Location: Banquet area
Des slowly drifted through the crowd, a silent flake drifting through the air. She gave a small nod here or there but mostly tried to remain unnoticed, despite her snow and sky-colored uniform. She was a little late, but it was to be expected. Getting dressed had taken the better part of an hour. She'd wanted to just stay at the dry dock and work on the repairs to her ship. Focus on work. But more than one person had urged her to come to the celebration. Even on Arkania, it was a tradition, even if not all of them liked to admit to its origins. Celebrating was the last thing on her mind. Eventually, she'd relented.
The press of the crowd both on her physical senses and the myriad morass of mental noise and ripples from those gathered was enough to almost make her want to retreat. At least she could say she'd been there. But in this instance it only made her feel more alone, more isolated among the crowd. Friends and families all, laughing, having a good time. Swapping stories and telling lies. And as good as they felt, and as much goodwill circulated around, it only left her out in the cold, alone in the crowd.
She worked her way across the banquet getting herself a plate full of food. She was both hungry from all the work put in but didn't feel much like eating. Toward finishing with getting what she might want, she had spotted
Caltin Vanagor
sitting alone. But as she turned around to go join him, he'd vanished. She spotted his back heading away into the crowd. What little hope in her heart to not actually be alone right now dropped.
Blinking furiously to keep her vision from swimming too much she made her way over to the same table and sat. Hopefully, he'd come back. Or something. She sat facing the tree with the wooden pieces and the bonfire. Even from far away, she could feel the heat against her skin, not to mention the heat from the press of bodies, many of them Wookiees. For the moment she just sat, hands wrapped around a steaming mug of hot cocoa, staring a hole into the table, her gaze far away.
The first four years of her training she'd tried to ignore Life Day to the best of her ability. And always failed. And every year it ripped open old wounds she'd hoped were healed over. But they never seemed to. No matter how much she hoped, no matter how much she tried to heal or fix them. And now there was no way to fix it. That had all been left behind, eight hundred years in the past.
Reaching out, she used the Force to call a set of those same wood pieces to her, sitting them next to her on the table. Fishing out a laser scribe from her pocket she considered what she wanted to say. She'd written such things before in the private pages of her notes or journal. But those words were really for her. This was for them. Pushing her plate back, she began to write.
Hanna, I miss you every day. As much as you drove me crazy. As much as your better-than-you attitude made me want to punch you sometimes. You were my sister, and I'd do anything for you. I hope you're proud of me wherever you are. I'm making a difference. Rest in peace with my eternal love and gratitude.
Setting it aside she let the wood cool with little bits of smoke drifting off of it as the glowing embers faded. Tears had gathered in her eyes, making it hard to see, but she didn't need to see all that well to write. Not in that flowing and airy Arkanian script. It had been so long since she'd written in her native language it almost felt alien, but even still, her penmanship was as graceful as ever. Something her grandmother had sat her down at the kitchen table for hours of practice of until she was no longer drawing the words but the letters and words fairly flew out of her hand.
Grams.
She stopped there. What could she say to her grandmother? What could she say? There was so much and she'd never really gotten to say goodbye. Her funeral wasn't enough.
I was always such a selfish and stupid girl. Hurting too much because of mom and dad to recognize what I still had. You always believed in me. Wanted the best. I hope one day... you could forgive me. That I can forgive myself. I think you would. I hope. I miss you every day and try to live a little closer to your example. Trying to be kind and generous, putting others first where I can.
Putting the piece aside she let it cool as well while wiping her face and eyes with her sleeve. She tried to keep it off her face, but couldn't quite keep it off, or really stop the tears, so she resorted to burying her face in her hands. She'd been like that for a couple minutes when a pair of strong, furry arms came around her in a giant warm hug. Startled, she looked up to find Llabruf holding her tight for a moment. "
What," she choked out.
"[
You looked like you could use it,]" the Wookiee rumbled back. "[
Family doesn't let family suffer alone.]" The words, the sentiment, the fact that he was there, holding true to his honor and vows from a while back, just after Sepan, the day she'd accepted Caltin as her Master shattered the wall she'd built up brick by brick again.
There was no sense of decorum and she didn't care as she leaned into the big Wookiee and clung to his chest fur. After a few minutes, she eased back down. Wiping at her face some more she apologized profusely for messing up his fur. He'd spent a long time grooming it for the occasion, so much so that his coat was quite neat and shined in the firelight and dancing lights all around. He waved it off. If it helped her, then it was worth it, and he would wear it as a badge of honor for now.
When he was fairly certain she was stable enough again, he slipped away only to sit across from her. "[
Writing for loved ones. I gather ones you lost?]" His question was earnest and gentle, rather than an accusation. He was genuinely curious.
Pursing her lips she gave a small, brave little nod. "
Trying to. But it's hard. They've been gone a long time for most of the galaxy. But for me, it's only been a few years." She shrugged one shoulder. Gesturing to the first two, she informed him, "
My sister and my grandmother respectively. I still need to write to my grandfather. Maybe mom and dad. And Brandyn. And Malissa. My first and third masters."
"[
Like Caltin.]"
"
Yes, like Caltin."
"[
Why don't you leave him something as well.]"
"
He's still ... here. With us."
"[
Yes, he is. But he won't be forever. And he might not be here tomorrow. So maybe you should. Life is too short to keep our feelings bound up tight and saved for later, afraid of what might happen if we share them. How much would you miss if you didn't?]"
She stared at Llabruf for a minute in silence, feeling him out and turning his words over slowly, carefully before nodding once. "
You have a good point."
The Wookiee raised his arms resting his hands behind his head, leaning back in the chair. It groaned but still supported his weight just fine. "[
Of course I do.]" If a Wookiee could sound smug, just a little bit, he did. But only in the interests of helping a member of his honor-family. "[
Are you going to be alright, Desbre?]"
The pale one thought for a moment, doing an internal injury check then shrugged one shoulder. "
I think so. I should be. If you need to go..." The Wookie waved one hand cutting her off. "[
I want to go get something to eat, and maybe make a quick errand but I will be back. Okay?]"
Des gave him another small nod. "
Alright, I will be around, if not here," she said. The young Wookiee lurched to his feet and gave her a quick, slightly rough pat on the shoulder, and tottered off into the crowd. After a few moments des took a drink of her slightly cooled cocoa. It reminded her somewhat of home, but now instead of stinging like salt water and lemon juice in an open wound, it was more nostalgic. Des began to eat a little at first, but then her hunger roared back to life.
