She drank while Josh spoke, waiting for him to finish before she could reply. There was a lot to say about all of it. Too much. She wished Katrine was there, was part of the conversation. She would have known what the correct answers were. She would have easily talked about the philosophical aspect of the spirits for hours and hours if given the right person and the right chance. Not for the first time, Scherezade felt a pang of longing in her chest, doubted her choice to leave Katrine. But no. Her choice had been right. Katrine had chosen the man Scherezade loved over Scherezade herself, and was now living the happy life with Gerwald, doing so many of the things he was meant to be doing with Scherezade... Whatever questions relating to the Mandragora they were, all Scherezade could do was theorize about it. There would be no asking questions to the Nightmother.
"First of all, they're not my people," she corrected him, "I was part of the Mandragora, but... Aside for Katrine, they didn't really give me the time of day either. There's not a single person there besides her who was ever beyond basically tolerant to me. And I left. Even if before that they could be considered my people in this or other way, they no longer can be."
Scherezade sighed. "They didn't let me go," she said, "not willingly. And it wasn't easy. About a month after I was claimed, there... There was an accident. The Mark of the Jart I had on my back was mutilated. It almost severed my connection completely. The Jart was still on me, still following me, but I couldn't communicate with it. While I was in the Darkness, it somehow healed. I don't know if the two are related, if it was accidental... I didn't really sit to think about it. But I knew the mark had healed when I woke up and understood I was in the real world again. After they broke me... And I did some things... I went to my ship. I skinned myself alive. I was trying to only get the mark, but I was out of control, I was crying, I was... I was feeling my pieces break, feeling them come apart. I ended up skinning my entire back. I think I was using the Force as well, but I'm not entirely sure how."
It was the sole reason that her back was the only part of her body that did not bear any scars. She had dunked herself in bacta afterwards, to heal.
"I've never seen the spirits do more than just talk and mark, though," Scherezade added, "I doubt they have actual Force Powers or the ability to cause a person to kill themselves, unless it was by talking."
"And she has strength of character. She'd been through so much..." her voice trailed off. Had she though? Katrine had said that her mother let her. But she'd found Curupira. Curupira had said that Katrine could find her whenever she wanted to, and Scherezade had been certain at the time that she was lying. But was she? Maybe it was Katrine who lied? Who gave her some twisted version of the truth?
But could she be replaced? Could she really? Scherezade sighed. She had made entire blueprints of doom for entire planets and factions before the Darkness. She had toyed with the idea of making them for the groups within the CIS as well, but even while toying, she had not once considered adding Katrine to the list. Because she had trusted her so completely. And maybe... No, not maybe. It was another lesson. Scherezade couldn't trust anyone. She would have to return to her plans of destruction when she was doing better, and Katrine would be added to that list, even if she'd never actually execute her plans.
Force, she was thinking too clearly. Scherezade took her bottle again and this time made sure to swallow enough of the liquor to cause herelf a headache and a few seconds in which her stomach threatened to vomit again, but she kept it down.
"Whatever," she scoffed, "I don't have those qualities you said I do. I'm not a strong person. I'm krakking weak. A strong person wouldn't have shattered that night. A strong person wouldn't be sitting here so much time after that, still broken, still crying, still drunk. I'm a shame on my family name, my family, my ancestral home planet... Everything."
And that was another painful truth. She already knew her face was getting wet even before the first tear dropped. Scherezade looked at the lake again, and had no more words to say.
[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]