Scherezade Had a Thousand Tales, and This One Might Be about Betrayal

[Scherezade deWinter]

Scherezade hated Naboo with every fiber of her being. A piece of her heart had cracked when she arrived on the planet the first time, intent on discovering what happened to a mansion that was once owned by her father. That had been several months prior. The mansion was still under her father's name, but it was rented out, all the paperwork taken care of by this or other legal company. Then she'd arrived here again the day before, because the Confederacy wanted to add the planet to its space. And what had her mission be? Stay present. Do nothing. So she had gotten drunker than she'd been before, and put the tab on the CIS' bill.

But that was not all. When she wanted to show Gerwald more of the galaxy, she had initially offered him Coruscant. When he didn't seem as excited about it as she'd been, she'd given him a list of other planets that had all made it to her plans for next times. Naboo had been on that list. So had Tatooine. She'd felt them on Tatooine, felt them both. After her mission there, she... Had done some not very smart things. She hadn't felt either of them on Naboo, but knowing it was one of the places she'd wanted to show Gerwald had not made her presence there any easier.

And she was still there. Because just before she intended on leaving, Josh had contacted her and told her he was coming. She had half a mind to run away after that short conversation, find some other planet to hide on. Meeting Josh was always painful. He always talked. He never knew when to shut up. And he always dug into her raw feelings with a spoon, trying to make her feel better and always managing to make her feel worse.

But he was also a great drinking partner.

She didn't understand why he wanted to meet at all. There was nothing new to say, nothing new to add. She was in the same state she'd been as the time he saw her on Nelvaan. And while he was a great drinking partner, she knew that she herself was not. Everyone else went forward, did thing, got things done. She was dying in her place, not getting anywhere.

For now though, Scherezade merely sat by one of the lakes near Theed, her knees folded up and her hands hugging them. A few bottles rested by her side, partially drunk. The CIS footed the bill for that as well. She knew she looked worse now than she had on Nelvaan; still drunk, with more time of not really eating and not sleeping under her belt. There wasn't much to do about it. Mostly, Scherezade realized, she was waiting for her body to give up.


[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Josh ordinarily never went to Naboo without Jason. He would never step foot on this planet unless he was taking time away after a few missions to go home and rest up properly, and have some proper father-son time before jumping into missions again. But this time was different. He'd just finished a mission in a nearby system when the usual back and forth with Scherezade led to them... Arranging, to meet up? He wasn't sure if he'd call it arranging, but he did want to check in on her. And talk to her about... Something.

When Josh stepped onto the property of the lake near Theed, he frowned. He used to take Shmi and Jason here for picnics, during his time off. This place was just bittersweet memories now. He hoped maybe someday, that would change. The place was beautiful, after all. But he soon found Scherezade... Wasted, again. He let out an exasperated sigh, but would just casually walk over and sit beside her, hoping she would recognize him. His hair still hadn't grown back.

"Evening."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

Whenever she was on a planet, any planet, she always knew whether or not Gerwald was there. At closer proximeties, she also knew if Katrine was there. With other people though, she usually had to look for their presences specifically, search for it on her own, rather than let her being just know. Which was but one of the reasons that when Josh had landed on Naboo, Scherezade had no idea. She was staring at the water, taking a break every so often just to drink from one of her bottles. She didn't even know what was in them anymore; it all slushed and tasted the same to her, gave her the same sort of pain in her stomach and her head, didn't remove an of that pain that was in her chest and hurt with every breath she took.

But when Josh was closer, unlike on Nilvaan, her senses did take notice. Sure, they noticed it only when he was a handful of feet away, but at least it meant he couldn't sneak up on her even if he wanted to.

Her head was still laying on the top of her knees when he greeted her. Without a word, her hand reached out, offering one of the bottles. This was their third time meeting, and both of the previous times had involved copious amounts of liquor. There was no reason that this time wouldn't include the same either.

Only then did she raise her head and look up at him, her eyes squinting. Had she really thought he looked somewhat like Gerwald that night on Zeltron? Ugh. She must have been drunk out of her mind, like she was now, but with the mix of Zeltronian pheromones in the air... She had obviously been wrong. The two looked nothing alike. It only made her feel worse about coming on to Josh that night.

"Force, what have you done to your hair?" she asked, blinking.


[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

She would quickly offer him a drink and he moved a hand out to accept when he noticed the hand was holding a picnic basket. It seemed that his mind had known where he was going and had unconsciously made sure he packed this on the ship before coming. He frowned when he stared at it a moment, but let out a sigh and would plop the basket down, before taking the drink.

"I brought food" He spoke dryly as he would take a long swig from the bottle, trying to forget the memories behind this place as he would look out toward the lake. Though then Scherezade would comment on his hair, and he looked toward her, blinking a few times.

"I cut it" He responded, also dryly. "Undercover job. It'll grow back. It grows back fast."

Though mischief reared it's head soon after. "Or maybe I always looked this way and my name is actually Aryn Teth?" He joked, his lips twitching into a small smile. He was far quieter than he had been the last few times they had met. And it wasn't even because of Katrine. He just... Hadn't been himself lately.

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

His voice was dry. Scherezade blinked again. She couldn't remember him started conversations this dryly. Then again, all their previous conversations had begun when she was more or less in a damsel in distress state. Maybe this was what he usually sounded like? She didn't know. Some people were great judges of character. She, as experiences proved time and time again, was not.

Her stomach rumbled at the mention of food, but she sucked her abdomen muscles in, willing them to remain quiet. She was going to have to explain to Josh why she wasn't eating, and she really didn't feel like it.

But then he made a joke, causing Scherezade to blink again. "Who?" she asked, not entirely getting it. She had no clue that Aryn Teth had been on Nelvaan, and in a few other places that she had been at. They had never been introduced, and she would probably not have remembered him even if they had. Not easily, anyway. He wasn't a Confederate, or an enemy of the CIS, so she didn't need to know who or what he was.

With a sigh, she stopped blinking at the man, and took a swig from one of her own bottles. "You don't sound like yourself," she commented, "if I couldn't taste you through the Force I really would have thought you were someone else."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_99uiAb5BY​

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"I kid, it's definitely me" He pointed out quietly. "Teth was my apparent identical twin, he was at the Banquet" He explained in short, his voice remaining quiet, not as dry as before but it lacked the same level of emotion and life that it had in the last few meetings. His mind was closed off and his presence hidden as it always was when he was on Naboo, but even then it wasn't hard to feel even just a bit of the chaos that was raging in his head. Trying to tackle Scherezade's problems when they were similar to his own had brought his own to the forefront all at once... And the issue that came about with Tallia didn't help. He was working on it, he was talking to Jyoti on the matter now, but it seemed that he had overloaded himself. Taken too much on. Now there was just so much going on inside that he just needed to recover from and work past.

He would motion toward the food to indicate that she could help herself, as he would take another swig. Though next she would ask about how he sounded.

"I'm fine. It's definitely me. Least, as far as I know" He spoke again though he notably didn't meet her eyes, or look at her, just stared out at the lake. "Anything new with you? You look like you've gotten worse, actually" He observed aloud. "Still pretty. But you seem worse for wear."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

Someone who was at the banquet. Scherezade could only shrug to that. She remembered Curupira, a name she had learned only later that night, and Lord Wolfe, and Josh. The rest of the faces who had been present were blurry in her mind. If there had been someone there that was, or looked like, Josh's identical twin, she had entirely missed it.

She could feel the turmoil beneath Josh's surface. She didn't understand it. Between the two of them, he was the more grounded one, the one who always had words for everything. Or at least it felt like that. She'd tasted his pain when they were on his ship, but now it was something else. Something she couldn't quite grasp.

Foo was offered to her. She made no move to accept or reject it.

She looked worse? Scherezade didn't really have a reply to that. Even when Josh said she was still pretty. It didn't really matter, she supposed, what she looked like. Pretty, ugly, the end result was all the same.

Taking another long swig from her bottle, Scherezade sighed. "You said it'd get better with time," she finally replied. It had been... Several weeks? "You lied."

Scherezade moved her head again, staring at Josh now. "Your emotions are also super noisy. I thought Jedi were supposed to be removed from that."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"Never lied" Josh spoke softly. "That's usually what happens. Time heals wounds. Sometimes not completely, but usually at least they hurt less. Though your own actions and how you handle it can decide how long that takes, or if it happens at all" He advised as he continued to stare out at the lake and took another swig of his drink. What else could he tell her? He definitely hadn't lied, that was usually just how things worked. Though here he was still hurting about things from years ago. Not as much as he was, of course, which meant he was telling the truth by his own experiences. But they were still there. And he didn't know how to be rid of them. He couldn't wipe the memories, not without cutting hundreds of other threads.

He shook his head when she brought up his emotions. "Jedi haven't been restricted and emotionally detached since the New Jedi Order of the Skywalker Era" He clarified, going on autopilot a moment. It was force of habit, he took questions from new Jedi fairly often and this ran in the same sort of questions they usually asked. Josh was an instructor, so this was nothing new to him. He had a routine at this point. "Silver Jedi has been Grey in nature since it's inception just as the NJO was, as well. We're people, not tools. We have feelings and emotions. But we're supposed to be able to control them. Not wield them like the Sith do, no, that's how one loses themselves. But there's no issue with having them."

But even he knew that he was not supposed to be the way he was. He was not supposed to let his feelings and emotions rule him as they had been. He had been happy to realize that he could be human, that he could be a person and not a tool or a weapon... But he didn't know how he felt about how he was feeling now. There was just... So much. And he knew it was wrong. But he didn't know how to fix it.

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

"It's a lie that everyone says," Scherezade sighed, looking at the lake again. Josh had not been the only person to tell her that it would pass. A surprising amount of people had actually wanted to talk to her, to tell her that. Liars, all of them. It hadn't become easier. Eating was becoming harder and harder. Real sleep still evaded her. And still with every breath, it just... It hurt so much. The few pockets of reprieve she'd had were because she had something to kill, something to blow up. And then the pain always returned with a vengeance, as if punishing her for daring to not notice it above all for a precious few seconds.

Josh explained about Jedi being people, and not tools. It sounded like a pile of bolonge, like something the Jedi order would try to teach just to have easier control of those who submit to it. The Sith orders through out history had done the same, through via the other side of the coin. There was a reason Scherezade had not packed her bags and flown into the Sith Empire territory, even if it would have brought her closer geographically to her ancestral homeland.

"You don't sound like you're in control of your emotions," Scherezade noted, "just of your actions. It's all swirly messy wonky behind your eyes. Almost like me, only you're just in pain, but not broken."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"Considering how old you've indicated you are, it doesn't sound like you're very short on years to find out" He pointed out as he would find himself lying back on the grass, arms behind his head as he would stare out at the sky, just... Trying to relax in some fashion. Naboo was home. Even if it did have bitter memories. Naboo was relaxing. He just needed to try and clear his head a little to appreciate it.

"I'm fine" He repeated again when she would talk about how his emotions felt. That was definitely a lie. But notably, he hadn't met her eyes everytime he'd said it. He wasn't a very good liar. Which is why he didn't do it much. But why pour out his emotions now? She was worse off than he was.

Not broken, she said. Was she sure?

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

Josh opted to lay on the grass. Scherezade herself preferred to keep sitting, her chin on her knees. He made a comment about her age, causing her to blink. Had she indicated to him how old she was? Yes... She remembered now. She'd told him she was born before the Gulag years. But she had also told him she'd spent five centuries inside a pebble, and had lived, truly lived, for only six months.

"I don't understand what my age has to do with it," she answered truthfully, realizing that she didn't understand his comment. And then there was that other bit he'd said. "And you're lying again. You're not fine. Liar."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"It's just stress" Josh responded. It wasn't a lie, but then again it wasn't "just" stress, it was a lot of stress. A lot of stress bubbling up, a lot of stress over a lot of things. And a lot of stress over a lot of things coming to the forefront all at once that he didn't know how to deal with. He couldn't get rid of it anymore. He wanted to be rid of it, he'd tried to do what he'd been told and... Just get over it, but all it did was lead to more bottling, and now he was where he was.

"I don't want to burden you, either" He spoke softly. A truth. "I've already troubled you with my problems once before. And you don't need them. You've got too much on your plate already. I can't contribute to your pain."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

Scherezade looked at Josh, eyes squinting. "Withholding is also a form of a lie," she said, her voice shaking. She knew exactly why she'd said it. It was part of the situation that had gotten her to what she was now; a broken thing, unworthy of going to her ancestral home planet, unworthy of being loved or wanted, just... Weak. Just like the Darkness said.

And now he was getting to... Something that was true. Or so she thought, anyway. It wouldn't have surprised her to be wrong about things, yet again. Josh spoke about burdening her, about her having too much on her plate already.

"You're full of poodoo," she remarked. She wasn't smiling... But she was almost smiling. That had to count for something. "Something's nibbling on your insides. You know some of what's on my plate already. It's only fair if you share what's on yours."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Withholding was also part of a lie. He hadn't thought of it in that matter before. It explained a lot of why Tallia had been upset with him. The thought of it caused him to visibly wince. But he listened to her as she would explain that apparently, it was only fair that he explained to her as well.

"I don't understand" He would admit quietly as he would sit up and look toward her. "Why do you suddenly care about my burdens?" Josh would ask. "You never seem to have before. What is the sudden change?"

He was confused, sincerely. While he hadn't faulted her for it, Scherezade had never actually seemed to legitimately care about his feelings or what was bugging him. She only seemed concerned with her issues with Gerwald and Katrine, and never seemed to think of anything else.

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

She saw him wince, but said nothing of it. Apparently there was more than one person in this 'verse who thought withholding wasn't the same as lying. Why it was even something that had to be pointed out was beyond her. It wasn't the same like withholding an idea for a surprise; far from it.

And then Josh sat up and shot questions at her. Asking her why she cared about his burdens. Was it a change? She didn't know. But she did remember a very similar situation, on Nelvaan, when she had asked him why he kept on asking his stupid questions.

"Well krak you too," she answered with anger as she picked one of the bottles up and took a long swig, "I tell you I can't trust you, you insist I can, I try to show interest or care, and now I'm apparently wrong again."

She wanted to stand up, get up, leave. It had been a stupid idea, to meet again. But her mind was spinning too much, and her attempt to rise up resulted in some awkward movements that left her stranded on the grass. She cursed loudly. And for a good few second.


[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

He stopped at that. No, she was right. He let out a sigh and shook his head. "No. I'm being unreasonable, I'm sorry" He spoke softly. "I guess I just didn't think you cared. I shouldn't have responded like that, I'm just..." He trailed off as he would try to shake it off, try to figure out what to say.

"I just... Have a lot coming back at once" Josh would finally admit, lowering his head. "Lately I've been constantly reminded of what has happened, and the things I've been bottling up for a long time have come out all at once. I can't get rid of them anymore, I can't push them back anymore" He spoke softly. Did it matter if he told her? What of it could a Sith use against him that the thing itself wasn't already doing to him? "I can't erase the memories, too much is tied and it would be impossible to get rid of it all safely. Not that I want to use those memory powers again" He added, wincing again as the thought of that particular thing came back.

"I caused someone pain with it and the memory scrying. Someone very important to me" He rambled quietly. "I just wanted to help, I wanted to do what was right, but... All I did was cause them pain when I should have just left well enough alone. And the whole damn mess around that is my fault to begin with. And I continue to fear that because of it, they'll just... Leave. All those years I spent trying to find them when they disappeared, only for them to turn around and leave, and I just..."

He took a deep breath and shook his head. "Maybe that's why Shmi left. When I try to help the people I care for, I never seem to do it right. I tried to help my brother, and he wound up dead. I tried to help Tallia, and she's hurting. I tried to help you, and..." He trailed off. "... I was karking useless at that too."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

She wanted to grab a fistful of mud and grass and fling it at his face. She had told him, she had explained it to him, time and time again. It wasn't that she didn't care - it was that she was not allowed to care. If she care, if she trusted, it was only a matter of time before she was betrayed again. She had to protect herself. And now, instead of running away to her ship and getting off this crappy planet, she was remaining put, listening to Josh speak.

He spoke of erasing memories, of how unsafe it was, of how scared he was that they'd leave. Scherezade remained silent, the only sign of life coming from her was the occasional blink. Josh continued to speak; this time about the people he tried to help and couldn't.

Normally, Scherezade hated touching people. There had been exactly one person she'd been comfortable touching, and that had included casual touching. She'd touched Josh... But now it was not the same.

Having no words to offer for comfort, her hand reached out to his, and she tried to give him a reassuring squeeze.

"Yeah, you kinda suck at helping," she said. There was no point in denying or sugar coating it. "But I don't think that's why Shmi left, or why your brother is dead, or why memory friend might or might not leave."

Finally, she released his hand.

"Shmi didn't just leave you," she said, deciding to start with the queen, "she left her son. What kind of a mother does that willingly?" Josh already knew about Scherezade's stand on those issues. There was no forgiveness on that. "That's entirely on her. And I hope she's very much alive and very much suffering for that. And will suffer for millenia to come."

Next came the brother. What could be said about that? "And maybe your brother's better off dead than what might have happened if he'd stayed alive." Sort of... Sort of like her. How often had she held her knives to her heart these past few weeks, unable to do more than draw just the smallest drops of blood? Sometimes death was a better choice for those who weren't weak cowards like her.

As for... Tallia? Was that the memory person? "I don't understand why the memory friend has any issues with what you've done. You're gonna have to explain that one."

And last but not least, "and I'm a lost cause anyway. Maybe your problem is your insistence on helping the wrong people."


[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

He wasn't expecting Scherezade to take his hand. Part of him had thought she didn't care about him at all, that he was just there so she could maybe get some drinks. Which made why he cared about her so deeply more of a mystery to him, but perhaps that part of him had been wrong after all. He stared at her hand for a moment, before taking a deep breath, staring at her as he listened to what she had to say. He wasn't sure how to respond to the Shmi thing at first. But at first, he would glare hard at her. A piercing glare, staring her dead in the eyes. How dare she say that? How dare she say that about his Shmi? But... While it wasn't what he wanted to hear, she was right. He couldn't deny the fact that she had, regardless of her reasons, abandoned Jason.

But he decided first to answer when she would mention his brother, shaking his head. "He... Wouldn't have been better off" He spoke quietly, starting to look down toward the ground again. What he was about to tell, he wasn't eager to. But it wasn't something she could use against him either, the worst she could do was tell Jyoti, who he knew he'd tell eventually. He just didn't know how to bring it up with her, or if he should. There was no reason to currently. There were plenty of other issues giving him grief to cover with her right now.

"He was manipulated into joining the Sith, and found himself delving in deep. Went too far in. To the point he became a monster" He admitted. "And when I met him, I tried to find out why he was what he was, how my brother had become this senseless murderer, obsessed with power, obsessed with the darkness... And at one point, his humanity finally seemed to come back for a moment when we fought. He told me he had delved too far. The darkness had overtaken him, and even he didn't know why he did what he did anymore. I told him he could free himself... He said he wanted to be free, but he didn't believe me. So... I made a promise. I promised him that one day I'd show him that he could. He didn't believe me, obviously. The fight went to a stalemate and I escaped.

I... Wasn't lying. I knew the only way to let him see that he wasn't too far gone was to delve in myself. I went to the woman that I hated most, the wretch that took my brother away. And I asked her, I begged and pleaded for her to teach me how to use the dark side, how to bring out my anger. She agreed, though I could tell her intentions easily... She is very much like Darth Tacitus" He admitted, having gotten the name of the Sith Lord that had relation to Scherezade in the time since his meeting with Katrine. "I have seen their type of Sith many times. It's almost a stereotype at this point. A genre. I know how they work. She wanted to turn me into a tool, a weapon... Just like I fear what Tacitus wants with you. She managed to get that anger out of me, when I could not harness it before. We fell out shortly after, when I lost control and ended up leaving her in a pool of blood. She's immortal, so she didn't die... Unfortunately. Would have been a fitting end, considering she's betrayed me before, destroyed my family, destroyed the life of one of my best friends..."

Josh took a deep breath and shook his head, trying to get back his head. But it was hard, when talking about this. "I borderline tortured myself to learn the dark side. My body and mind weren't accustomed to it, and I'd spent so long abhoring it and staying away that it made me vomit to use it. But I continued and continued, I went deep in, and... The power was seductive. The power was tempting. But knowing what it fed off, knowing what it could do and what I would do if I let it consume me... I never stopped getting sick when I used it. Eventually, I ended up being cut off from it almost entirely. My mind's formed a block from using it. I can't muster the focus to use it. Not that I want to. But I forced it, once. One time, and that was against my brother when he hunted me down, the voices in his head telling him to kill me and make the conflict stop. I used all I had learned to stop him, and convinced I had turned, he resigned to what he assumed was me killing him to take his place in the ranks of the Sith. I refused, and... While it was hard, I showed him that nobody was too far gone. And... That seemed to resonate with him. It gave him confidence. He very quickly managed to overpower the dark side, and take back control of his free will. I had my brother back... But... The Sith don't like to let people walk away. They killed him from behind, like cowards."

He almost said "no offense" but he decided associating them with her was better not to be done. She was not at fault for what they had done. But as he continued, the frustration began to mount up, his emotions began to swirl and the chaos in his head increased. There was clearly a good reason he did not talk about this. But talking to Jyoti had started to open up that lock on his heart. He was able to talk about these things more openly. And it would hurt for awhile... But perhaps it would better him in the long run.

"He did nothing wrong. He hurt nobody. He wasn't going to be a Jedi. He just wanted to be free, to be his own person. They didn't see it like that. All the sacrifices, everything I spent years pursuing, it was all gone in an instant. Every bit of sacrifice I made was for nothing in an instant, and... I never got over that, I don't think. Even if I'm better than I was then. At the time, I completely lost everything. I lost control of myself in a mixture of grief, anger and sadness, and I almost killed Shmi. Almost killed the love of my life. And... I expected her to leave. But she didn't. And that's... That's when I realized I wanted her to be my wife. She had been a Jedi all her life, but saw me hit rock bottom, found out everything I had done, seen what I had become... And she stayed with me. She told me that whatever I was going through, we'd see it through together.

And then there was Tallia... She was my mission partner, my best friend, back in the Republic days. We were incredibly close, but she disappeared. I left the Order when they refused to even try to look for her. It was other factors too, but it was the last straw for me. I searched for years, and when I finally did find her... Much like my brother, she had been consumed by the dark side. Something the Sith had done to her had caused her to rely so much on her anger, tried to turn her pain into power. It made her something that I didn't recognize anymore, by the end of it, her mind had been warped to just being a savage that preyed on those that the old Tallia knew, using that old connection. I tried, and I tried to get through to her, and like with my brother, I managed to for a bit, but she told me her will was slipping. When I told her about my brother, and when I'd mentioned that I had learned memory control to wipe my own of the incident before being unable to go through with it... She begged me and pleaded to have her memory erased. I pleaded with her to reconsider, to try and find another way but she was adamant it was the only way. So... I did it. It destroyed me. It destroyed me to pretty much kill someone I cared about so much.

I took her to the Silver Jedi after, for them to help her heal and find her way. I wasn't able to tell her that I had wiped her memory, and as you said... Withholding is lying. I couldn't tell her at first because I knew she'd lose trust in me, and worse, the Jedi. She'd run off, and Force knows what would happen to her. But part of it was me being selfish too, in not wanting to lose her. After I dropped her off, I left, to try and recover for a month or so after the trauma had effected me, before I could return to active duty. But she wanted answers, she wanted her memories. I tried to help, but nothing could trigger it. When I learned that memory scrying power... I didn't think of the consequences too much of using them to try to help her regain her memories, if I gave her my memories of her. I did, and... They hurt her. They hurt her so badly, and she was angry at me for doing it in haste, and for lying to her. And I know full well that I messed up, and yet I just... Don't know what to do.

Through both incidents, not including the memory scrying bit... Shmi stayed with me. She stayed at my side, she stayed to help me get through them. Which is why I just... Can't imagine the woman that stuck with me through thick and thin being the schutta you claim her to be."

He gritted his teeth, looking away from her as his hands balled into fists. Talking about Shmi in the way he was about to, was too much. He started to choke back sobs, trying to hold it in, but it was clear one thing - he loved Shmi. He had loved her with everything he had. And thinking of her in this way, and having to confront the fact she had abandoned him and Jason, was tearing him apart.

"But... You're right. The facts are there. She abandoned Jason. She abandoned Jason without hesitation. Not even a proper given reason, she just... Left and isn't coming back. I want to believe there was something, and that she's coming back... Sometimes I blame myself, look back on all I've done and search for a reason why. But I just... Don't know. But deep down I've known all along you were right. I just... Didn't want to believe it. I miss Shmi. I want this nightmare to end" He spoke softly as he wiped his eyes, trying to hide them from Scherezade. "I want to go back to the way things were, but... I can't. It's impossible. All I ever wanted was this life I had, with Shmi and Jason... If it was all I had, I would still be happy. But now I don't have that. It's gone. She's gone and I don't know what to do with myself. I have tried suppressing it, I have tried to "get over it", but... I don't know how. Time helped heal the wounds of my brother, yes... But... Kark."

He let out a sigh. "I'm sorry for criticizing you for your behavior in regards to your own love. I'm just as much a fool who's blinded by love. Even if I know now the kind of person she was, I just...

I just..."

He went silent. He didn't know how to finish that. He just... Didn't know.

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

Usually, when Josh went off into his endless speeches, Scherezade rolled her eyes and poked at him for being preachy. But this time, she knew it was different. There was something else going on, made clear when he actually did start talking and stop glaring at her for stating the obvious about bitchy Shmi. She already knew what she wanted to do to Shmi; it was a simple matter. Despite all the words she had tossed at Josh over and over again, the two were friends. It was maddening. She still didn't fully trust him, just like she didn't really trust Daisy. But she couldn't deny that some level of care was present, and that meant that if Shmi suddenly decided to show up again, it was only a question of time before Scherezade planted a knife in her chest. It was one thing if she'd just let Josh; the moment that the leaving included Jason, she was done. Her death was signed. And Scherezade was going to kick herself, because she wasn't supposed to have friends. It was only a matter of time before Josh betrayed her too. It was a sad thing to know.

Still, despite it all, she remained quiet, and she listened, not interrupting Josh at any point as he poured the story of his brother, of his mission partner, Shmi. She didn't know how to comfort him. When... When Gerwald had spoken of things that hurt him, she'd known what to do. She's always known with him, or at least so she thought, until the night she'd been told that she had everything completely wrong. But with Josh it was strange and unfamiliar territory. What did you do when someone told you those things, like that? She didn't know.

Scherezade stayed quiet, only occasionally taking a swig from her bottle.

And then Josh apologized. Scherezade blinked in surprise. She hadn't expected that. he'd been pretty adamant about all he'd said during their previous encounters.

So she did the only thing she knew how to. Scherezade grabbed one of her bottles and offered it to Josh. He had his own history of horrible stuff, and horrible people. She was still sure her statement had been correct though; he wasn't broken. He was in pain, in deep pain, but he could still do things, still live, still breathe. But now she wasn't sure if it was better to be in pain and like that, or completely broken and reduced to the mess she currently was.

"You just want to take time back and remove yourself from all these situations before they even happened and had a chance to develop into what they did," she said quietly. That was what she wanted. Maybe he wanted it too? "Or go back in time and make different choices that would have resulted in things turning out to be completely different." That was an option too. "Or just die, so you wouldn't have to have feel any of it anymore, because it hurts too much, and you can't breathe when you think about it, and sometimes you can't breathe even when you're not thinking about it."


[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"Yes..." He spoke quietly in response, taking the offered bottle and taking a long swig. "And the thing is... I know I'll find someone else eventually. I know that. I've been through it before. I never lied about that. But..." He trailed off, wiping his eyes again with his sleeve. "This is... This feels different. A relationship that wasn't even a full year like the ones before it, that's one thing. But this... This was a marriage of several years, and with a child. How do you move past something like that? She was the one person who I trusted from the bottom of my heart would never betray me, never leave me. She was the last person I expected... And yet here I am. It's maddening... Knowing you can't trust anyone."

He let out a sigh and shook his head.

"But... No. That's not true. I've done some thinking on it. I had a talk with Jyoti, our Master Of The Order, she talked me through a bit of it. I think... I think a lot of my issue is that I don't talk to people about these things. I bottle them up inside, I don't accept help. I know considering our history it's hard to believe but... I... I don't usually... Confide in people like I have with you. You... You're special, for whatever reason. I'm not sure why myself just yet.

But what I do know - or, well, I think I know - is that I need to learn to trust again... Even if it carries risk. One way to look at it is... I'm doomed either way, aren't I? I either open myself up to betrayal, or I lose myself and go mad trying to handle it alone. Is either result any better than the other? Is there a balance I can find, between one and the other maybe?"

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]