Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

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Returning

Hello there!

Who was I kidding when I thought I would be all ok to face the world in just 4 months after being diagnosed with depression? "Take a tablet, let it work and feel all ok! Let’s go!" No.

I logged off without saying a word in March 2019 after trying to fit back into the community. I wasn’t ready, not by a mile.

Apologies for this unnecessarily long post, but as Bob Hoskins once said... it's good to talk. It helped me back then, and it even helped some others who read it and could identify with it. I’d like to share my story here so you can try to understand and now know why I feel I’m ready to come back a new person.

Skip to the end if need be! :)

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Part of coming out the other end of a personal battle is accepting the situation. The other part is talking, opening up and knowing you ARE in that situation.

It was March 2018, and I was in the verge of walking away from everything and going into a self-destructive mindset. There was something wrong. I wasn't myself. Only when those close to me saw the signs did I go the doctor when pushed. It was then after opening up, taking a medical questionnaire and going back to 2007 when Dad died (that was just the start) I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety.

Whenever I had seen people who were "depressed" I often felt to myself they probably weren't, and just saying that, and they'd be ok. How wrong and stupid - and ignorant - I was. I was now one of those people who had suffered so long in silence and denial. Bottled things up. Ignored them.

The medication and counselling began.

Nobody around me knew - no friends, not all my family, not work. I put on that happy face, hid behind social media words and writing film reviews and carried on as best I could. All the while I having small ups and big lows. All part of the process, so I was told.

The months that followed were hard, and embarrassing for me to be in so much denial and frustration. I was ok on the surface. I finally understood how mental health personally affects those who suffer from it, and the battles they have to maintain self-respect and strength. But it also showed me how important those around you are and the patience and support they unconditionally have. Makes you very humble.

I tried to return to Chaos just a few months after, to try and find normality and carry on as normal. How wrong I was thinking it would be that easy. To act as if I was the same person I had been before this. I couldn’t really connect with anyone, and I couldn’t get into my own head-space, let alone my fictional creations! Sadly, I was not good company or fun for anyone so I logged off once more.

It was hard to keep my face on at home, but it did often slip. It was harder around friends and at work, to just be "me". Interacting with people was a challenge. But no matter what happened, however much I fell or struggled, I had to be the same person I had always been.

My personal life was a struggle. Suddenly it was ok in my head to be introverted - not go out (not that I did much), or find reasons to be at home. Even going to the cinema - something I love - made me feel anxious, so staying in was safer. I knew I wasn't right.

December 2018. My work life changed forever, and the already unstable wheels began to come off the track. My 3yr long line manager left. My team of 10 dissolved to 4. Senior management changed. The office relocated to a smaller size and rumours of relocating an hour away from where we were now circled. I saw the warning signs. I wasn't safe.

My new manager (my near equal for 2 years) was now iron fisted, and had my head on the block. I was put under a Performance Management Review process in March (ironically just a year following my diagnosis) and from then nothing I did was right. I became a target who didn't fit into a wider business plan and I was told numerous times this line of work wasn't probably for me. Dare I say, I was a liability they didn’t have the need for.

Anyway, fast forward to July and as everything I did was wrong and never to a "personal" standard. I knew my card had been marked months ago. After hearing about deals cut between management for relocation, working hours etc, and not being part of it or informed, there was one clear outcome. I wasn't stupid.

I handed in my resignation on July 8th, two days before she would have the pleasure of dismissing me. With faux interest in my mental health and only looking after herself and her position, she marched me out of the building 1hr after handing in my letter. So much for my worth and dedication to work my month notice.

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To spare more lengthy waffle, basically I was told to stay at home for my month notice period, my medication was upped and changed, my home routine changed and for the first time in 10 years I wasn't at work. I felt useless and a failure with no confidence. Unemployment is a hard thing.

But the smile stayed, the act continued, the white lies carried on so I didn't have to admit the truth I felt so ashamed by to friends or family. I felt like a recluse, hiding away and pretending work was ok or I had extra holiday to take when I was spotted.

Following six months of job hunting and living on benefits, I signed a contract of employment to work in a Bid Managerial role following a job application in September. It was a promotion from my previous role of Bid Writer, and a huge step up for me in responsibility, chance and progression. It could be the real making of me when I need it the most. I started October 21st.

It sank in a week later with some continued struggles alas. But it confirmed I had the chance to show my new employers and myself I CAN do this. I AM worth it. I WILL succeed. My old manager and senior support knocked me down, but I am rising back up. And my mental health isn't holding me down as viciously.

And now into 2020, as we are all very much aware with the COVID-19 pandemic, things have changed once more for everyone but I’m here to see if I can fit back into a place that helped and brought me much joy before the tracks fell away under me.

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To you all here I was too scared to tell here, I am sorry. I can't explain why but I never found the right moment (would I ever) and didn't want to bring things down when your lives were in top gear! It also explains why I went from Discord – my account was linked to my 3 year old ex-work e-mail, so the second I left I couldn’t get access to password resets. So just like that…those little messages that had come through and the little network I had went. Gone. I’m really sorry if you’ve tried to message or contact me.

I’m on there with my personal e-mail again and username is Chris (Connor/Stephanie). Feel free to find me if you wish or shoot over any links / channels etc.

It's not easy for those who suffer with mental health, but we'll get there. In time. If anyone needs to talk, please reach out. I understand how it can be at home and work, for you and those around you. You are not alone.

Thank you for reading this. I hope it helps in some way.


[TL,DR]

I was in a bad place, but after 14 months away hope to find my way again in the galaxy far, far away.

Now. Give me a bit of time to get my head around the new look and style of this place – VERY swish – and I hope to join you all for adventures again soon like I did many years before.

:)
 
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Connor Harrison Connor Harrison

Welcome back my friend! So good to see you!​
 
Thank you - so many familiar faces, and it's like nothing has changed! Glad you're all here and doing well.

I notice the Mention tag isn't under the Av...sorry....do we do it the old fashioned way now of is there a button to press? This is where my education of the new Chaos begins!
 

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