Private Body, Heart, and Mind

[Sikkol Cull]

SHIP: Helljumper Combat Dropship
CREW: Helljumper Crew
WEAPONS: Heklerkok FP-01, MAA-011 HjPBP x2, MAA-010 HiPR x1, Lodestone Devices x4 - Rolling Order, Lookout Probe Droid x2 - Rolling Order, Terminus Shiv's x2, Journeyman Knives x4 - Rolling Order
ARMOR/CLOTHING: Tinfoil Hat Band, MAA-001 HjCBg Bodyglove, MAA-005 HjGPG, MAA-002 HjBmP#3
EXTRA/POCKETS: ECM-598 Medical Backpack, Security Spike, Scramble Key, Anti-security blade, Field Security Overloader, Canteen/Waterskin, Energy/Food Capsules
LOCATION: Tanaab
TAGS: Taozi Fuyuan

"Galactic Basic" | <"Mandalorian"> | << comm. channel >>​

The Helljumper Dropship was parked and secured. The crew allowed some free time as Sikkol followed up on a routine checkup that was merely a guise for his own intentions for another checkup.

"Take the day. I won't be back for a while." Sikkol informed the crew before heading in a different direction. Aani caught his attention before he'd got to far away. The curious tilt of her helmet causing his hands to go up in a cautious blend of disarming and placating.

"You'll let me know when you are finished?" Aani asked quietly. His only answer a firm nod as she huffed.

"And the results?" She pressed as he laughed.

"Blood samples and all." Sikkol chuckled as she nodded and spun around.

"Take care then." A smile hidden behind the helmet but plainly heard in her tone as he watched her go. And kept watching her go until she was out of sight.

He loved the zoom in his visor sometimes.

He began his trek, intent on finding Taozi and beginning his journey in poking the alor about her venture into counseling. He'd scheduled a routine physical to belay any suspicions about his presence. Not that she likely even entreated the idea of his imminent betrayal given his lack of proximity.

He trudged into the hospital, now bound to the idea with grim determination as he signed in and waited.

 

[Taozi Fuyuan]

As Sikkol Cull entered the hospital, a passing nurse would smile and wave, before directing him up to the floor Taozi's exam room was on. Once he entered, Taozi was already in the waiting room with a datapad. She looked up from setting up her vod's file, and gave him a small smile of greeting.

"Su cuy'gar, vod. Follow me, and we can get started on your checkup."

Gesturing for him to follow, Taozi led him down a short hallway into an exam room. She motioned for him to sit on the exam table, before taking her own seat on the rolling stool.

"Would you like me to make this visit as quick as possible for you, or do you not have any other plans for the rest of the day? Also, did you happen to have your medical history preserved somewhere besides Mandalore? It seems I can't find you in the preserved files from... Before."

Her tone was professional, but the grip on the datapad in her hand tightened ever so slightly, and something... Complicated, flickered in the pink color of her irises as she looked at her vod. Though she gave no details, he would know exactly what she meant by "before." They both did.

 

[Sikkol Cull]

Taozi Fuyuan​

Once directed to her office, the helmet would come off. A nice change of pace from the usual as he knocked before peeking his head in with a soft nod to her.

"Su cyu'gar, vod." Not nearly as formal a tone as one might take in the company of others, leaning into the fact that he was here on personal business. Following instructions he set the helmet on the ground before plopping himself down on the table with a tiny grunt as he leaned to much on one knee.

"I made sure to take the day for this." He informed her politely as his lips tightened at the phrasing she'd used.

A breaths time passed before he opened a pocket on the utility belt and fetched out a small datastick. It rubbed between his fingers for a long while, never presenting it to her as he looked it over with a distant look. It was as much as he had been able to scrounge up from old terminals regarding his family history in all things. Carefully picked through and set into different files clearly labeled as he clicked his tongue in thought.

"What I could find. Most common theme is tendinitis in the lower part of the body. That...and every male of my line seems to have a penchant for a widow maker around fifty or so." It had been the most he could find. Incomplete data or corrupted from force knew what happened.

He was careful as he rolled the datastick over. As though letting it leave his hand would delete the files on there or something. The distant dullness to his eyes only grew as he looked at it.

"It's so...stupid. It's just data. Numbers and records. I barely even kept transaction records prior to..." He sighed, finally though slowly extending the thing to her before nodding at it while he spoke. "How can that...do so much damage?"

He couldn't let go of the ball of anxiety that knotted itself in the back of his throat as he spoke.

 

[Taozi Fuyuan]

The air was heavy as Taozi listened and waited for Sikkol Cull to hand over the datastick. His clan had suffered more losses than her own, and she wondered how long it took him to gather everything to put onto the little thing. She nodded in understanding as he described genetic health issues in his family, and noted them in the data pad, before gently taking the datastick from his hands. A small "click" sounded as the stick was plugged into the datapad. Once the little draconic head popped up on the screen, she placed the datapad gingerly on the counter.

"Sometimes it's the little things that matter the most, and we don't even realize until we no longer have them."

With a sigh, she turned her attention back to Sikkol. The hospital AI would sort through the files for her as they spoke, and she went over prevention measures for Sikkol in her head. It'd be best to start early on the heart attack issue, but the tendinitis...

"I'd like to start preventative care for heart attacks now, especially considering the kind your family has a penchant for can happen within moments. For now, I think working with a nutritionist to get you on as healthy a diet as your lifestyle allows, and a yearly check in with a cardiologist for the next decade or so will be a good start. You've got about 15 more years until I want to keep a very close eye on your heart condition.

"As for the tendinitis, unfortunately the only advice I can provide is to avoid over-exercising, and keep repetitive movements to a minimum. If it's a constant thing that negatively impacts your quality of life, a physical therapist would be able to work with you on it. Otherwise, whenever you start to feel the pain, stop whatever you're doing and ice it. Unless you're in a battle, obviously."

A quiet, gentle, ringing bell sounded from the datapad, indicating that the AI had finished downloading, organizing, and separating the files. Taking the datastick, Taozi would hand it back to Sikkol, and wrapped his fingers around it herself.

"Keep it safe. The files I transferred into the hospitals database are also stored on Commenor, but I think you should keep that for yourself... For your sake."

 

[Sikkol Cull]

Taozi Fuyuan​

He listened to her speak, nodding to assure he that he was in fact paying attention. A wry smile appearing when she began explaining the limited options about tendinitis. Even getting a s chuckle about the battle part.

"Hey hold up everyone. Gotta sit down for a minute." He joked while raising a hand. "Sure that would be a confusing thing to hear from the enemy mid firefight."

The bell drew his eye quickly to the datastick as Taozi returned it to him. The meaning was not lost in the motion, and a deep sigh followed it as he spoke.

"The Cull Elders are gathering up what they can and making a backup. As best we can. Some of it...we... well. More a memorial rather than useful. Names. Faces." The smile faded quickly before his chin fell and he blinked.

A familiar sting coming to his eyes as he pushed it back.

"But we move forward. Trying not to forget where we came from, what we came from." He forced a smile and shuddered a breath trying to get back on topic. "Least we can do for those we've lost, yeah? Hold our heads up and push on. Make the galaxy a better place. Not let ourselves get hung up."

 

[Taozi Fuyuan]

A quiet hum came from Taozi as she leaned back to sit straight on the stool. The Culls had not been as lucky as the Tals after the Sith pillaged and destroyed Mandalore, it made sense their records would be all but destroyed. She wondered how many names and faces had been lost forever. Dozens? Hundreds? Even one was one too many lost.

A memorial though...

"You know... This isn't quite related to your visit today, but... I've been talking to the city, about making a memorial for Tal members who died during Concord Dawn... You and yours are Tal now... I could add them to the list of names, if your Elders agree. I know you're clutching to your own names, and I understand why, of course, but... I want you and the rest of Clan Cull to know you're family now. All of you."

The warmth in her smile did not match the sadness in her eyes.

Sikkol Cull

 

[Sikkol Cull]

Taozi Fuyuan​

There was contemplation in his actions as he turned the datastick over and over in his hands. Her offer was a kindness that went beyond words. The entirety of the data on the little device something that he would gladly have raided countless sith holdings to get. And yet still it was not complete.

A failure he shouldered in some misconstrued way that made sense in his mind.

"I'll approach the elders about it. They'll likely be willing but...they are speaking with those that remain. Gathering names. Dates. Family ties. When..." He bit his tongue on the words before sighing.

"It might be some time before we share a list. We aren't confident we've...found...everyone, yet." He admitted quietly. The stick tumbling still in between his fingers.

"My, uhm. My brother was. He was the voice. Of the elders. Was looked up to. A, uh. Sort of measuring stick. I guess." He bit his lip before clearing his throat. "But. Now. That's...that's me." The datastick stopped moving as he looked up to her finally. Confusion taking the place of anything else that had been there.

"How am I supposed to support them? I can't even let go of what happened. Can't get...that out of my head. I want to throw this stupid thing against the wall. I want to fly off to their space and make them feel as small as I do. Make them-" He let go of the stick and put both hands to his head.

Struggling to keep calm. Failing at controlling his breathing. To keep the sting in his eyes from being more as he shuddered and sniffed.

 

[Taozi Fuyuan]

Taozi listened to Sikkol Cull quietly. She could tell how heavily the subjugation of Clan Cull weighed on her brother, and it made her heart ache. His emotions were strong, and she could feel them flowing off of him in waves. Sadness. Guilt. Confusion. Everything Sikkol was feeling, Taozi felt. Then, he put words to his emotions, and he spiraled.

Slowly, gently, Taozi hugged him.

A blanket of calmness wrapped around Sikkol in the Force, and Taozi placed a hand on the back of his head. Not too long ago, she had felt the same, and just like Manu Xextos was there for her when she broke down, she would be there for Sikkol. She carded her fingers through his hair soothingly, and whispered softly.

"I know... I understand. Go on, let it all out, vod. No one is here but me... You're safe here. We'll talk once you let it all out, okay?"

 

[Sikkol Cull]

Taozi Fuyuan​

The hug was not shrugged off. Aani had done much the same when he had sat silent and cradling his head to listen to him as Taozi now did. The blanket of calmness centered his feelings, though they did not stop the downward spiral of his thinking. The self-doubt and internalized feelings that he had produced within his own mind.

Self-deprecating and harsh beyond measure that kept the small embers of effort alive.

Her words sparked the surface of what kept him held together. He felt stuck beneath a mire of muck and tar, his thoughts his perceived prison as the room seemed to spin as words poured out.

"I failed them. I failed everyone." He choked on the words. "I'm a coward for not doing more. For not-" The blanketing calm allowed him to breath. Pressure seeming to mount as his hands trembled, leaning his whole body into her embrace as his whole body shook with effort.

It felt like pulling himself through sludge, trying to get to a place where he wasn't lodged up to his neck in self-loathing and weighed down with perceived failures that no one but he had placed upon himself.

A battle he held everyday to get up and even function as the feeling settled further.

"I shouldn't have made it through the mines. So many better than I were lost in there. They didn't let themselves be broken. They never relented. Never gave up. And I just. I didn't fight." He wanted to sink into that mire in his mind. Wanted to dissapear as he spoke. To stop struggling. To stop feeling.

"I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have made it. I'm a useless fraud! I don't even know what I'm doing?!" His hands fumbled, opening and closing on nothing before finding the edge of the table and clamping down. The white knuckled grip making noise as he tried to keep himself centered, to keep hold and his head above the muck that tried to swallow him finally.

 

[Taozi Fuyuan]

A frown pulled at Taozi's lips as she felt Sikkol Cull 's self-coubt, and it was a feeling all too familiar to her. Long were those days of her uncertainty, new to her position, but never did she forget those feelings. Those by-gone days of old, where one day she felt excited and confident in her newly appoint position as Alor, only to wake the next day with nigh crippling doubt that she was truly prepared for the position.

Only, she didn't have to deal with trauma at the same time.

Tears formed by emotions not her own trickled down her cheeks as she held her brother. She let him speak, get all of his emotions out, with a quiet calm radiating from her through the Force, weighing gently on their shoulders like a comforting blanket. Carding her fingers through his hair, Taozi pondered what best to say.

She'd rather not make the situation worse.

"Sikkol... Look at me." Taozi pulled back, and rested her hands on Sikkol's shoulders with a gentle squeeze. "I want you to know, all of these feelings you're feeling are completely valid, okay? You went through a very traumatizing experience, and the fact that you survived is not a burden. You are not a burden for surviving."

 

[Sikkol Cull]

Taozi Fuyuan

The words wrung out of him, he sobbed. Memories of those lost, memories of the ones remaining and now looking to him drawing out the fear and self-loathing that had taken hold when he had taken the mantle of his clan.

He'd never been around someone that wielded the force, and the comfort that weighed on his shoulders was both worrying and welcome.

A strange blend to be married to the feelings that rode him now.

It was difficult to meet her eyes when she asked, the rocking sobs doubling him over as he slowly reigned in the control with help from the comfort that she was using over him. A mess would have been a polite way of describing him in the moment. Eyes red and bleary, mouth tense to keep himself breathing as she spoke and reassured him.

He wanted to shake his head, deny it all and let himself be carried along by the wave trying to consume him. It wasn't a demanding urge to run off on some glorious final stand against some enemy or other of the day. But an overwhelming urge to simply blink out of existence as though he had never been in the first place.

The weight of survival, and now responsibility, were a mantle he had been sorely unprepared for.

But she was trying to help and above all others would know what he was feeling.

At least that was the single shimmer of hope he held onto.

"I'm not worthy of leading them." He managed, the words a plea from the deepest part of his mind, his eyes looking away and back again. Confidence failing only to return again with the continued feeling of comfort she used.

"We...we all survived. Watched...couldn't help...couldn't save others. What makes me worth the title when there are others?" He gasped, trying to center himself and struggling.

 

[Taozi Fuyuan]

"Sikkol... You are a Mandalorian, and surviving is what we do best. While you may not find yourself worthy of your position, it's clear to me by the way the rest of Clan Cull look to you, that they believe your are worthy. Trust your vode, even when you don't trust yourself.

"You led them here, to Taanab, knowing they would be safe here, and that's why they trust you. You're my brother now, Sikkol, lean on me to help you lead them. Neither of us are perfect leaders, but we have each other to help the other. I didn't have someone to help me adjust when I took my position... So let me be that person for you."

Taozi smiled softly, tears trickling down her cheeks and onto the floor. Gently, she removed her hands from Sikkol Cull 's shoulders, and removed his hands from squeezing the bedframe. The strength he was using could not be healthy for his joints, after all. Squeezing her fingers around his hands, she sighed.

"If you can't believe yourself, believe me when I say you will get better. We will get through this together, if you can't get through it on your own. It's okay to ask for help."

 

[Sikkol Cull]

He could hear her speaking. Processed the words even through the strange war of anguish and comfort. The feeling she had placed around him slowly but surely winning the internal struggle as the severity of his gasps and straining eased.

Her hands pulled at his, releasing the grip he'd kept for to long as discomfort briefly shot along his index finger and back to the knuckle.

A there and gone pain shifting the gasp into a pained chuckle at the irony of his situation.

Warmth rolled over his shoulders as his mind dwelled on the physical pain rather than the mental, a shudder running through him with a shake of his head. Tears stained his cheeks as he leaned forward enough to hide his face better.

"I just. I-." He stammered, struggling to find the words. "What do I do with. Myself? To be better? Like you I mean?"

A plea from something within him that hadn't dared to think the mines would let go of himself and his people. Those now looking to him and their new family for guidance.

"I am not my brother. Nor can I be. But he...he seemed to just know what to do. What to say. Much like you." Pain laced the words, a truth and comparison he could never escape in his own mind.

"Nothing seems to phase you." A belief in his own mind with what he knew of her.

Taozi Fuyuan

 

[Taozi Fuyuan]

Taozi pressed her lips together at her brother's questions. She looked down, blurring her vision further from the tears from emotions not her own. With every word Sikkol Cull spoke, something deep within her got drawn to the surface.

"Nothing seems to phase you."

A façade. A lie. A mask she clung so tightly to without even realizing, and now that it's hit her in the face...

Breathing in, Taozi's grip on her brother's hands tightened ever so slightly as she shook her head.

"That's... not true... I just-" Taking a shaky breath, Taozi looked up to look her brother in the eyes. The blanket of calm faded, as she could no longer keep it together to maintain it. There was a deep anguish in Taozi's eyes as she looked at Sikkol, and she struggled to get her words out.

"I... I hide it... All the time. Every sign of sadness, anguish, anger... I don't want my vode to worry about me. I don't want our enemies to think I'm weak... My unshakable demeanor is just a well crafted lie to protect my own feelings.

"Ever since the day Taanab burned I... I-" A sharp inhale interrupted Taozi's words as she held back a sob. "I've never been the same."

 

[Sikkol Cull]

His own emotions didn't pause as she revealed the truth of her own calm. She had and was dealing with the same thing in some measure. Her own struggle that she kept so well hidden that only know did he see even a small part of it.

It wasn't anger or anguish that was behind the squeeze of his hands against hers. Solidarity and understanding as some small part of his mind took comfort in knowing it wasn't alone in a similar struggle. The one leadership tended to heap upon those willing or otherwise. The small chuffed laugh came without willing it, a broken sound as he collected himself enough to make sense.

"Seems the boat holds more than one. I...I can listen. Like you've done for me. Or just." He sniffled a little, giving a small shrug of his shoulders. "Or just be here. I...we aren't alone in those feelings. Besides that."

She would sense the false bravado perhaps, but he went ahead anyway.

"We're still here. It didn't keep you or I down. Our own battles I mean. So, we have that I guess." Shaking his head, he couldn't help but feel the irony of the situation. A physical check up leading to a mental check up. For the both of them.

 

[Taozi Fuyuan]

Taozi sniffled as her own emotions began to bubble to the surface. Feelings and thoughts she had buried for so long, that not even her teacher had been able to carve out of her. She gave her own, short, broken laugh.

"Yes... I suppose the boat isn't just for one."

Wiping away her tears, she pulled away to grab the box of tissues, and placed it within reach of the both of them before grabbing one herself and blowing her nose. Taking a deep breath, she grabbed a second clean one to wrap the dirty one with, before tossing the ball of tissue in the nearest trash bin.

"I would have you listen, but... Not today, I think. This visit was meant to be for your physical, after all... Which will still be done, and at the end I'm scheduling a therapist visit for you. Doctor's order."

Wiping her tears, Taozi smiled teasingly at her brother about the therapist visit.

 

[Sikkol Cull]

Taozi Fuyuan

A shuddered breath, a deep exhale marred by effort to keep the sniffles and mounting tears out of his eyes had him finally centering himself as she led the way on the matter. Even being as stubborn as he was, the decision to use a tissue rather than his hands or sleeve came after a long moment of reflection.

The mention of a prescribed therapist visit had him flashing a wry smile.

"Any you would suggest? It's always best to lead by example I've heard." The wry smile breaking into something a little more cunning than he let on.

While he was a bound to avoid harming others, that didn't mean he slept on tactics and ambush. Even something like this was something of a battlefield when it came to everyone's health. And his Alor and Vod would find the Helljumper Clan to be tenacious in time with the right push.

"I will take you up on the listen though. After we, you know." His hands busied themselves with waving about the office for context. "Get this done. Have a favorite drink?"