Equipment: Simple Jedi Robes, inherited
lightsaber
Tag:
Okkeus Dainlei
,
Starlin Rand
,
Micah tol Powl
,
Sky'ito Yumi
,
Draven Eterena
Desbre still mourned the loss of her ship. It had been heavily damaged in an incident when she had been on a long survey mission. As far as she knew, it was still sitting on the lush moon that belonged to Anse Baenshaol. He'd found her crashed vessel, helped her escape from slavers, and people hunting her. The two had grown close, but the incident had shown her so many things. Taking public transit to Commenor grated a little, but thankfully it was full of Jedi. She missed the freedom of her ship. And it's solitude. But since returning back to Silver Jedi Concord space, she'd gained more training on Kashyyyk.
After four years she still had not found a Master that sought to stick with her. Three had come, three had gone. But in time she had realized through discussions that it had nothing to do with her, and everything to do with matters of service. Some had even returned to the Force. But based on the training criteria in the
Jedi Comport she was doing quite well. All her training and evaluations showed a quite high level of competency for a padawan. The truth was she worked her ass off for it, virtually every waking moment. Even if she hadn't trained close to the heart of the SJC, she took every lesson she'd ever learned and sought to drain every bit out of it she could. Practicing relentlessly, religiously. Driven by forces most of the other Padawans she knew of didn't' seem to share.
She knew there were personal challenges she had to face. And there were pains still clinging to her spirit and her mind she had to deal with. Matters of family and home that haunted her days and nights, and dogged her like a coachman with a whip. When she couldn't train, she poured herself into her artwork or tinkering. A lot of that had gone up on the Comport. But she still kept relatively to herself. Most, if not all the padawans were half a decade to a decade younger. The level of life experience in many cases was less intense. She barely knew any of them at all. She recognized
Tom Kovack and
Aveline Cuiléin
from a recent lightsaber training class on Kashyyyk at The Silver Rest, but that was as far as any recognition went. She still felt like an outsider in many ways. But that had been true for most of her life.
As they all made their way toward the gardens she'd passed Tom and Aveline each and gave them a nod and faint smile of recognition while letting her ranging strides take her ahead of the group. She did surreptitiously glance around, looking at the structures and enjoying the sighs and architecture. But the truth was, she'd seen plenty of such sights back home. Arkanians liked to push the bounds and the bleeding edge of technology and techniques, including engineering, building, and architecture. Commenor was pretty and it was alive and bustling, but the ebb and flow of urban life was nothing different to her. Even if she'd spent more time dirtside and working the mines of Arkania as an ore sorter and then a hovertruck driver first. And of course a swoop racer. She was going to have to go home at some point.
What kind of Jedi do you want to be?
The question nagged at her. But that was why she came here to find out. Part of her wondered why this couldn't be attended remotely. The Jedi had plenty of Holonet access. The Comport was
designed for this kind of thing. But some things were best done in person, she supposed. Here, one could feel each other out through the Force, connect tele-empathically, and share experiences on a whole new level.
Taking her seat she listened to
Amaly Naetre and her opening speech.
She sounds like a tour guide was the first thought that went through Desbre's head. But she realized there had to be a little bit of showmanship at the start of these things. As introductions began, starting with
Takui
. The two seemed they could have been brother and sister almost with their pale features and hair. Some might have mistaken Desbre for Echani, but no.
Taku finished his short introduction, leaving it to Des. She felt on the spot, but there was nothing for it. The best she could do was give her best and honest effort. "
My name is Desbre Gensan. There are many reasons why I came to the Silver Jedi," she began, slowly. Pressure began to build up in her chest, a mixture of anxiety at how much she should share, and also how painful some of her reasons were. But honesty was key, and she knew others had similar struggles. Hearing what she had to say might well help them, and help them find some measure of peace, of place, or at least reassurance that they weren't alone. Being truly alone was perhaps the worst of it all.
"
Four years ago, I lost someone I loved dearly. My grandmother and grandfather were raising my siblings and me after our parents died in a vehicle collision. It shouldn't have happened, but sometimes safety measures aren't foolproof. Anyway, when I reached my teenage years like many padawans are now, I started hanging out with 'the wrong crowd'." Finger quotes and all. "
I completed my schooling. I worked two jobs. Three technically. I worked for a mining company sorting ore and rough diamond or driving the ore haulers. Job three was racing. I had rocket fuel for blood, I guess. Still do. In the racing scene, I was drinking, and hanging out all hours. I slept around too. Got into fights. Anything to fell, or not feel the things I wanted to avoid. I got into fights with my grandparents. I never felt good enough for my grandfather. My grandmother tried to pull me away from my 'friends'. I saw it as her trying to ruin my life, rather than keep me safe."
She gathered a breath and let it out slow, using a touch of the Force to ease her nerves. As she spoke she turned her attention to each of her peers and the Master giving this whole discussion, trying to connect with each and impress on them the gravity of the decisions she'd made. "
Things came to a head one night after an argument with my Grams. She was getting up there in age. But I didn't care. I'd not raced in months, but I was soooo angry at her. And I don't even remember why now. I didn't hate her, but I felt trapped and claustrophobic. I needed to blow off steam. I called up my friends. There was a big pot on a race that night. I took some of my stored up cash and entered."
"
The race went well, until the last little bit. The whole time I'd been alive in a way I'd never expected. Everything flowed. I was happy. I was in my bliss. Nothing else mattered but the speed, the freedom. Everything else was washed away. I could anticipate what people were doing almost. I recognize now that I was in the flow state and also feeling the Force. But so too did I feel a spike in stress, then pain, and distress.... My head hurt as though a spike had driven through it. And then I began to feel cold, numb, disoriented. One of the other racers sideswiped me at three hundred kilometers per hour. I slammed into the tunnel wall we were in. I managed to recover before things could get worse, but had to limp my bike back."
"
I get home, and emergency medical services are posted up outside the house. My grandmother had a massive stroke and aneurysm. It had been just waiting to go for some time, but it kicked off when my grandparents found out where I was and what I was doing." Her gaze fell at this. This story was still hard to tell, even though she'd told it several times now. But it was distant, years ago, even if it still stung.
"
My grandfather had every right to kick me out, but he didn't. We hardly spoke, and I knew he blamed me for Grams' death. And he was right. He was one hundred percent right. It was my fault. Even if I didn't pull the trigger, so to speak. A while later though, we sat down to talk about it. I wanted to clear the air, and maybe try to salvage things." Guilt an shame rolled off her in waves as she relayed her story, easily seen and easily felt.
She shrugged one shoulder, picking at her nails in her lap. "
I took him back that night, as he listened. I laid everything out for him. All my thoughts and feelings on the fight at the time. And then getting into the race, and the race itself. I don't think they ever really understood until that point what racing meant to me. It wasn't about the partying, or anything else. It was about feeling alive, freedom, and doing something that I truly loved. And even working on my bike, hanging out with the people that did actually care. My girlfriend. Even the guys that taught me how to scrap on the street. The ones that looked out for me. They were better friends than he knew. They'd only chosen to see one side of things."
"
As I relayed the events in as much detail as I could, he got this far away look. And he told me to sit and wait at the kitchen table in our little house. It was just me and him. My sister and brother were off elsewhere at the time. He came back with an old storage box and sat it down on the table. And began to explain that long before the Gulag outbreak, and purportedly after, there had been a few Arkanians in our bloodline that had served as Jedi. And my experiences in some ways matched what little he knew that had survived. As evidence, he presented me this," she said, reaching down to unclip the
lightsaber at her belt. "
He showed me some old picture albums. Physical media on flimsi, archival quality. But I didn't recognize any of the faces, and there weren't any names that I knew of. That day he suggested that maybe I wasn't meant to be on Arkania and that perhaps I was strong in the Force, meant to be a Jedi." She shook her head. "
That was a subtle way for him of saying I should go away. Or at least go see what I can learn or find out."
She sighed then. "
So I pooled my resources, bought me an ancient Loronar B-9 freighter, and fixed it up as best I could. Then I set out with just this lightsaber. And that's how I came to the Order. I came seeking knowledge of my ancestors. Knowledge of the Force. Was I really strong in it? Could I actually be a Jedi? Could I make my family and my people proud? Could I redeem my past mistakes? Could I contribute in some meaningful way?"
She sighed. "
So I found some of my answers. Obviously. But I still don't know my heritage. And there's always more to learn. What kind of Jedi do I want to be? I haven't slowed down long enough to really contemplate it. As things go, I've been following the flow and the Will of the Force. And as I am told I'm nearing the time for my Trials. To build my own saber. And this is a question that I think I need to answer. And at the same time, my skills are broad enough I know I can go almost any direction."
"
What kind of Jedi do I want to be? I don't know. But maybe this will help me figure it out," she said. As she finished she addressed Master Naetre directly. A measure of anxiety welled up within her as she lapsed into silence. It was a lot. A
ton of pain and trouble she had dumped on this small gathering. And she'd monopolized so much time already. And if one paid attention, before she'd come to the Order, she'd... by some considerations.. ben a criminal. That thought stung. She'd never seen herself like that, but she supposed it was true. The whole pouring out of herself made her realize a few things. Some aspects of her personality hadn't changed. She still loved speed and the freedom of it. She loved machines, tinkering, drawing. Mental challenges, but she also loved lightsaber combat. Loved growing, learning, feeding her mind, and also asking questions, turning as many corners as she could. And the truth was, her story only covered the highlights. There were some truly miserable moments in time, especially since beginning her time with the Jedi. And before, she'd done some things that were definitely codified as illegal in some places and celebrated in others.
All she could do was hope that Master Naetre considered what she'd revealed about her past as water under the bridge. But she silently waited for the ax to fall that would take her head from her shoulders, figuratively speaking. She didn't realize then that she was clutching her saber in a white-knuckle death-grip, and forced herself to relax, breathing slowly.
If the ones that had allowed her to join the Order for training hadn't seen fit to d something about her history... it was unlikely such a welcoming teacher would do any such thing, she reminded herself. The whole purpose was to help and show others that even with a terrible beginning, they might well find a path and a place. And that they weren't alone, and didn't have to suffer in silence. And it was one tiny little drop in the ocean of debt she felt she could never repay.