Private The Jedi Arts

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons:
Tag: Valery Noble

"But I'm always alone." Gatz spoke very softly.

There was no gut punch that went along with that admission. The empty chasm in his chest didn't widen at all. As miserable as he was, Gatz had long since accepted that solitude was his penance for all that he had done. It was... normal now. But it also meant that what Valery was talking about was out of reach for him. There weren't people for him to share his life with.

Hell, he was going to spend Life Day alone this year. The one time that everyone got together, and he would still be on his own. His first holiday season without his family, and unfortunately, it wouldn't be the last. So ideas like 'fun' and 'sharing' were no longer obtainable for him. The wisdom that Valery was trying to impart to him—wisdom that he desperately wanted to abide by—offered him nothing.

"I have no one."

Better that way, he told himself. Less people to poison with his presence. And it meant that when he inevitably got himself killed, he wasn't leaving anyone behind to grieve for his loss. It wasn't a happy thought, per se, but it did make it a whole lot easier for him to be selfless. He didn't have to worry about the consequences of his death, because there weren't any.

Maybe that made him a better man, in the end. The Jedi of old had denied themselves attachment. And sure, that Order had fallen to shambles, but it had also endured for thousands of years. Maybe there was wisdom in that: in being devoid. The idea didn't bring him any sort of comfort, but Gatz was quickly learning that few things did these days.

Maybe comfort wasn't what he ought to be seeking. Maybe a life lived in the service of others was all that mattered, regardless of what it did to him.

 

[Valery Noble]

New Cov Temple

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

"Is that really so?" Valery asked with a tilt of her head. "I don't think that credits the friends you've made, who want to help and work with you. We've spent a lot of time together already, and hell, that Meld with Briana didn't form because you two were complete strangers to each other either," Valery said, though with a calm tone of voice. She did understand where he was coming from, especially after Klein's death.

But it was important not to forget about everything or everybody else.

"It took me 30 years before I met the man I married, and I can't say I've had close friends like the ones I have now until after stasis either. Life... is very weird and unpredictable with it, and for many years, I had given up hope too," Valery admitted with a frown. She could still remember the days when she had feelings for people, but felt too scared to ever open up about them. The traditional Jedi and their ways had made her life so much harder.

"So, trust me, I do understand how you feel. I just don't want you to give up hope. As long as you don't isolate yourself, there's never a reason to lose hope."

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons:
Tag: Valery Noble

Was he really alone?

"You know, every year, my family would pack into Klein's apartment for Life Day. Klein would try and fail to cook something. Mom would take over and fix it. Dad and I would just sit in the living room by the fireplace, to try and keep warm. It got a little tougher after mom got sick. Even more so after Dad died. But we still made the point to do it, because it was the one time a year that we all got together." Gatz said quietly.

"This year, I'll be spending Life Day standing at their graves."

Yes, he really was.

Friends were great. But friends were temporary. Eventually, they all went off to do their own thing, and he'd be left on his lonesome again. Even Briana was only around because she literally had to be all of the time. As soon as they found a way to break the meld, she'd be gone too. And that was fair. He wouldn't hang around himself either. No one with half a brain would.

"I don't need to isolate myself. The galaxy has done that for me."

Gatz stood with a sigh. He offered Valery the training saber back, silently. As far as first lessons went, this hadn't been a bad one. Just everything that had happened after it had sucked. Still, the one thing he wasn't going to give up on was Jedi training. It was, quite literally, the only purpose he had left in the galaxy.

"Thanks for the lesson. I'm gonna go hit the showers, since we just worked out in a humid ass jungle. Maybe I'll feel hope when I get out."

 

[Valery Noble]

New Cov Temple

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

Valery listened to him, then nodded, "Look, I'm going to be honest with you here. It's okay to feel the way you do, and we all go through times of grief where we feel like we can't get back up. I understand that, and I don't blame you for it. But it's also important to move forward from there eventually. The Galaxy, life or whatever you want to call it, is going to throw you and everybody else through difficult times. I woke up from stasis one day to find out that everybody I once knew was long gone. You have just gone through your own loss."

She paused for a moment and hoped that her words would at least spark something, before she continued, "Friends aren't the same as family, but friends will be the people who pull you out of misery if you don't have family to fall back on, as long as you allow them to. Self-pity isn't why I have a family now, or why I have very close friends to rely on." With that said, she'd allow him to leave to take his shower.

It was going to take time for his mentality to be less self-destructive, she knew. He had lost a lot in a short amount of time, so he needed to grief. But if he convinced himself that everything and everybody was against him and finding joy or purpose, then nothing would ever change.

Only he had the power to make that difference for himself.

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons:
Tag: Valery Noble

Gatz knew Valery understood. But it had been a long time since she'd lived in solitude. A long time since she'd had no one. Maybe someday, her words would make sense to him and bring him some amount of comfort. But today, a woman who had everything was telling a man who had nothing that things were going to be alright. Of course she thought that. She had a family. She had loved ones to go home to.

Then came the line about self-pity, and Gatz's anger exploded. It consumed him like a fire, burning him from the inside out. His blood all but boiled in an instant, and he wanted nothing more than to open his mouth and let Valery feel the heat of his rage. Self-pity? Who was she to lecture him, after everything he'd lost? Lost in the pursuit of doing good; in the pursuit of following the path that she'd set him on.

He wanted her to burn with him. Vengeance for trivializing his pain.

But revenge was not the Jedi Way.

So Gatz squashed his anger. Rolled all that fire up into a tight ball, and buried it in his heart. One day, he wouldn't be able to contain all the fear and rage he hid inside. One day, they'd slip out and he'd finally become a monster. But not today.

"I just told you that I'm going to spend my first holiday season alone, staring at tombstones in the cold." He said very quietly, "and you decide that's the time to lecture me on self-pity?"

Gatz sighed, too tired now for anger. Too tired for anything, really. There was no point in trying to make Valery understand. She could still enjoy the holidays. She'd be bundled up happily with her husband and children. He'd be risking hypothermia just to try and be as close to his family as possible.

"Maybe I'll get lucky and freeze to death."

Any hope he might have had now dashed, Gatz began to walk away.