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Gna Grimwasp

Bad ass space fairy
Character

OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION
GENERAL INFORMATION
  • Planet Name: Lo-kie
  • Demonym: Li-lili
  • Region: Tingel Arm,
  • System Name: Lolian system
  • System Features: Lo-Kie is in a 3 planet system. The 1st planet is a small gas planet. The 2nd is Lo-Kie. The 3rd is a large gas giant
  • Location: between skism and eriu
  • Major Imports: mostly building materials but the planet is fairly self sufficient.
  • Major Exports: Mythra a good source of Desh Alum and Ecru
  • Unexploited Resources: unknown: planet Lo-kie has a small amount of Songsteel though that has yet to be mined
GEOGRAPHIC INFORMATION
  • Gravity: Galactic basic
  • Climate: Temperate
  • the planet has an tropical clime but due to its mega continent it is desert like in the center of the continent.
  • near either poles it can become cold
  • it should be noted that due to the mega continent the planet is wrecked with tornadoes and mega storms.
  • Primary Terrain: Grassland, Mountains, Oceans, mostly rocky
  • Atmosphere: Type I,
LOCATION INFORMATION
  • Capital City: Atros
  • Planetary Features: A major asteroid crater that appears to have happened a millennia ago fractured the planets mega continent
    this hasn't split the continent but has created a giant sink hole. this has yet to be explored.
  • other than that the planet has little to no real features save a few primitive species yet to be documented
  • the planet has mega jungles
  • it offers a lot of land due to a mega continent.
  • Major Locations: Atros and a few mining locations
  • Atros ia a mountain high city
  • the only currently on Lo-kie the city is 130 miles wide and 3 miles tall in the center and highly populated with the fast breeding Lo-lili.
    it acts as star port and manufacturing hub.
  • Atlos: is located 3000 miles away in the northern Tundra is a Alusteel Quarry. the location is besieged by " Kull " raids due to the subterranean species being attracted to the vibrations.
  • Velasian: a Oil rigging platform in the gigantic sea this is a relatively peaceful location though is hammered by the super storms.
  • Tarran: a agricultural operation in the jungles of Lo-kie essentially a deforestation program. constantly besieged by " Kull" raids

POPULATION
  • Native Species: none save some primitive animal species
  • Immigrated Species: Lo-lili and Kullasexriak
  • Population: Moderate,
  • Demographics: Almost all Lo-lilli
  • Primary Languages: Basic / galactic standard
  • Culture: the Lo-lili are an imperialistic species with a fanatical mentality that far exceeds there size. the Lo-lili view the planet as there Manifest destiny and the Kull as impeding there divine right.
GOVERNMENT & ECONOMY
  • Government: Imperial Empress Killik
  • constitutional monarchy.
  • Affiliation: Na
  • Wealth: High
  • Stability: Medium, are in a almost constant war with the insect like semi vongform Kullasexriak
  • Freedom & Oppression: Fairly oppressive: war has made the population warlike.
    they use factory serfdom essentially a slave labor force. and are under military controll.
MILITARY & TECHNOLOGY
  • Military: medium
  • Technology: galactic standard
HISTORICAL INFORMATION
The lo-lili recently moved to the planet that they deemed to be unsettled and laid claim to it.
they did not know that the planet was infected with the crablike Kullasexriak after the planet was Vong formed buy the Yuuzhan Vong and long forgotten..

the warlike Lo-lili had always been imperialistic and took to combat in a hart beat.
As the " Kul" killed thousands of the Lo-lili the Lo killed them in return in the thousands.
thus the Empress started the imperial army and millions of lo-lili in to military service.
the city was pushed in to military production
thus Pixie tech was inducted in to the empire as it's military department of manufacturing plus research and development.
thus due to the races inability to use standard tech they have customized mini sized technology.
as such they became the defacto war administration.

the Kullasexriak however used its vong formed abilities to mutate itself to combat the Lo-lili
thankfully the " Kull" are subterranean for the most part.
but this lead to apocalyptic levels of war on the planet.
Sadly the Lo-lili's xenophobic tendencies forbid them calling on aid for little more than resources.
 
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V U L K A N
Admin
Good Evening Gna Grimwasp Gna Grimwasp

I always love to see people developing planets of their own as locations for their RP and their characters and species to live, and this seems like a really interesting setting.

Image

The image of the planet you use, while of the planet Reach, is not actually available in the link you have provided. I have looked around the internet and have found it one this website.​

Permissions

You have linked your approved species, the Lo-lili in the permissions field. I have quoted the description of the Permissions field below.​
Permissions: [Please link any Marketplace purchase or similar approvals to use other Writers’ content as part of this submission.]
I noticed that you also linked the Lo-lili in the links field where they should be so if you could please remove them from the permissions field. This field is only for permissions you have acquired for other writers content.​

Location

Location: tbd
Because of a planet's ability to be placed on the Chaos map, you can not leave the location field left blank, or filled with 'tbd' but you will actually have to choose a location for the planet. If you choose not to have the planet placed on the map that is absolutely fine, but every planet must be approached as if it will be placed on the Chaos map.​

Major Exports

Major Exports: rare minerals and gems a good source of Desh
1) Could you please specify which rare minerals and gems are available on the planet? There are rather a lot of them in the galaxy and this is rather vague.​
2) Could you please link Desh in your submission? It's not a common material, and people are unlikely to know what it is. The link to the wookie page can be found here.​

Unexploited Resources


Unexploited Resources: unknown planet had a small amount of Songsteel though that has yet to be mined
Which unknown planet are you referring to here? I thought there were only 3 planets in the system?​

Climate

Climate: Temperate slightly to tropical
Could you please further clarify what you mean by this? Do you mean the planet has a tropical climate that tends more to the tropical climes than cooler?​

Major Locations

Major Locations: Atros and a few mining locations
Above I have quoted your Major locations field, and below is the template's explanation. As you can see, the template requires not only that you include the major locations, but that you also include an explanation of each here. This is primarily so that anyone who chooses to RP on your planet has a better understanding of the locations on your planet they can RP in.​

Major Locations: [ What are the major locations on your world? Include an explanation on each. ]
Immigrated Species

Immigrated Species: Li-lili
You mention the Li-lili as an immigrated species here, but the only previous mention of the Li-lili are as the Demonym for the submission. Are the Li-lili an actual species as well? If so, please could you provide a link to the species submission.​

Primary Language

Primary Languages: Standard
I assume you mean galactic basic, also known as galactic basic standard? It might seem like a small thing, but if you could please rename this to galactic standard, or galactic basic standard to prevent any confusion in the future.​

Government

1) Form of government
The presence of an Imperial Empress would make this a monarchy, although the presence of a parliament would make this a constitutional monarchy.​
I have included the text from the template below, but we require an actual form of government here if you wish to further break it down by talking about the Empress and Parliament you can beneath that.​
Government: [ Federal Republic would describe a government such as the United States. Other general terms can be used. ]
2) Image
The image link you provided takes us directly to the image you're using for the Imperial Empress. You will also need to provide an image credit, the link to the artist's image page can be found here. Please refer to this article on image credits to see the correct way to credit artists.​

Affiliation

You list the affiliation of the planet as 'The Empire of the Wasp' what exactly is the Empire of the Wasp? Is this a minor faction, an organization for which you have a codex submission?​

Historical Information

1) Lo-lili
In the submission, you list the Lo-lili as a species native to the planet, however in the historical information you describe them as immigrants who move to the planet. Please could you either correct the population section to better reflect this by moving the Lo-lili to the Immigrated Species field.​
2) Ushang Vong
Who are the Ushang Vong? Are they a clan of the Yuuzhan Vong?​
3) Image
You've included an image at the bottom of the submission without an image credit. I've been looking around and it looks like the original artist has deleted their Deviantart page. I did find the image on a Warhammer art blog, here. or you could use Pinterest or another site.​
I know this is a lot to take in, but please read through my notes and let me know once you've made the adjustments.
 

Gna Grimwasp

Bad ass space fairy
Character
i appologize i'v highly dyslexic and this is my 1st attempt as a planet that isnt a dead rock.
the Lo-lili are essentially invaders. and laid clam to the planet
 
V U L K A N
Admin
Gna Grimwasp Gna Grimwasp

That's fine, if you just work through the points I've raised one by one then we're just polishing up the planet ready for approval. I do really like the concept you have here.

If you have any questions as you go then feel free to tag me and ask them here and I'll be more than happy to work with you to get this planet ready.
 
V U L K A N
Admin
Good Morning Gna Grimwasp Gna Grimwasp

You've got most of the points I raised, and this submission is looking much better. There are just a few outstanding points remaining.

Location

Location: tbd
As per my previous post, you can not leave this field to be determined at a later date. Because each planet we approve can be potentially added to the map you do need to choose a location for the planet on the map.

Major Locations

Image

You have added an image to the major Locations but have not added a corresponding image credit. I've looked around the internet and this appears to be the original artist if you could please add it to the submission.

Please tag me back when you've had a chance to look through this.
 

Gna Grimwasp

Bad ass space fairy
Character
sorry i cant find the old grid to pick a locaton i did post that immge link its the circular saw one.
done
 
Administrator
Admin
Gna Grimwasp Gna Grimwasp

This is a very interesting world - Just a few things to tweak and go over.

Permissions: If there are none to add? Simply mark it as "N/A"

System Features: The sentence below is a little confusing. I would rephrase it to: "Lo-Kie is a 3 planet system. The 1st planet is a small gas planet. The 2nd is Lo-Kie. The 3rd is a large gas giant." or something of that nature.
System Features: is a 3 planet system. Lo-kie being the 2nd 1st a small gas planet and a larger gas giant as the 3rd
Major Imports: This sentence is missing a word/needs tweaked. I believe it should be: "Mostly building materials but the planet is fairly self-sufficient."
Major Imports: mostly building materials but planet is fairly self sufficiency
Climate: Per the rules on the template "Don't use specific Earth references as shorthand instead of explaining something. Ex. 'Japanese culture,' 'Medieval Europe', etc." you can't liken planets to "Earth" - That will need to be reworded. The two descriptions below also contradict each other a little. We are not wracked with tornadoes and mega-storms but this world is? Perhaps describing how it is "earth-link" would be better. Does it share seasons? Is it warm consistently?
the planet has an earth like clime but due to its mega continent it is desert like in the center of the continent.
it should be noted that due to the mega continent the planet is wrecked with tornadoes and mega storms.
Capital City: This spot is really just for the name of the capital city. Details about the city should be in your points of interest.
Capital City: Atros a mountain remade into a city currently the only city on Lo-kie
Planetary Features: This sentence looks a little unfinished. It looks like it should be "A major asteroid crater that appears to have happened a millennia ago fractured the planets mega continent." - Also, when it fractured the continent, did it cause any of it to split off or is it still whole?
Planetary Features: A major asteroid crater that appears to have millennia ago fractured the planets mega continent.
Major Locations: What is Aluzsteel? Do you mean Alusteel? If so, this should be linked somewhere as a resource.
Atlos: is located 3000 miles away in the northern Tundra is a Aluzsteel Quarry. the location is besieged by " Kull " raids due to the subterranean species being attracted to the vibrations.

Force Nexus:
As this section is optional you can actually remove it from your submission if the planet does not have a Force Nexus.


Primary Language: You have "Standard" - But is that Galactic Basic? Or Standard for the Lo-Lili? If you want it to be Galactic Basic please state that.

Freedom & Oppression: Can you elaborate on this a little more? Being warlike doesn't really explain freedoms versus oppression on the planet. Can everyone access all areas of the city? Do they have slaves? Do some have more rights than others? Any restrictions?
Freedom & Oppression: Fairly free though war had made the population warlike.
History: I would recommend reading through this section, in particular, to ensure that all of it makes sense and that sentences are finished. Especially this sentence below:
the Kullasexriak however gained control over meany other forms of life via its vong formed abilities mutated to combat the Lo-lili



That's all. I know it seems like a lot but if you tackle one piece at a time it should be fairly straightforward. As mentioned in the history I would highly suggest proof-reading this submission thoroughly to make sure all parts make sense. It could also use a little more fleshing out in most areas. The planet is really interesting but as it stands it feels a little unfinished. Remember that these custom planets may be submitted the map for the community to enjoy. The more background you set down, the more clearly others will be able to understand your view of your creation.

Would you like to make these changes in your own time in the Pre-Codex or would you like me to leave this in live judging?

Please let me know and if you need help don't hesitate to ask.
 
Administrator
Admin
Gna Grimwasp Gna Grimwasp It's all right. We can work through each point bit by bit. Anything that hasn't been addressed I'll re-post for you.

Permissions: If there are none to add? Simply mark it as "N/A"

Planetary Features: This is close, but, there's a typo in there. I marked it purple. "A major asteroid crater that appears to have happened a millennia ago fractured the planets mega continent. This hasn't s[lit the continent but has created a giant sinkhole. this has yet to be explored."

Force Nexus: As this section is optional you can actually remove it from your submission if the planet does not have a Force Nexus.


Everything else seems to be addressed, though, some proofreading is still needed. It looks like you might be trying to edit from mobile. I know that's not always easy. Would you like me to sweep through and clean it up a little for you? (I won't change the content. Just format/spelling--Etc.)
 
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