So this one is going to be hard to write.
So in the short to get it out of the way for anyone curious, I'm going to be stepping away from writing for well I don't really know. I already have done so for a week but I figured I'd just leave this here for the people that may want to know, if anyone even cares about my writing in the first place. I don't know if I'll be back to writing posts at any point but I hope I end up back on here and mentally better then ever. That's the hope at least.
I've been struggling with depression since I was around 13 years old and anxiety much earlier in my life. Many of those years it was just something that clawed away at my mind with no way to understand it or explain making me feel defective. I have a lot of baggage held up inside of me that can feel difficult to get out and it often shows in how I act. I sometimes feel like I'm trapped in my own body with things just whirring away in the storm that can rage in my mind, whether it be the terror I feel at talking to people or at the idea trying to achieve something and wondering if I'll just screw it up. Some months It's like I'm not even anxious and I got all this creative zeal that drives me like crazy only for the anxiety to slowly start to crash in. It's crazy and a struggle. One I don't mention to most people and I don't even know why the hell I'm writing about this right now. I guess I'm a little desperate for the melodramatic and more ears.
Writing has kinda been amazing for me and writing on here and the old forum I was a part of is something I wholeheartedly love. I was always one for creative imagination, ruminations, and story crafting. If I didn't care about how I was judged probably would have been a cringy fanfic writer during my teens or something. I love it and I take great joy in coming up with ideas and characters and potential stories and then putting it into place and written text. I made some friends, wrote some plots and threads I'm fond of, interacted with some lovely discord groups and some problematic ones (different site not you guys). To just satiate that inner story crafter and have an outlet for it is amazing. Plus I find it's been therapeutic in a way as I find it's a way for me to express a lot of my emotions and experiences. I didn't realize that I actually put a lot of myself into the characters I write and their pain. I want to keep at it but well life...
Since Covid started to really impact the US and my state went into lockdown it's difficult. I was isolated from all my friends, and still am a lot of times, I'm stuck living with my parents who I avoid talking to for a lot of deep seated reasons I'd rather not go into detail about and it's just been a catalyst for me to start feeling like crap again. I felt like I couldn't talk to people and I just feel like I'm always at the cusp at making some faux pas or being an ass. I ended up ghosting some people on discord or this site because I was terrified about getting the right response, then putting that off, then feeling like I'd be shamed if I tried to communicate for ignoring people and then I just isolated because I felt guilty for even the idea of posting on a discord server and just feeling like I was doing nothing but letting people down, especially everyone I left hanging by never writing a post for a thread because I lost motivation to write in it and felt like crap every time I looked at the thread. It's been well schitty, especially when a few months ago I had days where I felt nothing but physical agony and dread for hours.
It's died down now but now I find the very thought of trying to write a post or reach out to anyone to start a thread feels impossible to achieve. I just feel my insides churning when I think about it. I just can't write anymore, and it sucks. I want to write and I've been forcing myself to try and get posts out and write through it for months but it just gets to a point where you just have to accept that you can't function. That's the point I've been at right now. I hope it'll change in the future.
I'm not sure why I decided to share all of this stuff about myself, especially on a board where most people don't know me. Maybe I'm a little desperate for sympathy or hoping some people over from the TSE chat that knew me for my bad jokes will see this. This was likely a mistake but... feth it I'll just lay this down and I can cringe about it later. I probably done stupider stuff anyways.
But yeah, Life can be misery sometimes and My heart is out to anyone else who feels that way right now. Apologies to anyone who felt shafted or let out when I went silent and stopped talking to you on discord or on a site dm, and uh I'll hopefully come back to writing when I'm feeling better and rejuvenated and when life feels simpler.
For now though cheers.
So in the short to get it out of the way for anyone curious, I'm going to be stepping away from writing for well I don't really know. I already have done so for a week but I figured I'd just leave this here for the people that may want to know, if anyone even cares about my writing in the first place. I don't know if I'll be back to writing posts at any point but I hope I end up back on here and mentally better then ever. That's the hope at least.
I've been struggling with depression since I was around 13 years old and anxiety much earlier in my life. Many of those years it was just something that clawed away at my mind with no way to understand it or explain making me feel defective. I have a lot of baggage held up inside of me that can feel difficult to get out and it often shows in how I act. I sometimes feel like I'm trapped in my own body with things just whirring away in the storm that can rage in my mind, whether it be the terror I feel at talking to people or at the idea trying to achieve something and wondering if I'll just screw it up. Some months It's like I'm not even anxious and I got all this creative zeal that drives me like crazy only for the anxiety to slowly start to crash in. It's crazy and a struggle. One I don't mention to most people and I don't even know why the hell I'm writing about this right now. I guess I'm a little desperate for the melodramatic and more ears.
Writing has kinda been amazing for me and writing on here and the old forum I was a part of is something I wholeheartedly love. I was always one for creative imagination, ruminations, and story crafting. If I didn't care about how I was judged probably would have been a cringy fanfic writer during my teens or something. I love it and I take great joy in coming up with ideas and characters and potential stories and then putting it into place and written text. I made some friends, wrote some plots and threads I'm fond of, interacted with some lovely discord groups and some problematic ones (different site not you guys). To just satiate that inner story crafter and have an outlet for it is amazing. Plus I find it's been therapeutic in a way as I find it's a way for me to express a lot of my emotions and experiences. I didn't realize that I actually put a lot of myself into the characters I write and their pain. I want to keep at it but well life...
Since Covid started to really impact the US and my state went into lockdown it's difficult. I was isolated from all my friends, and still am a lot of times, I'm stuck living with my parents who I avoid talking to for a lot of deep seated reasons I'd rather not go into detail about and it's just been a catalyst for me to start feeling like crap again. I felt like I couldn't talk to people and I just feel like I'm always at the cusp at making some faux pas or being an ass. I ended up ghosting some people on discord or this site because I was terrified about getting the right response, then putting that off, then feeling like I'd be shamed if I tried to communicate for ignoring people and then I just isolated because I felt guilty for even the idea of posting on a discord server and just feeling like I was doing nothing but letting people down, especially everyone I left hanging by never writing a post for a thread because I lost motivation to write in it and felt like crap every time I looked at the thread. It's been well schitty, especially when a few months ago I had days where I felt nothing but physical agony and dread for hours.
It's died down now but now I find the very thought of trying to write a post or reach out to anyone to start a thread feels impossible to achieve. I just feel my insides churning when I think about it. I just can't write anymore, and it sucks. I want to write and I've been forcing myself to try and get posts out and write through it for months but it just gets to a point where you just have to accept that you can't function. That's the point I've been at right now. I hope it'll change in the future.
I'm not sure why I decided to share all of this stuff about myself, especially on a board where most people don't know me. Maybe I'm a little desperate for sympathy or hoping some people over from the TSE chat that knew me for my bad jokes will see this. This was likely a mistake but... feth it I'll just lay this down and I can cringe about it later. I probably done stupider stuff anyways.
But yeah, Life can be misery sometimes and My heart is out to anyone else who feels that way right now. Apologies to anyone who felt shafted or let out when I went silent and stopped talking to you on discord or on a site dm, and uh I'll hopefully come back to writing when I'm feeling better and rejuvenated and when life feels simpler.
For now though cheers.