Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

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LOA I just can't write anymore

Amur

Guest
A
So this one is going to be hard to write.

So in the short to get it out of the way for anyone curious, I'm going to be stepping away from writing for well I don't really know. I already have done so for a week but I figured I'd just leave this here for the people that may want to know, if anyone even cares about my writing in the first place. I don't know if I'll be back to writing posts at any point but I hope I end up back on here and mentally better then ever. That's the hope at least.

I've been struggling with depression since I was around 13 years old and anxiety much earlier in my life. Many of those years it was just something that clawed away at my mind with no way to understand it or explain making me feel defective. I have a lot of baggage held up inside of me that can feel difficult to get out and it often shows in how I act. I sometimes feel like I'm trapped in my own body with things just whirring away in the storm that can rage in my mind, whether it be the terror I feel at talking to people or at the idea trying to achieve something and wondering if I'll just screw it up. Some months It's like I'm not even anxious and I got all this creative zeal that drives me like crazy only for the anxiety to slowly start to crash in. It's crazy and a struggle. One I don't mention to most people and I don't even know why the hell I'm writing about this right now. I guess I'm a little desperate for the melodramatic and more ears.

Writing has kinda been amazing for me and writing on here and the old forum I was a part of is something I wholeheartedly love. I was always one for creative imagination, ruminations, and story crafting. If I didn't care about how I was judged probably would have been a cringy fanfic writer during my teens or something. I love it and I take great joy in coming up with ideas and characters and potential stories and then putting it into place and written text. I made some friends, wrote some plots and threads I'm fond of, interacted with some lovely discord groups and some problematic ones (different site not you guys). To just satiate that inner story crafter and have an outlet for it is amazing. Plus I find it's been therapeutic in a way as I find it's a way for me to express a lot of my emotions and experiences. I didn't realize that I actually put a lot of myself into the characters I write and their pain. I want to keep at it but well life...

Since Covid started to really impact the US and my state went into lockdown it's difficult. I was isolated from all my friends, and still am a lot of times, I'm stuck living with my parents who I avoid talking to for a lot of deep seated reasons I'd rather not go into detail about and it's just been a catalyst for me to start feeling like crap again. I felt like I couldn't talk to people and I just feel like I'm always at the cusp at making some faux pas or being an ass. I ended up ghosting some people on discord or this site because I was terrified about getting the right response, then putting that off, then feeling like I'd be shamed if I tried to communicate for ignoring people and then I just isolated because I felt guilty for even the idea of posting on a discord server and just feeling like I was doing nothing but letting people down, especially everyone I left hanging by never writing a post for a thread because I lost motivation to write in it and felt like crap every time I looked at the thread. It's been well schitty, especially when a few months ago I had days where I felt nothing but physical agony and dread for hours.

It's died down now but now I find the very thought of trying to write a post or reach out to anyone to start a thread feels impossible to achieve. I just feel my insides churning when I think about it. I just can't write anymore, and it sucks. I want to write and I've been forcing myself to try and get posts out and write through it for months but it just gets to a point where you just have to accept that you can't function. That's the point I've been at right now. I hope it'll change in the future.

I'm not sure why I decided to share all of this stuff about myself, especially on a board where most people don't know me. Maybe I'm a little desperate for sympathy or hoping some people over from the TSE chat that knew me for my bad jokes will see this. This was likely a mistake but... feth it I'll just lay this down and I can cringe about it later. I probably done stupider stuff anyways.

But yeah, Life can be misery sometimes and My heart is out to anyone else who feels that way right now. Apologies to anyone who felt shafted or let out when I went silent and stopped talking to you on discord or on a site dm, and uh I'll hopefully come back to writing when I'm feeling better and rejuvenated and when life feels simpler.

For now though cheers.
 
sɪɴɴᴇʀs ʙʏ ᴅᴇᴇᴅ ʙᴜᴛ ʀɪɢʜᴛᴇᴏᴜs sᴛɪʟʟ
I may not know you, But I know how you feel. I left chaos for... Months? Tbh Coming back helped distract me from my own depression for awhile. I managed to find some of my old writing partners, rekindle this character's story and completely change it for the better. I went from a forced lone wolf bounty hunter to rebuilding one the Mandalorians longest standing subfactions and all kinds of cool stuff.

And yet, Depression is a fickle thing, And kept me from posting for almost a week now... I'm getting help though and I'm back to posting. Whatever happens, I hope you get the help and encouragement you need.

If you're seeing this though, I have one piece of advice for you, Amur. I see plenty of self deprecation in this post. I've been there, I've done that. Still do, Actually, Just not as much. It doesn't help, That's your head being mean to ya, No one thinks that of you. Try to keep that in mind and remember you're better than you give yourself credit for, Okay?
 
We've never written together, but I get ya man. I've been there. When you're ready, we'll be here. Yes, for some it sucks not getting replies, but life comes first, especially when you're struggling with mental illness. However, in my experience, people were way more understanding when I opened up, and that helped me know when I got my stuff together there was a place for me- and even when my stuff isn't together and I just want to chill with my homies in the discord, there is a place for me there too. I really hope things get better for you man, best of luck.

Amur
 
"I sometimes feel like I'm trapped in my own body with things just whirring away in the storm that can rage in my mind, whether it be the terror I feel at talking to people or at the idea trying to achieve something and wondering if I'll just screw it up. Some months It's like I'm not even anxious and I got all this creative zeal that drives me like crazy only for the anxiety to slowly start to crash in."

I totally, totally get that. Don' know you or your writing, but I hope you take the time off you need - we all have to take breaks for health, and there's certainly no shame in needing that, or in making people aware that that is where you're at right now.

As someone who struggles with chronic anxiety pretty much every waking moment, I hope you find some relief. It's a struggle; hang in there.

- Jash
 
I enjoyed the brief chats I saw in our faction discord and I have really loved reading your stuff on the site since you joined TSE. While it's a bit of a bummer that you're stepping away from writing, its something I can really relate to going through a similar difficulty engaging with the site myself. I've taken a number of extended breaks over the couple of years I've been here, and I hope that with a break you might find that Chaos becomes a good place to write and express yourself again, that's what I'm hoping for myself.

However it goes, I hope that things improve soon, and everything gets a little easier to handle
 

Ariel Yvarro

Guest
A
Amur I'm going to echo a lot of the sentiments expressed here, but I genuinely want things to improve for you. As someone who struggles daily with depression, ADHD, and rejection sensitive dysphoria. I have not only felt what you felt but I continue to feel those things, I don't believe we've had an opportunity to write together. But, from what I have read - your writing is brilliant, take the time that you need to take care of yourself. Chaos will be here, when things get better and they will, they do - just take it one day at a time. When you're ready, we'll be here.
 
Amur

This broke my heart, you're such a wonderful writer and the community is going to miss having you in it. But that goes to say that we'll always be your community. We'll be here when you need us through thick and thin. As much chaos that happens on chaos, we're still here for you outside of the stories and pretend. You are such a pillar in the Empire and will be when you hopefully come back. We will miss you, I'll miss you and I hope where ever life takes you that you're well and can find your happiness.

You're an amazing person and I'll miss the heck out of you. See ya later Space Cowboy

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Amur

Hardest thing in life is recognising what steps you need to take for your own personal well being. Second hardest is actually taking them. You've done both here. Don't ever apologise for that.

I hope this break gives you the perspective you need and allows you to recharge the batteries.

Like a bad penny, Chaos will always be there.
 
We'll miss you, Amur! You were always fun to talk to and I'll definitely miss your humor. Your writing was always great to read and your characters enjoyable. We are all rooting for you and hope the absolute best for you darlin'!

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