First Reply Flunking [Open to New Jedi Order]

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Training Saber
Tag: Open to a Jedi/Member of the NJO

The Jedi Archives were quiet this late at night.

That was because most Jedi were smart enough to have been getting a good night's sleep. Gatz would have loved to have been doing that himself. But the simple truth was that he simply couldn't afford to get eight hours of sleep like any rational person. Not when he was so behind in his Jedi training and studies that he was being left in the dust by children. Only a few short weeks back with the Order, and already he was falling through the cracks.

He'd been a failure when he was nine. He was still a failure at twenty-five.

That was what had him sitting at a table, surrounded by holocrons, datapads, and the odd physical textbook so late at night. That was why, despite the bags under his eyes and the sallow tint to his skin, his nose was still buried in the readings in front of him. If he failed yet again, he wouldn't just be failing himself. He'd be failing everyone who'd ever put their faith in him too. Valery. Briana. Cora. Makko. Master Serys-Organa. Master Ryiah. There were too many people to count, and Gatz couldn't bear the thought of letting them down like he'd let his family down.

So much time and effort had been poured into him. It couldn't be wasted. He wouldn't let it be wasted. He didn't care if he had to live off of four hours of sleep a night, like he'd been doing since returning to the Order. He had to make this second chance count for something. Gatz had to prove he was worthy of it.

He was failing in that endeavor too, of course. Failing was what he did.

At some point, the permanent haze of exhaustion that trailed him like a storm cloud caught up. In one moment, Gatz went from studying a datapad, to slapping his face down against the table he was sat at. And so he napped—unexpectedly, and unintentionally—as exhaustion finally claimed him and forced him to rest. Small breaths escaped him, but only breaths—even in his sleep, Gatz couldn't bring himself to snore and disturb the quiet halls of the archive.

It wasn't the most comfortable place to nap. But at least he was sleeping for once.

 

[Colette]

Gatz Derrevar

There was just no denying that books sucked, but they were a crucial part in Colette catching up with what others had been learning in the past. And this was Coruscant, which meant that any escape — literal or literary — was a welcome one.

And it helped settling the jet lag from traveling between stars. That helped too.

But, where Gatz was quiet in this otherwise deserted library there was no such respect from Colette. She had caught him dozing off before, and now he had managed to sleep. Well, at least for a little while. The kid raised her books above her head, the biggest tome of the bunch and promptly dropped it on the table with a loud BANG as she took a seat in front of him.

"Long day?" She asked while barely hiding her laughter.

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Blaster Pistol
Tag: Colette

On Nar Shaddaa, falling asleep at his table in a bar would have been a death sentence. Too many people wanted him dead, and murdering him was far too easy a task to accomplish. So when Colette woke him with a bang, Gatz jumped to his feet, eyes feral like an animal backed into a corner. His hand reached for his blaster, but found only an empty holster, and he cast a wrathful gaze at the kid who was trying to kill him—

Hold on a second. He was in the archives. Nobody was going to try and kill him here. Immediately his posture relaxed, and his expression changed to that of relief.

"Don't do that," Gatz, the adult in this situation, admonished, "if the Chief Librarian was around, she'd have both of our heads."

He took a moment to examine the Padawan in front of him, and quickly realized that he knew exactly who she was. Of Valery's current Padawans, Gatz had only met Cora. But he spent a frankly ridiculous amount of time with Val, and she spent frankly a ridiculous amount of time praising all of her students. Even without having met Colette before, it was impossible not to recognize her.

Gatz sighed, and settled back down into his seat.

"I see Valery hasn't taught you manners yet," he grumbled, clearly grumpy at the way he'd been rudely awakened, "yeah, it's been a bit of a long day. A long couple of weeks, in fact."

 

[Colette]

Gatz Derrevar

Don't do what, or what was going to happen? He or the librarian was going to kill her? Given that they were on Coruscant he couldn't possibly know how tempting that offer was. But oh well. Valery had most certainly tried to force some manners onto Colette, but there were some edges that were more sharp than others.

Those edges were also plated in titanium.

And carved to have more edges.

"The chief librarian probably wouldn't have wanted you to drool all over their tablets to begin with." Colette offered as a retort. "Look, you are clearly out of sorts. Need to rest for a bit, but the library is not the place for it."

"Why are you running yourself so ragged?"

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Training Saber
Tag: Colette

"The chief librarian probably wouldn't have wanted you to drool all over their tablets to begin with."

"Fair."

It wasn't that the kid was wrong: he was out of sorts. But there was nothing else to be. Nothing else to do. He was lagging behind in every area of study, and he had no way of catching up other than this. If he had to forgo a few hours of sleep... well then he'd forgo a few hours of sleep. There wasn't another option available to him.

"I'm behind," Gatz admitted, voice hoarse, "and unlike you, I don't have a Master to turn to. You can go to Valery when you need help. She structures your lessons and training at a pace that's appropriate for you. I don't have someone to do those things for me, or to help me catch up. I have to figure things out for myself, or fail."

And failing seemed to be where he was headed. At this point, Gatz was beginning to accept that he would fall through the cracks once more. No one wanted a twenty-five year old Padawan, and he desperately needed a Master to help guide him, and teach him. He couldn't teach himself, but it seemed that was what that Order was expecting him to do.

So be it. He'd give it a few more weeks before he threw in the towel.

"Those of us without Masters... either we run ourselves ragged, or we'll never be Jedi. We don't have the luxury of having someone to catch us when we stumble, like Padawans like you do."

 

[Colette]

Gatz Derrevar

"I will be honest with you." Colette said. Anyone who truly knew her understood that this wasn't necessarily good. "You are putting way too much on the masters' shoulders."

"And why are you focusing on being behind?" The kid shrugged. "I am seventeen, maybe even eighteen years behind, and nobody really sees me as lesser for it. If anything I'd argue some are even jealous of it. I am going through the paces that they had gone through when the force was still new and mysterious. To some, that's more than twenty years ago."

"What about your friends?" Colette asked and raised an eyebrow. "They should be there to catch you, too."

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Blaster Pistol
Tag: Colette

"Incorrect." Gatz said simply, "it is the duty of a Master to facilitate and structure the training of their Padawan. That's the responsibility. You don't see it, because Valery has done it for you, because she's the definition of a good Master."

Gatz stood to begin organizing his datapads. If the kid was going to stop him from studying, then he may as well actually go and catch a few winks of sleep. But far be it from him to just take off without first putting back everything he'd pulled from the archives. Even he wasn't that audacious. So, slowly, the table went from unorganized to... slightly organized.

"It's not about being 'lesser.'" Gatz picked up a stack of datapads, "it's the simple fact that I'm struggling with my studies. I'm not learning, and the point of being here is to learn. I don't have someone to turn to for help, and so I have to find understanding myself."

Friends? Colette didn't understand... but how could he expect her to? Men like him didn't have friends. Men like him didn't deserve them. And the few that he had... well, Gatz could count them on one hand. Valery had done enough for him, and she was far too busy. He couldn't go to her. Briana had just tripled her number of Padawans, and while she was the person he felt most comfortable asking for help, Gatz knew all to well how full her plate was.

That left Cora and... he supposed he hadn't been brave enough to ask her for help.

"My friends are busy." Gatz said simply, "but... I'll admit, there is one person I can go to for help. Just haven't worked up the courage to ask."

 

[Colette]

Gatz Derrevar

"It's not. It's the Order's responsibility to have a plan ready for all members that cover what they need to know." Colette protested against his idea that Valery was the reason her education was going as well as it was. She was certainly a part of it, but that wasn't really the point here. At least not if Colette was connecting the right wires.

This wasn't really about him being unable to see his own progress, this was a pity party.

Still, she felt enough for him that she would hear him out. Colette frowned as he went on.

"If your friends are too busy to talk to you when you need help, then they aren't your friends." She said and leaned back in her seat. "What is stopping you from asking the one you think would genuinely help?"

"It sounds to me like that is the person you should talk to."

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Training Saber
Tag: Colette

"It is." Gatz shook his head, "if the Order's structure was enough, we wouldn't have Masters taking on Padawans in the first place. It isn't, so we do."

Gatz set himself to putting away his borrowed knowledge. He was exhausted, but unlike the child bickering with him, he had respect for the Chief Librarian's halls. Also, he didn't want to be lectured by an alien tentacle monster. So, really, it was worth his time to put everything back. Considering how much time he spent in the archives, getting on her bad side probably wasn't the best idea.

"I spent my first nine years here, kid. Then fifteen observing from the outside. The Order lays out a basic foundation for us. And for some, that's enough. But what about when a Padawan struggles, and needs extra attention? What about when they excel, and need greater challenges? That's when we turn to our Masters for guidance. That's what they're for. But not everyone has that option. And so some of us slip through the cracks."

Ugh. Teenagers. That wasn't what he'd signed up to deal with. Worse was that Colette was every bit the stubborn Jedi her Master was. And much like Valery, she saw only her point of view, and often refused to consider anyone else's. She was so certain she was right that she wouldn't even consider that someone else might be making a fair point.

Yeah, she was Valery's alright. But, for all his annoyance that she resembled her Master, that was also proof that she'd turn out to be a fine Jedi someday.

Then she insulted his friends. And Gatz learned something new about himself: insulting Valery Noble and Briana Sal-Soren twisted the fear in his heart into fury.

"My friend has five children, a bun in the oven, three Padawans to train, a war to run, and an Order to oversee." Gatz snapped, "the other just tripled her amount of Padawans, lost both of her parents in a terrorist attack, has to deal with said terrorists on her own, has to hold what remains of her family together, had to watch as her beloved mentor was forced into a sham of a trial, and has to take part in this meaningless war the Mandalorians started!"

Gatz stopped. He was yelling at a teenager. God dammit, he was turning into Klein.

"Forgive me, that wasn't fair of me." Gatz let out an aggravated sigh, "if you want to insult your own Master for being as busy as she is, by all means. But don't you ever insult Briana. Not in my presence. Few people would be as kind to me as she has been, after knowing—”

All the things I've done. But he wasn't going to say that to some Padawan he didn't know. So he forced himself back onto the point he was trying to make.

"They're both very busy people. I can't expect them to make the time I need. That doesn't mean they aren't my friends."

 

[Colette]

Gatz Derrevar

Colette didn't take kindly to being screamed at. Her jaw tensed, her hands curled into balls as she pushed onto her feet. The chair screeched with high pitched squeal before it fell over.

"FAIR?!" Colette snapped back. "INSULT. MY MASTER? MY OWN ADOPTED MOTHER?"

"Do you think you are the only one with issues in the Order? Valery adopted me, because my own family, the foundation of my whole existence, decided to throw me away like used trash. On top of that, I am slowly learning that the galaxy is a colder place than anything I had ever known. I am navigating through a torrent of anguish and despair at what the galaxy truly is beneath the surface."

Her shoulders rose up and down, air went in and out through her nose at a rapid pace as she shook her head.

"If Briana doesn't have time with something so small as talking to a friend in the middle of all the things you just mentioned, then when the hell would she ever have the time for you? What I'm hearing is you making excuses so that you don't have to contact them and just keep on assuming that she won't have that time."

The girl was fired up. Gatz had hit the exact wrong chord for her.

"And don't insult my mother by insinuating I don't know how busy she is."

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Training Saber
Tag: Colette

"'Learning that the galaxy is a colder place?'" Gatz sneered, "you have the privilege to learn that because you have Valery around to lean on."

Gatz turned to face Colette, his eyes cold. Did this child really think any of those problems were actually problems? She had the gall to think her sheltered life compared to his own?

"But I've lived it. I watched a Jedi murder a child when I was half your age. I watched my mother waste away from disease. My father was murdered just trying to make enough money to pay for her treatments. My Uncle was murdered by a slaver. I have been beaten half to death by Hutt thugs a dozen times. I have been stabbed and shot so many times that I have more scar tissue than normal skin. I had my innards ripped out by a jungle predator. I've been impaled on the horns of a charging beast, and I've been thrown into a lake with a rock tied around my ankle. I have seen piles of corpses, and have been the cause of more than just a few."

With each step Gatz grew closer, anger twisting his face into something of menace.

"You don't have problems. You have inconveniences. And Valery will fix them for you, because she coddles you. But you don't even realize that because you've been sheltered all your life. First by whomever your people are. And now by Valery. You are a petulant, privileged child. And you can't even see it."

 

[Colette]

Gatz Derrevar

Oh, he was a big man, the primo supreme of self-pity, the lord-mayor of Victimhood.

"Coddles me?" Colette scoffed. "Privileged child?"

"Big words for a sorry sack of chit who spends his evenings crying over shooting himself in the foot over and over again until someone comes along to put him out of his misery."

The kid disengaged and took a step back and shook her head.

"Instead of playing the victim, maybe you should try to focus on how fortunate you were to survive those events instead. Maybe instead of being angry at the world you should try to look at how you refuse to learn from it and move on."

She grabbed her books with a continuing shake of her head.

"Be a survivor. Talk to Briana. Call her. You need it."

Colette began to leave.

"And the next time I see you on the homestead, you better not be coming around to play the victim and feel sorry for yourself again. I can't possibly imagine Valery actually appreciates it."

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Training Saber
Tag: Colette

In spite of everything, Gatz let a small smile cross his face. The kid, as annoying as she was, had a point. Oh he was still irritated, but few people stuck to their guns after a criminal was in their face, ranting angrily. Maybe there was more steel to her than he'd given her credit for. Even more impressive was how she stepped back from the argument.

At her age, he probably would have thrown a punch.

"Not bad, kid." Gatz said at last, tucking away his final book, "I'm not going to pretend you're not irritating... but you stick to your guns. Even have a mindset I wish I could adopt. Valery might make a Jedi of you yet."

The kid turned to leave. Gatz should have just let her go with her parting words. Frankly, she didn't speak for Valery, so they didn't hold any weight to him. If he turned up on her homestead—which he wouldn't do uninvited—he'd do so in whatever manner he wished. The line about 'playing the victim' made venom burn in his blood, though.

But the kid couldn't have known how recently he'd lost his family. Couldn't know he was still in mourning. He'd let that one slide. This time.

"Hold up." His tone was firm, but softer this time around, "before you go: I shouldn't have trivialized what you went through. Having your people toss you out, that's shitty. I know a thing or two about being unwanted... and I should have empathized with you, instead of dismissing what you went through."

Gatz was an ass. He knew he was an ass. But he wasn't too proud to admit when he'd been an ass.

 

[Colette]

Gatz Derrevar

She stopped on the spot and turned around to look at Gatz for a moment longer. The frustration was evident but it softened just a little by the time she let in a deep breath to take in his words.

"Don't worry about it." She said and sighed, it wasn't worth holding onto this anger for long. "Just, please, call Briana and talk to her. I am sure she won't mind."

"And despite everything: take care. You really aren't as alone in the Order as you seem to feel."

And then, with that, she turned back around again to leave.

 

[Kassogtha Cthylla]

“Have you found what you’re looking for, Padawan Derrevar?”

The Chief Librarian was directly behind Gatz, having seemingly materialized out of thin air. The slow undulation of her tentacles was indicative of displeasure. She had heard the little screaming match between him and Colette —she doubted there was anyone in the library who hadn’t—and it had acted as a summons of her presence to the scene.

Gatz Derrevar

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Training Saber
Tag: Kassogtha Cthylla

And of course the Chief Librarian would appear, after the brat had left. She'd started the damn altercation, slapping books around on the table loud enough for anyone to hear it, kicking chairs over, and then left him holding the bag. Meanwhile, he'd actually been putting his shit away, and attempting to show the Chief Librarian's domain respect.

God dammit. The whole reason he was here so late was to not disturb anyone. He'd sure failed in that regard. Now, there was only one thing left to do.

"Master Cthylla," Gatz sighed, and turned to face her, hands tucked behind his back, "I accept all responsibility for the disturbance that just happened in your archives. I'll shoulder whatever punishment you see fit without complaint."

Fuckin' kid.

Maybe it was time to call it quits. The Archive was, literally, the only thing keeping him afloat in the Order. Without access to its knowledge, and with him now on the Chief Librarian's bad side, he had effectively sabotaged his own chance at ever becoming a Jedi. And all of this after so many people had sunk so much time into him.

So be it. He'd escaped punishment for most of his adult life. Hell, he ought to be in prison. Flunking out of the Order was a slap on the wrist.

 

[Kassogtha Cthylla]

Gatz may have tried to appear nonthreatening and penitent, but Kass could sense his anger. Her numerous eyes saw the tension in his body language. Whatever had happened between him and Colette, he was still upset.

Kass held up a tentacle as Gatz vowed to take full responsibility. “I will speak to Colette as well about this. Next time, please try to be more considerate.

“There is no punishment, so long as you do not continue to cause a disturbance.” With that, the Librarian slithered away.

Gatz Derrevar