Dark Matter

[Kaile Vera]

They were four words. Four words that went fanning over Kalie's lips, emphatically spoken in that rough tenor of his as if giving his last breath to her. At that moment, Kaile felt her heart squeeze at the words.

It wasn't the first time Asmus had mentioned love. He'd done it when he had managed to hunt down her cabin on the Subversion to confront her. Asking questions, needing answers; answers that Kaile couldn't bring herself to give. That she'd only been able to divert and avoid until they burned in flames.

He hadn't spoken about it since then. But it was always there. Kaile knew it. Asmus didn't have to say it for Kaile to know. Here and now, as her body shivered at the sweet release and comfort the Lorrdian found in his arms, there was no denying the way he looked at her. In the way his soft eyes searched hers, showing her all of his cards at once.

He loves me. It was etched in his expression, reflected in his eyes. Kaile's lower lip quivered, reading every subtle nuance over his sweat-slicked face. She took a quick intake of air through her nose and took in his breath. He loved her, and at that moment, Kaile knew a singular truth - she loved him as well.

She cared about Asmus because she had no other choice, and loved him just the same. Some things just are, no matter how difficult or impossible the circumstances.

For those next few seconds, Kaile watched Asmus with brows bent together as if being near him hurt her as much as it healed her. Emotion seemed to strangle Kaile like a noose, its hands wrapping tight around her throat as she trembled.

That’s when Kalie's eyes began to burn, eyes bubbling with tears. Her vision would blur, and an overwhelming tide of emotion seemed to erode the last remnants of that bearing she had tried so hard to maintain. With that, Kaile choked on a sob, surrendering to her tears. Her arms slide down from their perch along his shoulders, bringing them to her face in an attempt to let her palms absorb her cries. Stars, it hurt. Everything hurt - the pain in her chest, the hole in her heart, the love she felt for Asmus, and more than anything, the love he had for her.

Kaile had first understood years ago how love could hurt, how it could be the knife between your ribs. Yet it wasn't until that exact moment that the Lorrdian realized that love hurts more than anything because it is all anyone ever wants, yet it never comes easy.

So she cried. For Asmus. For herself. For Quin. For the futility she felt. For the heavy weight of guilt, she’d carried all this time and for wanting to be selfish. To not let him go. To have the freedom to love him in turn despite knowing that she had no right to have.

 

[Asmus Janes]

Asmus had never forgotten that moment on the galley of the Quintessence. He couldn't quite remember exactly how he had phrased the question, but it was close to the thoughts that had just passed through his own mind. That Kaile was really a loving, caring and affectionate person but that she slipped through this world without leaving much of a trace. She had sobbed and shuddered against his shoulder until slowly regaining her composure. But there was no one here to hide from. Just the luxury of the governor's private yacht and the silence of the void between spaces.

Mine would be enough, he thought to himself. If there weren't many people who saw her, who looked out for her then his love was deep enough that she would never feel bereft of another's affection.

Her expression was pained. A torrent of emotions and their battle played out on her face. He didn't try and peel back her hands when she covered her face. There was no need to expose her anguish any further; he felt it keenly enough already. Even if she couldn't bear to hear those words, he had to say them. She had to know by now what he felt and it was time to stop pretending it wasn't there.

One arm at a time he lowered himself back down until his weight was pressed against her. He slid his hands around her and kissed her just below the temple.

“Okay,” he sighed. Things were not ‘okay’. The world was crumbling around them. He was likely now barred from the world he had been born to. They were fugitives with the belongings of one cupboard and a ship they could neither dock nor sell. But they had each other, they had their training and their wits. And he still had her. Okay, he had said. Things were not, but he knew they were not. He was struggling to come to terms with that. She was struggling to come to terms with him. But they were here right now and he would hold on until the tears stopped.

Where they went tomorrow was a problem for tomorrow. He simply couldn't imagine what she was thinking of doing. Of running once again. This struggle was merely an echo of what might come to pass.

 

[Kaile Vera]

His heavyweight would comfort her, and amidst the muffled sobs, Kaile’s arms couldn’t help but draw away and snake upward to tug him closer. She buried her face along the crook of his neck, tears and sweat melding together along with her cheek. Damp tendrils of blonde hair stuck to her temples, her neck, and Asmus’s as well, wracked sobs, causing them both to shudder within the heat of Asmus’ embrace.

Okay. That singular would weigh heavy with a variety of meanings. Of words left unsaid. Yet things were not okay, and it hurt. It made Kaile feel vulnerable, guilty, and helpless. All of that would clash with the desire to be selfish, to cling to Asmus just a little while longer, to lose herself in his arms and just forget the rest of the ‘verse.

But they couldn’t do that. The responsibility weighed heavily on the pair. Or, more aptly, on Kaile. For years, she had convinced herself that she was doing the right and the best thing for Asmus by staying away. Now that he was here, she could feel his heartbeat next to her, hear his breath fan along the shell of her ear, hear him call her name -- it made it so much more difficult.

After a few minutes, Kaile's sobs began to wane until only a soft hiccup shook her shoulders. The combination of their desperate embrace and the emotional upheaval made her feel exhausted. Physically, emotionally, and everything else in between.

After a moment, Kaile took a deep, shuddering breath, her chest rising, and her resulting dejected sigh blew warm air along Asmus' collarbone. The Lorrdian had lost track of time, yet she knew they'd reach Omwat soon.

That mere thought had her fingers flexing unconsciously, curling in to tangle along the dark locks at the nape of his neck. Time. They didn't have much time.

 

[Asmus Janes]

Asmus pulled back just far enough to look upon her. He desperately wanted to reach up and rub the streaks from her cheeks with his thumb, but wasn’t balanced in a way that allowed him to. A sad smile crossed his lips. He didn’t know if letting go for a few minutes would have made her feel better or worse. Whichever way the pendulum would swing, he felt closer to her for the last few desperate minutes of clinging to her.

Everything they did reaffirmed that connection for him. Whether it was silly play and trying something different each morning in the beach house, or clinging tight when everything fell apart around them. The play pretend on the ballroom floor too. Pretending, but also lying to himself if he hadn’t let a little reality slip through the cracks.

He whispered her name before gently brushing his lips against hers. Nudging her, urging her to kiss him back. Yet before there was a chance the Solaris let a chime ring out through the ship. They were getting close to Omwat.

“Stay here, rest for a few minutes,” he sighed. “I’ll go change tack.”

 

[Kaile Vera]

Although Kaile gave a quiet nod, her fingers couldn't help the slight inward curl, as if her very body abhorred the idea. His coax of her lips drew a kiss from her, but it was coated in trepidation and an ache.

There Kaile lay, lids still shut with smeared tear trails along her cheek. Her limbs felt limp, exhausted, and worn. She just didn't want to move right now. It echoed another time when she felt just as listless and dejected. Empty. Weak.

From here, he would navigate them to Athos IV. Then to Suravi Seven. Kaile's ultimate goal was to get to Rishi, but Asmus didn't know that. That had always been the plan. To get back to Bobo and the Messa that she'd stored there, left behind by Kurt in case the agent ever needed it. To show that she still had a place to return to whenever she felt she had healed enough after Quinn --

Drawing a breath, Kaile slowly rose up onto a sitting position. Her bare knees pulled back against her chest, and trembling palms gave a rub of her face. Slowly, she opened her eyes. They felt puffy and were red-rimmed. It had been a long while since she’d allowed herself to cry like that. Kaile thought she was past all of it. Guess one never really is.

It wasn’t anything one could prevent.

 

[Asmus Janes]

Asmus ignored the warning chime, regardless of how insistent it was. It was more like a metal wind chime in the breeze than a typical warning klaxon. It suited the ship. Another nice little touch, but Asmus had already come to terms with giving the ship back to the Alliance after this last little joy ride.

Sitting on the bed beside her he finally reached up and brushed a streak of tears from her cheek. Asmus didn’t even use their endlessly flexible word. His smile alone told her it was okay to let go like that. Asmus didn’t want to leave her like this. It made him feel as if he was forcefully tearing off a piece of himself to go.

“I’ll be right back,” he promised. Asmus headed up the stairs to the next level. He paused just two steps up and looked back at her. Sometimes she felt uncomfortable under his gaze, especially when he bluntly told her how beautiful he found her. At other times he could see the thrill it send through her when he looked at her just so. Asmus wondered what was going through her mind now.

The chime sounded again and he took the stairs two at a time. Jay was charging silently, so Asmus turned and ducked into the cockpit. He polarised the screen against the bright swirls of hyperspace and tapped at one of the consoles, never quite sitting down. They snapped back into realspace, the planet not even visible against the stars from this distance. Asmus slapped the launch button. There was a low thud and the buoy streaked away. The local scanners would track their transponder to one of the moons in the system. The Solaris slowly came about, graceful lines reflecting a distorted view of the stars. A flash and she was gone again. And so was Asmus, the pilot’s chair slowly spinning away from the console.

Asmus took the stairs more carefully back to the master room.

 

[Kaile Vera]

He’d find Kaile still sitting on the bed, her right hand running through the short locks of dyed blonde hair. She appeared to be in deep thought, the light brown eyebrows drawn forward. Contemplating, deciding, working through everything in between in that exhausted manner of a woman well past her limits.

Too much was going through her mind, and focusing on one thing was difficult. Hearing the footsteps approach drew her attention away from her thoughts, her slightly puffy and ruddy face rising to catch Asmus pad back into the bedroom. Her throat gave a bob as she swallowed hard.

“How long?” came the half-croak. An attempt at filling the silence. Something they never really had to do before, but Kaile didn’t feel like herself right now.

 

[Asmus Janes]

Asmus didn't reply. He walked over to his side of the bed. His side: that had been settled over the last week. With his back to the headboard he slid over until his right shoulder was behind her left. If she wanted to, she could lean back against his chest and settle comfortably. He left that up to her and just left his arm gently resting behind her.

“Forty two minutes,” he finally said quietly. “Then another four hours on.” It was late for them now, but he was used to long shifts. Rogue Squadron had once waited in deep space for a pirate armada for seventy two hours with just brief naps. Even that life seemed worlds away. He had been a decorated officer back then. The famous Rogue Squadron.

People had been proud of him, but he had never asked for that. They had demanded he be brilliant. Kaile had simply told him he would be. Asmus had wanted her to know, to see him. He was glad that she had.

 

[Kaile Vera]

Forty-two minutes. Four hours and forty-two minutes. That was the countdown. Kaile’s shoulders rose with another deep breath, her back gravitating to rest against his chest. It was his law of gravity, turning her into revolution, making her a constant satellite of his blazing sun.

Kaile shut her eyes again, lids closing on the blue-tinted lenses she should have taken off a while ago. Soul weary, the Lorrdian surrendered to the silence. No, not silence. To the sound of the gentle rise and fall of Asmus's breath. To the lulling beat of his heart.

The longer they remained resting together, the easier it was for Kaile’s mind to pour out the muck contained there. For now, at least.

 

[Asmus Janes]

He held her close. Because it felt natural. Because it made the galaxy feel like a better place than it was. That brief interlude had been distinctly unwelcome. Yet it also felt as if he had taken a breath of cold fresh air. A little shock to the system that left him feeling more clear-headed.

There was so much he wanted to ask. He wanted to know what she had been feeling when they first met. What exactly had happened to drop her into that depth of despair. Why was it so hard now to accept what he felt for her? They had been through a lot already. Time on the Subversion, planning their mission, extracting the imperial defector and days spent at his beach house. Every time he thought there was progress it seemed she realised the same thing. And it terrified her.

“Come here,” he murmured, even though she was already close. His arms tightened around her and he kissed her just behind the ear.

 

[Kaile Vera]

He was thrumming with unspoken questions again. Fighting against asking but wondering just the same. You could feel it by they tiny twitch of his fingers, by the way, his jaw widened when he was deep in thought. It was an internal battle that the often energetic pilot uncharacteristically kept to himself. Maybe it was because of how Kaile had broken down again. Or perhaps he didn’t want to cause her any more anxiety. But those sea of questions bubbled like a hot cauldron at the cusp of boiling over. And they were running out of time.

Asmus drew Kaile into a tighter embrace, squeezing her close so the bars of his arms pressed tight along the tops of her chest. Her blonde hair was a tickly mess, fanning to and fro with every close inhalation and exhalation of breath the pilot took.

Meanwhile, Kaile remained silent. She couldn’t trust herself to speak, and there were things she couldn’t say either because of her position or because she’d convinced herself for years that it was for the best.

But she could take advantage of this. Skin to skin. Breath to breath. Heartbeat to resonating heartbeat. Each one was a part of a language that communicated the core of affection Kaile couldn’t hide.

 

[Asmus Janes]

Asmus released her with one arm just long enough to run his fingers through her hair. Everything had come crashing down, but now finally there was a modicum of calm. An understanding that even if not everything between them was clear, this they both knew. Both wanted and craved the affection of the other.

He had been spoiled over the last week, had become accustomed to seeing her with an easy smile on her face. He thought back on her joyous expression, full of warmth and covered in berry juice and it made his heart glow. At least the imperials had allowed them that before starting their regime change.

It was a good few minutes before he dared to speak. “Where are we headed at Suarbi?” he asked softly. He wanted to ask now, as he had every intention of catching some sleep after Athos.

 

[Kaile Vera]

Tension would thrum along Kaile’s back like the pluck of a guitar string. Kaile's lids rose, and she stared at the top of her knees, the bedsheet ruffling over them. There was a slight twitch in her right leg.

“There are contacts there.” she began. It wasn’t a lie. But it also wasn’t the whole truth. “People that will be able to help in blending in.” the Lorrdian said quietly and carefully. There was no ‘we’ or ‘us’ or ‘you’.

“Ess Eye Ess had contacts with the Outer Rim Territory. It would be the best place for any Alliance refugee to start.” common knowledge as it was easy to hide in the Kathol Outback.

 

[Asmus Janes]

“What's wrong?” he asked before he could think better of it. He didn't need to be a Lorrdian, he just needed to be attuned to Kaile's body language. Asmus didn't even consciously know what it was that prompted the question.

“Is there something about Suarbi that worries you?” it was the Outer Rim, where civilisation had its own definition of the word. Or, he thought to himself, was it something about the SIS contacts there that concerned here.

He sighed against her neck and placed a gentle kiss there. Anything to try and help ease the tension he could feel within his arms.

 

[Kaile Vera]

How did he do that? Kaile was startled he could read her so. It reminded her that she had to be cautious about her body language and how she said things, or Asmus would pick up on it. Anxiety led to the woman biting her lower lip, nibbling hard on the fleshy mound as her mind wracked itself on how to respond.

“Just have to consider everythin’.” the drawl was back, revealing that she was slightly on edge. For an agent who could easily slip and out of various roles and blend in, Asmus unnerved her. It was hard to maintain her bearing -- maybe because Kaile unconsciously didn’t want to be playing a role or pretend to be someone else, maybe because Asmus had met her in a time where she had been vulnerable and the Lorrdian exposed far more of her true self than she would have for anyone else.

“Where to go from there? “ She swallowed hard, pulling forward just a little bit away from his chest as she sat. “I reckon it could be as good of a place to drop off. Contacts that can get you plugged back in.“

 

[Asmus Janes]

“Plugged back in? I thought flashfire meant go to ground? That we were mostly on our own now. Anyway…” his hand brushed over her soft breasts to rest against her waist. She had pulled away but he leaned forwards to surround her.

“...I trust you. Just tell me what to do. They didn't catch us last time. They won't catch us this time.”

He buried his head in her hair and drew in her scent. The fear hadn't left him, despite his bold statement. The world had truly been turned upside down. The Alliance, SIS and his family were now mostly off limits.

What would he even do long term? Surely an alliance Fleet would regroup somewhere. Perhaps a resistance movement with a handful of X-Wings would start striking back. Asmus had never been quite so uncertain about what was on the horizon.

 

[Kaile Vera]

There it was again. Now Kaile was restless again. The Lorrdian didn’t want to make it evident what she was planning, that she intended to connect him with other Alliance-friendly safe houses that could utilize him for what he was best to do. They would get him a variety of aliases, credits, and a job if possible. Going underground did mean cutting off from the main SIS network, but that didn’t mean that there were ways to smuggle Asmus into a position where he’d at least feel useful, where he’d be safe.

Needing to stand, Kaile attempted to draw away from Asmus’ embrace. His telling her that he trusted her struck a nerve.

“Please stop tellin’ me that,” she told him, needing to slip away.

 

[Asmus Janes]

“Why?” he asked. He had told her twice now, but perhaps it was too much. She had not asked him to, like he had when the shuttle had been crashing.

“Sorry,” he added, half a second later. There wasn't much to do on the ship right now, but given the situation there was probably some planning they could find to do. Even then it felt a little as if she was deliberately pulling away from him. He didn't like it. It made him feel slightly hollow when everything was already so confusing.

He knew they weren't on a firm footing for how they stood, but suddenly it seemed as if it was becoming even more rocky. It was the last thing he needed right now, even if he knew full well it was a selfish thing to feel. Asmus sat where he was and suddenly he was the one curling his knees towards his chest and wrapping his arms around them.

 

[Kaile Vera]

Standing up, Kaile gave a slight half-turn to glance back. There Asmus sat, looking as if he were a kathhound pup that had been kicked. It made her feel worse. Guilt rose, and it was a bitter pill to swallow.

Biting her lip, Kaile ran her fingers through her hair again. She shook her head, moving it from right to left.

“I’m sorry. Just forget about it,'' she told him,” I’ll take care of things.” for right now, she needed some space—a think. Eyes caught sight of the referesher.

“I’m takin’ a shower. You should rest. I can handle the change in coordinates and piloting to Suravi after Athos.”

 

[Asmus Janes]

“Okay,” he looked up and met her eyes. I know this isn't easy on either of us. Every time he used that word he managed to day far more with tone, expression and body language. Asmus wasn't always patient. He could suffer jealousy and be as selfish as any. Often he wanted to fix problems as they came up. When Kairon had forced him to do studying he'd rarely picked it up until there was a threat of being confined on ship in a port. Time had tempered his weaknesses, but he would always be the man who had grown from that boy.

As she stepped away he slowly uncurled on the bed and pulled the sheet up. Reaching into the drawers underneath he found a cloth to throw over a still damp patch of sheet before shuffling over it.

Sitting here lost in his own thoughts took him back to the Quintessence. Not the nicest parts of that trip, but the parts when her behaviour had left him full of concern. Concern that had developed into far more.

“I really do love you,” he whispered below her hearing as she vanished into the sonic.