Episode 6: The Old Razzle Dazzle

Route 5
New route, new Pokémon.
First patch of grass I hit up gives me a Pidgey. Weak. Second up is a Bellsprout. Also weak. I’ve already got two of those guys and they’re some boss-ass motherfudgers. Just as I think that there’s nothing for me on this route, I come across a Meowth.
His smirk, his sass, it reminds me of an old friend and I want him to join the team. En Garde takes it right down to the wire, leaving him with a but a sliver of health left, but this Meowth holds on because he wants to be on this team, he wants to be on MY team.

I caught Meowth!
I call him Razz, cus he’ll give ‘em the ole’ razzle dazzle.
At the bottom of the route I spot a lone building. I enter and get told that it’s a Pokémon daycare centre. Apparently this shifty old bloke raises your Pokémon, not for free of course but hey, it’s a living and I can dig it. I also happen to know a certain old fish sitting in my PC that’s not getting the levels it desires.
I toss my Magikarp to the dude and leave him there to get levelled up. Is it fair? Is it just? Will I start a riot if I indulge? Well, I mean, Chris said it was okay, so we’re going with it now. Blame that guy.
Now time for some legitimate grind, gonna take Razz out into the grass and train my new kitty companion up. Get those teeth sharpened. We’re going to hunt down some birds and leave their carcasses out as gifts.
Razz grew to Level 13!
Caw McGraw grew to Level 20!
You all ready? Are you ready for this grind? Because I don’t think you’re ready for this grind or this jelly, my Meowth is bootilicious, baby. Actually, I don’t know if that’s a true statement, I very much avoid looking at cat arse. I’m not getting into a staring contest with a fleshy starfish.
Razz grew to Level 14!
Razz grew to Level 15!
Macho Man grew to Level 20!
I’ve killed enough Pidgeys and Spearows that I could have made a feather boa out of the bodies. Or I don’t know, started selling quills? Quills by Louise? Would you buy it?
Razz grew to Level 16!
Razz grew to Level 17!
Razz grew to Level 18!
Razz learned Pay Day!

Razz grew to Level 19!
What an acquisition to the squad! When I said give ‘em the old razzle dazzle I didn’t realise that he’d be slapping down Spearows and Rattatas with solid gold coins and then picking them up off the ground after! We’re making bank now! AND! AND! If he wasn’t just a team player for that alone, this dude, this little dude he’s been picking stuff up off the ground. Found a gosh darned golden nugget!
Razz found 1x Nugget!

Razz grew to Level 20!
Try to head south but the guard is thirsty. That’s nice to know? Apparently the road is closed too, which is actually useful to know. What’s with all these stubborn trees and closed roads? It’s like the world doesn’t want me to progress.

Thankfully there’s an underground path right next door to the closed road. Oddly convenient.
Underground Path
There’s a little girl inside that’s really disappointed that she got the wrong gender of Nidoran. What a witch. I’d love for ANY Nidoran to be in my squad. Boy or girl. I’d take those little nuggets and raise them into town-levelling monsters of awesome. I want to headbutt her but I refrain because she’s like six years old and my skirt is too short for prison.
I storm through the path, it’s just a long dark corridor. That’s about the gist of it. Like, seriously, there’s nothing else going on. I emerge on the other side, and there’s another woman waiting, chatting about how people lose things on the Underground Path. What, like your virginity? I z-snap and leave.
Route 6
I can already see a Bug Catcher. God, I hate them, I hate them so much. Time for Caw McGraw to get a tasty snack. This boy, Keigo, doesn’t know what he’s in store for. Especially since he’s throwing out Weedles and Caterpies. Scrub.
Won 192 Pokémon Dollars!
A couple of lovebirds are just down the road, they’re just on the road making out. Yo, nobody likes public displays of affection, especially when those smacking lips sound like octopi being thrown at a glass wall.

Camper Ricky has a Squirtle. I destroy it, naturally. Don’t worry, bud, you can use him to make some bomb-ass turtle soup now.
Caw McGraw grew to Level 21!
Won 400 Pokémon Dollars!
Picnicker (STILL don’t know what that is) Nancy is up next and has one more Pokémon than her boyfriend, so we know she’s got at least one more braincell. First is a Rattata, Macho Man delivers a single swift kick to its bucktoothed face. Pikachu follows and Ganglor comes out to pla-aaaay. To be blunt, Ganglor wrecks that electric mouse.
Won 320 Pokémon Dollars!
Time for a trainer break, let’s venture into the grass and see what we can catch.
There’s a Meowth, but it’s vastly inferior to Razz and I put it out of its misery. Next comes a Bellsprout and again it’s an inferior creature. No place in this world for it. Another Bellsprout comes next and I learn that there’s no worthy creatures in Route 6.
Whatever, I’ve got my squad.
Bug Catcher Elijah comes out swinging. Dude’s got a jacked Butterfree and thus he becomes the first insect lover that actually managed to get my attention. Well, until Caw McGraw destroyed him despite being paralysed.

Won 240 Pokémon Dollars!
I can spot a Picnicker (WHAT DOES IT MEAN?) and a Camper hiding in the grass waiting to ambush me, but I’m going to reverse the hell out of their ambush. Counter-ambush bro, do you even war? I creep into the grass on my belly and sneak up behind them. I am the predator, they are the prey.
I grip the Bowie knife at my side, ready to yank the girl’s head back and slit her pretty little throat but then I swiftly remember that I’m a Pokémon trainer and it’s only cool for me to murder her pets and not the girl herself.

So instead I opt to battle Isabelle instead.
She throws Pidgeys at me and Razz and manages to get a stiff crit on him, but we’re a team and Caw McGraw is there to back Razz up in a tight situation, because in my squad, cats and birds work together.
Won 320 Pokémon Dollars!
Camper Jeff is her friend and he comes packing a Spearow and a Raticate. The large rodent looks fierce but Macho Man makes a living kicking rats in the teeth. Too easy.
Won 320 Pokémon Dollars!
Vermilion City
Here we are, new city. Probably not classified as a city, but still, it’s big in comparison to where we’ve been before.
It’s a harbour city, I wonder if there’s a red light district here, I mean those are the rules, you can’t spell harbour without harlot. Still, my Pokémon are my priority and I hit up the Pokémon Centre first. A girl next to the counter hands me a VS Seeker, something that would let me battle trainers more than once. I don’t think they really want a rematch with me, can they take the heartbreak of losing two rounds of Pokémon?
Received 1x VS Seeker!
I go to the house next door and this dude called the Fishing Guru goes wild and starts telling me that he forking loves fishing. Like, next level love. Like I don’t even want to touch his pole. He asks me if I love to fish and hey, I saw it’s alright, I caught a rainbow trout once. We called him Homer and we ate him, it was great. Dude loves this and gives me my own fishing rod.
Received 1x Old Rod!
It’s a kinda crappy rod, if I’m being honest. It’ll make decent kindling in a jam at least.
Next up I visit the Pokémon Fan Club, hoping that I’ll be able to unleash devastation upon these nerds but they’re not down to battle, they just like to sit around and cuddle or whatever. Although there’s a Seel there and I want it.
I love Seel, he’s a motherfudging boss.

I hit up the Chairman of the cuddle club and realise that I have made a serious mistake. He starts rambling about how many Pokémon he’s raising and then goes off tangent just rambling about his Rapidash, pretty swiftly it leaves the Pokémon admiration zone and gets weird. I mean, it’s a giant flame horse and he’s sleeping with it?
What?
Turns out it’s worth sitting through his fetish talk however, because the dude gives me a GOSH DARNED BIKE VOUCHER! AW YISS!
Received 1x Bike Voucher!
Forget Vermilion City, I’m going back to Cerulean to redeem this! I want my bike, yo! I want my million Pokémon dollar bike!

Razz found 1x Aspear Berry!
Cerulean City
I absolutely smash through the door of the bicycle shop, my skin sheen with sweat after sprinting all the way back. Free stuff? Hell yeah, free stuff! I make sure all the poor patrons of the shop who are simply window shopping because they can’t afford anything are watching. They’re about to watch me get a bike. The bike they want. Yeah. The bike they dream of.
Received 1x Bicycle!
Smirking at them, they watch gobsmacked as I straight-up sashay out of the store with my new ‘purchase’. I don’t know if they’re just jealous or that they don’t know how I possibly put an entire bicycle in my pocket.
Who cares about breaking the world’s physics. I’ve got a shiny new bicycle.

Route 5
Heading back down to Vermilion City I hop down by the daycare centre and check out how my Magikarp is getting on. Dude’s gained ten levels while I’ve been adventuring. Nice! I paid the dude and take P-Collins back, although he immediately goes back into the PC. It’s not time yet.
Route 6
Razz grew to Level 21!
That’s all that happened here. Didn’t really need to document it.
Vermilion City
Next house I go to has a little girl in it, wanting to trade a Spearow for her Farfetch’d. What is Farfetch’d deal anyway? It’s a duck that uses a leek as a weapon. Like, he’s just walking around holding a great ingredient that would compliment his ass in a soup.
Heading for the gym I’m frustrated to find that the only entrance is blocked by a stout tree. I try to kick the tree down but all I succeed in doing is possibly breaking my toes. Maybe I should have asked Macho Man to try but instead I limp away, my pride wounded.
There’s a house with people sending mail with their bird Pokémon. It’s not at all interesting, I don’t know why I’ve told you. I shrug at them and bail.
Next up is the docks. I’ve heard that the S.S. Anne is here, and guess who has a ticket? Well, you don’t have to guess, it happened earlier on. Come on, dude. Time to board this luxury vessel.