Many moons ago, one inappropriately aged girl got her first Pokémon and set out to conquer the Elite Four. Her adventure was progressing nicely but all of a sudden it stopped. We thought she was dead...
...until now.
It's been 84 years...
OF GOSH DARNED GRINDING!
Ganglor grew from Level 31 to Level 35!
Rotundo grew from Level 30 to Level 35
Rotundo learned Body Slam!
SUSAN grew from Level 30 to Level 36!
Lemmy grew from Level 30 to Level 35!
En Garde grew from Level 30 to Level 35!
THIS WAS REALLY FUN.
Macho Man grew from Level 30 to Level 35!
Macho Man learned Cross Chop!
Haddock grew to Level 36!
Scoops grew from Level 32 to Level 35!
Taught Sasha HM02 - Fly!
Now after approximately an eternity of making sure the playing field is level, I’m actually ready to continue the adventure. If you’ve not forgotten who I am already, we’re going to go to Saffron. KICK SOME BUTT, TAKE SOME BADGES.
From Celadon City I head to the path with the thirsty guard. Thankfully I’ve been carrying this Tea for about five years now, which the guard immediately notices. Strange. I’ve no qualms with giving him the Tea, however, as it’s cold and only savages drink cold tea.
After chugging it (gross), he lets me through and onto…
Dude, no.
Saffron City
There are Team Rocket goons absolutely everywhere here. Blocking entrances to half the buildings, it’s honestly quite frustrating and I’ve got the sneaking suspicion that I’m going to have to personally clear them out of here. Ten out of ten, would predict again.
I check out the houses that aren’t blocked. First one I hit up, I get a goodie! Wunderbar!
Received 1x TM29 - Psychic!
There’s a house with a bunch of trainers who talk about being cool. Oh dear. I think I’m just going to bail out of this one. No wonder the Rockets weren’t interested in this particular house. You're not cool if you have to say it, mang.
There’s two Pokémon gyms here, one being blocked off and the other not. I guess I know where I’m heading first.
Black Belt Hitoshi is up and I’ve got Sasha primed and ready for this occasion. She one hits all of his Pokémon with Fly.
Won 744 Pokémon Dollars!
Black Belt Hideki doesn’t give me a moment to think and comes storming up to me. It’s more of the same really. Fly Fly Fly.
Sasha grew to Level 36!
Won 768 Pokémon Dollars!
Black Belt Aaron suddenly comes in with a complete change of pace in regards to naming scheme of trainers but Sasha is just ridiculously strong. I have some mad competition in place for my number one bird.
Won 864 Pokémon Dollars!
Black Belt Mike tells me to take my shoes off, but no, shan’t.
Sasha grew to Level 37!
Won 744 Pokémon Dollars!
I’m apprehensive to fight the final one, he’s probably going to ruin my day. We just have to believe in Sasha. WE HAVE TO BELIEVE!
BRING IT ON, BLACK BELT KOICHI!
He starts with Hitmonlee and I’m going to go with the tried-and-tested method of hitting everything with Fly. Shockingly, it actually one-hit kills him. Wow Sasha. You fierce. Hitmonchan is second and I’m very rather nervous for this one, I have a feeling he knows Thunder Punch. Hitmonchan takes two hits to go down, which is terrifying as he punches Sasha right in the poor beak.
No worries, a second Fly takes him out.
Yeah, I was totally not worried. I'm fine. I'm fine.
Won 888 Pokémon Dollars!
After beating him, he lets me take one of two Pokéballs sitting there behind him. Time for eenie meenie minie mo.
I wanted Hitmonchan but fate gives me Hitmonlee. I’ll roll with it. I would have called him The Leg Man but I no longer have Wheelz, so my reference would be pointless. So I christened him Leg Day, because he never skips it.
I received a Hitmonlee!
He sure looks JOLLY.
I too am very limber. I've totally never strained myself while stretching.
Oy, Leg Day! Always vif da kicks!
I’ve been grinding for a year and a half, so I’m going to save working on Hitmonlee for later.
Now it’s on to the elephant in the room, or rather, in the city. The massive building in the center. It’s the Silph Co. Office Building apparently, they make ghost scopes, and that’s about it (as far as I know). Gossip in the Pokémon Center tips me off to the fact that Team Rocket has taken it over. With the caliber of guards on the roads, this isn’t a surprise.
Real high caliber.
Time to save the day.
Silph Co. Office Building
It’s pretty ominous in here, as one could gather by the music. Which is a question that has yet to be answer in my life yet really. Does music follow you guys around too? I mean it’s neat and all and gives me an overall impression of what to expect from a place but I don’t see a single sound system anywhere. My life may be a lie. Also there’s nobody at the receptionist’s desk, which is rude. I expect a proper greeting after all. Don’t they know who I am?
Evidently not.
I go upstairs, ready to be the hero that the world needs and sure enough…
TEAM ROCKET GRUNT WOULD LIKE TO BATTLE!
Expect to read this a lot.
Budley grew to Level 36!
A flurry of Zubats. Shazaam the Electrode is going to get buff as all heck here.
Won 800 Pokémon Dollars!
Another Grunt, another victory. Is Team Rocket like a cult that has you surrender your name to join? Maybe it was a good thing I didn’t get to join them all the way back on the Nugget Bridge. You win some, you lose some. Speaking of, I win the battle.
Won 928 Pokémon Dollars!
Scientist Jerry is up next and he is in extreme breach of health and safety regulations. You can’t just carry around dubious-looking vials of purple liquid without gloves, goggles or in a public area. That’s just asking for a lawsuit. Silly billy.
Unsafe. Sad.
I claim 1344 Pokémon Dollars in compensation!
To my dismay there are strange squares on the floor that are actually teleporters. I don’t like puzzles. I like brute force. Was this really necessary? Also, did Silph Co. always have them here? Or did Team Rocket have them added when they took over? It all seems so excessive. Besides, I’m going to take the stairs like a normal person and systematically destroy everybody I see in this place.
You can't tell, but I'm teleporting right now.
A new floor, a new grunt, another victory.
Won 896 Pokémon Dollars!
Most places on these floors are blocked off and I need a Card Key to progress. Which is mildly frustrating. Still, I imagine the way to get the Card Key is to destroy every Scientist and Rocket Grunt in existence. So that is what we’ll do.
ANOTHER GRUNT. GIVE ME YOUR MONEY.
Won 896 Pokémon Dollars!
Oh hey! Free stuff on the table!
Found TM41 - Torment!
Fight time! Shazam leads the line in case of Zubats but I just seem to be encountering everything but.
Shazam grew to Level 36!
Won 928 Pokémon Dollars!
I keep climbing up, suddenly wishing I had taken the random teleporting squares. Stairs are awful. I hateses them, Precious. Alas, I’ve made a commitment to this. Even a year and a half hiatus cannot stop me. NOTHING CAN STOP ME, NOT EVEN TIME.
Oh dang, Level 33 enemy Hypno. This Grunt is packing heat…
...but doesn’t know how to use it. He raises his attack and poisons Shazam but never actually does anything. Awkward.
Won 1056 Pokémon Dollars!
My next opponent is...Juggler Dalton? What? A Juggler? I….well, okay. Fine. Reginald’s Tri-Attack is a monsterous destroyer of worlds.
Won 1160 Pokémon Dollars!
Here comes Scientist Beau with that disregard for health and safety!
P-Collins grew to Level 37!
Won 1248 Pokémon Dollars!
Another Grunt comes packing with a buff Arbok but I’ve got this, it’s fine. Of course I’ve got this.
Won 928 Pokémon Dollars!
Oh hey, I found the Card Key!
I’m still not going through the doors yet. I have to conquer this place in my decided systematic manner, otherwise I’ll die inside. Completely. Utterly. I’m already halfway there, just give me this, okay, please.
NEW GRUNT, WHO ‘DIS?
Reginald grew to Level 36!
Won 928 Pokémon Dollars!
I come across a room full of hostages. They’re understandable pretty scared and I know the perfect remedy for fear. I begin to sing them the Pokémon rap. The whole thing, from start to finish, I particularly give it full welly when it gets to my favourite verse (which is obviously CHARMELEON, WAR-TORT-LE). It doesn’t help, oddly enough. I am offended.
APPRECIATE MY SICK RAP.
Scientist Taylor comes into the fold.
I play a dangerous game.
Won 1200 Pokémon Dollars!
ONWARDS WE GO. MORE GRUNTS TO DIE. FACE THE WRATH OF THE HYPER FANG!
SUSAN grew to Level 37!
Won 896 Pokémon Dollars!
Gosh, how many floors does this place have? I’m actually going to burn this place down when I leave. I’ve had enough! I AM CHALLENGED BY ONE OF THE FOUR ROCKET BROTHERS! I’m sure this will definitely mean something.
Won 928 Pokémon Dollars!
Or maybe not!
Onward we go! More Grunts!
Shazam grew to Level 37!
Won 832 Pokémon Dollars!
Bring on Scientist Joshua! Electrodes give me the fear in case they Self-destruct, I don’t need that in my life. Fortunately it hasn’t happened here.
Won 1392 Pokémon Dollars!
Found 1x Calcium!
ANOTHER FLIPPING FLOOR! I almost swore here and then remembered where I am.
MORE FIGHTING. SCARY ARBOK. ME WIN.
Vesta grew to Level 36!
Won 832 Pokémon Dollars!
Found 1x Iron!
ANOTHER ROCKET BROTHER? YES SOMETHING WILL COME OUT OF THIS SIDE PLOT.
BUT WHAT IS AT THE END OF THIS QUEST?
SUSAN grew to Level 38!
Won 896 Pokémon Dollars!
Nothing has come out of it. SO FAR. TWO MYSTERIOUS BROTHERS DOWN. TWO TO GO!
Scientist Parker accuses me of causing them problems, which I consider rude. As they’ve been causing me a lot more problems. Mostly because I can’t advance until I defeat the gym in this city without destroying their operation.
Won 1392 Pokémon Dollars!
The climb continues.
Scientist Ed presents his head to me on a platter and I destroy his Pokémon and carry onwards with my own life. Get stuffed, you gibbon.
Won 1344 Pokémon Dollars!
ANOTHER ROCKET BROTHER. WE’RE GETTING CLOSER. IS THERE ANY PAYOFF?
Won 896 Pokémon Dollars!
Still nothing. No clue. No hint. No anything. Will the fourth brother give me the answers I so seek? I go to the next floor looking for more.
I get Scientist Travis instead. Whatevs.
Vesta grew to Level 37!
Won 1392 Pokémon Dollars!
‘Notha Grunt. ‘Notha win.
Won 1056 Pokémon Dollars!
I come across a room full of loot. It’s my lucky day! I mean, I know it’s technically stealing but I’m taking it now as a kind of hero’s ransom if you get me. It’s important that us heroes get recognised you know?
I reach the top floor but I appear to be on the wrong side of a wall. This is a strange design flaw in this building. Why can you not reach the head office this way? Who made this place? Why? How dare they! I'M SO CONFUSED. I'M GOING HOME, MOM.
Why tho'?
There’s a (surprise) Grunt here and well, whatever, let’s do this.
SUSAN grew to Level 39!
Budley grew to Level 37!
Won 800 Pokémon Dollars!
Found 1x Zinc!
Well then, best go back down the blasted stairs and go through all the blocked off rooms with the magical power of the CARD KEY! Woooooo.
I find a hostage. She is no use to me and as I have learned before, they do not appreciate my sick rhymes. Philistines.
On a different floor I find a woman standing next to the….office beds? She lets me rest, which is neat, I guess and well, she’s not a quivering wreck of a woman, so my by estimations I can dig it. ONWARDS. I LUST FOR BLOOD.
GRUNT TIME.
Reginald grew to Level 27!
Won 896 Pokémon Dollars!
Found TM08 - Bulk Up!
NEW FIGHT TIME. I CAN’T REALLY PUT MANY VARIATIONS ON THIS SCENARIO.
Won 928 Pokémon Dollars!
You're welcome, by the way.
I find more hostages. No use to me. They don’t even reward me for helping them. Kinda rude, really. ACKNOWLEDGE MY HEROISM. Nevermind that, because on the next floor down I find a loot room! Score!
Found 1x HP Up!
Found 1x X Special!
MORE SWAG.
Found 1x Full Heal!
Found 1x Max Revive!
Found 1x Escape Rope
Scientist Rodney sends out a singular bulky Electrode and now I fear an explosive death. I emotionally brace, thinking about past losses…
...but it’s all okay, SUSAN is a beast.
Won 1584 Pokémon Dollars!
Found 1x Hyper Potion.
Scientist Jose is next on the chopping block. Gosh, this is a fair old gauntlet, isn’t it?
Won 1392 Pokémon Dollars!
Scientist Connor BLATANTLY lies to me and claims he’s a Silph worker before immediately attacking me. Really waited for the right time to backstab me, dude. Great work.
That's a bit of a conflict, no?
P-Collins grew to Level 38!
Won 1248 Pokémon Dollars!
WAIT, DUDE. A USEFUL HOSTAGE. She offers to teach one of my Pokémon Thunder Wave, which is a guaranteed hit of paralysis. So I say heck yeah to that, muchacho. Finally, somebody useful! AT LAST. RECOGNISING ME AS A HERO TO ALL.
SUSAN learned Thunder Wave!
Yeah, SUSAN the Raticate learned it. What’s it to you?
OH SNAP. IT’S CHAZ. IS HE THE FOURTH ROCKET BROTHER? Has he been waiting for me this whole time? This whole year and a half? In fact, none of the universe has seemed to have progressed. What is this hellscape that I exist upon? Am I real? Is any of this real? I start to question my reality but then Chaz swaggers up to me and I suddenly forget everything.
WHAT KEPT YOUR FACE, YOU PURPLE TROUSER WEARING NONCE?
TIME TO DIE.
It starts off with SUSAN against his Pigeot, this is gonna be a tough one. I roll out Shazam and take down his feathered fiend. Good start, good start.
Gyrados is next but like, why release it out into my electric-type? What? Why? Let’s just take it out before I’ve spoken too soon. It’s a bit iffy and I take more damage than anticipated but I manage.
Shazam grew to Level 38!
Now things change up, he brings out Exeggcute, perfect for Vesta the Ninetales. Baby, how do you like your eggs? Personally I love omelettes. Ham and cheese, please. Easy work...but now…
...it’s Alakazam.
I trust in Reginald. Three heads are better than two spoons after all and OH, WELL, ONE TRI ATTACK TAKES OUT ALAKAZAM IN ONE. OKAY THEN. REGINALD FOR LIFE. ALL HAIL THE BIRD LORD.
His last is Charizard, and I have the almighty lord of prog, P-Collins. Time to extinguish Chaz once again. I’M THE HERO, NOT YOU. It actually gets pretty hairy here, Flamethrower does a surprising amount of damage and we almost lose our beloved comrade, but Surf thankfully does even more.
The battle of the mouth breathers.
Won 1440 Pokémon Dollars!
Chaz peaces out as if nothing had happened but I know that he’s crying inside. I go forth and this dude offers me a GOSH DARNED LAPRAS FOR BEING A HERO, NOW THIS IS WHAT I EXPECTED. HECK YEAH! FORGET YOU, THUNDER WAVE LADY!
I received a Lapras!
I name him Nessy, as is appropriate for who I am and where I’m from and he gets sent straight to the PC. Now, we venture onwards. Victory is close. They will build a statue in my honour.
Are sea monsters known for being careful?
That's legitimately dope, I'm investing in this.
If you're familiar with these games, we will be getting rid of Perish Song ASAP.
A Grunt is between me and eternal adoration from the city of Saffron.
SUSAN grew to Level 40!
Reginald grew to Level 38!
Reginald learned Uproar!
Won 1024 Pokémon Dollars!
Now it is time. I stride into the office full of purpose and somehow my head manages to fit through the door, and there, waiting for me is Giovanni. Ha! I’m not scared of you! HA I SAID, HA!
Let’s do this.
Can't deny he looks slick tho'.
First up, SUSAN vs. Nidorino. I’m not too worried about this one and I was right to be. Hyper Fang is the way forward.
Nidoqueen is next and I’ve got the composer of the Tarzan soundtrack waiting in the wings for this…
...oh crud. A Surf makes a small dent but a Body Slam takes P-Collins low, and now I’m scared. Oh no. I don’t like this. Help. Send an adult. Trying to stay calm, I send out Budley. It was the right decision. Body Slams don’t phase my tanky leaf boy.
Kangaskhan is next and Vespa does the job, causing some sick Burns and mad Confusions before finishing it off.
Ryhorn is last and I’m going to keep my faith in Budley and my faith is repaid as a single Vine Whip decimates the rocky beast.
Won 4100 Pokémon Dollars!
I AM THE VICTOR! You can’t see it but I’m flexing right now, it’s so hot. In the wake of his defeat all of Team Rocket suddenly disappear like that. Man, that was easy. If only dictatorships
were toppled so easily.
No. You're in a horrible nightmare when an eleven-year old constantly foils your plans.
Confronting the President of Silph Co. he thanks me, which well, is the obvious course of action here. He states that because he is rich, he can give me anything. I briefly consider marrying him so I can kill him and inherit his fortune, but I have a job to do first. I have a goal. I can come back to him later...when he’s even older. Still, I do get my reward and it is a DOPE reward. A Master Ball, the world is at my very fingertips!
Received 1x Master Ball!
I’d celebrate more, but I’m really sick of this place. CATCH YA’LL LATER, LOSERS. I GOT A GYM TO DEFEAT.
...hold on...did I even find the fourth Rocket Brother...
GOD DAM-
