Cerulean City
I arrive at my latest destination. Not quite a city but this could definitely be called a village. First stop is the Pokémon Centre to get healed up and see what freaks lurk here. Everybody is chatting about some guy called BILL, as if he was a kind of God, but I’m the only deity here.
There’s a bike shop but a standard bicycle costs 1,000,000 Pokémon Dollars. Is it made of solid gold? Would they trade it for a kidney (not mind, of course). I bugger off, knowing that I can't afford a shiny new bike (could always steal it later).


Breaking news: Cerulean City bike shop closes due to poor business practices!

I hit up the mart, to stock up on supplies.
Bought 4x Super Potions!
There’s an old man in a house that wants to trade a Poliwhirl for a Jynx. Ice-type Pokémon are awesome, but nobody wants a Jynx. Nobody.
I go into some geezer’s back yard and start digging through the earth, I feel like there’s something good here, and I was right.
Found 1x Rare Candy!
A police officer stands outside of one of the houses. Apparently the people outside have been robbed (it wasn’t me, ACTUALLY) and he won’t let me in. Pretty understandable. Still hyping myself up for the gym, I head north towards Nugget Bridge.
Who comes storming down the bridge?
Chaz.
That son of a…
He challenges me to a duel and I’m more than ready to kick his arse six ways from Sunday.

This bridge isn't big enough for the both of us.

His Pidgeotto is one tough customer, every Pokémon that I have is weak to flying-type. Sassafras would have been vital here but we pull through by the skin of our teeth and with the help of potions.
Charmander goes down easier but one stray critical hit would have ended Macho Man’s life. But that didn’t happen. Thankfully.
Abra is a respite. All it knows it teleport and it gives me time to breathe and heal up my squad as needed. A necessary breather in a tight battle but I know that in the future that his Abra will become a real problem. Not right now however.
His Rattata is a piece of piss and Mankey kicks it to the curb and with that, I win this round, just like all the others.

Don't tell me what to do! You're not my real mom!

Won 288 Pokémon dollars!
Chaz has apparently also subscribed to our lord and saviour Bill, ranting about his PC and possibly other things I missed because I started to tune him out. He also called me a gossip and gave me some darn fangled technology that I’ll never use.
Received 1x Fame Checker!
Route 24
I step onto the bridge and I am informed that if I defeat five trainers in a row that I’ll win a ‘fabulous prize’. Bring it on. I need to get back into the game. Back into the zone.
Bug Catcher Cale is first. Great, more bugs.
Macho Man grew to Level 19!
Won 120 Pokémon Dollars!
Lass Ali lines up as the second challenger. Fine, let’s do this. Another scandalously short skirt, she puts the ‘ass’ in ‘Lass’ which might be weird because I think she’s like twelve.
Won 192 Pokémon Dollars!
Number three is Youngster Timmy and I won’t dare make fun of his name, in fear that it might be too stale of a joke.
Budley grew to Level 19!
Won 224 Pokémon Dollars!
Number four is Lass Reli. Is that even a name? What is Reli even short for? Did her parents call her Relish and she has to hide it with this nickname? Possibly. I won’t dig into her life, I’ll just kill her Pokémon.
En Garde grew to Level 19!
I won’t lie, this one got clutch. It was pure recklessness on my part but this time it paid off. I shouldn’t do this any more. It’s too dangerous.

TOO CLOSE! RED! RED! RED!

Won 256 Pokémon Dollars!
Number five is Camper Ethan. He looks like a budget boy scout with none of the badges. I hope he pledges to losing because that’s what’s going to happen.
Won 360 Pokémon Dollars!
A dude at the top of the bridge gives me my Nugget for beating all five trainers. So, at least it’s as advertised, well, until he starts talking about Team Rocket, those weakass goons that I encountered in Mt. Moon. No, as much as I flirt with the darker side of morality, I carve my own path in this world. I won’t play second fiddle to any second-rate criminal outfit.
Received 1x Nugget!
Upset that I won’t join, the Team Rocket Grunt decides to use brute force to persuade me. We do battle, and I win.

That's the second worst sales pitch I've heard all day!

Won 480 Pokémon Dollars!
Found 1x TM45 - Attract!
I roam the area for a bit, finding another training lurking in the grass. Camper Shane had watched me beat the Nugget Bridge from afar and was bedazzled, and decided he would battle me. Fool.
En Garde grew to Level 20!
En Garde learned Twineedle!
Won 280 Pokémon Dollars!
I go forth into the grass, to find who will be my new potential companion, and out comes a Bellsprout. He’s one goofy looking customer, but I’ll take any Pokémon as long as they’ve got the fight, and the drive.
I caught Bellsprout!
Upon capture I name him Ganglor, because he’s one gangly son-of-a-gun and I like it. He’s got moxy. He’s got jazz. He’s got roots for feet.

He might not look hardy, but Ganglor's got roots that don't quit.

Chlorophyll! Plant biology! So thrilling!

Whip it, whip it good.

Now it’s time to train him up for the trials ahead. Are you ready for the grind? Or a lot of golden lines of text in a row?
Ganglor grew to Level 13!
Ganglor grew to Level 14!
Ganglor grew to Level 15!
Ganglor learned Sleep Powder!
Ganglor grew to Level 16!

Here's a picture to get you through the grind.

Ganglor grew to Level 17!
Ganglor learned Poisonpowder!
Happy with my progress, I march on, ready to take on the slew of trainers that stand before me on the next route. I’m determined to get to BILL’s house to see what the big deal is. It’s probably nothing but it’s always better to check.
My first foe is Hiker Franklin, who sends out a Machop and a Geodude to face me. I’m hesitant, knowing that Machops can deliver devastating critical hits but En Garde shrugs off an any all fighting-type moves.
Won 540 Pokémon Dollars!
Route 25
It’s a new route and a new patch of grass. I know that Abras lurk this area but I’d more than lucky to catch one. They’re slippery little dudes but a sound investment. I dive straight in.
Not an Abra, but a Pidgey! I can’t help but fist bump at the sight of this glorious feathered creation. A flying type was something that I desperately required and was one of my main weaknesses. The crew is really taking shape now.
I caught a Pidgey!
Caw McGraw is his name and gusting fools is his game. He’s a cool dignified customer, he likes craft lager but he doesn’t talk about it all the time and just personally enjoys it. Everybody wants to be friends with Caw McGraw.

Chill as pluck.

Nobody's blinding us, bro.

I don't have a caption.

Time to train this sumbitch up. Get him pumped, get him buff. Does Caw McGraw lift? You bet he does, bro!
Caw McGraw grew to Level 14!
Caw McGraw grew to Level 15!
This is gonna go on for a few more lines, by-the-by, you might wanna go grab a drink or something. Grab a Crystal Pepsi or an Orbitz (these were also references, ask an American about it).
Caw McGraw grew to Level 16!
Caw McGraw grew to Level 17!
Caw McGraw grew to Level 18!

Are there people in Kanto that don't believe in evolution?

Pure majesty.

Caw McGraw evolved into Pidgeotto!
Oh yeah, my boy! It always makes the grind worth it when you see the fruits of your labour come to life. The dark days of Sassafras’ death seem far behind me now, the future is tinged with hope and victory. Time to go back to the trainers littering Route 25.
Hiker Wayne steps up to the plate but he’s no match for me. Easy experience for me though. Thanks, mate.
Ganglor grew to Level 18!
Won 612 Pokémon Dollars!
Youngster Joey comes out next, swinging hard with his Rattata and Spearow but I shrug it off. No worries here.
Won 240 Pokémon Dollars!
Youngster Dan is next, boasting about how his dad took him on a boat, I’ll take him on a boat, THE...PAIN BOAT. That sounded better in my head. Way better.
His Slowpoke gets Vine Whipped into oblivion. Ganglor doesn’t care about Slowpoke’s bulk.
Won 274 Pokémon Dollars!
Picnicker Kelsey is next up. What IS a picnicker? I’m not even sure but apparently her boyfriend is awesome.
Ganglor grew to Level 19!
Won 300 Pokémon Dollars!
Hiker Nob comes next. It’s weird, they called the previous Nugget Bridge a gauntlet but I mean, there’s way more trainers facing me here, isn’t this more of a gauntlet?

It's a minefield of completely stationary people.

Won 468 Pokémon Dollars!
Camper Flint boasts about his girlfriend but she’s gonna straight up dump him after she witnesses this decimation.
Ganglor grew to Level 20!
Caw McGraw grew to Level 19!
Won 280 Pokémon Dollars!
Camper Flint has been dumped!
Youngster Chad practically runs into me demanding battle. Rude. I can’t stomach rudeness, unless it’s my own. But I’m not like these peasants. I’m the chosen one.
Won 224 Pokémon Dollars!
Last but not least, Lass Haley. She comes at me with an Oddish, but yo, I’ve got Caw McGraw, he eats deformed radishes like you for breakfast.
Won 208 Pokémon Dollars!
Finally, I get to BILL’s house. There’s a Clefairy running about, and I feel a strange urge to punt it across the room. Then it speaks to me, in English, which is all-in-all a rather peculiar occurrence. Turns out that BILL is into mad scientist and has combined himself with a Pokémon and oh, ho ho, he wants MY help.
So, he’s not a God. Men of science often spit in the face of Gods. Looks like it didn’t work out too well for him, huh?
Still, I’ll help him out. Not out of the goodness of my own heart, or for...karma (snort), but because people give you free stuff if you give them a hand and hey, free stuff is free stuff, yo.

I could stand here and say no all day, but then there'd be no progression.

So what’s his token of thanks? Some potions? Pokéballs? Maybe a rare candy? No, a ticket to the S.S. Anne, a boat ticket. I’m on the road to be a Pokémon Master and God, I don’t have time for cruises, man but hey, apparently there’s lots of trainers to defeat.
Every cloud.
Received 1x S.S Anne Ticket!
I bail from BILL’s house and approach this couple staring into the water apparently this cape is a famous date spot and I shouldn’t be here because I’m alone. Wow, girl. Rude. Flipping them the bird, I run away from them. I don’t need anybody else! I’VE GOT THE SQUAD!
Cerulean City
Back to business, and that business is gym badges.
I strut like a wild peacock into the gym, which is apparently a swimming pool. Water-types? I’ve got two grass-type Pokémon with me, this is gonna be a breeze. This is why you take Bulbasaur. My adventure won’t end here.
Swimmer Luis comes up first. He has a Horsea, it died. He had a Shellder, it died.
Budley grew to Level 20!
Won 64 Pokémon Dollars!
Picnicker Diana tries her luck with her Goldeen, sure that’s a buff fish but I’ve got Budley and he’s my dude. He’s my vine whippin’, ass kickin’ green machine.
Won 380 Pokémon Dollars!
Now it’s time, time for Misty. She ends a lot of journeys but it won’t be mine. I know it!

Battling in a two-piece, way to out-hussy me.

First up is Staryu and it goes down in a single hit, her Pokémon have the jump on me in terms of speed but I have the hard type advantage.
Budley grew to Level 21!
Starmie thinks he has his weaknesses covered by knowing Swift, but it doesn’t work. I can comfortably Leech Seed him (in case of getting caught in a heal-loop) and smack him with two Vine Whips and that’s it. It’s over. Bye Felicia.

YOU KNOW IT! *CHEST THUMPS*

Earned the Cascade Badge!
Won 2100 Pokémon Dollars!
Received 1x TM03 - Water Pulse!

Look at me now, ma!

I’m one step closer to my goal now. My victory here is sweet enough and I have no cause to poop in Misty’s pool and so I strut out of the gym to the beat in my head (it’s the BeeGees, by-the-by). Now it’s time to move on to the next city, but first, some shopping.
Purchased 10x Pokéballs!
Purchased 5x Super Potions!
Purchased 3x Awakenings!
After doing my shopping I notice that the Police Officer that was previously in front of the burgled house had moved aside, allowing me to check out the crime scene. So with a complete lack of tact, I storm in and snoop around.
It was Team Rocket’s dirty work and apparently all they stole was the Technical Machine for Dig. That’s it? This dude is torn up about it but his wife is over in the corner making dig puns. What a dysfunctional family.
I head out the back door, or rather the forcibly made hole and who is standing there in the back? A Team Rocket Grunt. What a world! It comes down to a battle, because, of course it does. I wipe him out, En Garde is not scared of neither fighting-types or psychic-types.
Won 544 Pokémon Dollars!
Received 1x TM28 - Dig!
The now-failed burglar gives back the technical machine that he stole, and well, hey, I’m not going to give it back either. It’s mine now, that dude can get over his loss and invest in proper home security. Get a guard Growlithe or something.

Dude, you just got robbed, jokes won't bring your stuff back.