Route 3
Before me stands a sea of Pokémon trainers. Good. Brock wasn’t enough of a challenge, he barely whet my appetite for battle.
Lass Janice is first up on the gauntlet. She has a couple of Pidgeys that blast my Pokémon’s eyes with sand, trying to blind them first before pecking their eyes out but her tactic fails and she falls to my might.
Budley grew to Level 15!
Budley learned Poison Powder!
Won 144 Pokémon Dollars!
Bug Catcher Colton is next up on the chopping block. Two Caterpies and a Weedle? I thought I had escaped the monotony of Viridian Forest but apparently not. It gives En Garde and Macho Man a chance to let out their aggression.
Macho Man grew to Level 12!
Won 120 Pokémon Dollars!
After the insect freak, a boy in a backwards cap accosts me, declaring that ‘I like shorts! They’re delightfully comfy and easy to wear!’ It’s not a traditional battle cry but it’s what Youngest Ben says before engaging in the sweet Pokéwar.
Shorts are fine, boy, if you live in the right climate. Where i’m from the wind will blow straight through your legs. Of course, then I remember that I’m wearing a tiny skirt and so I bite my tongue. His Rattata is easy to demolish but his Ekans is slightly more formidable. No worries, En Garde is more than capable of destroying every poison-type that stands in our way.
Ain't nothin' but a bee thang.
Won 176 Pokémon Dollars!
Bug Catcher Greg comes at me, throwing more weak Pokémon at my feet. They are nothing like En Garde, they are the low hanging fruit of the bug Pokémon world. My Beedrill is the Queen. She rules over them with iron twin-needles.
Macho Man grew to Level 13!
En Garde grew to Level 11!
Won 108 Pokémon Dollars!

Down one of the ledges this kid called Youngster Calvin admonishes me for not wearing shorts. I’m starting to think that this is some kind of cult. What is with this place and lower half apparel? My tiny skirt? Chaz’s purple trousers? The Short Cult of Route 3? What’s happening? What is the chaos?
This kid had a fierce Spearow and despite the level disadvantage Macho Man tore that overgrown chicken apart. No problems. No fear in the face of the Short People Cult.
Won 224 Pokémon Dollars!
Lass Sally squares up to me next. When will the real challenge come? Her Rattata and female Nidoran are decimated by En Garde and Macho Man.
Won 160 Pokémon Dollars!
Another Bug Catcher, the bane of my existence. This one is called James and he falls just as easily as the rest.
Macho Man grew to Level 14!
Won 132 Pokémon Dollars!
Hiding within a patch of grass I get attacked by Lass Robin, who in fact accuses ME of touching HER! Unbelievable given that she was the one blindly roaming about. She throws her Jigglypuff at me and Macho Man just kicks the creature square in the face.
Won 224 Pokémon Dollars!
Time for a new member of the squad and I dive face first into long grass, hoping for another fierce, fighting acquisition. It’s a Spearow! He swaggers up to me, beak as sharp as his fury! I like it! Fearful that Macho Man will wipe it out in one hit I switch to En Garde.
Safety first!

Who promptly destroys the Spearow with a Fury Attack. My team of Pokémon have higher standards than me for my fighting team. They did not accept the Rattata and they have not accepted the Spearow.

Ooooor not.

We continue the adventure.
I dive into the grass again, so I can do battle with a few more wild Pokémon. En Garde is stabbing wild creatures left and right with her stingers. My squad might thirst for blood more than I do, I’m glad I can control them.
En Garde grew to Level 12!
Route 4
There’s nothing here but a few ledges, a Pokémon Centre and an entrance for a cave. Or at least that’s what I initially thought. Upon entering the Centre and getting healed up I chat to the various people milling around inside.
There’s a shady dude standing in the corner that calls me sweetie pie and I immediately creeped out. How old am I? I don’t think this is right or legal. His proposition however turns to Pokémon, and he offers to sell me, in his words ‘a secret Pokémon’ for 500 Pokémon Dollars, unfortunately he also tells me that it’s a Magikarp.
Now, Magikarp aren’t useful, at first, but I know the demon that lurks beneath. It’s effort and it’s slow release but end result can only benefit me. I buy the flailing fish and name him P-Collins, after a man that fills me with conflict. I can feel him, coming in the air tonight.
I received a Magikarp!


He's serious, much like Phil.
I don't know if Phil Collins is faster in the rain. Probably.

Would I like Genesis if they were called Splash?

I immediately store the fish in my PC, his time is not now and will come later. With my business done here I strut out of the centre, talk to this moronic girl that seriously needs to get a pair of glasses and go forth into the cave.
Seriously. Geodude has eyes and arms, should have gone to Specsavers.
Mt. Moon
Found TM19 - Bullet Seed!
Mt. Moon is quiet when I first step into her. I managed to walk for quite a bit before I am attacked by a wild Pokémon. It’s a Zubat! And it was the first creature that chose to attack me, and thus has earned my respect.


I shoot stern glances towards the rest of my squad and I hope that they don’t pulverise yet another wild Pokémon. This time they listen to my desires and the team is bolstered by a new member!
I caught a Zubat!
It takes a while to come up with a nickname for her. Several names come and go but nothing seems to fit. Eventually from the depths of my mind I pull out the name Sassafras, or Sassy for short because she’s for sure the sassiest bat in Mt. Moon.
She's beauty and she's grace.
She's Miss United States.

She's chomping on your face.

Time for a training montage. I equip my serious face and ready to get Sassafras up to the same level as the rest of the squad. It’ll take work, but I knew this before I set off on this adventure. Play your inspirational song, get pumped, get hype.
Sassafras grew to Level 9!
Macho Man grew to Level 15!
Sassafras grew to Level 10!
SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE, SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE! I'M OUTTA MY HEAD, CAN'T TAKE IT! This is today's montage song, thanks, Rainbow.
Sassafras grew to Level 11!
Sassafras learned Supersonic!
Sassafras grew to Level 12!

En Garde grew to Level 13!
Obligatory squad update.

Montage over, it’s time to get through this cave and take on the trainers and idiots that have gotten lost within. All just stepping stones in my path to power. I hope they’ll look back and remember one day that they helped me ascend to godhood.
I immediately see a Bug Catcher and stomp over to his stupid straw-hat wearing ass. I’m sick of these bug catching bampots. His name was Kent and he is no more.
Won 132 Pokémon Dollars!
Found 1x Parlyz Heal!
The cave isn't big enough for the two of us.

Lass Iris is up next in what is the duel of the short skirts. Her Clefairy is tough and before she managed to sing my En Garde to sleep, I got the poison in. Slowly the life drained from that little pink puff’s face, my Beedrill ultimately sleeping through her demise, much like I slept through this battle.
En Garde grew to Level 14!
Won 224 Pokémon Dollars!
I found 1x Potion!
Next up is Super Nerd Jovan and I think, sure, it’s no problem. My mind is switched off when we engage in battle, he sends out his Magnemite and I send out my Zubat. I didn’t think, I thought that stupid metal ball only knew Sonic Boom.
I made a mistake. He knew Thundershock.
Sassafras died!


Sassafras went down in one hit, her pained shriek echoing in my mind even to this day. Was it hubris? Should I have been paying attention? I don’t have time to mourn and I send Budley out to avenge his fallen comrade.
Budley grew to Level 16!
Won 264 Pokémon Dollars!


I can't celebrate this.

Sassy, I'm sorry.
Budley evolved into Ivysaur!
From death comes new life and Budley evolves from a simple Bulbasaur into a fierce Ivysaur. He scowls, still fresh from the decimation of Sassafras’ killer. I look to her killer, wishing to slice his Achilles tendons and leave him here for the bats to devour. However, I say nothing and carry Sassy’s body out of the cave.
Our journey was short, but it was sweet. I’m sorry that you never go to live up to your potential. I should have swapped you out, Sassafras.
Fly away, my dear, to the sweet cave in the sky.

The rest of the journey through Mt. Moon is quiet and solemn. I’m not even riled up by the appearance of another Bug Catcher. Robby. In silence I dispatch his insects.
Won 120 Pokémon Dollars!
Victory feels hollow.
En Garde grew to Level 15!
En Garde learned Focus Energy!
Found 1x Rare Candy!
Found 1x Potion!
I get confronted by a member of Team Rocket, but I’m not in the mood for shenanigans. It’s a dark day and this is a dark place.
Won 352 Pokémon Dollars!
Found 1x Star Piece!
Lass Miriam comes next. I don’t say a word to her and like my Pokémon speak for me. En Garde takes down her grass-type Pokémon with ease. We radiate sorrow and rage, do my Pokémon blame me for Sassy’s death?
En Garde grew to Level 16!
Won 176 Pokémon Dollars!
Another Team Rocket member. I leave Macho Man to dismantle the criminal, who is preoccupied with some mission within these caves.
Macho Man grew to Level 16!
Macho Man learned Fury Swipes!
Won 352 Pokémon Dollars!
Found TM46 - Thief!
Youngster Josh now comes at me with a couple of Rattatas. Macho Man karate chops through them with little effort but then he sends out a Zubat. The wound is still fresh. I feel guilty. Mankey tears the boy’s Zubat to shreds. It’s a bloodbath.
Won 160 Pokémon Dollars!
Hiker Marcos is the next challenger. I just want to get out of here. I need to properly mourn.
Won 360 Pokémon Dollars!
Found 1x Moon Stone!
Found 1x Revive!
Another Team Rocket here. I don’t know if I’m interrupting their operation or if they’re interrupting my tragedy. They all die just the same.
Budley grew to Level 17!
Won 416 Pokémon Dollars!
These Grunts are neverending. Low Kicks and Karate Chops are flying. Pokémon are falling. Sassy won’t be alone in the afterlife.

You can't blacklist me if you're dead.
Macho Man grew to Level 18!
Won 416 Pokémon Dollars!
Found 1x Moon Stone!
There’s a guy up ahead, standing in front of two rocks and I already know that he’s going to give me hassle. I’m not in the mood for it.
Turns out they were fossils and he thought that I was going to steal them. I don’t care about your fossils, you waste of oxygen, I’m just trying to get through this cave. Nonetheless things heat up, and it turns into a battle. You want this Super Nerd Miguel? I’ll give you this.
A Grimer, a Koffing and a Voltorb. They all perish.
En Garde grew to Level 17!
Won 288 Pokémon Dollars!
After the battle the Super Nerd relents and offers to let me have one of the fossils. I didn’t want one, but I’ll take anything if it’s free. Might be able to get some cash for it. It takes my mind of Sassafras for a few moment. I take one of the fossils at random.
Found 1x Helix Fossil!
Found 1x Antidote!
Route 4

Light. Fresh air. Clears the head.

Finally I emerge from Mt. Moon.
The daylight initially blinds me as I leave Sassafras’ resting place. I need to get over this. Sassy wouldn’t have wanted me to mope. Sassy would have wanted me to sass. Sass wild Pokémon, sass trainers, sass gym leaders. Sass everybody.
That’s what I plan to do.
I encounter two martial artists, arguing over whether Mega Punch or Mega Kick is the better technique. They offer to teach their respective techniques to one of my Pokémon. I opt for Mega Punch, choosing reliability over raw power.
Macho Man learned Mega Punch!
Found 1x TM05 - Roar!
Budley grew to Level 18!
En Garde grew to Level 18!