Route 2
Desperate to leave the so-called city, I stormed north, and onto the next Route, wondering what this backwards Pokéworld will offer me.


Next member of the team?

Apparently it’s a Rattata, he has promising look about him. A sharp gleam to his fangs that I haven’t seen before in the countless fodder that have fallen to me during my training.
Unfortunately the Macho Man must have felt threatened because he absolutely decimated the rodent with a single critical swipe.


Well then.

Awkward. Maybe I should have listened to that old man.
Macho Man grew to Level 8!
Welp, now that we're still a two man squad, back to the training. It’s a flurry of fists and low kicks in the tall grass!
Macho Man grew to Level 9!
Route 22
I decide that instead of venturing into the forest, I should check out the rest of Route 22 and see where that leads…
...and I was glad that I did.
Still a bit miffed from my lost chance at a Rattata I was looking to take my frustrations out on something a little more substantial. Or rather, someone. So who comes swaggering up in my face talking smack about the Pokémon League. I don’t care what he has to say, I’m just ready for the fight. No OAK to hold us back.

By the way, did you get better trousers?
Budley absolutely smashes his Pidgey, expecting his Sand Attack I seed him at the start of the bout and end that type disadvantage fight with almost full health. Learn some strategy, Chaz and get some new trousers, Jesus!
Budley grew to Level 10!

Budley learned Vine Whip!
Charmander falls with almost as much ease. Not wanting to put Grass up against Fire I throw Macho Man and his aggression at his inferior flame lizard and true to form the Macho Man hits him with a wild critical hit. Too easy. GG.


Try hard, or die hard.

Won 114 Pokémon Dollars!
Chaz tells me I lucked out and to stop dawdling around and flees, his pride wounded and his Pokémon devastated. I smirk to myself.
Time to hit up the deep, dark woods.
Viridian Forest
It’s dark here, the light of perpetual day being suffocated by the trees. I like it. I devour bad omens like good omelettes.
Some backwards cap-wearing kid tells me his buddies are out there in the forest itching for a fight, a fight I know that I’ll be taking to them with little mercy. Bugs don’t wig me out, not in this realm. I find the nearest patch of grass and dive in, hoping to be greeted by a challenger, or perhaps a potential companion.


Look at those little feet nubbins tho'.

Strength is drawn to strength, and this particularly high-levelled Weedle is the first to come to me and I appreciate that kind of moxy. This time I opt for Budley to do the softening, due to his less aggressive nature and immunity to being poisoned. It’s a simple process. Bish, bash, bosh.
I caught a Weedle!
I hear a whispering in my head to name her Lady Godiva but I fight the urge, and I name my latest squad member En Garde.

Editing these images is awful.

Nothing wants to centre.

Well, nothing or everything.

En Garde grew to Level 6!
She’s not the most dynamic member of the team, nor is she the strongest. En Garde fights a slow war of attrition. She poisons her foes and wittles them down, withstanding everything they can throw in her way. There’s a few close encounters that only leaves her as the victor due to the poison, but she’s still the victor and the poison is just a part of her game.
En Garde grew to Level 7!
En Garde evolved into Kakuna!


And so soon!


No nub legs!

Now it’s time to make it through this forest and take down every single Pokémon trainer in this place. I’m not afraid of poxy bug catchers.
Found 1x Pokéball!
Found 1x Potion!
Budley grew to Level 11!
The first trainer approaches, unknowingly stepping into his own oblivion. Bug Catcher Rick, oh sweet, innocent Bug Catcher Rick. You are but the first stepping stone on my way to the very top. First you, then the Elite 4.


Rest in pieces.

He is dispatched with ease, as expected.
Won 72 Pokémon Dollars!
Bug Catcher Doug is next. It’s a massacre, as per expected. He doesn’t go out with a bang but rather a whimper.
Budley grew to Level 12!
En Garde grew to Level 8!
Won 84 Pokémon Dollars!
I wonder if I’m actually winning these Pokémon Dollars as a part of some battle code, or if I’m actually mugging these trainers through intimidation. Oh well, it’s a quandry I don’t wish to ponder, I need those dolla dolla bills, ya’ll.
Found 1x Antidote!
Bug Catcher Anthony is next. Line up, line up one and all! Be one of the first to be crushed under the great Louise’s boot! I’ll give you a mention in my autobiography.
Won 96 Pokémon Dollars!
Macho Man grew to Level 10!
Bug Catcher Charlie is the next. These scrubs only throw weak Caterpies and Weedles my way, with the occasional Metapod and Kakuna? They won’t go far in this world. Or perhaps even leave this forest alive.
En Garde grew to Level 9!
Won 84 Pokémon Dollars!
Found 1x Potion!
Bug Catcher Sammy is last, he stands between me and the exit and I must admit I’m getting hungry for something other than victory. The training has been fruitful but now it’s time to move on. He is the most formidable opponent so far, having actually trained his Weedle somewhat before throwing it out into battle, unlike the others. However, it makes no difference, the end result is still the same.
Budley grew to Level 13!
Won 108 Pokémon Dollars!
Route 2
I emerge blinking into the sunlight that bathes Route 2. Even I have to admit that your sense of time becomes distorted when thrown into the darkness of Viridian Forest. Still, before I venture onto Pewter City I have one last thing to achieve.
My precious Kakuna, En Garde is close to her final evolution, I know it. So once more I march into the long grass, weary from the horde of insects I have already disposed of. She goes, Poison Sting first into the Pidgey that emerges, and it is enough.
En Garde grew to Level 10!


Bug-type best type.
Or most satisfying type.

En Garde evolved into Beedrill!
En Garde learned Fury Attack!
Pewter City
Again, loose definition for a city.
This time there are two houses! They offer me generic advice, things I already know about this world but maybe feeling like they’re helping me is the only thing keeping them from going mad. There’s a kid with a male Nidoran who can’t get him to listen. What a chump. Why would you trade Pokémon without owning a single gym badge?
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly and that he can tame traded Pokémon without any badges.
That was a reference too.

No scrubs.

The four people that live here however are lucky enough to have a museum, I pay 50 bucks for a ticket, because surely the economy of this town must be in the gutter. I can’t imagine the tourist industry is bustling in Kanto, given the lack of cars and amount of wild Pokémon in inescapable tall grass.
They’re holding a space exhibition which consists of four moon stones and a small model space shuttle. I’m starting to feel like this is a rip-off.


At least there are wicked fossils.

I storm out, ripped off and annoyed enough to make a beeline straight for the town’s Pokémon gym. It’s time to unleash my fury and get my first badge. I’m not at all worried about this, I’ve heard that the gym leader, Brock is a total pushover.
First I’ve got to demolish his lackey before his very eyes. Assert my dominance, maybe after that I’ll pee somewhere in the gym while maintaining eye contact.
Budley destroys Camper Liam’s Geodude with a single Vine Whip. This might easier than I anticipated, which I didn’t think was fully possible. His Sandshrew manages to take two before also being downed. A walk in the park for me.
Budley grew to Level 14!
Won 220 Pokémon Dollars!


Sticks and stones won't break my bones 'cus I've got type advantage.

Brock boasts about his rock-type Pokémon as if he has a chance. I hope that his inevitable defeat is so crushing that he will retire after our battle.
He sends out his Geodude first and Macho Man is just itching to get in on the action. He’s a ball of critical hits and testosterone. He’s a couple of levels lower than the big lump, but that doesn’t dissuade my fierce Mankey. It takes three Low Kicks to end him, and despite his desperate attempt to Defense Curl, it offers no protection from Macho Man’s flailing limbs.
Macho Man grew to Level 11!
Macho Man learned Karate Chop!
Now Brock sends out his Onix, in which I respond by sending out Budley. Giant rock snakes are of no concern to noble grass-type Pokémon. Vine Whip destroys him in a single hit. Brock is devastated and I am victorious, just as expected. Not only do I win the Boulder Badge, but I also make bank.

You had no chance, bro.

Earned the Boulder Badge!
Won 1400 Pokémon Dollars!
Received TM39 - Rock Tomb!
I go to leave Pewter City and get accosted by one of Professor OAK’s aides, yeah, the guys that were just dossing about in the laboratory. This one decides that he will be moderately useful and gifts me a pair of running shoes. Apparently the shoes I had on prior were only capable of walking.
His offering is useful, so I refrain from striking him down, although once he had scampered from the scene I discovered that they were actually from my mother. Still, I can use these.


Bling bling, ching ching.