Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

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Private To Reintegrate Oneself


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"Hold up, brother."

A voice called out to Connel as he walked down the hall, as the Jedi who had gathered outside of the council chamber to support Cerys Dyn dispersed.

Rix jogged a few strides to catch up with the Shadow, then eased his pace back to a walk. "Knight Rix Braji," he introduced before offering his hand for a firm, friendly shake.

"Do you have some time to sate my curiosity?" he asked. "I'd like to know more about your take on redemption—what you've learned, what you've come to yourself."

Though Efret had spoken often during her visitations to him in prison about redemption, something he had slowly come to want desperately, he still found the concept amorphous, and thus understanding elusive. The one thing Rix knew for certain was that redemption was a process rather than a single accomplishment to be completed. He might be committed to the idea now, and he was, but the first challenge would be to sustain that interest.

The only way to do that was making one decision aligned with the man he wanted to be followed by another, on and on for as long as it took to cement real spiritual change.

One of those first choices would be interviewing his fellow Jedi about anything and everything, not just redemption. That might help him directly to blaze his path, of course, but it would also benefit him generally. Once he started working with Master Farr years ago, her unique level of tolerance, even for a Jedi Master, quickly began to rub off on a younger Rix. But then the Lightsworn's teachings turned him against it and against her.

He wanted to get back to baseline now that he was deprogrammed. Asking questions and really listening to their answers was the best way to accomplish that.

Perhaps the only one.

 
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The Prodigal Padawan had just been collected by the Jedi Council, so the gathering seemed to disperse. Connel had somewhere important to be, so, he turned on a heel and went to walk towards his next destination when he heard footsteps, rapid, running behind him. Turning, it was one of the others who was talking to the Togruta girl. The one trying to talk her up. A Knight “Braji”.


Vanagor. He left the “Knight” part out. He would until he was worthy of the title. Yes, he was a Jedi Knight, to anyone else, but to him, no, it meant more to him than anyone could possibly fathom, not out of lack of intelligence, just out of his upbringing and training. That was, however, a conversation for another time.

This new Knight had been one he had never seen before, and curious about redemption. Did he know Connel’s story? Was that his “in” to interrogate him? Only one way to find out.

Would you mind if we walked and talked? There is somewhere I need to be… It was not a bad place, or of any utter importance, well it was to him, but in the grand scheme of things, who was he? Hopefully Connel’s tone expressed this.

If Braji was paying attention, he would notice that they were heading to the landing pads.

I’m not sure how I could help, but ask away. Yes, Braji did mention what he was curious about initially, but there had to be more to it. It was better to speak more on this away from walls that have ears.

 

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Rix nodded. "Of course not. Lead the way."

He fell into step alongside Connel, following the path he took. As soon as it became clear to him where they were headed, he quietly wondered what Connel might need to do in the hangers. Perhaps he was getting ready for an excursion.

"You mentioned that your master learned from the Grandmaster that redemption is never out of reach," he recalled. "I'll admit that I'm in...the process myself." While he would share his past if asked to, he was hesitant to lead with the details of his wrongdoing. "I'm interested in gathering insight to guide me down this path. Anything you'd like to share would be very helpful.

"I've heard a lot about redemption from a master who I worked closely with for a time, but am learning now how wide the gap between theoretics and practice."

 
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Walking along down the corridor, he listened to what Braji was asking about. Sounded like the man was researching something for history’s sake. Well, in truth, my Master coined the phrase… but it was Master Quin who inspired it. It was not his place to tell the whole story about how Caltin and Ala were not “blood” but were “adoptive” brother and sister. She was “Aunt Ala” to him, but he would never call her that publicly, or even truly privately. He respected their bond deeply but knew it was a private matter. Instead, he focused on the present, offering what insights he could about the past while keeping the true nature of their relationship discreet, as it was not his story to share openly.

When they reached the landing pad, very highly modified, sleek YT-1300 “The Null Vector”, the ramp lowered. Come on in. The inside of the ship was “state of the art” to say the least. Much of the original layout remained, everything was clean and sleek. Connel took his mask off and stepped to the back for a moment.

A BB astromech droid rolled by and stopped Bweeep-Booo: [Translation: Hi, I’m BB-480. You can call me “BRAD”].

After another moment, a Gallinorese Mountain Aak Dog (\"Buster\") came running around happily. He looked like he had just woken up. He then suddenly stopped, smiling still as wide as a sector and tail wagging a sector a parsec he sat and fidgeted before Connel walked over and knelt beside him. Sorry, I had to check in on him, and feed him. He won’t bother you unless you give him permission to walk up and say “hi.” As Buster heard those words, he clearly recognized them and happily whined with a little fidget. Connel mimicked a wiggle of the hands as if to wave the pup to him. Connel's demeanor was definitely changed, easier, softer, much less rigid.

After a couple of moments, Connel got up and walked over to the Galley” where he started fixing some food for the pup. Getting back to what you were asking. I think that the first thing is to give yourself some grace. Accept whatever you need redemption for, outright own it and move forward. After that, it takes however long it takes…

 

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"Beautiful ship," Rix complimented as they approached the YT-1300. He was even more impressed as he followed Connel aboard, though he didn't repeat himself.

"Greetings, Brad," he said when the BB unit joined them.

Then an aak dog made its appearance too. An easy smile came to Rix' face. "No worries," he told Connel, and then shifted his attention to Buster. He walked towards him as Connel made his own way to the galley. Leaning down just a little, he offered the back of his hand for Buster to sniff. "Hi there, buddy."

With a quick scratch behind his ear, Rix went into the galley.

"So, you see it as a process too," he mused before crossing his arms and leaning against one of the counters. "Not a one-time decision someone makes for you." It was a statement rather than a question. Of course, he could well be mistaken about Connel's position, but at least he thought that they were on the same page.

"What do you think about guilt then? Even if someone accepts what they did to necessitate redemption, is guilt helpful to hold on to, or is it nothing but a distraction?"

These were questions that he hadn't had the chance to pose to Efret. Their prison conversations had never quite gotten this far, and then circumstances in her life had stopped allowing for visits.

But he had every reason to believe that he would get the chance to talk with her again.

 
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Thank you, it was originally my father’s. I made the modifications, working with my friends. There was no need to tell him about how his father flew it during the time of “darkness” between the Rise of the Empire and the Battle of Endor. Or how his cousin Michael and their droids counted as those “friends”. Not important as the dude was smart and he would meet BRAD and at least start to be able to do the math should he wish.

Buster was just “happy to be here” as always, it was good that he was. Connel did not like bringing him on the Vector, because he “worked” in that ship, so it was usually the Enterprise of the Defender. However he had just picked the pup up from his mother’s on Midvinter, so he wanted to catch up.

When Braji asked him, confirming a “process”, he shrugged as he put food and water dishes down for the hungry boy who chowed down. Yeah, it has to be… Then the guy went on how it isn’t “one time” and Connel stood up holding up a finger. I didn’t say that. If that is all it takes, then that is the process too…

Then came further explanation, and Connel’s heart sunk. He did not want to talk about this, but really, he didn’t have anything to hide. ”Yes”... if you don’t feel guilty about what you did then what is to stop you from falling back into that? If you carry too much will you ever move on? I know of a man who is dealing with that right now.

He let out a sigh. The Legacy of another Jedi, he is indeed a “Jedi Knight” to any, if not many who knew him. To him? He shook his head. Ask him, and he will tell you that he doesn’t deserve the title. He will go on about what he has done by means of method. His perception. Sure, anyone else will look at him with respect, but to him, the ends don’t justify the means… but he will still utilize the means and then tell you the Jedi are better than that. Sort of a “Don’t do as I do.” mentality.

 

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Rix nodded when he was corrected. "Fair enough," he agreed, trying to not feel jealous of those who could forgive themselves so easily. One and done. That wasn't Rix. The reality of what he had done was attached to him like a ball and chain. Master Farr could forgive him. Master Groti, Knight Serys, and Grandmaster Quinn could agree to give him another chance. But he would never let go of the past in the same way that they had—not forgetting but forgiving.

He couldn't imagine who he would be if he followed their examples.

The internal struggle was who he was now. It was what drove him out of bed in the morning. Maybe that wasn't so bad, then.

Connel shared a short example to illustrate his point about guilt being able to motivate change in a Jedi. "Better than what? Using guilt as a motivator?" guessed Rix. "It might be effective for the right being if they have the right mindset for it, but what does that mean: the right mindset? And where's the line between a guilt that propels and a guilt that holds back, stokes self-hatred, and perhaps lead to the Darkside?"

Rix shook his head. "I don't mean to imply anything about whoever you speak of. I just wonder, for myself. I...I feel like a padawan again." His lips pulled taut as if with the admission. "Maybe the Grandmaster should have demoted me." His voice didn't hold any self-pity, just observation.

 
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I think you answered your own question, but that is only my perspective. It depends on the person more than anything. The right mindset also depends on the person. What is right for me, may not be right for you or vice versa. Guilt really depended on the person more than the reason, not to minimize what had happened. It was harsh to think about what the man was going through.

Clearly it was something terrible. If you’re so convinced, then maybe you should go to her about it. I think you are where you are for a reason. It doesn’t matter what I think though… what about you?


 

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"No, you're right," he admitted before pinching his nose bridge. "I am in the right place." Both on Naboo as as a knight.

"Master Farr would tell me that a padawan isn't knighted because they know everything." He didn't drop Efret's name expecting some reaction; he was just musing aloud at that point. Plus, saying 'my Master' wouldn't have been accurate. She had not trained him, though she had taught him much over the years they had worked together, and continued to even now, even while absent.

Hell, Efret would even be the first to admit the same was true of masters, not only knights.

He dropped his hand to the counter again, where he was gripping it as he leaned back on it. "And I'd agree," he said honestly. "I'm just figuring something out. If that's all it took to make someone a padawan, the Order would..." A mercurial smile played on his face. "Well, we'd be in trouble."

 
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Master Farr is one in a million. That is for sure. Kneeling down to give Buster his dinner, half getting knocked over. Okay, you Goober! Calm down! Fighting his shift in balance, Connel got back to his feet after the Aak-Dog’s “nudge” barrage.

Things are cyclical. There’s always shifts in the galaxy. Jedi arguin with Jedi, Sith invading Sith… just keep our heads above water and we’ll be fine.


 

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Rix nodded. "Yeah. I like that. I can do that."

He watched on as Buster began eating his dinner. "I hope she's alright," he said after a moment, bringing the conversation back to Master Farr. She hadn't seemed troubled on Selvaris, but the simple fact that he hadn't seen or even heard from her since began to trouble him. "I thought she might have joined the High Republic as well." His brow furrowed as he adverted his gaze to Connel. "But I suppose whatever reason she resigned from the NJO's Council keeps her away from this Order too."

Rix had first heard the news during his last time in court, when Knight Groti had explained to the judge why she had come in Efret's stead to petition for the other knight's release. He had wanted to ask for the details after the hearing, but she had had to leave immediately, so he settled for a quick thanks instead.

Maybe Master Farr felt guilty for something too.

But what could she have possibly done?

 
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I wish I could give you an answer on that. A quiet sigh. I met her out on her farm not that long ago. There was disappointment in his words and tone.

She’s going through something. I mean, I know I could have and probably should have called ahead, but I wanted to ask her thoughts on something and she politely told me to “get lost”.


 

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Out on her farm? So she was relatively nearby? Maybe—

Rix' thought process ground to a halt when Connel told him what she had done. He pushed himself off the counter to stand on his own. "She did?" he asked, brow scrunching slightly. That didn't sound like Master Farr. Polite, of course, but rejection, not at all. "I'm sorry to hear that." Both for Vanagor and Efret. "That must have been troubling..."

He sighed before crossing his arms again, but thoughtfully, not defensively. "Do you have any idea what she could be going through? The last time we met, I didn't get any impression that she was struggling."

 
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I wish I could give you an answer on that too. A quiet sigh after Rix had asked about his opinion on the Jedi Master. Connel held her in a high regard, and he did not wish to speak idly, but the woman he had seen last on her farm was someone he did not recognize. I believe that it is possible that she is simply going through a rough patch, it happens to the best of us. Buster stopped for a moment to look up at him, and got a scritch behind his ear for his efforts.

She helped me gain confidence, and a foothold on who I was within the Jedi, or the New Jedi Order, Silver Jedi, this Order, she helped me, even if unwittingly or indirectly. All I know is, I’m not ready to “get lost” yet.


 

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A smile cracked Rix' unsettled countenance until Connel began to tell about the role Efret had played in his career and his life. The Pijali man shook his head slightly. "Very little that Master Farr does is by accident."

Efret's depth of self-awareness was almost unfathomable. She knew exactly how much of an influence she could have on someone, not just Jedi, and had always acted accordingly. It was a sacred, delicate duty to her to be as positive of a role model as possible. For that reason among others, it was a shame that she had never taken on a permanent padawan, but still she managed to teach so many. Anyone and everyone she met with a heart open to receive her love and learn what wisdom she had to share.

That's why the way she had acted was almost unthinkable, except that Connel had just testified to it. Whatever she was going through must have been horrible.

His smile grew when Connel finished his short story. "Not ready to leave her alone, you mean?" he asked almost rhetorically. Then an idea came to him. "If you hear anything about her, or see her, would you tell me? I'll do that same. She might be able to get through whatever troubles her alone but, if not, we should make ourselves available to help."

 
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She’s resourceful and has a way of getting what she needs out of you and make it feel like your choice. A quiet smile reverted along his face as he pondered his own words for a moment. I mean that in a good way, she is not manipulative, but “motivational”.


Then when Rix made his last observation, Connel nodded. This feeling I can’t kick about her, it’s probably why I haven’t really left Naboo yet. Not a fan of this sector. Nothing at all against the people, just not his cup of tea, this is documented.


 

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