Approved NPC The Bryn'adûl | Juggernaut Captain

[Tathra Khaeus]

The Bryn'adûl | Juggernaut Captain

OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION

• Intent: To flesh out a particular rank of the Bryn'adûl Juggernaut Corps
• Image Credit: X | X
• Role: Juggernaut Major
• Permissions: N/A
• Links: [Embedded Throughout]

GENERAL INFORMATION

• Unit Name: Juggernaut Captain
• Affiliation: The Bryn'adûl
• Classification: Infantry Captain
• Description: The Juggernauts of the Bryn'adûl, lethal tools of the Draelvasier species. The most reliable and long-standing military corps of the Barricas. Juggernaut Captains are given the responsibility of overseeing up to four Squads of Juggernauts, typically pegged for their ruthlessness and efficient nature, Juggernaut Captains statistically are promoted from the beginning ranks of the Juggernaut core, directly to Captain. Juggernaut Captains carry shotguns, and are tactical close quarters operators that lead their squads with utmost efficiency.

COMBAT INFORMATION:

• Unit Size: Small
• Unit Availability: Uncommon
• Unit Experience: Veteran
• Equipment:

- Armour: Verikast Juggernaut Platform 12A [Up-armoured]

- Arms: Glaive & Assault Carbine | Kraker| 457.2mm Ammunition

• Combat Function: Juggernaut Captains ensure the baseline leadership of the Juggernaut Corps, overseeing the lower ranked tiers such as Captains. Juggernaut Captains oversee up to four squads lead by Juggernaut Majors, Juggernaut Captains take the position of a frontline commander of the forces, ensuring the completion of a Juggernauts General's orders. Captains typically ride a Skag around the battlefield, leading and can present a substantial threat on the battlefield.

Strengths:

• Backbone: The Bryn'adûl Juggernauts are the forefront most well known enforcers of the Bryn'adûl, they are powerful and adept warriors that serve with great belief and loyalty to their core values of their culture. This means, even with lethal and even fatal wounds, they will not stop nor flee from combat without order, and will not stop until they can no longer keep moving.
• Tough: Just like any Baedurin, the Bryn'adûl Juggernauts are exceedingly tough - their skin almost impenetrable by heat based weaponry such as plasma. Additionally, their armour provides excellent and versatile protection against energy based weaponry such as Disruptors and typical Blasters.
• Strength: Every Draelvasier is formidable, but the Baedurin were granted a sum their Chieftain's strength. Born of his brawn, an average Juggernaut is roughly twenty times stronger than a human. This strength lends to ferocious speed and deadly, lethal strikes.
• Comrades: They live and breathe the ideals of the Bryn'adûl, acting on the will of their forefather, and the good of the galaxy. Thusly being the rank and file they steel themselves with a fixation on the tenets of strength and battle. They have a strong sense of comradery.
• Tactical: Juggernaut Captains have improved tactical training, their instincts are honed and capable of sensing traps and ambushes.
• Leadership: Captains are also leaders on the battlefield, competent leaders who follow through the commands and directives of their commanders.
• Strategized: Juggernaut Captains ensure synchronisation among the forces of the Juggernauts.

Weaknesses:

• Huge: Baedurin typically stand anywhere between 2.4 to 2.7 metres in height, they are giants. Whilst this grants them the strength of titans, it also weighs on their bodies, it also makes them incredibly large targets, easy pickings for automatic weapons.
• Agility: Baedurin are not as agile/flexible as smaller species and more lithe creatures.
• Winters' Grasp: The fire in their veins makes them strong, but it also makes the Baedurin's flesh feeble in the presence of the cold. Their blood runs hot, their bodies thriving in the sun. But it is the brightest flame that is snuffed the easiest, the cold is as deadly as any blades.

HISTORICAL INFORMATION

The Juggernauts of the Bryn'adûl have been officially rebranded as the Juggernaut Corps, encompassing a variety of Juggernaut units and force variations. One such group is the Juggernaut Captains. Juggernaut Captains ensure a greater vision for the Bryn'adûl. Juggernaut Captains are elite warriors, and oversee the battlefield.

 

[Judah Lesan]

Tathra Khaeus

Hi my name is Judah Lesan and I am here to review you submission. Since I am a trainee this will need a secondary review.

Shall we begin?

Overall this submission seems to be a copy paste of this submission here, and while it is your own submission I would like to see you differentiate these submissions a bit. That being said much of the issues with this submission are the same because of this.

No. 1. IMAGE CREDIT

I noticed you are linking to the Halo Infinite game Wikipedia because the image comes from the game. If you could note that since the image itself is not readily viewable on wiki that would be awesome!

No. 2. GLAIVE LINK

This link is taking me to an NPC submission "Brynadul Drones." Is this the link you meant to put there, or did something get criss-crossed here.

No. 3. SPIKER LINK

This links to a submission which is archived and denied. Per Codex rules you cannot link to anything in the archives. I believe you had this submitted before that took place, but regardless this will need to be removed.

Do not place links in submissions to threads that are within the Archives or anywhere that cannot always be publicly viewed. (Ex. Faction Groups/Google Docs/Etc)

No. 4. BAEDURIN AND DRAELVASIR

You reference these in your submission, but for those who do not know what they are it would be helpful to link to the species submission for quick reference.

No. 5 HISTORICAL INFORMATION

Might I suggest you flesh this out a bit more. I think you have done a great job with creating something amazing here, but I would like to know more about their history. Your history as it stands is more a description about what they are and not where they came from.

Let's start with this. Tag me when you are ready for me to take another look.

 

[Judah Lesan]

Tathra Khaeus

I apologize for taking a couple extra days to get back to you. Thank you so much for your patience!

For full transparency what follows will be listed across your other Brute submissions as well.

After taking a look at your submission, along with the other brutes you have submitted, these are extremely familiar to the Brutes of Halo, also known as the Jiralhanae as seen in the Halo Fandom Wiki here. This wiki will be referenced throughout this review. While I do not feel you have plagiarized anything, this definitely qualifies as a crossover which according to the Codex Standardized Guidelines are not allowed. I have quoted the particular guideline for your convenience below:

No crossovers. All submissions need to conform to the general idea of Star Wars. No Gundams, no Transformers, no Pokemon etc.

Before we move on I am going to give you the chance to edit these submissions so they reflect something more akin to Star Wars and not the Halo Franchise.

Here are the changes I feel will help accomplish this.

NAME:

The names are the same, a brief look at the wiki makes this clear. I would suggest another name other than brute to use.​

IMAGE:

The images you are using in these submissions are the brutes from the Halo games. Because of the similarities I would also suggest steering away from using anything related to the brutes from halo in your art. I will also suggest you play more to the description you wrote in the species submission which suggests a more reptilian look than that of a gorilla.​

CHIEFTAIN:

In all the submissions you make reference to the brutes gaining strength from their chieftain. Reading through the wiki also makes heavy references to the chieftain as a rank, and ultimate leader of the brutes. Please remove this reference or come up with different nomenclature for the leader.​

​

EQUIPMENT:

Your equipment is almost directly taken from the Halo wiki, and in fact two of the weapons listed have the same name, the spiker and the mauler. One of them, the spiker, I did point out has since been archived. I am going to suggest you use different weapons as well. (Your Brute Heavy submission is the exception to equipment.)​

​

STRENGTHS:

Under strengths in the description of Backbone you mention their zealotry:​

​

they are powerful and adept warriors that serve with a zealotry that parallels only the most fanatical of followers.

​

This seems to parallel the Halo wiki as well.​

​

The Jiralhanae within the Covenant were zealous beings, known for their willingness to cling to ancient, bloody traditions and many among the Jiralhanae, notably Tartarus, held an unwavering belief in the words of the Prophets and in the promise of the Great Journey…

​

This also seems to come into play here under the strength you have called Comrades:​

​

They live and breathe the ideals of the Bryn'adûl, acting on the will of their forefather, and the good of the galaxy.

​

I believe these particular strengths would hold up without this particular reference.​

WEAKNESSES:

In the weakness you have listed as huge they are standing 2.4 to 2.7 meters tall. This happens to be the center of the height range listed in the Halo wiki.​

​

ALSO AS A REMINDER:

These submissions are very similar so please be sure to differentiate them enough. The main area where I see this is with the strengths and weaknesses specifically. What would help here is expanding on them… how is a major different from a captain or a heavy, etc. They currently read as the same exact submission in this area.​

SOME THINGS I MISSED:

Please be sure you link to the Draelvasier as this is where you list the Baedurin and describe what they are.​

As I said above, I do not thing you plagiarized anything here, but this is definitely a crossover which will need some significant reworking before these submissions can be approved.

There is a lot to address here, so if you would like, I could move these to the pre-codex so that you can take your time with making the edits suggested above. Just let let me know how you would like to proceed.

Thanks!

 

[Tathra Khaeus]

Judah Lesan

- The Mauler is simple a name used, its a completely different kind of weapon.

- The Glaive issue will be fixed.

- Chieftain, is the rank used by the leader of the Bryn'adûl. Brutes are a small sub-sect of marine equivalents, not at all like the actual Brutes of the Halo Franchise. I can't change the name used because its been that way for years and is just part of the lore. Chieftains in Halo are pack leaders, its a different leadership structure.

- Also, you're drawing relations to the Halo Brutes, but in the actual Halo games the group they work for the Covenant, they don't care about their religion at all only their species religion. The zealotry mentioned in these particular strengths and in my submissions is part of Draelvasier culture, as it is a militant culture that is also, whilst featuring big tall strong blokes entirely different from the Jiralhanae.

- The height is the average height of the Draelvasier, which would be relevant. Honestly it being close to jiralhanae is a coincidence as I based Tathra's height off of General RAAM and Thanos.

Also I used the Brute concept art from Halo Wars 2 for the original Brute submission. I know their is a gorrilla man underneath the armour, but all I care about is the armour.

I know similarities are there, but its like calling a chicken soup the same as a tomato soup. The actual contents are very different.

 

[Tathra Khaeus]

Judah Lesan

This will also apply to the other submissions; I'm gonna change the art used. Back to some more unused concept art that looks less like a hairy gorilla man. So I hope that's that nipped in the bud.

 

[Tathra Khaeus]

UPDATE:

• Image changed and credit link provided
• Draelvasier/Baedurin linked in description.
• Glaive link fixed
• Spiker removed [will be replaced soon]
• Backbone strength's mention of zealotry replaced with a note of culture and culture has been linked.
• Comrade strength left unchanged as its accurate to Draelvasier/Bryn'adûl lore.

Judah Lesan

 

[Judah Lesan]

Tathra Khaeus

I know you are working on this and the major with some of these points. Would you like me to move them to the pre-codex while you are?

An answer here could give me guidance for the other as well if that is acceptable to you.

 

[Tathra Khaeus]

Judah Lesan Its not that the volume is too much, I was more giving a list of what I've done so far to see if its an improvement.

Like, is the replacement art better?

 

[Judah Lesan]

Tathra Khaeus

Thanks for the changes you have made so far. I am glad to see you are making an effort, however it does not go far enough. Let me explain.

The reason it was flagged for a crossover is because you are using Halo art, a Halo name, Halo terminology, and Halo weapon names. One of those things alone or by themselves isn't a bad thing, however the fact you are using all of them together is the issue. I want to work with you on making this happen, but as long as there are this many Halo components I simply cannot approve the submission.

I do appreciate the tweaks you made in strengths and weaknesses to make these NPC's seem less like the brutes of Halo. I can see that you are trying to work with me on this!

As you are aware we do not allow crossovers and we do not judge based on precedent.

So here is where we are at:

IMAGE CREDIT: If you add the image from the approved brute submission showing what they look like under the armor, along with the current armor set (as that is still a halo brute image according to the navbar description when I click the link), we can make the image work.

PROVIDED THAT THE FOLLOWING CHANGES ARE MADE:

NAME: Please change the name. While perhaps it was not intended the name is from the games and will need to change.

CHIEFTAIN: You need to rename the chieftain. I understand you have them as the overall leader, however since that submission is currently in the Pre-Codex for edits, now is best time to make that change. note: if you are set on using chieftain than you cannot use a halo image credit. For the sake of this sub... there is only one place I see Chieftain, why not make the text read: they were granted a sum of the leader's strength.

WEAPONS: You need to change out the mauler. This one bothered me the most if I am honest because in a thirty second skim of the Halo Wiki I found the weapons Spiker and Mauler were side by side exactly as they were in your submission. I won't debate whether they are the same weapon or not. That is for the Factory to decide not the Codex. They are the names of weapons in Halo that the Brutes specifically use, so I am not going bend on the weapons.

What I am trying to help you with here is that balance between getting these submissions done as close to your vision as possible without it coming across as a crossover.

As I said it is the combination of these things which are making these submissions appear to be a crossover. One of them alone isn't the issue.

So, where do we go from here?

This is the minimum of what needs to be done to get these submissions approved.

I can move them to the pre-codex, but as you said there is not a lot of content to change, so we can keep them in live judging if you wish.

Your other option here is that you we see what happens with a second chance.

Let me know how you want to proceed with these changes.

Thanks for you patience!

 

[Tathra Khaeus]

Judah Lesan

I would rather not remove the Mauler, however I can simply rename it? I can rename it in the sub here and pull it to pre-factory to change the name as, that's the real issue, yea?

It doesn't look like the Mauler nor does it work like one so, if we change the name that is that solved. Yes?

 

[Judah Lesan]

Tathra Khaeus

Absolutely that is an option. The basic goal here is to get rid of the parts that make this look like Halo even though I am certain you weren’t trying to make a crossover here.

If you rename it, we’re good there.

Hope this helps you out!

 

[Tathra Khaeus]

Judah Lesan

• Image for underneath armour added
• Name changed
• Chieftain mentioned removed
• Waiting on Mauler to move to pre-factory

 

[Judah Lesan]

Tathra Khaeus did you want me to go ahead and give these subs a pass over, or did you want to wait on the mauler edits? You could always do a sub-nod later if that that is your desire.

 

[Judah Lesan]

Tathra Khaeus

Could I get an update on the progress? Still waiting on the weapon? The offer still stands to move these to pre-codex while you are waiting.

 

[Judah Lesan]

Tathra Khaeus

I‘m going to go ahead and move the Juggernaut subs to the pre-codex.

I do understand you’re waiting on a weapon, and while I’ve asked for guidance on what you’d like to do it’s been two weeks with no answer.

Once you’ve edited the weapon in you can ask to have them

 

[Tathra Khaeus]

Judah Lesan

apologies mate, been absolutely scuffed with other stuff. Pre-codex is no bother.

We'll get this gun sorted and we'll be grand to go again.

 

[Tathra Khaeus]

John Locke

Ready for live judgement.

 

[Judah Lesan]

Tathra Khaeus

I'll say it here on this one... thank you for being a good sport about the changes here. I really do think you have created an incredible species and support to go with all of it. It's taken a lot of work, but overall you have contributed to the lore of Chaos greatly with these creations!

[APPROVED]