Private The Beast Within

[Jonyna Si]

​

Location: New Cov Jedi Temple

The trip to New Cov was a quiet one. The Knight of 900 years wasn't exactly sure how to address the situation, but she knew she wanted it somewhere quiet. If her padawan was capable of this, then she wanted answers where they wouldn't risk interruption. Jonyna didn't want to make her padawan feel isolated, but she also didn't want anyone to fear her.

Thus why she chose New Cov. The temple of Valery Noble was a secluded spot that they could definitively find peace. Away from the hustle and bustle of Coruscant, but close enough to GA space they wouldn't risk some mando showing up.

As they landed, Jonyna was still quiet, but led Rayia Si towards the main temple.

"So..." She finally broke the silence, sitting down on the temple steps. "Walk me through this. What exactly happened on Ukatis to you?"​

 

[Rayia Si]

Jonyna Si
Location: New Cov
(Please forgive me. This is a phone post.)

---

Rayia had returned to the Reaper just as she had promised. Her time away and her conversations with others such as R’Rung had lent her some new perspective on the issue. More than that however, it had been the close call with Makko that had convinced her that she needed to deal with this. Who better than her mentor to help her find a balance between her two selves. ‘And I suppose I owe Jonyna an explanation. She did take me in after all,’ she thought to herself.

She had knocked on the Reaper’s hatch with a sheepish smile on her face. “Uhm… I’m back. Like I said I’d be,” she said, scratching her clawed fingers through the fur on her arms. What Rayia hadn’t expected was to be bundled into a trip to New Cov. Alone with her mentor. While Jonyna remained silent, Rayia could hear alarm klaxons going off in her head.

‘Someone must have reported it. Someone who saw me. I’m going to trial in front of the council. And… they’re going to kick me from the Order!’ Rayia panicked, feeling her mouth go dry. She tried to work words through her dry lips, but every time she tried she found her breath stolen away. ‘Fething jungle heat,’ Rayia cursed, feeling the pricks of perspiration trickling down her brow.

So, Rayia was stunned when Jonyna led her to the temple of Valery Noble. She sat down on the steps in front of the temple besides her mentor. Rayia trailed her fingers over the slightly pockmarked stone as Jonyna asked her what happened to her on Ukatis. “I…ah…mmm,” Rayia said, stumbling over her words. She felt the urge to play it off as nothing welling up inside her and shook her head. ‘Damn it, she deserves to know,’ she thought, balling her hands into tight fists. Her claws scraped over the stone as she saw her knuckles grow white. A faint moisture coated the smooth stone tickling her with its faint touch.

“You probably figured this out already, but I’m not a Cathar like you, mentor. I’m a Felacatian from Weik,” Rayia admitted, squeezing her eyes shut. She couldn’t meet Jonyna’s gaze. “When you met me, I was running away from home,” she said before continuing, “My people…have two selves always. This one and the beast. The beast protects us from stress. It feeds on it, you see, and wakes up. It’s why we don’t travel much, as a people. Hyperspace does weird things to us.”

Rayia looked at Jonyna then. Her golden, slitted eyes were tearing up slightly. “I didn’t want to hide it. But I also didn’t want you to be scared of me.”

 

[Jonyna Si]

​

"I figured you weren't. Don't smell right." Jonyna offered with a kind tone. She sounded so casual, and yet her mind raced. "I don't get scared. I get angry. And given that I'm not angry, you can probably tell why I'm worried about you. So....you turn into this thing as a defense mechanism?" Her tone shifted to more curiosity than worry. The woman's mind raced. How could she use this? That was always her default. The Problem Solver. "How much control do you have as it?"

Tag: Rayia Si

 

[Rayia Si]

Jonyna Si
Location: New Cov
(Please forgive me. This is a phone post.)

---

Rayia gave a somewhat morose smile at that. One corner of her lips rose up into a smirk. She had figured that Jonyna had probably identified that she wasn’t a Cathar some time ago. It was nice to hear she was right. And she also appreciated that Jonyna hadn’t called her out on her attempted disguise.

“You should know why I was trying to hide among you. It’s only fair, since they might still be looking for me,” Rayia said, drawing in a breath. Painful memories flashed through her head and Rayia winced. “My mother is the leader of our tribe. The Feral Queen in our tongue. She’s is seeking her successor. My sisters and I need to undergo the trials of succession. One of those trials is to fight amongst ourselves… I didn’t want that,” Rayia said, tracing concentric circles in the pockmarked steps to the temple with her finger.

Her ear twitched slightly as she heard Jonyna switch gears to talk about her bestial side. It fell slightly when Rayia heard that Jonyna wouldn’t be scared but angry. And that she worried her. ‘So I did frighten her after all. Even if just in the thought of others,’ Rayia thought, ashamedly. She was appreciative that Jonyna seemed willing to listen though.

Her ear quirked as Jonyna asked a question. “That’s right. It protects us. But it’s also listening to this conversation now, even when it is asleep,” Rayia said. She was frowning now, trying to understand where Jonyna was going with this. ‘Is this a test of sorts?’ Her mind kept prompting. “Not much. I…uhm, other members of our tribe were much better at attuning to their bestial halves. My mother, one of my sisters, Huiele, and several of the older hunters and huntresses that had worked alongside my mother for years.”

Rayia scratched the back of her neck sheepishly. “I never really learned how. Maybe my mother wanted me to train in a different way, maybe I missed some important lessons by running away. I don’t know.” Golden, slitted eyes narrowed curiously as Rayia asked, “Why?”

 

[Jonyna Si]

​

"Because you're my padawan, and if you're gonna keep...doing that, transforming, in the future, you should know how to control it. Ya know?" Jonyna's logic was simple as always. There was no judgement in her voice, no fear, just a simple looking to the future. An optimistic look, that Rayia could handle it. If it was part of her species, of course she could. "We might need to get you a new saber for it though." Jonyna considered, pondering the thought as she rubbed her chin. "Something....bigger. Something you can hold in your teeth."

Tag: Rayia Si

 

[Rayia Si]

Jonyna Si

---

The slightest tremor wracked Rayia's shoulders as she listened to the unjudging words of her mentor. Her ears slowly sank back, and Rayia was surprised when she felt the sharp bite of tears welling up in her eyes. 'I really was lucky. To have found her, and have her take me on,' Rayia realized, as shimmering droplets left trails down her cheeks before falling to her lap below. Rayia scooted over across the steps towards Jonyna, until her shoulder was just barely touching the Cathar's own. Rayia could feel the streaks of mascara and soot already streaking down her face as she leaned in towards Jonyna. 'Wait, dont mess up her coat, dummy,' Rayia thought to herself as she buried her face into the Cathar's neck. Rayia's left hand found Jonyna's shirt. crumpling it into a tight ball as she clutched tightly to her mentor and began to bawl.

Rayia sucked long, ragged sobs through her teeth as Jonyna's collar grew damp with her tears. She felt a disapproving glare burning into her back, but she just didn't care. The glare of a memory lodged deep in her mind. Her mother's disapproving glare at the sight of a huntress from her tribe bawling her eyes out. 'You're ugly crying,' her thoughts couldn't resist commenting, causing Rayia to pull back sharply. "Uh, sorry," she apologized, seeing the stains slowly spreading across her mentor's shirt. She tried half-heartedly to buff them out as she gathered her thoughts. Rayia's lips pursed as she admitted, "I'm scared... Jonyna. I'm scared to try. What if I hurt someone while trying to master it?" She asked, and then supplemented the question with another as her mind provided yet another hurdle. "How... do I even try? I don't have a clue."

Jonyna's proposal about a bigger saber that her beast form could carry in its teeth caused a slight chuckle. Before long, a sharp, short laugh erupted from Rayia's lips. "Hahaha. That would be something. A muzzle-saber. Maybe a dual one. Think I could become a Weapons Master with that?" She asked, referring to the title bestowed upon paladins who mastered unique fangs.

 

[Jonyna Si]

​

As soon as her padawan put her head on Jonyna's shoulder, the cathar was quick to wrap an arm around her and pull her into a hug. "Hey, shhh...it's gonna be okay."

The admission of fear was one Jonyna could understand, offering a smile to the padawan, that probably showed Jonyna's age more than anything. It was a smile of not a hero, not a jedi, but of a mother. In that moment, something clicked in Jonyna's mind. She wanted kids. But not today, maybe someday down the line, but she wanted one.

For now though, she offered that smile that could melt a heart, and answered the question. "You won't. You won't hurt anyone, because I'm gonna help you. This temple will be our sanctuary while we're training. Okay?" As for how, Jonyna didn't have an answer for that yet. She'd need to consult with Master Noble on that, and she knew that would be a long conversation. For now though, she would focus on comforting her adopted daughter. The question of the muzzle saber brought a snort to erupt out of Jonyna's nose. "Maybe! I dunno, we'll have to figure that part out as we go."

Tag: Rayia Si

 

[Rayia Si]

Jonyna Si

---

Rayia's ears perked up slightly as she felt Jonyna's arm wrap around her back. It turned out big, fluffy coats were remarkably warm, and Jonyna's reassurances were comforting. After a shaky, shuddering breath Rayia managed to pull herself together enough to straighten her shoulders and look Jonyna in the eyes. She laid her head on Jonyna's shoulder and looked around the temple that Jonyna declared would be their sanctuary while she figured out how to reach the beast within. The stirring of leaves against the pockmarked stone created a gentle rustling sound that permeated all around them. "It seems secluded enough. Maybe... Maybe there is the chance I'll be able to do this without hurting anyone," Rayia murmured, mostly to herself.

Ultimately, the real question that Jonyna was asking her was whether or not Rayia trusted her. And Rayia did. Jonyna had been nothing but kind and understanding to her since she had found her on Cathar all those moons ago. She had shown her of her people and invited her to partake in days important to Cathar - to their traditions. 'I mean, we took part in a Cathar hunt. By the standards of the Feral Queen's tribe, she practically adopted me. Down in that Kilik nest, when me and Ko undertook the Trials of Adolescence,' Rayia thought. There was so much she wanted to say. But the words died on her lips. She found herself choked up by that fluttering feeling of joy and bit down on her lips to keep herself from devolving into another bout of sobs.

Jonyna's snort helped, and soon Rayia found herself chuckling softly. "I'm sure that would be a lightsaber of a kind," she said slowly sobering up as she glanced up at her master. "Do you have a next step for us to take? Or anything else you want me to clarify?" Rayia asked, curious if her master had any idea of what she was getting into.

 

[Jonyna Si]

​

"The next step would be getting some help. I called Valery Noble already, she should be on her way. I know this is gonna be a bit scary for all of us, so I figured having a jedi master on hand would probably be best. Other than that?" She shrugged. "We play it by ear. I can help with controlling your inner beast, but the rest we'll have to play by ear. I guess..." She looked out on the jungle before her. The last time she had been here, it had been....less than ideal.

For now though, she was happy to calm her daughter. Even if things were different now, the Cathar still saw her that way. The tribe had accepted both of them, and Jonyna had accepted them as family. That wouldn't change.

Tag: Rayia Si

 

[Rayia Si]

Jonyna Si Valery Noble

---

"Oh. That's... great." Rayia felt her throat constrict as she worked to swallow past the sudden lump of nervousness rising up in her. 'I was hoping I could avoid bringing this to the attention of the council... Oh, I am so going to get a chewing out,' she thought to herself morosely. Her mind flashed back to all the times her mother had roared at her and Rayia tried to prepare herself to face the same ire from Valery. 'How many scars will I earn this time?' She wondered, digging her claws into the smooth stone of the temple steps. Its solid, cold surface soothed her nerves as if it could leech her fears away from her. Her ears drooped as Rayia battled the turbulent mix of hope and shame that surged within her chest. On the one hand, a mentor like Paladin Noble alongside her mentor Jonyna meant that Rayia had a real chance to resonate with her inner beast and learn some control.

On the other, it also meant that Jonyna, along with the broader Council, was going to get a full depth dive into the lengths that Rayia had gone to hide this aspect of her from anyone. Beyond sedating herself during ship travel aboard the Reaper, Rayia had circumvented Jedi personnel records by registering as a Cathar instead of as a Felacatian. 'I had my reasons of course, but what exactly have I shown them with my actions? That I obscured the truth...and that I am...dangerous,' she thought. Rayia hung her head, but remained sitting. If there was any time to face the consequences of her actions, it would be now. 'I...I haven't hurt anyone yet. At least not of the Order. Maybe it will be okay,' Rayia privately hoped. All there was to do now was wait.

 

[Valery Noble]

Sleheyron

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Lightsabers
Tag: Jonyna Si Rayia Si

Valery was already waiting just outside the Temple, at the top of the small staircase leading up to it. Whenever a Knight or even a Jedi Master called because they needed help with their Padawans, Valery would always make herself available. They were the future of the Order, and the would one day be responsible for the safety of many people in the Galaxy. Making sure they were ready for that responsibility was perhaps her most important task as a leader.

In this particular case, Valery wasn't yet aware of all the details, but she already spotted Jonyna Si and her Padawan Rayia Si approaching her.

"Greetings, Knight Si and Padawan Asai," Valery began with a warm smile, before dipping her upper body into a bow, "How can I help you two?"

 

[Jonyna Si]

​

Jonyna could sense the trepidation within her daughter. Jonyna instinctively wrapped her tail around her, pulling her close. "It's gonna be fine."

As Val approached, Jonyna smiled. "We have some things to talk about in regards to Rayia here. She...wasn't completely honest in her interview to become a padawan." Jonyna nudged Rayia slightly, whispering to her. "Tell her. There's nothing to fear, I'm right here."

Tag: Valery Noble Rayia Si

 

[Rayia Si]

Jonyna Si Valery Noble

---

Rayia was going to come face to face with her demons faster than she had expected. As Jonyna started to guide her up the steps of the temple, Rayia blinked as she saw Valery Noble waiting for them at the top. She almost hissed in surprise, only just managing to bite down on her lips before she uttered a sound. The fur on the nape of her neck rose in visible anxiety. 'Wait, how long has she been there?' Rayia found herself thinking. She glanced, betrayed, at her tail only to find it bristling as it normally did when it detected the displacement of air that indicated movements. As the wet trail staining her cheeks started to dry, Rayia found herself flooded with sensations that swamped her from all sides. Prickles of movement just now breaking through the foggy haze of the past few moments. She shook her head, a little disappointed in herself. 'Maybe I was too busy sniveling to take notice. Mom would tan me if she saw me now,' she thought, wincing at the thought.


On the other hand, Jonyna's reassurance was very welcome and Rayia found herself clinging to her adoptive mother's tail. Her hands seized around it, keeping it around herself as Jonyna revealed the fact that Rayia had not entirely been forthcoming. Rayia refrained from scuffing the ground with her boots and instead opted for making eye contact with the taller Jedi. Her ears did droop in shame though, flattening back protectively as Rayia stopped short of coming within reach of Valery. Her tail also retracted protectively into its sheath, leaving only the end poofing out behind her. 'Much as I want to act the abashed kit, it's not the time. I knew well what I was doing. It's just time to face it,' Rayia thought, feeling Jonyna's elbow nudge her in the ribs. "Oof!" She winced, rubbing at the spot before sighing. "Yes, Jonyna is right. I did not tell the truth while registering with the Order."

She paused, inhaling to steel her nerves as she thought about how to best explain. "...If you were to pull up my records, you will find that I registered as a Cathar instead of my true species. Given that Jonyna found me on Cathar, as well as several other factors, it was the best option for me." Rayia said, aware that she was leaving out pieces. Pieces like how the word option was a replacement for the word mask, and about the factors that had led to her fleeing from her homeworld and winding up on Cathar in the first place. Golden eyes continued to study Valery as Rayia continued. "...It wasn't done to hurt the Order, or anyone within it." Rayia said, knowing that sounded suspect now regardless of whether or not it was true. One clawed hand idly scratched the fur on Rayia's left arm. "...Recent events on Ukatis, as well as being captured and escaping with Makko Vyres , led to one of my species' unique traits being revealed, despite my efforts to suppress it. Moreover, it led to me becoming a danger to both Mandalorian and Alliance forces in both instances," Rayia finished, wondering how Mentor Noble was going to react to that. "...Makko can confirm this as well, if you would like an external witness," She finally finished.

 

[Valery Noble]

Sleheyron

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Lightsabers
Tag: Jonyna Si Rayia Si

As they approached, Valery could tell that Rayia was nervous. But with her adoptive Mom's gentle touch, she at least pushed herself to confront the Jedi Master. Valery, hoping to make the younger woman more comfortable, offered a warm and welcoming smile, before dipping her head in greeting.

"She's also right, there really is nothing to fear." As far as Valery was concerned, the Padawan wasn't in trouble. But if there was something important for her to tell the Council, this would be a good moment to be honest with them. That's all Valery really cared about, as well as being able to help.

Valery then went on to listen to the Padawan, and tilted her head curiously, "Well, I'm not sure if a witness is needed. I doubt you have a reason to lie about this. I am curious though — what is this trait you're speaking of?"

 

[Rayia Si]

Jonyna Si Valery Noble

---

The reassurance of the warm, welcoming smile and Valery's kind words did alleviate some of the tension Rayia was feeling. The Felacatian visibly relaxed, seeming to let go of some of the stiffness in her muscles, and she crossed for the first time the berth she had instinctively been giving the Master Jedi. 'Within paw range now,' some part of her mind couldn't help but noting quietly as Rayia folded her hands together before her and interlaced her fingers. Golden eyes with sharp pupils watched Valery's own intensely, only drooping to the floor as Valery judged that Rayia had no reason to lie and therefore a witness was not needed. Rayia gave a small dip of the head and scratched one of her arms sheepishly. When she spoke, it was in a small voice that barely hovered above a whisper. "I...do not have any reason to lie. Though I thought you might appreciate the ability to... corroborate the reports from someone other than me. To decide if I was going to be worth more than a thorn in the paw. Makko and... Amani, I think it was, can do this."

When asked to explain the particular trait that she was describing, Rayia could feel her throat clamming up. An ugly, scratchy feeling was slowly crawling up her neck and she swallowed around it with difficulty. 'You already told Jonyna. It doesn't look like they are going to exile you, so just share. Come on already,' she encouraged herself, pausing as a small cough escaped her lips. Briefly, she looked to Jonyna to see if the Cathar wanted to append any questions to the inquiry or add any input. 'Better to just explain all of this once than to keep being tormented and interrogated like some prey with its foot in a trap,' Rayia thought to herself. When her mentor remained silent, she nodded.

Rayia's ears flicked curiously as she thought about how to best answer the question. "Well, I explained to mentor Jonyna already but we Felacatians have two selves at any one time. This self you see here, and an inner beast. The beast self is designed to protect us from stress and harm. In the presence of those stimulants, our beast side wakes and grows stronger. My people call this shifting, and we...change. ...It's part of why my people rarely leave Weik, or even the old home world in the old stories. Travelling does odd things to us," she said.

 

[Jonyna Si]

​

"I offered to train her to better control that side, but I'm not exactly trained to do so. I'm a master swordswoman, a survival specialist, and a decent public speaker, but...animal tamer? That's a new one for me. I'd appreciate some assistance Master." Jonyna felt a bit guilty constantly asking Val for help with now both of her padawans. Even if it was unfounded, there was always a bit of insecurity in her status as a Knight.

Tag: Valery Noble Rayia Si

 

[Valery Noble]

New Cov

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Lightsabers
Tag: Jonyna Si Rayia Si

Valery nodded in understanding, "While I appreciate both Makko and Amani's opinions, I find it important not to rely on them here. You came to me for help, so I want to believe you to be open and trustworthy, so I can actually help." If she lied now, or were to keep important things away from Valery, the Jedi Master simply just wouldn't be able to help as well as she would have otherwise. So, Valery placed her trust in Rayia.

This was her moment to be open, and allow herself to lean on others.

Then, Rayia finally explained her situation, and Valery understood all of her worries. Jedi were taught to be in control of themselves, and not to let emotion guide them. There is no emotion, there is peace. But Rayia had a biological trait of her people that could compromise it, and now she feared what the consequences of that could be.

"Well, you do have the right idea, Knight Si, and I appreciate that you're looking for help if it's something you struggle to help her with." That was the sign of being a good Master — every Jedi had their strength and weaknesses, and even the most experienced ones needed to know when to ask for help.

"Has anybody of your people ever been able to control this side?" Valery then asked. "Because I see two ways to address it. Either, you need to learn how to control yourself when this side comes out, or you must train yourself to not give in to the triggers that spark it to begin with."

 

[Rayia Si]

Jonyna Si Valery Noble

---

Rayia dipped her head in acknowledgement of Valery's words. If they were back home, the matter would have been investigated fully regardless of whether or not the individual at the source of the problem had confessed to it or not. This was to keep bestial tempers from running rampant and personal scraps from breaking out regardless of the ruling. 'Clearly they must do things differently here. They... trust me?' Rayia realized, and it almost sent a fresh wave of tears spilling down her cheeks. Even still, as she fought to stifle her emotions, some small part of her was unsettled nonetheless. 'This is going phenomenally well...,' it whispered to her in the back of her mind, '...what's the catch?' A question that was soon answered by the following questions that Valery proposed to her. "Respectfully, Mentor Noble, I don't believe attempting to fight the triggers is a option for me. Disregarding the likely toll to my health at attempting to mute my stress, that is what I have been doing to suppress my shifting until now. ...And it is a losing battle. I have had to rely on many doses of sedatives to restrain myself." Rayia said, reminiscing to before she had left Weik. 'The younger me would have never dared to contradict someone with authority akin to my mother's own level,' she thought.

Rayia's ear flicked with something akin to embarrassment, and she took another deep breath as she began to explain. "Yes, I am aware of individuals able to control this side of us. The old stories that have been passed down from generation to generation from before my ancestors left the old home world and crashed upon Weik have touched upon this concept multiple times. My own mother, as well as many of the older hunters and huntresses of the tribe, have displayed this ability..." Rayia tapered off as she began to talk about her mother. Unpleasant memories began to well to the surface and Rayia's lips drew into a thin, pained line.

She coughed awkwardly, and swallowed around the clawing lump in her throat. "...However, my mother did not reveal those secrets to me as my training was... interrupted before it was finished. I will have to return to Weik at one point, yet I am afraid of doing so for the moment. Several important rituals would have been disrupted by my absence. Rituals I would rather not see complete." Rayia finished, before thinking to herself. Last I heard anyway, mother and my siblings were still looking for me. I hope they haven't actually attempted any of the rituals of succession without me.' Rayia paused, opening up the possibility for questions should either mentor have any at the time.

 

[Jonyna Si]

​

Jonyna had heard Rayia mention her homeworld a few times now in that light. "...what exactly do you mean by that? What kind of rituals are your people doing on your homeworld?"

Jonyna had an intuition about this kinda thing. A propensity to get into trouble, Zash used to call it. But she couldn't help it. Where others saw trouble, she saw people in need of help.

Tag: Valery Noble Rayia Si

 

[Rayia Si]

Jonyna Si Valery Noble

---

Rayia had been prepared for the question, yet her ears still drooped as she heard Jonyna voice it. She could only wince at the explanation that she had to give, fearing that it painted her people in a barbaric and primitive light. Since leaving home, Rayia had seen wonders. She'd flown in windships capable of travelling the stars, she'd fought the Warlocks that continued to plague her home-world at the source and others besides. Pirates, Mandalorians. She'd made friends and even a new family amidst the people that she'd encountered. So many different peoples. Rayia took a few moments to think as she debated on where to start her explanation. "My mother... is the queen of my tribe. You would call her the matriarch, I suppose. Our territory occupies one of the continents on Weik, where our ancestors crashed so long ago. My sisters and I... are of the age to be eligible for succession rites. The succession rite involves the pacification of a.... oh kark it, what is the word paladins would call it?" Rayia said, snapping her fingers as she fought to remember.

Rubbing two clawed fingers to her right temple, Rayia massaged her skull. 'Come on, you know this. This is basic. Even the younglings could name this when you were learning with them,' Rayia chided herself. The word finally spilled from her lips as she remembered it. "New... Nex... Nexus? Yes, that is it. A Nexus. A strong one too. One found in the bones of Illuna," Rayia said, before her eyes snapped up. A sheepish expression crossed her face, and she was aware that she had probably lost the two mentors in front of her. The importance of the name was likely unknown to them. "...Sorry, old stories again. To summarize, there are four of us contending. Each is given a token to represent our candidacy. Something akin to a family relic. There can only be one applicant..." Rayia trailed off, letting the import of her words hang in the air.

"...Yet, in all likelyhood, I will have to go back at some point." Rayia said, shifting uncomfortably at the thought. "Mother already has trackers searching for me. But more importantly, if they attempt the pacification of the Nexus without my token, the consequences will be dire. I just don't know what to do. I was just a scared kit running away from home when I left. I don't even know if I can face my people again."