Scherezade Had a Thousand Tales, and This One Might Be about Betrayal

[Scherezade deWinter]

"I don't have a proper family!" she screamed at him when he went on again about her ancestral home planet. She was tired of hearing how wrong she was about everything, how it wasn't worth to bother with, how it was all wrong! She didn't care about the Darkness conversation anymore. There were bigger fish to stab. "Stop trying to make me not care about my home planet! I've had enough things ripped from me in the last month, do not, DO NOT try to take that away from me too!"


[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

And of course she started screaming at him. He wasn't trying to make her "not care" so to speak. He just wanted her to not feel as horribly about not, in her eyes, being able to go back. That and he'd just been honest with her regarding his opinions. He stopped when she started screaming, and then just shrugged his shoulders, giving a silent "okay" with that.

He would let out a sigh and rest back against the grass as he looked out at the lake. "I never got to say thanks, by the way" He remarked. "For Zeltros. You likely very well saved my bacon in giving me time to recover. Makes me wonder why you consider yourself weak though, you handled yourself well even while intoxicated."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

She was still screaming, still riled up, when Josh took a sharp turn and suddenly changed the subject. Her jaw hung open, the surprise all too easy to see on her face. He was thanking her? Was he trying to catch her off her guard?

Now she was frowning with anger.

"I had... Thirty seconds, maybe a minute, of battle clarity," she said, realizing that she wasn't angry anymore, she was just confused. His poking at subjects was like pulling a rug underneath her feet. She was unbalanced with the way he was talking to her. It made her want to show him what his kidney looked like. "... maybe thirty second of the Scherezade I was before I broke. Only before that it wasn't for only thirty seconds, it was for entire battles. But now... It's gone. I can't call it. I can't keep it up. And when it's over and I'm easier to kill than a headless chicken."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"Yeah, I noticed that. I had to cover for you after" He pointed out. "But you still called it. Temporarily but you did. Maybe if you started putting in effort to train again and weren't drunk every minute of the day, you'd fight that way all the time. I don't even know how you do it. How do you even afford all that alcohol?" Josh would ask.

"Your tolerance must be so high at this point, does it even do much for you anymore?" He asked. "Not that you act like any drunk person I know. It's almost like 90% of the time, you're just sober but cranky."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

How could she afford all that alcohol? "I stopped buying bacta," she admitted, "I have enough left... For maybe one last dunk, if things come to that. And then it's finished. Everything else goes on the cheapest liquor I can find, and sometimes I find ways to foot the bill on the Confederacy. And most of the time I sip every few minutes. It... It draws the duration of the bottle out. And I'm not spending money on food anyway so it balances out. Sorta."

Did it even do much for her anymore? She nodded. "I think too clearly without it," Scherezade tried to explain, "everything hurts more. Conclusions are drawn faster. Pain comes... Much quicker, much deadlier. The liquor doesn't stop it, not really, but it slows it down a tons."

And I don't know what drunk people are supposed to act like. I was only drunk once before... Before this thing started. And it was with Gerwald. And it was happy drunk, and free drunk, and feeling the world spin sort of a drunk where you just want to hug an cuddle and do things with your body and the other person's body and stuff."

And that... That had been the night she'd told him how she felt about him. The night she had been so terrified that she had ruined everything. And Gerwald had told her he was drawn to Katrine, but then he made her promises, and he kissed her, and he held her on that bathroom floor. They spent another day and a half together after that, and then Gerwald joined her on the mission to Melida/Daan. And then... Then step by step, everything went to the chitters.


[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

She stopped buying bacta?

He stared at her, legitimately looking horrified in that moment. She had stopped buying bacta, her, a member of the CIS and a Sith, for cheap drinking money? "You know this kind of thinking is why people stop drinking" Josh remarked, referring to his mistake of almost putting Scherezade to sleep earlier. "It makes you do dumb things. Like throw common sense out the window. Tug on Space Man's cape. Stop buying bacta for drinking money. Or almost putting someone to sleep who literally shouldn't or the darkness boogeyman will show up."

Then she started smoochy goochey talking about Gerwald again and he just let out an exasperated sigh. She might just be the most overreactive lovesick teenager after a breakup he'd ever met.

"Perhaps it's time to try to face the world without it?" He suggested. "It's a challenge I plan to undertake, after realizing what I almost did to you when my mind was clouded. Sure, pain sucks. But it can be overcome, right?

We can always try to overcome this challenge together, I suppose, if you'd like."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

Scherezade shook her head wildly. How could he propose she stopped? She'd just told him what happened when she wasn't under the effect of the liquor! It was just like the sleep thing all over again; her explaining why she couldn't do something, and him deciding it was a good idea to not do it anyway.

"It's like you haven't been listening at any point during any of our meetings," she almost spat back at him, "it's not stopping. I can't handle it. I don't know how to make it stop. Don't you think I would've by now if I'd thought of a way?! Do you think I like being like this?!"

Circles. They were going around in circles. Again and again and again an again.

"It's still as raw an as painful as the night it happened," she gasped, pulling her knees back to her chin, hiding her face in them, "it hasn't lessened, Josh. Not by an ounce. I can't handle it."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"No, I heard you perfectly clear" He spoke calmly as he looked her in the eyes. "Yeah, it's not going to be easy. But the fact is, Scherezade, you can't continue to go on like this. Furthermore, you're clearly an alcoholic and I'm starting to think part of this is your addiction that is making you feel this bad when you are sober. You're having withdrawals and it's drawing out your pains more.

The fact is, you're making decisions, both physical and financial, under the effects of alcohol that are going to kill you eventually. The fact you stopped buying bacta for drinking money is a pretty serious indicator of how dangerous this has gotten" Josh would scold, his tone calm but firm still. He wasn't making jokes anymore. Scherezade was going to die at this rate.

"The fact is, yeah, the pain is what it is. And that's not going to go away the way you're going, whether you're sober or drunk. But all drinking and trying to numb it all the time is doing, is just making things worse for you. Even I didn't do it this badly. But you... You're going to die, Scherezade. Either from alcohol poisoning, untreated wounds from a lack of bacta, or everything you're doing put together, not eating, not sleeping, overly excessive alcohol consumption... You're going to die. And what happens then, huh? Do you think it's going to make what Gerwald and Katrine did not happen? Do you think it's going to make the pain go away?

Because you're wrong. You're karking wrong."

He was scowling at her now, his tone becoming less gentle as he admittedly had found himself getting a bit angry at her.

"You dying won't take the pain away. It'll just put it on somebody else. It'll put it on someone who cares about you.

It'll just put it on me" He growled low. "Is that what you want? To take all the pain you had and put it on me? Do you want me to have to carry that for the rest of my life? Because that's the karking direction you're going in."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

He was wrong again. He was wrong again about everything. She didn't have withdrawal symptoms when she stopped drinking. She'd looked it up; withdrawal symptoms made both mind and body hurt. But when she didn't drink, her body loved it, and her mind worked faster, sharper, clearer. It was her soul that hurt, hurt more than when she did not. What was lack of food, or sleep, or bacta, compared to the pain that would not stop thudding, ripping her from the inside with every breath, hounded her mind until there was barely any of it left?

Besides, who'd care if she died? All the people she thought cared ended up not. It would be a CIS sponsored funeral with a handful of people pretending to be sad about it and then forgetting about it five minutes later. If she finally managed to die, there would no longer be pain. There would be nothing. She would finally be who she truly was; a nothing.

But then...

Scherezade's face shot up from her knees when Josh claimed it would put the pain on him, that he would be the one to have to carry it for the rest of his life. There was not enough alcohol in the 'verse to make her not understand the meaning behind those words. She wanted to pretend she hadn't noticed it, but she couldn't. Her face was wet again and she breathed hard, her lungs gasping for air.

"I told you not to," she finally found her voice. It was broken, it was weak, it was small. But it didn't matter. "I told you, not to love me. You agreed."

She had to get up. She had to get away from there. She had no such feelings to return to him. If Josh died, she would be saddened, but she would not carry it for the rest of her life, not the way he described he'd be carrying it if she were to die.

Her knees shook violently as she finally pushed herself up from the grass, the bottles of liquor all flying with surprising ease into her hands. She had to find her ship and go, disappear, vamoosh into somewhere where no one could find her. She couldn't stay here.


[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

And of course she jumped to conclusions again and what seemed to be becoming the usual behaviour of Scherezade went on. As she got up to leave, he stared at her a moment, admittedly a little more surprised than he should be that she'd go this far.

"There is a deep care, yes" He admitted honestly. "But I wouldn't classify it in a romantic light akin to what Gerwald did, or pretended to, or whatever."

Probably "pretended to" considering the evidence. Then again, Gerwald's "It has always been Katrine" line brought a foul taste to his mouth.

Either way, while he had considered whether it was love or not, it didn't feel like it was. Until it hit him or it didn't... He was going under the idea that it was not. But she had jumped to conclusions, assumed that any level of deep care was automatically romantic love. Either she was uneducated, or narrow-minded and arrogant. He wasn't sure which. "I don't need to want you in bed to be hurt if you died" He pointed out bluntly.

But her reaction made a few things clear to him. First of all, that she'd probably get over it quickly if he died. That was a bitter pill to swallow, but it had been a suspicion even if he wanted to think better of her. She didn't care to the level he did... And maybe he should have expected that too. He was foolish to develop and give her that level of care, that level of trust. But the thing that hurt the most was that she was so willing to just... Vamoose. Leave just like that. And odds are, considering the circumstances, never return. That she was willing to ditch him so easily hurt the most.

Perhaps it was time to take a step back, match her for what she had presented in regards to their relationship. That wouldn't be easy, but... Perhaps it was time to prepare for the inevitable that she would leave too. Either now, or later. They always did. He didn't know why he had thought she would be different.

It wasn't a fact of life that everyone always leaves... It was just a fact of his.

His eyes dulled as he would return to facing the lake. Regardless of whether she left or not, he would remain here awhile. Naboo relaxed him. It was home.

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

He had to anwer back. Of course he did. He never lacked for words, even when she did. It was infuriating. And he mentioned Gerwald again.

Scherezade groaned and turned around, almost losing her balance in the process.

"Who said anything about romantic?!" she shot at him. If her balance was less off, she would have grabbed dirt again and throw it at him. All she had in her hands were her bottles. She couldn't waste them. Instead she waved a hand, using the Force to fling a pile of grass into his face. It'd only hit if he didn't move.

"I didn't say romantic love when we were in that bathroom, Josh," Scherezade continued, still angry, "I said love, not in love. It's a big word. It includes romantic, but it's not limited to it."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

It seemed he had been wrong in some juncture. When she would clarify, he just turned his head a bit to stare at her with dull eyes, lacking in the emotion they held before. Indeed, they had been going around in circles. He looked the same miserable way he had when he had arrived. It had faded away for a bit with her company, but... Now he was back to the same miserable place he had been. He would hold out an arm to keep the grass from getting in his face this time, but the motion was so unenthusiastic that it was a surprise that it had been effective at all. It wouldn't have blocked anything more then grass.

"Then okay" He spoke quietly. "Carry on with what you were doing. It won't be anything new to me. I was stupid to think maybe that would change."

He looked back to the lake then, trying to steel himself for it. The pain was there though, as much as he tried to conceal it. He wanted to reach out to her, tell her that he didn't want her to go. Didn't want her to leave, didn't want to lose her. And the more that went through his head, the harder it became for his presence to conceal it. He hurt. He hurt a lot. It was a wellspring of pain and suffering, and resignment to what he felt to be the inevitable. And yet the biggest thing he could think about still, was ensuring she might still have some hope for happiness for herself, as he would say one last thing, though without looking at her.

"Just remember when you go. Everyone leaving isn't a fact of life... Just a fact of mine. You'll find others. I know you will."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

She wanted to scream at him. To yell at him. To pull his hair out. She wanted to shove his words right back into his mouth and make him regret saying so many of them wrong. She was about to do that too, when she felt it.

Scherede staggered back a step as the pain radiated from Josh, a gasp escaping her lips. It was pain that she understood, pain that she knew so well.

He was wrong again.

Scherezade slumped forward. The distance between the wasn't great. She'd only advanced a few steps earlier, something that was all too easy to close now.

Her face was already wet when she touched Josh, when her arms came around him to hug him from behind. There was no malice in her movement, no indication that she meant to stab him or cause him harm.

All she did was just hug him, and sob loudly into his back.


[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

He closed his eyes, just trying to tear himself away from all this, trying to hide from the pain he was feeling. She would be gone, and he would be left with yet another hole in his heart. Another void he couldn't fill, another-

He felt her hug him from behind and his eyes widened. He turned his head a little to stare at her in surprise. He could hear - feel - her crying, and he would lower his head. He didn't understand her, he didn't understand any of this. His emotions were all over the place and he'd already let so much of it out today, just trying to cope, just trying to escape it all. He was tired of hurting, he was tired of being hurt, he was tired of everything that had been happening. He just wanted to break down and cry, but...

Instead, he leaned against her, just remaining quiet as he let her cry, relaxing against her embrace. He didn't want to say it, but he needed that embrace, that comfort right now. Everything was just... Everywhere. And he didn't know how much longer he could deal with it all. He was just... Sick and tired of being sick and tired. This emotional rollercoaster had taken so much out of him. He didn't know what to say, what to think. Instead he just found himself sobbing. He tried to hold it back, but everything had hit him all at once again today, and he just... Couldn't hold it in anymore.

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

[Annnd End Scene]