Popo
I'm Sexy and I Know It
Alright. Been spending the evening sitting and watching TV, cuddling with my pitbull, and enjoying the wonderful plague I have. Also been thinking.
I'm not the same Popo that came to the board from the wastes and horrors of TGC. I think I've known that, but I never really... got it. It didn't click. That, or I subconsciously failed to recognize it. Until today, that is. [member="Tefka"] booted me from an OOC discussion thread and rightfully so with a broad statement that may or may not be directed at myself and/or others causing problems in the thread and around the thread's IC counterpart: Drama Queen.
It really made me sit back and think about that statement. At first, I kinda just went "Haha, Tef's just being Tef and being fair and stuffs and etc. etc. etc." but then I sat back and really thought about it. Eventually, I realized I... really was being one. Maybe not the worst one there ever was, but its hard to miss a gigantic Hutt making a ruckus. It made me think about my thought processes and my actions.
Occasionally, I'd question what I'm doing or what I'm saying, but would often shove it to the side and justify it to myself. I'd tell myself that I was mostly in the right or that I was doing the right thing or that I was doing something on behalf of others that could not or would not say what needed saying. I think it's time for me to realize that the entire time I was playing vigilante for myself, not for others. Did some folks egg me on on occasion? Sure. We all have friends that will do that on occasion. But that doesn't make it... right. Or fair. Were my points spot on? Usually. Was I stating blatant facts? Often. Was my methodology correct and my execution of methods, facts, and attention correct or polite? Not always.
I think the term "downward spiral" is the phrase I'm looking for. I know why, I just don't think I drew the line from cause to effect. Didn't connect the dots and... well, now I'm apologizing for it.
I could go on and on about why this and who that and woe is me, but I'm just gonna give it to you straight with minimal background. I'm stressed as hell from lots of different areas and, with being fairly sick (I think I'm headed towards bronchitis from the feel of it), it's become... far more evident to me.
For those that don't know me well, I work on an ambulance. I drive grandma to and from dialysis clinics and occasionally I pick up some poor schmuck from the hospital, nursing home, or home and take them some place because they and their family can't transport them. EMTs hate being called taxi drivers, but... pretty much its what I do. That said, it's a lot of responsibility. My job is driving. That's all I do because my permanently assigned partner, [member="Captain Larraq"],has too many DUIs is the Attendant in Charge (he's technically my supervisor in a way). When we have a patient, I'm responsible for his life, the life of our patient, the lives of the other drivers around us, the ambulance, and my own life. I've been doing it for two years in the private sector plus a while with rescue services. The weight of that responsibility doesn't change, it just... you kinda forget it's there, but not really. Not sure if that explains it.
A few months ago, our company changed hands. Our new boss got folks going, got the company back on track, and got patients on our schedules. Since August, Larraq and I have been working, on average, 10 hours of overtime a week. Sometimes its more, sometimes its less. For most of the day lately, within the past few weeks or so, we're run ragged for... around 6+ hours straight. No breaks, no bathroom, nada. It was never this bad, but it's getting better, just slowly. Toss in family finance issues and a few other stressors and you can kinda see why it doesn't take much to set me off.
I'm sure Larraq will pop up and say I'm overexaggerating or, more likely, over explaining, but it is what it is and I am what I am. Can't really help it, just like he can't help that he's a pain in the ass 90% of the time lol
Long and short, I just wanted to pop up and say I'm sorry for... well, flipping out at the drop of the hat, causing problems in a general sense, and more or less being an angry Hutt. I've known I was doing it, but never really figured out that it wasn't the right way of doing things. Now that I know, I can work on it.
This isn't one of the usual and typical announced cycles of transgression followed by apology followed by transgression type deals. I'm not popping up and going "I'm leaving until I can get my poodoo together and come back" kind of things. I'm not the type of person who can really do that. Just not my personality type.
What I'm saying is I'm gonna slow down what I'm doing. Get my head together on the job, so to speak. Going and sitting and thinking just... drives me nuts. I'm the guy who gets fidgety after two days off in a row. I need to work through it and... I'd like you guys' help.
If you see me pulling an angry Popo, just drop me a line on skype or by PM and tell me, please. I won't get mad, I promise. Tell me to chill or to sit in the corner a bit or grab a smoke or have a cookie and calm down some. Unless someone has legitimately run my grandma over with a car, I'll more than likely chill out.
It doesn't even have to be the older members of the board, either. I want new blood to call me out, too. Just 'cause I've been here longer doesn't mean I'm the Premium Member. Doesn't mean I hold a special club card that lets me have a higher status.
Like Tefka's blog states, we all started somewhere. We all started small. If we lose that, if we fail to grasp that we, too, were the little fish in a big pond at one point... Well, I don't know how others feel about that, but for me it feels like I failed myself and my fellow RPers somehow. Like I let someone down. Getting worked up over an RP, even if understandable and legimitely a big problem, is forgetting where we all started. Or, at least, that's how I see it.
So, in short, I apologize for my behavior lately and I'm gonna be taking it easy for a while. Also, if you see me getting worked up or upset or angry, even if someone is breaking rules left and right, pull me aside and tell me to chill, please.
I'm not the same Popo that came to the board from the wastes and horrors of TGC. I think I've known that, but I never really... got it. It didn't click. That, or I subconsciously failed to recognize it. Until today, that is. [member="Tefka"] booted me from an OOC discussion thread and rightfully so with a broad statement that may or may not be directed at myself and/or others causing problems in the thread and around the thread's IC counterpart: Drama Queen.
It really made me sit back and think about that statement. At first, I kinda just went "Haha, Tef's just being Tef and being fair and stuffs and etc. etc. etc." but then I sat back and really thought about it. Eventually, I realized I... really was being one. Maybe not the worst one there ever was, but its hard to miss a gigantic Hutt making a ruckus. It made me think about my thought processes and my actions.
Occasionally, I'd question what I'm doing or what I'm saying, but would often shove it to the side and justify it to myself. I'd tell myself that I was mostly in the right or that I was doing the right thing or that I was doing something on behalf of others that could not or would not say what needed saying. I think it's time for me to realize that the entire time I was playing vigilante for myself, not for others. Did some folks egg me on on occasion? Sure. We all have friends that will do that on occasion. But that doesn't make it... right. Or fair. Were my points spot on? Usually. Was I stating blatant facts? Often. Was my methodology correct and my execution of methods, facts, and attention correct or polite? Not always.
I think the term "downward spiral" is the phrase I'm looking for. I know why, I just don't think I drew the line from cause to effect. Didn't connect the dots and... well, now I'm apologizing for it.
I could go on and on about why this and who that and woe is me, but I'm just gonna give it to you straight with minimal background. I'm stressed as hell from lots of different areas and, with being fairly sick (I think I'm headed towards bronchitis from the feel of it), it's become... far more evident to me.
For those that don't know me well, I work on an ambulance. I drive grandma to and from dialysis clinics and occasionally I pick up some poor schmuck from the hospital, nursing home, or home and take them some place because they and their family can't transport them. EMTs hate being called taxi drivers, but... pretty much its what I do. That said, it's a lot of responsibility. My job is driving. That's all I do because my permanently assigned partner, [member="Captain Larraq"],
A few months ago, our company changed hands. Our new boss got folks going, got the company back on track, and got patients on our schedules. Since August, Larraq and I have been working, on average, 10 hours of overtime a week. Sometimes its more, sometimes its less. For most of the day lately, within the past few weeks or so, we're run ragged for... around 6+ hours straight. No breaks, no bathroom, nada. It was never this bad, but it's getting better, just slowly. Toss in family finance issues and a few other stressors and you can kinda see why it doesn't take much to set me off.
I'm sure Larraq will pop up and say I'm overexaggerating or, more likely, over explaining, but it is what it is and I am what I am. Can't really help it, just like he can't help that he's a pain in the ass 90% of the time lol
Long and short, I just wanted to pop up and say I'm sorry for... well, flipping out at the drop of the hat, causing problems in a general sense, and more or less being an angry Hutt. I've known I was doing it, but never really figured out that it wasn't the right way of doing things. Now that I know, I can work on it.
This isn't one of the usual and typical announced cycles of transgression followed by apology followed by transgression type deals. I'm not popping up and going "I'm leaving until I can get my poodoo together and come back" kind of things. I'm not the type of person who can really do that. Just not my personality type.
What I'm saying is I'm gonna slow down what I'm doing. Get my head together on the job, so to speak. Going and sitting and thinking just... drives me nuts. I'm the guy who gets fidgety after two days off in a row. I need to work through it and... I'd like you guys' help.
If you see me pulling an angry Popo, just drop me a line on skype or by PM and tell me, please. I won't get mad, I promise. Tell me to chill or to sit in the corner a bit or grab a smoke or have a cookie and calm down some. Unless someone has legitimately run my grandma over with a car, I'll more than likely chill out.
It doesn't even have to be the older members of the board, either. I want new blood to call me out, too. Just 'cause I've been here longer doesn't mean I'm the Premium Member. Doesn't mean I hold a special club card that lets me have a higher status.
Like Tefka's blog states, we all started somewhere. We all started small. If we lose that, if we fail to grasp that we, too, were the little fish in a big pond at one point... Well, I don't know how others feel about that, but for me it feels like I failed myself and my fellow RPers somehow. Like I let someone down. Getting worked up over an RP, even if understandable and legimitely a big problem, is forgetting where we all started. Or, at least, that's how I see it.
So, in short, I apologize for my behavior lately and I'm gonna be taking it easy for a while. Also, if you see me getting worked up or upset or angry, even if someone is breaking rules left and right, pull me aside and tell me to chill, please.
