The Clinging Fire
He had been sneering on the sidelines. Sat at some mid-height stonewall governing the walkway, Tyger Tyger watched the people transition in and out of the Cultural Exchange. He hadn't really planned on being here, but the Force had a way of not really caring about that kind of thing. A fly in a web, the bounty hunter acquiesced to the lack of control inherent in this experience, instead petitioning a name for some sort of guidance through it.
"Leia," he murmured, standing.
No, not that one. A different one, unique to Milo's own personal lore – an orphan he rescued from a sort of demigod of murderers, but not before she lost an arm. Not before she had forsaken the desire to speak. In the years that would pass, Milo would eventually come to know her voice, but not for very long – not for nearly as long as he went without it.
"I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing here." A confession. He adjusted his jetpack, the armor in which it rested, and shifted his gaze from right to left, left to right, searching the others for some sort of clue as they moved through the stalls with their own self-determining motors. He tried to join them.
"Not in an existential way, but…what do I actually do? Browse? Shop? What am I looking for?" That last question was almost a plea, its weight unexpectedly cumbersome upon delivery.
"Daddy!," he heard a kid shout from the crowd. Tyger Tyger's eyes found her in the Night Market, then traced her eyeline to the man she was addressing, presumably her actual father.
Memories rushed in from every angle, and while Leia hadn't actually been Milo's daughter, that simple fact was difficult to parse as he remembered their day at the Arceneau Trading Expo, however many years ago. The butcher's stall that brough her to tears. The pranking of the robot. The split of some ice cream on the bench, and that fated agreement to become vegetarians.
His not-a-daughter was the missing piece here, but Milo tried not to think about that.
He tried not to think about her, at all, and so, he thought about her all the time.
Tyger Tyger would see the mom or aunt or whoever join the family before he tore his eyes free, submerging into the mass of sentience that was the Night Market.
"As a kid, I would watch these holos where the spook would walk into these expensive vistas and nightclubs, with missions to extract intel from beautiful women, or murder the occasional odd-looking, sentient garbage…fund-raising for the Alliance, etcetera..."
Leia's inability (or unwillingness) to speak made the lack of response just familiar enough to be comforting, even if now it was due to her absence. This one-sided dialog, in fact, had become a surrogate for the internal monologues Milo had always been too physically present in life to perform. The fact that it left him audibly conversing with ghosts – in public, no less – was inconsequential to him.
Buried beneath a name and legacy that wasn't even his, this discourse was perhaps the only way he had come to know himself at all.
"But when I actually started doing stake-outs in those places…the luster wasn't there. It only took three visits before you realized, just like any old dive in any old town, that it was always the same people showing up every week, looking for something, never finding it."
Tyger Tyger approached a food stall – some sort of fungus or vegetable on a stick. The vendor regarded him dubiously. The bounty hunter matched his gaze, peering through it, his mind the furthest place from here. The merchant offered up one of his products.
"Just as lonely, but somewhere beautiful…made ugly by the routine. Tragic by the implication."
Tyger Tyger responded by holding up two fingers, unwilling to disrupt his letter to nobody. The vendor addressed the difference with an additional foodstick, to which Milo would pay accordingly, then detach, making his way over to the ceremonial dance.
"I guess it never occurred to me how inherently social tradecraft is, bounty hunting is, assassination is. After a life of running and hiding, some sort of final, elaborate ritual by which two isolated mal-adjusts can feel somehow connected at a party. Or at least, invent a reason to even be there. ISB creeps were always that brand of karking weird..."
Overlooking the descending stairs into the dance area, he felt underwhelmed. The people looked lovely, and the decorations did their work, but the magic was inaccessible to him. The stage, set for the performance, held all the wonder of a theme park show playing at the top of the hour, every hour.
"…I think I figured, that one day, I would finally crack open and the world would rush in and fill up all the empty spots. But all I ever got was older."
As if on cue, Tyger Tyger arched his back, uncomfortable under his armor. He could hear the increasingly familiar questions bubbling to the surface, wondering if there would ever be a time when he could get away with leaving the gear in the Far Star locker and just moving around the universe that much lighter.
Milo recalled, she said before she left, "That spider that rides you around -- You don't think I can see it, but I always could." This wasn't the first time she had mentioned this kind of thing. In fact, she drew pictures of it when she was younger; a byproduct of the traumatic conditions from which Tyger Tyger had rescued her, he wagered. "It's got its venom in you, and you're dying a little more every day."
"We're all dying," he responded, paradoxically thinking he was being clever when he knew in his heart he had no idea what she was talking about.
"No," she said, "Most of us are living."
Leia would have been 15 years old at the time, but Milo remembered her as 10. He would always remember her as 10.
Tyger Tyger pulled away from his mind to find he had sat down on one of the outer rings of the audience seating, munching thoughtlessly on his fungus-on-a-stick.
But the distraction of eating was over all too soon; and Tyger Tyger found himself sitting there, holding the excess foodstick like a bouquet of flowers for a date that never came.
"Maybe that's why, despite how much I hate all of this…I couldn't really give it up."
He sighed, reclining back in his seat to watch the other mingle from afar.
Milo had no idea where Leia was now, but he hoped with everything that she was, indeed, still living.
Because it sure didn't feel like he was.
| Outfit: xxx | Tag: OPEN |
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