Private Meeting the Noble Sword

[Lily Decoria]

Outfit: Training gear
Tag: Valery Noble

Her body was limp as it flew back, she barely noticed the Force cushioning her. Her focus was on her breathing. She was shaking slightly as her mind rushed around with thoughts that grew in despair more and more. Was she wildly out of control? A monster that would only ever do more harm than good? It was a lot for her to take on as she breathed out slowly, her muscles were clenching and twitching as anxiety coursed its way through her. It was the one time that she wished she was home on Eshan, she always found her bed comforting, warm and soothing in smell. Coruscant wasn't anything like that it was all new and scary and dangerous in her mind.

At first Lily didn't answer the Jedi Master, not on purpose. Her words were stuck inside her, she didn't know what to say or how to express it. All she knew was she was dangerous and could still be very dangerous. Lily's gaze focused on the extended hand, normally something she would take and rise back stronger but she was a monster. Wasn't she? She didn't know if she reached forward that she would blast the Jedi Master with the Force like she had to her friend on Eshan.

Shifting backwards, Lily shook her head, "I...I....I..." She swallowed hard, attempting to control the stammering and racing heartbeat. "I... I am a monster...." Lily breathed out slowly, unsure if she could say anything more.

"What if I had killed someone? You must take this away from me!" Lily called out, she felt cursed, a dangerous, deadly monster that was going to kill someone if she wasn't taken out. This had proven that, her mother was correct, she wasn't a Jedi.

 

[Valery Noble]

Training Room

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Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Double-Bladed Lightsaber
Tag: Lily Decoria

The moment Lily stepped back and began to speak, Valery took a quick step forward and took her hand. Gently, but at the same time her eyes connected with the Padawan to tell her it's alright. A smile was offered, and with just a little bit of cooperation, Valery would pull her up to her feet before placing a hand on the woman's shoulder.

"You're not a monster," Valery said quite matter-of-factly.

"The Force is not something that can easily be taken away, and it shouldn't be done unless it's extremely necessary." She paused and looked her over for a moment with a careful smile.

"It's going to take time before you can control it. Every Jedi needs that time, or we'd all cause similar incidents. But that's why we train in places like this, and with others who are far more experienced. Nothing can happen to you, and you're not going to harm anybody."

"But you have to believe in yourself. I know you can do it, and your Master knows as well. That's why she decided to train you."

 

[Lily Decoria]

Outfit: Training gear
Tag: Valery Noble

"I could kill someone if I am overwhelmed in public." Lily stated as she rose to her feet. Pausing, instinctively she wanted to tidy her appearance, to sort her hair and fix it back into place. However, part of her knew that the more dishevelled approach made her appear more monstrous than the neat, formal woman that she was.

She swallowed hard, "I have nearly killed someone because of these powers that I had no true understanding of, I had an outburst while attempting to control the powers and you expect that I will believe things will improve? How can it if I am constantly at risk of harming people with sudden outbursts in the Force? What happens when I train, grow stronger in this Force and then suffer an uncontrollable outburst and kill someone?" Lily was doomsday spiralling, unable to think positively as she fixated on the fact she could do harm that she was unable to control the powers now and that would mean she was never going to truly be in control.

"You can't promise that I will never accidentally kill someone, you can't guarantee that my outbursts will never happen again as long as I train, all you can promise is that the people around here won't be harmed too much. Does that mean I have to be trapped here, never allowed to leave?" Lily asked directly, she could feel her heart racing, the fear and anxiety building in her as she wasn't sure what to do or what she could do any more. She was just scared.

Looking at the Jedi Master, "I know Master Briana is a smart, capable Jedi but I am broken, there is something wrong with me. I am the one failing this, not her."

 

[Valery Noble]

Training Room

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Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Double-Bladed Lightsaber
Tag: Lily Decoria

Valery frowned when nothing she said seemed to really change her mind, or at least give her hope. It was no easy issue by any means, but it also wasn't extremely uncommon for Jedi to struggle with control. "I can't make any of those promises, but you shouldn't need them. All Jedi are on a journey of learning, and all Jedi are susceptible to making mistakes that could harm people around them," Valery explained calmly.

"The Jedi life is not easy, there are risks and dangers, but even with your struggle over control, you can improve and overcome your obstacles. But all of it starts with a desire to grow and the right mindset to make it happen. If you convince yourself that you've already lost, then nothing you'll do will ever change that." Valery turned and pointed at the weights she had attempted to manipulate.

"When I look at these weights, I don't see failure. I see a genuine attempt to learn something new, and while it wasn't perfect yet, you were able to lift one and keep it afloat. Practice is important, but don't focus only on the things that went wrong," she said with a gentle smile. "You have it in you to be a Jed, but you have to believe in it. Stop calling yourself a monster because it discredits who you really are."

"For now, I do suggest practicing where it's most safe to do so, but that won't be here forever. But be realistic with where you are, and give it everything you have to take one step forward every day. That's the only way to make it work."

 

[Lily Decoria]

Outfit: Training gear
Tag: Valery Noble

"How can you cope with the fact that you have powers that could kill someone if you make a mistake?" Lily breathed out slowly, she was thinking of home and calming her breathing slowly, pondering the words of wisdom that Master Noble had to share with her. Lily wasn't sure how she felt about being connected to an ability that could kill if she wasn't super cautious about it all.

Looking at the weights, she was successful in lifting one of the weights, that was true. However, her assignment had been to lift several and stack them. In that regard, hadn't she failed? "But, I didn't... I didn't do the assignment as you requested. I failed to stack them." Lily protested, she did not want praise for doing a job halfway to completion.

"If I am not a monster, then what am I? Am I crazy, unstable, a lost cause? None of the other Padawans have Force based outbursts, none of them were sent here because they nearly killed someone." Lily shrunk a little, she felt so scared and vulnerable, the outburst in the Force had left her feeling raw in many ways and she wasn't sure what to feel but scared and self-loathing.

The training and practicing made sense and Lily knew it did but right now she couldn't look past the fact that she had an outburst just by attempting to train, how could she ever get better if she was constantly in fear of having Force based outbursts.

 

[Valery Noble]

Training Room

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Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Double-Bladed Lightsaber
Tag: Lily Decoria

"You have to learn to accept it," Valery said calmly. "Your connection to the Force is a part of you that you can't ignore, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to take steps forward."

On the topic of the exercise, Valery frowned again. "You're not listening to me. The point of this exercise was never to complete it perfectly. If you were already able to do that, then why would I ask you to? You don't pick up an instrument for the first time and expect to learn a complex piece of music instantly either, right? But you might start with the opening part of the song because it's easier, and build up your skill gradually until you can play it all." She looked at the weights again for a moment, before offering a gentle smile. "Learning how to control your Force connection is the exact same. You're setting expectations that no Jedi in history has ever been able to meet. You have to be okay with small steps."

But it seemed that offering advice kept having her go in circles. Despite it, Valery remained calm and nodded, "That's actually not true. My parents gave me up to the Jedi because of outburst that caused things to explode in the house. And do you know Kara Jade? She came to the Jedi for the exact same reason — she also had uncontrollable outbursts. It's very common. You're not a monster, a special case or a lost cause at all. The only person with that view on you is yourself, and that is why you're not making progress."

Valery paused for a moment and reached out to place a hand on her shoulder, "It's okay for this to not be easy, and for this to have risks to it. You're going to have to accept it if you want to change it."

 

[Lily Decoria]

Outfit: Training gear
Tag: Valery Noble

Lily looked shocked that it seemed so calm and casual to the Jedi to know they had every chance to do extreme harm with no ability to prevent it or control it. That terrified her to her core. It would be like someone having thermal detonators cocked to explode at any point and everyone was meant to be calm and normal around them. At least that was all Lily could picture in her mind of how she looked and must be like with the Force. Someone just ready to explode and cause harm to all those around here with no control on whom it might be.

"The exercise you were attempting to teach me was the meditative technique you knew. Not the skill of lifting weights." Lily cocked her head, she was confused now, "I am sorry Master Noble, I assumed that you were thinking I could handle the weights already and were wishing to teach me how to obtain the beginnings of Alchaka." That had been how Lily had interpreted the words that Master Noble had given before her outburst. It was clear now, with clarification that she was never meant to succeed in lifting all the weights and attempting to stack them, it seemed foolish looking at her desperate attempts in completing the task.

Feeling the hand placed on her shoulder, Lily's body instinctively stiffened and she could feel her muscles tighten as she was not prepared for the touch. It felt uncomfortable even though she knew it was there to comfort her, it was more that she was unaware it was coming and her body was not ready to handle such a touch. Awkwardly her body instinctively shifted away from the touch without thinking, she then looked up and felt her cheeks flush. "I am sorry, I know you are attempting to soothe my anxieties and fears Master, it was just I was not prepared for the touch..." Lily confessed, her breathing was soothing down as she understood that outbursts were not uncommon, they were not rare, she was just unfortunate in having them. But they did happen, even to those who would later become Jedi Masters.

"I appreciate the words. I am not trying to seek out a way to be special... I... I am just scared..." Lily confessed, "the last thing I want to do is hurt others, hurt innocent people, yet I still feel like there is a monster inside wanting to burst out and explode everything." Lily shivered as she thought about it. She was one who was unwilling to lose control so she wanted to keep an ironclad grip on the Force, even if that wasn't the way it worked.

She nodded her head, "I will try. Change has never been an easy thing for me. But not really got a choice in this it seems." Lily attempted a weak smile.