Hey there! I haven't been here very long, and I am pretty unfamiliar with you and your characters. With that being said, I mostly read your character bios and clicked around to threads at random. My feedback may be way off base, but at least it should be something to consider!
First, I think both of your characters have a really fantastic balance of strengths and weaknesses. A lot of writers struggle with giving their characters handicaps, but you seem to have avoided that trap. I'm especially intrigued by Maple's delusions. They must be a blast to write! And they made some of the posts I read quite unpredictable. Throwing in an element to keep the reader guessing is always a good choice. I love that Maple can be SO CLOSE, and then be affected by her schizophrenia. You're brave to tackle that sort of thing!
When it comes to writing quality, I think that, overall, you're an exceptional writer. Your posts flow well, and are easy to understand, even given Maple's condition. You obviously have a firm grasp on the English language! If I were to give one suggestion, it might be to make sure your posts don't get too list-like. I know first-hand how tough that can be, especially when you have a whole list of things that you need to accomplish in a single post. But in a few of the posts that I read, I was pulled out from the story when the actions were simply too jarring.
Here's an example:
Maple got closer to the Machine Gun nests, she readied her tranq gun, silently getting closer. She froze when one of the machine guns swiveled her way. She waited for it to pull. He'd probably seen a shimmer. She was about twenty meters from both down the passage. She began moving when it swiveled away. She fired, two quick shots using a center-axis-relock stance as the cloak didn't let her see the sights properly, that decloaked her temporarily with how fast she moved and dashed forward as the other guards noticed the knocked ones slumped over with darts in their necks. They panicked, one of them rushing to what looked like the girl's cell, fumbling for the keys, likely to kill her. The other two fired back at her as she dodged the slug throwers, using the Force to enhance her reflexes as she dropped to the floor, firing the short range dart, which hit one in the arm as she slid across the floor, another right in the chest, and managed to nail the last in the head just as he threw open the cell door to kill the girl with his rifle, screaming Die, witch filth as he did so, but the drug took effect before he could pull the trigger, and he fell backwards, asleep.
It's still really good storytelling, but the action gets a little stop and go, and I can't stay buried in the story. In this situation, I'd suggest one of two things. First, you could try inserting a bit more descriptive language. What did her heart sound like in her ears when she froze? What speed was she moving when the gun swiveled away (sneaking, or jogging to make up time)? What did the men look like when they panicked? Rather than saying "they panicked," you could describe the shouts they gave, their eyes widening, that sort of thing. I do like how you mentioned fumbling with the keys! I was always told to show, not tell. Of course, you don't want to do that for EVERYTHING, lest your post get
way too descriptive. There is such a thing as
too much of a good thing! But it might be worth thinking about when you have a good chunk of action like that. I do see improvement as this particular selection continues, and by the end, you're back to that great descriptive language!
The second thing you could do, which I think is easier, is vary your sentence structure. That selection is very "she did this, she did this, she did this, she did this." Something as simple as swapping the order of the sentence could help alleviate some of that. For example,
"she froze when one of the machine guns swiveled her way" could become
"as one of the machine guns swiveled her way, she froze." It puts the action first, and removes that unintended repetition. This can be easier to spot if you read your posts out loud!
This is nit-picky stuff - you're a great writer, with two totally awesome characters. But it might give you something to experiment with! Your posts are definitely enjoyable, and I think that if you're keeping constant communication with your partners, taking a while on posts isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Happy writing!
