Private Are You Serys-ious?

[Mi'la Undari]

Are you Serys-ious?​

Location: Yitabo, Cantina
Tags: Amani Serys
Sipping the hot liquid, Mi'la was able to take some relief from the conversation the pair were having. "You really think so?" She asked asked, hearing what Amani said, as a strange thought crossed her mind. She thought Sakadi didn't care about anyone, the master had always managed to be so...detached from others. Did she actually care?

Though she couldn't refute what Amani was saying, as that was really the only path ahead; clear and open conversation between the two. "Yea, I...guess I've been living two lives in that way, haven't I?" She mused, eyes flickering from Amani, to the cup in her hand. Sighing, her headtails relaxed, dropping off her shoulders and resting behind her head now. The tension and mood from earlier passed as she reasoned the worries away. Her eyes returned to Amani, feeling as if she was tip toeing around now. "So, Amani....what...really happened to you? I...your fall, and how you came out of it? I....when I was captured they...I almost caved, so..." She trailed off, hoping she hadn't crossed into a forbidden topic. "Sometimes, I feel like I'm not entirely myself anymore since I was captured, and that I never will be. I...I'm hoping that if you came to terms with it, then maybe I can too."

She only hoped that one day, she wouldn't feel like that anymore.

 

[Amani Serys]

“Sure. She wouldn’t have put in the effort if she didn’t actually care, right?” Amani shrugged. Her pushes seemed to be getting through to Mi’la somewhat, and for that she was glad. If anyone should understand that particular struggle, it was probably her, and in a way she was professing a solution to her own regrets and uncertainties that she was afraid to take on.

Living vicariously was always easier than facing your own problems.

It was inevitable that the conversation would come back to her, though. Amani took another sip, then drew out a long sigh. “When our grandmaster got kidnapped, I considered myself to blame for a long time. The only reason it happened is because she surrendered herself for my own protection.” She started with the brief summary, uncertain of how many details Mi’la had already been familiar with. “When the mission came to rescue her, and we failed again… the guilt became too much.”

“I had become obsessed with the idea that I was… too weak. And I had become obsessed with finding a way to circumvent that.” Her eyes set on Mi’la more directly now, “Everything spiraled out from there.”

“Eventually, I tried using what I had learned to give myself an in to the Empire. And with the help of a close friend, it actually worked.”

“...He died.” There was a much bigger story there that would frankly have been too confusing to get into on top of everything else. Especially now that he was, uh, not dead again. “I played double agent with the Sith for a while. But the dark side, it was… like an addiction. Trying to fight it felt like I was in a withdrawal. To be honest… I don’t think I would’ve been able to pull myself out if I hadn’t gotten lucky.”

“Eventually I learned where they were keeping the grandmaster, and I snuck in to break her out. I did, but by the time we were done, my connection to the Force just… shut off entirely. Like it couldn’t just keep going under the stress.”

The glaze over her eyes seemed to fade as the story came to an end, and she shifted in her seat before speaking again, “I won’t lie, it took a long time to come to terms with it all. Spent a long time just… trying to leave it behind. But I don’t think that really helped with anything. Just let the underlying pain fester. Which I guess is why I’m saying to go for it. All those doubts you have, do something about them. Don’t take the same path I did. In the end, I can respect where I’ve come to now, but… there’s a lot I wish I had done differently along the way.” The ends justify the means. That was what she had told herself anytime she doubted the mission. Perhaps the scariest part is just how well that mentality actually worked out for her. It felt like being rewarded for something evil.

She wasn't sure if she would ever be able to voice that part aloud, though.

Mi'la Undari​

 

[Mi'la Undari]

Are you Serys-ious?​

Location: Yitabo, Cantina
Tags: Amani Serys
Amani's words help her undo the knots within her gut, as Mi'la was able to rationalize what the woman had been saying. As Amani began to talk about her story, Mi'la gave the woman her full undivided attention She had only heard this story from a few sources, to hear it directly from Amani herself was something she had been wanting to for some time.

As she started her story, Mi'la realized that the events she spoke of she had been here for. The failed rescue of the Grandmaster had been where she had lost her duel to Void, where her entire adventure as a padawan had been derailed. How ironic was it, that such an event had such a large effect on both of their lives. This of course, she kept to herself, as she kept a calm expression as Amani talked, not allowing herself to react as the tale went on. The failings, the doubts, the inability to protect those she cared for. It was all there. Two paths, different takings. Amani had been reactive and fallen deep into a hole of her own actions, while Mi'la became crippled by her own self doubts and weaknesses. They had both managed to come back from it, learning along the way, but the suffering that had to be endured, she'd rather not wish another to endure it. Amani had tried to make the best of a bad situation, while Mi'la had just lounged in it. She felt a bit of shame of that, having given up on herself like that; but that was before she knew recover was even an option.

Though it all though, Amani's tale helped her realize that this was merely a step she was going to have to take to improve, and that the road for this was no where near as short as she initially thought. Mi'la wasn't entirely sure how to be supportive of the woman, though she tried to keep her eyes as judgement free as possible. If that was even possible she didn't know, but she did try.

When Amani finished, the knight nodded slowly, a small smile forming on her face. "I think there are many things we wish we could change. I was there when the grandmaster's rescue failed too, funny how that same event had such a profound effect on us. Not to make this about me, goodness no" She mused to herself, waving her lone hand as she tried to get back on topic.
"But, I think it proves that deep down, you have a passion that cries out for action. Good or bad, it's a thing. We all have things that need tempering, and even if we end up somewhere, where things turn out for the better....we paid a price to get there. Sometimes, we doubt that price but, we can't change it. We can't go back. We, are jedi, as users of the Force...we have to burden that responsibility. I..." She trailed off, taking her coffee as she broke eye contract. "Sometimes I forget about that, just view myself as a stone statue of jedi-ness. But you're right, I'm abusing myself by not addressing my doubts, my insecurities. Not very responsible of me, is it." She nodded to herself, as if the pieces clicked together. "Thank you for sharing this with me Amani, I...I needed to hear that." She said, managing an actual smile now.

She really hated it when everything made sense like this. Just a different prospective and it all made sense. Absolutely maddening.

 

[Amani Serys]

“Yeah…” She nodded, remembering Mi’la’s presence at the mission, “Not exactly the finest hour in Silver Jedi history, huh…” A chuckle. Despite it all, Amani was able to find a vestige of humor.

“Don’t mention it,” She smiled, “It took me a while to come to the same conclusion. We can’t learn everything about ourselves from a few thousand year old texts, right?” Her stubbornness had proven her weakness. A star pupil with a reverence for the Code that neared that of Orders past. She had loosened up over time, but not enough until it was too late.

The higher up you go, the farther you have to fall.

Amani took another sip of her drink, much less searing on the tongue, now. “So what’s next for you?”

Mi'la Undari​

 

[Mi'la Undari]

Are you Serys-ious?​

Location: Yitabo, Cantina
Tags: Amani Serys

It was nice that in spite of everything, they managed to keep part of themselves intact. Was it easy? Hell no, but they weren't emotionless husks. "The order has many, many failings the further back into the past you look, the Mon Cala invasion with that tentacle monster for example is...ghastly to say the least." Mi'la blinked in realization, trying to recall something. "In fact, I think it's a crime in some temples to bring up that debacle." She mused, recalling it vaguely. She shrugged it off, sure it was nothing. "No, believe it or not, ten thousand year old texts are in fact, not relevant to our current day affairs." She smiled, it was partly why she was driven so hard in her research work.

She was trying to find a middle ground, new ideas, something she could offer the order to ensure it wouldn't just waste away. As attempted another sip, and had just taken in a mouthful of caf when Amani asked for her next move. Rather quickly, Mi'la went to set the cup down, smiling. "I...think I'm going to try and take a padawan, someone that can teach me, as well as be taught. I'm going to keep moving I think, I'm not ready to go back to the order and swear to abide by them. That's...that's never been something I could seem myself doing. Jedi serve the force, not the order, you know?" She thought she sounded convincing, but she hadn't a clue honestly. "What about you? What's next for the terrific and mysterious Amani?" She smiled, taking another drink of her coffee.

She was rather curious what the woman was planning on doing.

 

[Amani Serys]

"Really? That's awesome," Amani smiled genuinely as she mentioned taking a padawan. It was a big step for master and apprentice alike, but a rewarding one. "You'll be great, I know it."

She laughed a bit at Mi'la's chosen descriptors, then paused to think of an answer. Her eyes blankly watched the swirling cup of liquid in front of her, "Uhh, nothing in particular. I've been working with the NJO to help clean things after Tython…" Her smile faltered for the briefest of moments at the reminder, before she continued undisturbed, "I don't know if I'm ready to be taking on a padawan yet. It's a big commitment. But… there's always work to be done, y'know?" Breaks were a rare commodity. She had to be reminded by moments like these to actually enjoy life a little bit.

Mi'la Undari​

 

[Mi'la Undari]

Are you Serys-ious?​

Location: Yitabo, Cantina
Tags: Amani Serys

MI'la gave a sigh and shook her head lightly in denial at the woman's words. "I have no idea how I'm going to be, honestly feel....stressed. I haven't even taken a student yet and I feel stressed! But, doubts are just a thing, you know? Just need to overcome them." She awaited Amani's statement to follow, of what the woman wanted to do, longed for. Though hearing that she was still trying to help the jedi order still. Something Mi'la had been avoiding for a time. Whatever happened on Tython, she had only heard tidbits of. "What exactly happened there? I know Kashyyyk, and something about Tython, but no one told me what really happened there." Mi'la spoke, frowning at the lack of info she had at hand. Maybe Amani could fill her in on the...'deets' as people said.

"Well, it is, but I think you can also help people with your wisdom. You have more knowledge than some masters I'd say, just from your experiences, some people never do that, much less learn what you have. So, keep that in mind." She smiled, nodding contently as she fiddled with her cup. She didn't blame Amani for reservations, heck, here she was just stressing on the idea of it.

 

[Amani Serys]

There were plenty of reservations to be had about taking on a padawan, but Amani seemed unconcerned for Mi'la. She'd see it soon enough herself, and given how the Twi'lek had expressed her doubts, she was already on the path.

"Tython…" Amani echoed, her tone dulling with the shift in subject matter. "Tython was attacked by the Brotherhood of the Maw. Some kind of plot to destroy the planet and, presumably uh, all of creation, I guess? In any case, it didn't work, but… didn't stop the planet from really getting beat down in the process." And understatement really. Tython was scarred by the battle that took place there. With an ecosystem so closely tied to the Force, entire regions were upended by calamitous natural disasters and large scale warfare. Not to mention the planet was now short a moon.

Mi'la's conpliment on her perceived wisdom returned Amani's demeanor to something a little less solemn, and she chuckled at the thought, "I don't know if that's true, but I appreciate it nonetheless," A shrug, "Maybe one of these days. I'm only just now getting my foot back in the door."

Mi'la Undari​

 

[Mi'la Undari]

Are you Serys-ious?​

Location: Yitabo, Cantina
Tags: Amani Serys

To Mi'la's shock, the tale that Amani told was something she hadn't been aware of. She knew something bad happened on Tython, but...destroying the planet? There were so many important historical sights on that world, sites that the Maw probably destroyed in their crusade of rage. It was a bit of a distressing thing for the Twi'lek. She sighed, shaking her head, drowning her woes in her next sip of coffee. "Maybe I need to head there next, see if there's anything that needs doing. Always something going to hell these days, how are we supposed to move on when we get things like this?" She mused, setting her cup down and tracing the rim of her cup.

She glanced up to Amani, managing a soft smile. "You've learned from your mistakes Amani, that's more than most people, knowing where you were wrong. Compare that to some jedi masters I know." She nods in agreement, before shrugging. "Take your time, you're young, I mean we both are. Plenty of time for adult things later on."

 

[Amani Serys]

"There's been a lot of relief efforts since the fighting ended. I'm sure they wouldn't mind the help if you can spare it." Amani had been pretty heavily involved in the immediate aftermath. This was one of the few opportunities she's had to even leave the Core lately.

"Sometimes I have a hard time believing that," The healer frowned a bit. She appreciated Mi'la's perspective, but adult responsibilities continued to pile on day after day. How much of a real childhood did she, or many other Jedi, even get to have? "Like you said, there's always something going to hell."

Mi'la Undari​

 

[Mi'la Undari]

Are you Serys-ious?​

Location: Yitabo, Cantina
Tags: Amani Serys

Seeing that she now had a new thing to fixate on, Mi'la gave a small sigh, rubbing one her Lekku's in annoyance. Not so much that she had things to do, but that she seemed to be missing out on so much all the time. It was gratting. "Then I suppose I'll make that a stopping point for myself at some point." She finished off the last of her cup, glancing to Amani as she seemed to downplay what she had undergone, which made Mi'la ponder why that was. Surely prying couldn't hurt, right? "What's so hard to believe? We're jedi, the Force enables us to live long lives and we can do so much with our older years that many can't." She explained, then paused, as if something crossed her mind. "Then again, I don't know when you began your training. I mean, I didn't start until I was eighteen years old, and some people....they start as a child. Can't even imagine that."

 

[Amani Serys]

"Sure, but do you think you'll want to be doing all those things once you're hitting sixty? Seventy? Older?" Amani shrugged, "I dunno, there's just a lot more factors at play in my life now than there used to be."

Conceptually, she understood the idea of taking more time for herself, as implied here. In practice though, that pretty much all went away as soon as things went south. Another problem to fix. Another person to help. She wondered if she could even stand by her own argument.

Still, helping people didn't mean having to swing a lightsaber until the end of her days.

"I started when I was eight…" Amani sipped from her cup, and when she said it aside a slight frown had overtaken her face. Younglings weren't quite as ubiquitous among Jedi Orders of the modern age as they were in ages past, but she wasn't the only one. Most of them coming from places without families, or willingly surrendered by their guardians."Didn't have parents anymore by then. Good thing there was a Jedi there to take me in." She almost sounded sour about the fact, but in truth she was grateful. The Jedi had given her a lot in those formative years.

But they couldn't give everything she needed. A monastic order was no true replacement for a normal childhood.

Mi'la Undari​

 

[Mi'la Undari]

Are you Serys-ious?​

Location: Yitabo, Cantina
Tags: Amani Serys

Listening to the woman, Mi'la nodded slowly in agreement. "I sort of figured I'd retire to a nice job as a librarian, or maybe as a watchman on a world that needs me." She explained, and began to ponder if her word were too foolish. Amani was right, swinging a lightsaber wasn't the only way to help someone. "I've just wanted to be able to stop what happened to me, being sold into slavery, it's terrible. The more instances of that I can prevent, the better." She nodded, feeling a tad better about her intentions, but perhaps Amani had a point.

She couldn't do it forever.

Then Amani spoke, stating how young she had been when she became a jedi, and Mi'la's expression dropped. The smile became a frown, only pondering at what the woman's loneliness might have been like. Mi'la couldn't even imagine. "But you feel like you've lost something due to it. Honestly, it's...not okay to take children in and train them, force ideas onto them, childhood is meant to be a thing of wonder and...." She stopped, figuring herself as coming off as too pleading and defensive of the order. "Then I entirely understand, and respect your decision. I'm just sorry you didn't get to have a childhood. I had one, but, it ended rather....horrible. But...there's nothing I can do to make that right. For myself, or you." She nodded, her Lekku's tightening around her shoulders.

She was so bad at talking to people. "If nothing else, I'm glad that you can be here with me today. If nothing else, at least believe that."

She had lost so many people already. If the rumors about Cas was true....she could only imagine how Sakadi felt, knowing her first student had fallen so far.

 

[Amani Serys]

"Not like I had a lot of other options, right?" Amani made an indiscernible expression, somewhere between disappointment and resignation. No extended family. No adoptive guardian. Nowhere else to go. At least the Jedi offered a place to stay, people to connect to. She had a childhood. Just not enough of one.

"Sometimes the galaxy isn't fair. Just have to… make do." Another shrug. It was the past, as painful as it had been. But she had to move on with what she had been given. There was no do-over. And to be honest, for the first time in a while, life had actually been on the up and up lately. In spite of the continued strife they faced.

Frankly, Amani both appreciated and respected Mi'la's admission that there was nothing that could be done to 'make it right'. It was refreshing, in a way; She didn't need to be offered a magic cure-all to feel like Mi'la genuinely cared.

"I'm glad you're here, too." Amani smiled, "Believe that."

Mi'la Undari​

 

[Mi'la Undari]

Are you Serys-ious?​

Location: Yitabo, Cantina
Tags: Amani Serys
Amani was right, they didn't have alot of options in this life. Even with all the choices she had made, Mi'la had realized long ago that she really didn't have much of a say in her own actions for most of her life, especially with the jedi. She was merely influenced to act and think within a thin grey line of morality, and told not to deviate from it. It was from that ordeal she had been so badly injured, all due to the mindset the jedi had instilled in her. But where were her fellow jedi when she needed them?

They had run off, all to preserve themselves, rather than the whole. It still hurt to think about.
"It is very much so, not fair." She agreed. "But in spite of that, we are alive, and content. Maybe happy some days, and that's better than many others."

She returned Amani's smile with one of her own, it was nice to feel like she was welcome somewhere. It was the absence of that feeling that lead her to flee not all that long ago. It was informing Mi'la, that perhaps, she truly had healed from her wounds. "Oh, I will. Thank you Amani." She tilted her head, smile beaming at the woman. "I have very much enjoyed your company. I do hope this isn't the last time your presence graces me, though I don't think it will be." She hinted, setting her empty cup down, rather content with how this meeting had gone.

 

[Amani Serys]

“And thank you,” Amani bowed her head in gratitude, then took one last sip of her cup before setting it down.

“I don’t see why it would be,” She concurred. The ‘grace of her presence’ bit got a slight chuckle, but otherwise the appreciation filled her with a warm feeling.

“Think that arm’s about done by now?” Her gaze couldn’t help but fall to her own left arm. Which, last Mi’la would have seen it, was definitely robotic. Now? Not so much.

Mi'la Undari​

 

[Mi'la Undari]

Are you Serys-ious?​

Location: Yitabo, Cantina
Tags: Amani Serys
"Oh, who knows. I could slip on a Geonosian Banana peel on my way to my ship." She laughed at the silly notion, but it was nice to know the feeling was mutual.

Returning the kind smiles between one another, Mi'la's eyes found the arm of the woman, and puzzlement fell upon her face. Far as she could tell, this was not synthetic flesh, it seemed almost real; but that couldn't be the case. Clutching at her own missing arm, Mi'la had to inquire. "I'm not sure if it's fixed, I mean it's a complicated piece of equipment, but...what model arm is that?" There was a bit of hope in the Twi'lek's voice, for nice as her arm was, she'd long to have actual flesh attached to her once again.

 

[Amani Serys]

The thought crossed her mind for a split second that Mi'la might have noticed the glance, sure enough the arm was brought up regardless.

At first, Amani seemed a bit uncomfortable about the subject, but made an effort to brush that aside and give her an answer, "The uh, flesh and bone kind?" She responded with an almost apologetic smile.

"It's cloned. Sometime after my robotic arm got damaged," At the rescue mission on Yavin, of course, "I ended up looking for alternatives. It was actually… part of that little descent I was talking about."

Amani had to remind herself that she'd told Mi'la about her fall, and that trying to ignore it wouldn't be fair. "…Partly Sith alchemy, too. B-but the arm itself has no actual Dark Side connections," She quickly assured. It wasn't hard to discern per se. The arm hummed faintly as a Force conduit, but there was no hint of corruption in its presence.

Mi'la Undari​

 

[Mi'la Undari]

Are you Serys-ious?​

Location: Yitabo, Cantina
Tags: Amani Serys
She only caught a hint of Amani's reluctance, and the Twi'lek immediately winced as she might have pushed a bit too hard on the topic. "Sorry, I just...I just realized that and-" She shook her head, cheeks flushing at her own foolishness. She was sensitive about how she had lost her own limbs, how could she not think that same familiar pain rang true to Amani? As the woman explained what it was, and the connection regarding it, Mi'la looked in a stupor. "Sith...alchemy? And it doesn't have any negative affect? No injury or anything?" That was an odd thing indeed, something of the dark-side that had no risk of corruption.

Sensing the limb on her own, Mi'la was stumped at this, recalling her own run in with familiar dark side advancements, and how it normally contorted and ruined another persons form. Glancing at her missing arm, she smiled slight. Maybe there was a way to get her limbs back. "If you don't mind me asking Amani, where...did you get this done at? I...I want what I'm missing back, and...if that's possible, maybe that's what I'll go after next." She really shouldn't be getting distracted by this, but it had long been a sticking point for her. For some reason, a conversation she had with Millia Korraay some time ago came to mind. She really wanted her arm and Lekku back, it would be a blessing to do so.

 

[Amani Serys]

“No,” Amani shook her head, “It amplifies my healing abilities. The only cost being that its… well, as fragile as a normal arm,” Usually, sith alchemy could bolster the resilience of something as well as its power, but that would have required a little more Dark Side to be involved. Which was, very specifically, not to be included

Mi’la asked of its origin, and Amani answered bluntly, “A Sith Lord. Wouldn’t recommend,” To be completely honest? Kind of a lie. Adrian Vandiir had been a surprisingly accommodating Sith benefactor. But she was under no circumstances going to suggest that Mi’la go down the same dark path she did. At the end of the day, he was still a powerful darksider, who no doubt held more sinister agendas than the proposal he had given her. There were cleaner alternatives, “Last I heard, he was dead anyway.”

“Try looking into cloning options if you’re certain about this. I’m sure you could find those who are able to perform that kind of operation besides Sith alchemists.” Amani shrugged, “If you want I can probably ask around and see what I can find. Like I said, spacer work has given me a healthy list of contacts, especially those in my field.”

Mi'la Undari​