Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

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Allyson Locke, Jedi Shadow - Corellian Ace

Going to try and reach out to everyone for some feedback on Allyson. She's been a character that I've written for some time now and have recently brought her back into the fray as I returned to Chaos only a few months ago. She's gone through some stuff dealing with returning to the galaxy after a long hiatus coping with her own personal issues. Upon returning, she dove headfirst into the GA and the fight against the Bryn'adul. It's only been a sprint for the girl, and she's going to keep sprinting!

I appreciate any feedback that you can give: What do you like about her? What do you want to see more of? If there are any critical moments of Allyson's story that you found pivotal? Anything and everything is accepted. I want to become better, and I want to be able to write Allyson to her full potential :)

I linked her bio just in case anyone is curious to read some of her stories and her stats <3 Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. I hope we can all write together soon.

Bio - https://www.starwarsrp.net/threads/allyson-locke.138856/ (Cuz I know on mobile the bio link doesn't show all the time)
 
if they're watching anyways
Allyson needs a shower. Look at that avi. Dirty girl.

On a more serious note -- we've discussed this before, but I think you should really dive into all that history Allyson has. You're at nine thousand posts! Allyson has gone through a lot, and it's always good to include little references and memories she has where you can.

Your style of writing/character dev is a little more different than mine, and in a way much more suited to the roleplay style. Giving Allyson room to live is really great. This is following the life story of a character and life doesn't always have a plan or good reason. Still, I think Allyson could use some goals to better focus and guide her own story. Growing the character out in a ton of different ways is awesome, but if you give it a central purpose or narrative -- even if in the end that purpose is not achieved -- it can make the whole story more coherent.

I've really loved writing with you, even though you've only been back for a little while. Your prose is solid and your posts are consistent. Keep doing what you're doing.

Allyson Locke Allyson Locke
 
I second what Auteme has said, pretty much.

Looking at your bio doesn't really give me much of an idea of who Allyson is, which isn't necessarily a bad thing (plenty of people focus exclusively on physical strengths/weaknesses rather than putting in character traits and personality flaws), but it does stick out all the more when I take into account that you don't mention events or characters from her past in your posts, not even just as a side thought in her brain that she doesn't verbalize or express to other characters. And yet you have nine thousand posts? What has Allyson been doing all this time? Where has she been, what has she seen? What has she had?!

On the other hand, you could use this carefully crafted blankness where her past ought to be to develop a certain mystique. Drop a hint here or there that calls back to something significant, just enough to tease the reader and make them want more... while at the same time not wanting to tear off the veil of mystery completely.

This can also work with her being a member of a rare, secretive species that most people have probably never heard of (and they wouldn't be able to tell that she isn't human just from looking at her). A thread where her heritage is brought to light for her unsuspecting friends/coworkers could be a good jumping off point to ignite that mysterious background.

Also, I demand that you mention the Ewok death cult we encountered during our trip to hell in her biography.

Allyson Locke Allyson Locke
 

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