Private A First Test

[Valery Noble]

New Cov

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Ship: Link
Weapons: Blasters | Lightsaber | Double-Bladed Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

"Gatz, I struggle switching channels on the holo-tv," Valery admitted with an embarrassed smile. "Your help in the control room was crucial for me getting those people out before the fire got to them. But... that's not all there is to it. This was your first mission during your time training with me, and you held up really well and showed nothing but Jedi bravery. With how little training you've technically had still, I wouldn't have beaten that beast either."

"There's no shame in that," she tried to remind him, but she knew that he'd see it differently. He hated feeling like he was holding her back, and if something like this happened — where she had to get him out to safety — he would always feel like he was just slowing her down.

She just wished he wouldn't be so harsh on himself.

"So I will not accept you calling yourself useless," Valery stepped forward again and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, though she was careful not to apply too much pressure. Not because she didn't want to comfort him, but because she worried he'd still be sore or feel pain because of her touch.

This hand on the shoulder was meant to gauge his response.

"I want you to continue your training with me, join me on more of these missions, and I can promise that you'll feel more useful each time."

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Blaster Pistol
Tag: Valery Noble

Gatz blinked at Valery, finally having turned his eyes toward her. She could pilot an X-Wing—a complicated spacecraft that required hours of reading and training to fly with any sort of skill—but she couldn't change the channel of her holo-tv. That didn't... but...

Gatz decided that he had to let that one go for now.

The rest of her spiel struck with something different than humor. He still didn't feel any pride over entering a password, but maybe it had made a small difference in the end. But Jedi bravery? All he'd felt was fear. All he ever felt was fear. Something that led to the Dark Side, and it was an all-encompassing part of who he was. He wasn't brave. He was a coward.

There was logic in what she said to him, Gatz knew. A creature like that... how was he supposed to have been able to stop it with just a blaster? With only the bare minimum of training required for a youngling to progress to Padawan? Most of his shots had uselessly dissipated against its thick hide. He just couldn't help but feel like a roadblock; like all he did was get in Valery's way. And just like always, he couldn't protect himself.

Being nearly twenty-five years old, and more defenseless than a Padawan learner... it was eating him alive.

Gatz opened his mouth to refute what she'd said, but that was when a gentle hand was laid on his shoulder. The painkillers he was on must have been some good shit, because he didn't feel an iota of discomfort. Only gentle warmth. And now, with no way to look at anything other than Valery, he forced his still watering eyes to look into hers, and nodded.

"I—okay." She refused to let him deride himself; to call himself useless. He still felt useless. But he would try to believe he wasn't.

But it was the insistence that he continue his training under her that surprised him the most. It wasn't that he expected her to toss him away. But the idea of training was something he had pressed her into, and it wasn't something he expected her to want to continue. He hadn't asked her to induct him back into the Order: he was pretty sure he didn't want that. He hadn't asked her to take him as her Padawan: he was pretty sure she didn't want that.

So why?

"You do?" Gatz questioned, and confusion was clear in his eyes, "...why? I'm scum, Valery. And every time I try to be more, I fail. Why do you waste your time on me?"

It was a question he'd had for a long time, now. Maybe it was time to finally get an answer.

 

[Valery Noble]

New Cov

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Ship: Link
Weapons: Blasters | Lightsaber | Double-Bladed Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

"To me, you only fail when you give up trying to be a better person," Valery said in response, and now that she noticed he wasn't hurt by her hand settling on his shoulder, she squeezed, but still very gently. "It's something even all Jedi should be focused on. Always trying to be better and to learn from mistakes or experiences." But even so, Valery understood the feeling of falling short as well. As a Padawan especially, she always wanted to prove herself and feel like she could make a difference on her own. That would have carried on way into her time as a Knight, if she hadn't been scarred.

Even now, she carried the mark on her face.

"You've shown me that even with these heavy setbacks that you're still wanting to try. That shows a strength of mind a lot of people lack. And that's why I won't give up on you or your training, for as long as you're giving it your all." So far, he has — he had even gone into this facility and stayed there after she had told him that he was allowed to head back out. So whether he wanted to acknowledge it or not, he was brave and willing.

That's all she needed.

"That said.... please do focus on your recovery first. Once the doc clears you, take some time to rest and we can pick up training when you feel better again. Until then, we can always focus on some less... demanding things."

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Blaster Pistol
Tag: Valery Noble

He was so tired. Failure after failure... it had a way of adding up, and taking a toll on a man's mind. He wouldn't stop trying to be better, even if it killed him—and it often came close—but with each passing crisis it became harder and harder to convince himself to try. Some days, it was hard to even convince himself to roll out of bed.

He was miserable. Gatz was trying to do the right thing, and he was utterly miserable.

Valery expected him to keep giving it his all, and he wanted to, but how much longer could he do this for? What happened when he stumbled? Would she finally leave him then? Judging by her words, she was here until he finally couldn't take it anymore, and once he quit, she was gone. He couldn't blame her for that, he'd have bailed on himself a long time ago.

But was their friendship conditional on him always trying his best? Was he not allowed to falter? Was him losing steam, and needing to pause for a breath, the line that he couldn't cross?

"I don't know how much more I have in me, Val." Gatz admitted to her, shamefully and quietly, "it's so hard, and so painful, and it always ends with me losing something. What happens when I have nothing left?"

His own uncle had all but disowned him, and had forced him off Naboo, because of the danger his bounty had brought. He had no other family. He had no home. He was broke. All he had was his ship, and R4, and those were probably up next on the chopping block.

"What happens when I finally give up, and you abandon me?"

 

[Valery Noble]

New Cov

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Ship: Link
Weapons: Blasters | Lightsaber | Double-Bladed Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

"I won't just abandon you, Gatz," Valery said with a frown that showed it hurt a bit that he thought that she would. "It's important to me that you give it your all, but we all hit road blocks and have moments where we fail or make mistakes. That's just part of life. Giving up, to me, goes far beyond that." She smiled a little again and pulled her hand away from his shoulder. She still wasn't sure how much his body could tolerate, and she wasn't about to make things worse.

"But even if you were to give up on your training, that doesn't mean I just turn my back on you. All of this is your choice because you want to be able to help people more directly. But it's not the only way to help people, and not at all an obligation." She hoped, of course, that he'd see it through until the end, and that he'd grow in confidence as he learned more and refined the things he had already learned.

But if he wanted to do something entirely different with his life, she'd support that too. That's what friendship was all about.

"That said, training doesn't mean throwing you into situations that leave you badly injured. We'll build up your skills and gradually introduce you to more and more challenging missions." Having him go through what he had today wasn't helping anybody. It made him feel worse about himself, but it could also end up being his death.

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Blaster Pistol
Tag: Valery Noble

Gatz could tell by the look on her face that he'd wounded her, even if just a little. Guilt crept into that hollow space in his chest, knowing that. But Valery didn't understand: everyone left him eventually. By choice or by death, and it was always his own fault. She didn't understand that, no matter what, he always ended up alone.

And he was so tired of being lonely.

Maybe her words were a falsehood. Maybe she'd find a reason to abandon him one day, as she probably should. That tended to be how these things went for him: everyone was there for him, until he wasn't the man they expected him to be. Then they were gone. Why would Valery be any different than them? Why would she stick around when even his own uncle didn't want him around?

But then... Valery had done more for him than anyone. Maybe even his own parents. Certainly more than Klein. So, then, maybe she was telling the truth. And, really, when had Valery ever lied to him? Had she upset him before? Sure. Had he pissed her off before? Absolutely.

But despite those things, she was the one who was here. Not Mom or Dad—though they were dead, so they got a pass. Not Klein. Not Roche. Not any of the Jedi who'd taught him as a youngling.

Valery. He wanted to believe she wouldn't abandon him. He chose to believe she wouldn't.

"I'm sorry." Gatz struggled to get his words past the lump in his throat. "You're the only family I have left, and I'm afraid of losing you like everyone else. And I'm afraid it's going to be my fault."

Gatz sagged back into his cot, exhausted. As it turned out, getting mauled to death by a freaky alien predator had a way of wearing a man out. Who would have guessed?

"I want to be a good man, someday. I want to put some good back into this galaxy, before I die. But more than anything, I just want to do right by you, after everything you've done for me. And I feel like I keep failing."

He let out a long sigh, and closed his eyes.

"One of these days, I'll make you proud. I promise."

 

[Valery Noble]

New Cov

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Ship: Link
Weapons: Blasters | Lightsaber | Double-Bladed Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

"I know that you will. You just have to convince yourself now," she said with a smile while she watched exhaustion take over. The attack alone would have knocked most people out for a while, but he was on some pretty strong medication too for the pain and perhaps for other things too. So as much as she'd want to stick around and chat for a while longer, it was perhaps for the best to leave him alone for now.

She could swear the eyeless sockets of the Miraluka doctor were glaring at her to leave anyway.

"Go get some rest, and find me in the Temple halls when you're up and ready to move, okay?" She then asked before she walked over to the foot-end of his bed to grab the blankets that were ready. She wrapped them over him in case he wanted some extra warmth, then stepped away and nodded to the doc.

"Let me know if anything changes, please," Valery asked of the doctor. She was no medical expert, so while Gatz looked perfectly stable, she was worried that something could still happen.

"Of course. He'll be fine with some rest, and then I'll allow him to leave. He just has to make sure to take it easy for a week or two," the doc responded before walking over to Gatz' bed for a few bio-checks.