Late Night Thoughts | Message to Cerys Dyn

Cerys,

As has become customary of late, you will no doubt react to the reception of this message with some form of groan followed by an eye roll or curse word, perhaps a good one you might have learned from me if I could be so bold; sadly, though, that is the reason I have felt the need to write this in the late hours.

You have been toeing the line, following instructions and playing the role shy of insubordination, yet we can both feel the tension since the last real discussion the two of us shared. This is not an accusation; it is a simple fact and one that I share blame for.

Despite the unorthodox start to our apprenticeship (a generous way to put it), in my spare time I dedicated hours to meditation, searching for answers to questions you might have shared about Grandmaster Quins' decision. Ultimately, I found myself encouraged by the possibility of supporting you in some form. I am also greatly flawed, though. Having been knighted the mere moment we were informed of our apprenticeship, I had, and still often contend with, my own personal doubts and insecurities. We may be Jedi, but we are still sentient, despite what the rest of the Galaxy may see us as.

I had just helped you return to the Order, having been imprisoned and tortured by Imperials, only to then be placed under my tutelage, to the astonishment of both of us. Naturally, in the face of such pressure, with my own doubts in the back of my mind, I did what I do best: push on through. A mask. Fake it until you can make it. According to most Dashiell women, apparently it's a Dashiell male thing.

So perhaps this might explain to you why I've been less...Carefree compared to when I was a Padawan. I'm trying to live up to the title of Jedi Knight. Still trying to prove to myself that I deserve it, yet there's something more important at stake here, Cerys, and that is this Apprenticeship. The benefit of this message is that I can speak without interruption because I need you to be able to hear me, truly hear me when I tell you these things. I do not want your frustrations to deafen you to my authenticity here.

On the day that I made the regrettable mistake of pushing you away by speaking of my feelings, I also clearly informed you that I had identified that such sentiments were fleeting and unrealistic, that I had no intention or hope of pursuing them. Loath as I am to bring this up, I do so for the sake of us moving forward. The role of Master and Apprentice is an important one, and unless you ultimately decide to go forward before the Council and request an alternate Mentor, I stand by my word that you will not see another Master step away from the completion of your training.

Time has passed since that day, but the tension between us has not. I wish for us to train together, to work together in the field. Not as two individual Jedi but as one team. We are two different people, but we need to come to understand one another, to hear each other out, to talk and to compromise. In the past, I have been guilty of letting my pride get in the way, but I have been making an effort of letting go.

I want to see you succeed, Cerys, and I want to help you complete your training if you'll let me.

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