A Final Decision

The datapad slammed into the floorboard of the X-Wing.

He didn't even get the chance to finish his last sentence. So many emotions were running through him, that typing was the last thing on his mind. He was losing control of himself. A few sparks came from the datapad as tears began to fall down his face. They ran quickly down his face, soon landing on his shirt. Nothing was going good for him. He was losing it all.

Resting his elbow on his knee, his head fell into the outstretched robotic hand. The tears were uncontrollable, and we're showing no signs of stopping. He didn't exactly know what he was crying about, but whatever it was he had held it in for too long.

All this time he tried to keep up the image of him being a strong, courageous Jedi. But in reality, he was none of those things. He was just a boy who couldn't keep his Padawan. He was a boy who fell easily to the dark side. He was a boy that turned to war to try and find some sort of comfort and relationship. He was a boy who had done nothing right in life.

Self-hate was one of his worst features. Everything he seemed to do, it always turned out wrong. He looked around for any place that would take him in, ignore was weaknesses and make him one of their own.First the Silver Jedi, then the Jedi of the Tide, and now the Imperials. Yet none of these groups felt right. Two inparticular only seemed to use him for his force powers. They didn't really care about him. They cared about his powers, not the boy wielding them.

More tears ran down his face as he started to shake. His head now rested in both of his hands. The seat shook slightly with each uneven breath. It was almost to the point where he was hyperventilating. All emotions that he held up inside were just pouring out in one giant, messy storm. He began to think back at every single thing he had done wrong in his life, even the little stuff. So many people had been hurt by him, with some he will never be able to make it up with.

One that kept replaying in his head was his clash with Mathieu. The man had been so carrying and forgiving that entire time, not once judging what he did or didn't do. All he wanted was for his friend to return to the light. To this day he still thinks he hurt the man in someone way. It brings him much pain to realize what he could of done to such a kind person.

Yet what did he do? He fell to the dark side anyways. After all of the the boy still fell. It doesn't matter if he came back to the light or not. He was an awful person who hated every ounce of himself.

A yelled echoed throughout the cockpit as he cried out in frustration. He was taught by his Jedi Master that we were not supposed to feel emotions. They led to the dark side of the force. Well guess what, any other emotion than sadness, tiredness, and hate towards himself would be nerfing wonderful right now. Becuase that is all he has felt these last few weeks.

Tensions have still been high between the Imperials and the Sith. Who knows when the next attack will be. And since he made that decision to become a Knight among their ranks, it feels as if he was becoming a worse and worse person. Sure, he joined the Imperials to eliminate the Sith, but it felt like that was their only goal. Kill the Sith. They would do anything necessary to achieve this, even if that meant recruiting a lost teenage Jedi to fight alongside them.

As a small headache began to set in, he thought about how much a fool he had been to fight with them. They didn't care about him. Hell, why should they, it wasn't like anyone else has. He knew that wasn't entirely true, but it sure did feel that way. The last true person he was able to call a true ally and friend was Mathieu.

Ever since that about a week ago a few days ago, he thought writing these journals could help him clear his mind. The man made him realize that maybe the Imperials weren't right for him. And he was probably right. It is just so hard to leave behind the life you have going, especially when doing so in the past has turned out poorly.

Using his sleeve he wiped away the remains tears from his eyes. The cry many have felt good and needed, but it wasn't going to fix anything. He had to make a choice. And hopefully it was the right one.

Reaching down he grabbed the datapad off the floor. After a spark of lightning shot out of his fingertip, the device turned back on. He began to plug in a cord from it into his X-Wing. From there, he typed.


Once he pressed sent, the confirmation appeared on the screen. Hopefully it got to the desk of both the Sword of the Jedi, Ryv and Jedi Knight Auteme . These were the two people he had heard were sorta the head of the Alliance's Jedi Order, so maybe they could help him out.

Closing his eyes, he took a few deep breaths to try and calm himself, it felt as if he was a new person. Though still troubled by his decision, hopefully there wouldn't be any issues in the further with him defecting. Powering down the datapad he set it to his side, securing it.

It was time to start a new chapter.