Private You Can't Have a Picnic in a Dangerous Jungle

[Gatz Derrevar]

​

He liked Briana. She was kind, seemingly even to people who didn't necessarily deserve it, like himself. All in all, she wasn't too bad for a rich girl.

"I know. I think the whole reason she reached out to me was because you "highly recommended" me. Her words, not mine." Though Gatz did frown at that admission, "I think you might be giving people the wrong idea about me. I'm not exactly worthy of praise."

But as much as he'd like to continue that topic of conversation, they were still in the middle of talking about something much more important. To him, at least. The idea of Force training was as terrifying to him as it was exciting, and though he wanted to pursue it, he wasn't sure how far. Or what he wanted to learn. Or even what would work for him. Telekinesis and working on improving his precognition seemed like the best places to start, if nothing else.

Lightsaber training though... as much as it interested him—and it most certainly did—Gatz wasn't sure if it was worth the time. The lightsaber was the tool of the Jedi, and the weapon of the Sith. And he was neither, thankfully. What point was there in learning to use something he couldn't possess?

"I won't pretend I'm not interested in taking up lightsaber combat," Gatz began, "but I'm not sure it's practical for me. I don't have the knowledge or resources to construct a lightsaber. I don't know where I would even find a crystal. I left before my gathering, after all."

Mere days before it, in fact. He hadn't even known where he and his fellow younglings were supposed to go. But that was probably for the best. A scoundrel with a lightsaber was a dangerous prospect.

"Everything else you mentioned though, I think I can work with that. It feels like a good place to start."

---

Tags: Valery Noble

 

[Valery Noble]

New Cov

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Blasters | Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

"Lightsaber combat is something we can always reconsider later. It's exciting but there are risks to it. If you walk around with a lightsaber, people are much quicker to draw weapons on you. So if you have one, you want to really be confident with it." After all, Jedi or Sith, a lot of people in the Galaxy didn't like either. And even if he wouldn't be either of them, carrying a lightsaber sure would make him look like one.

That was a risk best left for after he figured out other things first.

"I'll start with Telekinesis, I think. It's an ability that I'm very proficient with, and it has a lot of applications. From summoning your weapon back into your hand or disarming someone else of their weapons, to creating a whirlwind that keeps people stunned and spinning in one spot."

She grinned a little, clearly excited at the idea of teaching him such things.

"From there, let's shift into using the Force alongside your blaster. For accurate aiming, precognition and to combine it with other techniques."

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

​

"There's a million credit bounty on me," Gatz snorted, but there was no humor in it, "people are already quick to point weapons at me. But you're right. I'd probably just chop my own arm off anyways."

A pang of disappointment beat in his chest. It surprised him how disheartening it felt to push lightsaber combat off. Why was there so much craving attached to a little thing of colorful light? Since when did he care about lightsabers? He'd spent the last fifteen years not giving a damn about the Jedi or their teachings. And yet, now that he had made the decision to resume his training, there was almost a sense of loss in not training with a lightsaber.

What in the world was wrong with him?

Telekinesis was a good place to start, he agreed. Was it boring? Obviously. But it was also extremely practical, and clearly had incredible uses the more proficient one was with using it. Hell, before they'd taken off to Sovereign Station, he'd prevented a Sith Knight from reclaiming her lightsaber by sending it skittering across the floor, and away from her fingertips. It... probably didn't matter in the end, considering Valery was there. So it was sort of a useless effort. But he supposed it still served as a good example as to the uses of telekinesis.

Using the Force to bolster his skill with a blaster was a pretty good idea too. He was no gunslinger, but maybe with Valery's tutelage, he could halfway turn into one. She was better with a blaster then he'd ever been, and as much as it hurt his scoundrel pride to know that a Jedi could outshoot him, there was no point in letting that stop him from learning from her.

Gatz just wished he could share in her clear excitement, instead of only feeling trepidation and fear of failure beating in his heart. But his decision was made, even if it wasn't an easy one for him.

"Sounds practical to me," Gatz agreed easily, "I just hope I don't end up wasting your time."

---

Tags: Valery Noble

 

[Valery Noble]

New Cov

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Blasters | Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

"Yeah, or my arms," Valery said with a soft chuckle, though she was more than willing to teach him how to use a lightsaber too. It was just riskier and demanded a lot of time, but perhaps once he got other basics down, it'd be much easier to flow into lightsaber combat as well. It was something she'd surely have to bring up later, but for now, she was going to focus on the more immediate steps.

"I'm glad you agree with the plan though. Is it, uh, something you'd like to start with today already? I could show you a training area at the Temple and run some Telekinesis drills there." She suddenly had a very warm smile as she thought about the Temple and training there.

"It's where I once learned how to do it too." Valery was clearly somewhat nostalgic about it, and the idea of training a close friend like him there seemed exciting to her. She could tell that he had some barriers to cross still, but perhaps once they got started, he'd be drawn into the fun too.

When kept busy, it was easier to forget about worse things in life for a moment.

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

​

Though Gatz was tired from his run in the jungle, the prospect of starting today did excite him. After fifteen years of stagnation, and a year of grappling with his mediocrity, he finally had a chance to amend those mistakes. Of course, nothing would change today. Coruscant wasn't built in a day, after all. But it was a step in the right direction, following down the path Valery had paved for him almost a year ago.

How could that not be exciting, despite his reservations about himself?

But the mention of the Temple made anxiety bloom in his chest once more. There was a reason—there were many reasons, really—as to why he hadn't gone to the Jedi Temple, even though that had clearly been where she wanted him to hide. Most of those reasons spiked fear and trepidation, and all Gatz could remember was the last time he'd been in a Jedi Temple, and why he'd left it for good.

But Valery seemed so excited to train him where she'd been trained, however many hundreds or thousands of years ago that had been. He didn't know how long she'd been in stasis, only that she had been. But that wasn't the point: he understood that what she was offering was important to her, because it was a piece of her past. And no one could reclaim the past, but she certainly couldn't.

Gatz couldn't bring himself to say no, despite how the very idea of setting foot in the Temple made his skin crawl.

"Okay," Gatz let out a shaky breath, "a-at the Jedi Temple. It sounds like that's the best place to do it."

He tried to strangle his anxiety and fear, and shove it back down as he always did. Gatz knew he wasn't about to run into a Jedi Shadow out here on New Cov, where Valery's husband worked to reform Sithspawn of all things.

But some fears weren't easy to conquer.

---

Tags: Valery Noble

 

[Valery Noble]

New Cov

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Blasters | Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

"I can tell it makes you nervous, you know," Valery said just a little bluntly, rather than choosing to ignore it or hint at it. Avoiding problems wasn't really going to solve them, and if he had deeply traumatic reasons for not wanting to be anywhere near a Temple, it'd be good for her to know. After all, she was aware that he had been a Jedi once — she just hadn't asked about all the details about why he left and what things had been like for him.

That was a topic she wouldn't ever try to make him talk about.

"The Temple itself is pretty empty, so don't worry about running into anybody. Jedi only visit it if they have a mission further out from Coruscant, and want to use it as a stop. Or if they want to train or meditate somewhere quieter," Valery explained with a smile. "My husband is currently at the facility in the city, so he's the closest Jedi and that's miles away." Of course, if he did want to meet other Jedi, she wouldn't stop him or get in the way.

"Let's head there and we'll start with some basic drills. After that, we'll get something to eat."

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

​

There was no point in trying to hide his fear from her. No point in lying. She knew. Valery always knew when he withheld something. And if the last few weeks had taught him anything, it was that there was no point in keeping things from her. No point in trying to deal with his own problems if she was present and wanted to help. Even now, she was trying to make him feel comfortable with the idea of coming to the Temple.

Last week, she'd asked him to stop shutting her out. And... he supposed it was time that she knew.

"I saw a Jedi Shadow at work, up close, when I was eight years old."

He started trembling immediately, shakes coursing through his body that he just couldn't control. His throat felt tight, and his eyes watered, but he pushed on anyhow.

"There was an older boy, Riggs. Probably twelve or thirteen. He'd been freshly selected as a Padawan, but he'd grown up in the same creche as me. He'd always been a troublemaker, like I was. Like to sneak out of the Temple at night. Well, his master knew it too, and Riggs thought she was holding him back."

He let out a long breath, as he could feel the panic begin to overwhelm him. The shaking hadn't stopped. It had only gotten worse. He wanted to stop, shut his mouth, and repress the memory again. But it was too late for that.

"She just thought he wasn't ready for the next step of training. How could he be, when he didn't listen? Well, Riggs didn't care. He started sneaking out even more. Stayed out longer. Sometimes he'd be gone for days before someone saw him. And as this went on, he started to change. He got angrier. Developed a superiority complex. Got into physical altercations with other students."

"Well, one night, Riggs snuck back into the creche and woke us all up. Said he wanted to show us something cool, something on the lower levels of Coruscant. Most of us were smart enough to go back to be bed, but not me." His voice broke for a moment, and Gatz took a few silent seconds to somewhat recompose himself, "so we snuck out through a service elevator, and Riggs paid some taxi driver to stuff us all in the backseat of his speeder. He takes us to the lower levels of Coruscant. The real seedy parts; the kind of place you'd expect to find men like me."

"We go to this old dilapidated shanty. He knocks on the door, and immediately I felt like something was wrong. It was... cold. Like our trip to Erakhis, or when we fought Isadora. And this old man opens up the door, wearing a tattered brown robe, and the first thing I notice are his eyes. They looked like yours, but... I doubt this man was Keshian. Riggs tells us that the reason he'd been sneaking out was because this old man had been teaching him during nights. Showing him things that the Jedi 'wouldn't teach us.' Tells us that the Jedi are holding him back, but that this old man had seen his potential, and that he'd see ours too. And then—”

Gatz stopped, throat choked up, and that was when the tears finally started. He sat there, crying and shaking like a toddler, unable to get words out for a few moments. And when he did, they were broken up by his sobs.

"She just came straight out of the shadows. Like she'd been there the whole time, waiting. Dark robes. Mask. She has a lightsaber in her hand, double-bladed, yellow. Before any of us had a chance to even blink, she strikes the old man right through the chest," and then Gatz made a thrusting motion with his hand, and his next words were barely a whisper, "and then turns around... and she strikes Riggs down. Right there and then. No mercy, no words... just death."

"She didn't even bother to look at the rest of us. She pulled something out of the old man's robe. I've seen Jedi holocrons. But this... was different. Red. Shaped like a pyramid. She grabs that, and walks away. Just left us, a bunch of eight and nine year old younglings on the seedy streets of Coruscant, to figure out a way home after she'd killed our friend."

And finally he stopped, sitting on the log, trembling violently and crying like he was that eight year old boy again.

---

Tags: Valery Noble

 

[Valery Noble]

New Cov

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Blasters | Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

It hadn't been that long ago that Valery asked him to stop shutting her out, so when she realized that he was about to open up on a very personal story, she went entirely quiet and listened intently. During her time spent with him, she had picked up on very small things that hinted at why he left the Order, and why he felt so strongly about it. Why he had seemed so hesitant about going to a Jedi Temple, even if barely any Jedi were there.

The moment he mentioned the Shadows, she began to really understand.

The story that followed, in a lot of ways, resonated with her. She had once been a Shadow and killing Sith or Dark Siders like that, without question or any concern, had been her way of life. Valery had even been the leader of the Shadows in an already extreme Enclave before her time in stasis.

But Valery had also changed.

"I... understand now," Valery said with a frown, before stepping forward to place a comforting hand on his shoulder. "The Jedi Shadows have always been quite extreme. But even for them, what this woman did was horrible. Both the mindless killing and abandoning you down there while you were so young." There was a flash of anger in Valery's eyes about it. Even if that Shadow truly felt that it was her duty to kill that Sith and the Padawan on his way to falling, leaving behind Gatz after making him watch was just... beyond terrible.

"If you prefer to just avoid the Temple, I completely understand, Gatz." Valery squeezed his shoulder and offered a gentle smile. His comfort was more important than a quiet place to train. They could easily find that elsewhere if he wanted or needed to stay away from a place that could provoke the painful memories again.

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

​

Gatz sat there crying, still sitting on that stupid log, feeling like a child. He pressed his fingers into his eyes, in a futile attempt to stop the tears, but it obviously didn't work. Fifteen years of repressing this story—never telling it beyond the day he'd left the Order—was finally catching up to him and there was nothing he could do but sob. He didn't want to be like this, but he had no control over his emotions.

Valery placed a hand on his shoulder, with a comforting squeeze. He leaned in for a moment to hug her, but stopped himself, despite wanting the comfort. He'd already asked too much of her, and indulged in too much comfort from her. Crying like a child he might have been, but he was still a man in his twenties. He shouldn't need her compassion or comfort. It didn't matter that he wanted it.

He was still scum, and maybe reliving this memory was the price to pay for what he'd done.

But at least there was sympathy offered. Gatz had worried about telling Valery this story, knowing she'd been a Shadow in the past. He'd been sick with anxiety, thinking she'd exonerate the Shadow that had tormented him for so long. That she might justify what had been done as a necessary blow to the Dark. It wasn't that he thought she wouldn't care about how he felt about it, but she'd defended Shadows in the past. He supposed he just hadn't let himself expect much from her in this regard, in order to save himself some disappointment.

But if nothing else, it was a relief to hear her condemn what that Shadow had done.

"I want to come with you," Gatz admitted, his tears beginning to slow, "but I don't feel safe in Jedi Temples anymore. Empty or not. Not when the chance exists of one of them being there. If a Shadow would kill a thirteen year old boy who had been led astray, what do you think they'd do to scum like me?"

---

Tags: Valery Noble

 

[Valery Noble]

New Cov

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Blasters | Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

"Shadows have an extreme focus on fighting the Dark Side, so they wouldn't come after you," Valery said, knowing it probably wouldn't convince him or really change his desire to avoid Temples. She mostly hoped it'd make him less afraid of being hunted down by one. "There... also aren't really any Shadows left anymore. There were two active ones and both of them haven't been seen in a long time. Which is weird even for Shadows because they do report to me."

"In addition, there's no real effort to get more either. We have other priorities and the Shadows are a very difficult group to manage. And... they don't hang out in Jedi Temples like this either — they stick to less obvious locations to work from if they exist at all."

Valery sat down beside him and let out a soft exhale, not because she was exhausted or drained, but just because she was trying to make herself comfortable.

"I still won't force you to go there though. It's just one safe and quiet place to train, but there are countless more on this planet. So it's up to you because there's no point in training somewhere you can't focus at all."

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

​

"W-what?!" There was no denying the fear in his voice.

They still reported to her? Gatz went rigid, tears finally stopping as shock took over, and terror blossomed from him in the Force. Fear of his closest friend and inspiration. Because the Jedi Shadows still reported to her. But... Valery said she'd left that part of her life behind. And yet, she was still the one in charge of the Jedi Shadows? She directed the very clandestine organization that he feared more than anything in the world.

He'd asked this woman to train him.

He'd... almost tried to seek comfort from her mere moments ago.

Gatz could deal with the fact that she used to be a Jedi Shadow. Everyone had skeletons in their closet, and he was the last person who ought to be judging others for that. But all this time, she was still actively involved with them. Well, "actively" might be a stretch, considering she hadn't heard from them in awhile. But if they reported in today, she'd still be in charge of them.

The most important person in the world to him. His protector, his mentor, his inspiration; the one who'd put him on a better path. His friend. She was in charge of the monster under his bed. And she had been from the very moment he'd met her.

He felt betrayed. And the worst part? He wanted to hug her even more now than when he'd been sobbing his eyes out.

Interesting how you're still alive, what little logic remained in him tried to butt in, and how she's fed you, protected you, and comforted you. All while you've resisted her every effort. And yet she's still here, and there isn't even a single lightsaber buried in your chest.

Gatz tried to focus on that: the logic. He wasn't dead. There were only two Shadows around these days, and they were missing. They didn't hang out at Jedi Temples like this. They reported to Valery, who was usually quite fond of him, and would slap him upside the head before she had him killed. And while it stung a lot to know she was still involved in Shadow business, if someone had to be, he'd trust it to be her over anyone else in the galaxy.

"I don't like that you're still involved with Shadow business. At all. It scares me." Gatz made clear, as he let out a long sigh, "but you've always made me feel safe, you still do, and you always will. And if you're there with me, I can handle being at the Jedi Temple."

---

Tags: Valery Noble

 

[Valery Noble]

New Cov

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Blasters | Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

Valery perked a brow when he didn't just seem surprised, but scared as well. Was the revelation that Shadows reported to the Council or to her directly something he hadn't expected? Perhaps that made sense — with how Shadows worked, she could see why people believed they might not report to anybody at all. But that wasn't the case, and the hierarchy and structure behind their duties was quite refined.

Not that she was going into detail on that after seeing how much this already frightened him.

"I wouldn't say I'm involved with the Shadows. They work alone but their missions were always reported to the Council, and because I used to be one, they typically reported to me. But I haven't worked with another Shadow in quite some time now, and most of the work that a Shadow would do, is typically handled by just any available Jedi. Just... without the methods of a Shadow, of course." In many cases, if the problem was deep behind enemy lines, Valery herself handled it.

But that was a detail she'd also keep from him for now. Because even though it was very different from when she was an active Shadow, it'd likely still create the wrong impression.

"But you have my word that the Shadows aren't something to fear anymore. We more than likely won't even see any Jedi at the Temple today, and if we do, I'll be right there." She smiled and offered her hand to pull him up to his feet, and get moving. "Come on, we have some training to do."

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

​

Valery's words were logical, but also comforting. But if they had come from anyone else, Gatz thought that he might have dismissed them. He knew the Shadows reported to the Council, as all Jedi did: that was part of his problem with the Order. How could the Jedi justify such a thing with one breath, and then preach about upholding the Jedi Code with the next? It was maddening, and it was hypocritical, and it made him furious.

But of all the people in the galaxy, he trusted Valery the most. And though he often argued with her, and her decisions when they were in regards to his life, there was no one whose judgement he trusted more. Her word was the most valuable currency in the galaxy, and so if she told him that their methods were no longer to be feared... then Gatz would try to be brave.

Fifteen years of suppressed trauma couldn't be overcome in a single moment, but with Valery's guidance, perhaps he would be strong enough to confront it one day.

She stood up in front of him and smiled: something that had always made him feel safe. He wondered if that was why she chose to smile so often. Or maybe she was simply that content with her lot in life. She promised to be there for him, as she always had been, and though Gatz still felt uneasy about training at the temple, he knew that everything would be alright.

Valery extended her hand to him. A simple gesture, meant to help him up off this uncomfortable log. But also a symbolic one: a metaphor for how, on the day they'd met, she'd pulled him out of the muck that was his life and set him on the path to something better.

"Alright," Gatz smiled back.

And, as always, he took her hand.

---

Tags: Valery Noble