Private Royal Pain

[Kai Bamarri]

<Oh, I get it. Mr. Fancy Pants Senator Man can’t say ‘butt’,> Kai concluded with a sage nod.

Truly, he was like a five year old in a teenager’s body.

Alicio’s plan was met with a brief moment of hesitation from Kai, though the boy soon shrugged it off. He wasn’t a Doppelganger anymore; he wouldn’t have to deal with the temptation to consume Alicio’s thoughts and memories the moment their minds linked.

<Okay good, okay fine.> He watched with interest as the man disassembled his lightsaber in order to retrieve the crystal within… and thought he probably didn’t need to do it himself, he mirrored Alicio’s motions, taking out the shard of Chaldean marble which powered his blade.

He held it out, cradled in his palm, as if it were a sacred offering.

<Sounds cool.> He smirked. <How I sense things is pretty weird, too. We can freak each other out.>

"Are you ready, Kai?"

He could barely contain his excitement. <Yeah! Let's do it!>

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

Alicio found an easy chuckle, covering his mouth with a hand. "No, I can't say 'butt'," he said, saying butt. "Using that kind of language in the Senate would make me a real ass."

As Kai explained that his own view of the Force was strange, Alicio continued his easy smile. The more he learned about the Force, the more personal it seemed to be. Each person with the Gift had a different perspective. A different lens to understand this universal power.

<Yeah! Let's do it!>

Alicio closed his eyes, emptying his mind little by little. Meditation was also something he was training in, at a pace that would likely be annoyingly slow to the average Jedi.

But once his mind was empty, Alicio welcomed Kai within, and began gathering his Gift. Introspect whistled it's sacred song in his palm, and the taste of the sea mixed with sweet incense. The Force began to squeeze his form, mantling his shoulders with weight.

He spied a second into the future, his vision kaleidoscoping into two.

Two seconds. His sight multiplied as more potential futures made themselves known.

Minutes.

The world became bathed in cool blues and vicious blacks, bleeding away at the edges of his vision like a watercolor painting dipped in water. The Jedi Temple seemed almost submerged in ocean, the taste of salt was so strong in the air. Walking into the room was a poorly-defined tall figure, with a faceless mask. The empty metal faceplate stared into Alicio's eyes, before the scene melted away.

Alicio opened his eyes again, wiping a bit of sweat from his brow as he unshouldered the burden of the Force. "Okay. A droid comes in here next. I think. But I guess we won't know if it worked until it happens, huh?"

- Kai Bamarri -

 

[Kai Bamarri]

Kai went wide-eyed, his mouth falling open in genuine shock. <How many bad words can you say before they kick you out of the Senate?>

Then, the process began… with meditation. Alicio took a while to get into it, enough that Kai peeked open one eye to check on him and make sure he hadn’t fallen asleep.

Eventually he did slip into a kind of trance, opening up a path from his mind to Kai’s. The boy followed it eagerly, but he also tread carefully, mindful that neither of them was all that familiar with the other.

Alicio’s mouth would fill with the strangely metallic, burnt wire taste of ozone, like the air just before lightning strikes. Kai had been born totally without the five senses which humans use to perceive the world. These things were known to him now, having spent the majority of his life thus far living as a humanoid, but he hadn’t forgotten the extra sense which had once been his sole awareness. It was vaguely reminiscent of Force Sight for the Miraluka, but few Miraluka were as totally deprived of physical sensation as the Bamarri were.

He kept much of these things reined in, not wanting to overwhelm Alicio. For their purposes, it was clear that Kai was not at all human, but some sort of energy being or Force Entity of natural origin.

Kai played the role of a silent observer as the vision progressed, seeing things in the scene which Alicio could not perceive. Namely, he knew the figure was not a droid, but a living being, despite how he looked to Alicio's eyes.

<That’s Zoar,> he said. He recalled seeing the other Padawan in one of his training classes. <I think he’s a midget inside a big suit.> Of course, he’d never seen Zoar outside the suit, so he wouldn’t know for sure. <I guess we’ll have to hang around here until he shows up…>

<Why does the Force feel so heavy to you?> he asked, retreating from Alicio’s mind. He was certainly used to the Force being a lot lighter and easier to use compared to the pressure Alicio experienced. <Is it ‘cause you don’t use it often enough, so it’s like a weak muscle?>

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

Kai's perception of the Force was... also a taste?

No, not quite a taste. More like a sense Alicio didn't, couldn't, possess. Something alien and just out of his reach. The young padawan's presence was entirely strange, as if someone had bottled lightning, and taught it how to hold a lightsaber.

After the vision was granted, Alicio placed his palms on the floor behind him, supporting the sitting Count as he heard Kai's explanation. A small Jedi probably made more sense than a full droid. "I guess that just goes to show you how easily these things can be misinterpreted. And the further you gaze, the less lucid things become, leaving more room for error. At least, that's what I've learned."

Kai's following question was met by a ponderous gaze. "I used to think that it might be because I was weaker, but I don't think so anymore." His thoughts returned to Chaldea. "I think it's because I don't... really trust the Force. So, when I call on it, I can't help but push against it. So the Force pushes back. It's... something I've been working on."

"But I can use that weight. Focus it in a direction, turn it into power. Like when I look into the future." That was his current working theory, anyways.

"You sense it differently, too. I don't think I have the mental faculties to understand it. Is the ozone taste a... Bamarri thing?"

- Kai Bamarri -

 

[Kai Bamarri]

Kai nodded. The vision had been hazy and mysterious, so maybe trying to divine the future wasn’t very practical. Still, it was a start… and he found it exciting to think about what he could do with such a power.

<You fight the Force?> Kai asked, blinking. He couldn’t really relate to Alicio’s experience. For all that he had struggled with the urges and instincts of the bodies he had occupied, using the Force had never been a problem for him. In fact, only in the absence of the Force did he feel any kind of strain—his last encounter with Alina Tremiru had ended with him nearly dying as a result of her cutting him off from it.

Alicio’s question made Kai furrow his brow in confusion. <The ozone taste?... Oh. Yeah, I’ve heard that before from other people. It only happens when I let them sense what I really am, so it must be a Bamarri thing.> He held up his hands, flexing his fingers. <This isn’t the body I was born with. That body was destroyed years ago. I’m using this one as an anchor so I won’t become one with the Force.>

Perhaps there was one way that he could understand Alicio’s grappling with the cosmic energy field.

<Don’t tell anyone else about this, but sometimes I feel like the Force is calling me home,> Kai said soberly. <Like I should’ve already become one with it, if I would just stop resisting. Every hour is just borrowed time. I’m defying the will of the Force. It’s not because I’m scared of dying or don’t trust it, it’s just… I want to live.>

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

"No more than someone fights the ocean when they dive," Alicio said, crossing his arms. "I'm just trying to swim. But the pressure is... a lot, sometimes." Looking only a few minutes into the future tired him. Looking any farther, and the he feared the weight of the Force would break him.

Perhaps it was a kind of muscle, he would have to build up.

Kai confirmed his suspicions. He'd heard of Bamarri only in passing, while he was helping plan and construct Calabiyau, on Chaldea. They were near-mythical, so much so that Alicio hadn't realized they were real.

But then, the Will of the Force was brought up, and Alicio couldn't help but frown a little. "And that's another reason why I'm not a Jedi."

They'd already breached the topic of politics? Why not round it out with a discussion on religion?

"The 'Will of the Force'. I don't know if it exists. Or, if it does, if the Force's Will deserves to be served in the first place." He'd done plenty of thinking on the topic after his conversation on the beach. He'd already said it today; he didn't trust the Force. "It can be cruel, and senseless. People are slaughtered in pursuit of it, or in spite of it. If the Force is an all-encompassing energy field worth serving, I'd hope it could find a way to attain balance that didn't require... evil."

"I'm not trying to tell you what to think. I deeply respect the Jedi Way, and I could be completely wrong... but I don't think it's a bad thing to want to live, no matter what the Force thinks on the subject."

- Kai Bamarri -

 

[Kai Bamarri]

Kai looked away, a bit of color rising to his cheeks as Alicio spoke. He almost regretted saying anything, now that they were at this point. Politics, he could be haughty and dismissive about. But religion? That was different, more complicated.

<The problem of pain…> he mused softly.

Alicio sounded a little bit like a Sith, but Kai didn’t tell him so. Mainly because he wasn’t sure how the senator would take it, and he didn’t want to risk sparking curiosity in the man about their philosophy.

<The Force itself isn’t cruel. People are.> He inclined his head. <They use it as an excuse to justify their actions. And we can’t have true freedom without being given the option to do the wrong thing, right?>

Complex stuff for a kid his age to be thinking about, but he had puzzled some of it out in his spare time, in-between Jedi training, hanging out with his friends, going to war, and watching cartoons.

<Don’t, uh, don’t misunderstand me, please. That’s part of why I didn’t want you to tell anyone else—because I think it’s hard for people to understand, even Jedi.> Kai pursed his lips sheepishly, realizing he would have to elaborate and try to be clearer. <The pull isn’t a bad feeling. It’s like being called home to the ones you love. Or like realizing that you were meant for something better, another world. It promises that everything will be okay, that I’ll be happy. Happier than I’ve ever been…>

He trailed off, his gaze downturned and distant for a time before he lifted his eyes to meet Alicio’s again.

<You’d think that if that were the case, I’d have to be crazy to refuse it. But I do, and I don’t quite know why. Maybe because deep down I think I know better. Or maybe I just like having the power to choose to defy it. Or maybe I am a little bit scared. I know it’s inevitable—I’m going to die someday. I just don’t want to die now. I’m not ready for it yet.> He chanced a small smile and a wink. <And so far the Force hasn't forced me to do anything I don't want to do. It's just calling and wondering why I'm not answering.>

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

Alicio twisted his mouth. He had more to say. Of course, he did. He was a deeply introspective individual (he'd even named his lightsaber after it), the topic of the Force came up a lot in his musings on who he was. Who he wanted to be.

But some conversations were best had later. Especially not when he wasn't sure, himself.

"I'd love to talk with you more about it, Kai," he said, twitching a smile. "This senator doesn't know as much about the Force as he lets on. I didn't grow up with it, and I'm certainly not a philosopher. Having another perspective couldn't hurt."

He was still discovering who he was, and how the mystical energy field played into it.

Then, he smiled apologetically. "Maybe not during our first meeting, though. But, if you want, I can make us some tea some day, we can find some nice, comfy stools to sit on, and we can debate the Force like old Jedi Masters." He shrugged, finding a bit of humor in the statement. "Though, after saying that out loud, I wouldn't blame you if you don't want to."

He thought about what Kai said. It wasn't a bad thing, for him to die? "It might just be another... Bamarri thing," Alicio said, frowning. "But it isn't weird for you to want to keep existing. There's always something worth living for. Even if it's just a new experience. Or a new food you haven't tried. Or a friend you haven't made. Someone you haven't helped yet."

"Can't do any of those if you're off in eternal bliss."

- Kai Bamarri -

 

[Kai Bamarri]

<That doesn’t sound half bad, actually,> Kai replied. <It’s just harder to think and talk about. Especially when I’m sore.>

Looking back, he was rather amazed at the direction the conversation had taken. He hadn’t expected to meet a stranger today, spar with them and talk to them about politics and the Force like this.

<Yeah.> The corners of Kai’s mouth curled up, then quirked down in a sudden frown. Someone you haven't helped yet was what had done it. <Yeah, I guess you're right…>

<You may not be a philosopher, but can I ask for your opinion on something else?>

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

"Sure. I'll set aside some time. Maybe even bake us something. I've been testing bread recipes recently," Alicio offered, absently patting his head once more. "Who knows? You might turn me into a Jedi, yet."

He doubted it, but it was fun to imagine. Padawan Organa, instead of Senator Organa.

<You may not be a philosopher, but can I ask for your opinion on something else?>

"You can," Alicio said easily, finally replacing his lightsaber to his hip. "But I can't promise it'll be any good." He shot Kai a half-smile.

"Shoot."

- Kai Bamarri -

 

[Kai Bamarri]

<You… bake?> Kai’s eyebrows rose, though it was a momentary reaction. Alicio just didn’t strike him as the type—but then, he had assumed the senator had servant droids who could do things like that for him.

Kai brightened at the idea that he could convince anyone to follow the Jedi path. Someone else had brought him to the Jedi and set an example that he wanted to follow. Of course, that person had proven to be something of a false idol… but Kai had managed to keep his childlike love of the knight as a concept to strive toward alive.

<Let’s say that you have a tool that can do tons of cool things. It can be a weapon that hurts people, but it can also save them and heal them. But having the tool means that people hate you. Some of them even want to kill you, because they’re afraid of what you might use it for. And it’s hard to control sometimes. As long as you have it, your life will be miserable, but you’ll have this power you wouldn’t have otherwise.>

Kai chewed his lip thoughtfully, then asked, <So, in your opinion, should you keep the tool and figure out how to use it for good, or should you get rid of it and just live an ordinary life, like everyone else?>

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

"Well, I wouldn't say that I bake, per se," Alicio muttered, tilting his head back and forth. "But I have been practicing, lately. It's a new hobby. I used to like taking walks, and hiking, but I can't really do that since I've moved here. So, I make bread now." He hadn't lived on Alderaan for very long, in the grand scheme of things. But he missed the abundant natural scenes, and the chilly, fresh air.

Alicio listened openly to Kai's conundrum, his merry attitude draining away as he thought. Truly and deeply thought about the implications. What would he do? What had he done?

"That is... difficult," Alicio said, crossing his arms and staring off at a random wall. He had a guess as to what the Bamarri was getting at. "It's hard to answer without context. But if you would have caught me with that question a few weeks ago, I wouldn't have hesitated."

"I would have done anything and everything to help those around me. It's my duty, as a leader and a servant to my people to help as many people as I can, damn the consequences to myself. It's a mindset that I fell into. Still fall into, if I'm being honest." He would have happily forgone all his friendships, all his family ties, his morals, his ethics, his health, for his people.

"But I have a new perspective now, too. I'm not just living for myself. Ruining my life to help others isn't an option anymore. Because..." Alicio felt a touch of embarrassment. Well, he couldn't stop now. "Because I want to build up my life with Amani." He smiled quietly, before moving on.

"Yes, we owe it to the people we serve to be selfless, to give as much of ourselves as we can... But we also have a duty to those closest to us."

"You don't have to answer this question right away, you can think about it on your own, but... think about the people that care for you, Kai. That want the best for you. Is... the power of this tool worth more to you than them?" He couldn't answer that question for the Jedi. On that account, he was on his own.

- Kai Bamarri -

 

[Kai Bamarri]

Kai listened intently to Alicio’s response, hardly even daring to blink. His nose scrunched up faintly at the mention of Amani, as though he were trying to stifle a laugh, not wanting to be rude. Then he grew solemn, crossing his arms over his chest.

<I dunno,> he answered. <When I had the tool, plenty of people hated my guts, but I also knew who my true friends were. I hurt them, though. I thought getting rid of the tool would help me, but I keep screwing things up anyway. Nothing really changed, except now I feel like a burden to them on top of being a jerk.>

He sighed. <I had a chance at having my own Amani, but I blew it. Now it’s not possible anymore. So I’m thinking I should just go back to the way things were. Sacrifice everything and throw myself fully into being a Jedi. And despite what everyone else says, this tool is going to be what gives me the ability to become a true knight.>

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

Kai was struggling with a lot. Alicio had been told as much by his girlfriend, but Alicio could see it clearly, now that the younger man was opening up.

The Count took a step closer to the padawan, frowning in sympathy. "You know, you do have an 'Amani'. Amani is your 'Amani'." He expelled a bit of air through his nose, only realizing how strange that sounded after the words left his mouth. "Uh, what I mean is... I know that Amani cares for you. If you hurt yourself, I think she would hurt, too."

"And I'm sure there are others in your life that feel similarly. Even if you don't have a romantic relationship. It's..." Alicio paused, trying to decide exactly how to convey what he was trying to convey, "... brave, to want to give up everything in pursuit of the greater good. Just... don't forget that there are people out there that would want to see you safe and happy, too."

"What does that mean to you? Being a 'true knight'?"

- Kai Bamarri -

 

[Kai Bamarri]

"You know, you do have an 'Amani'. Amani is your 'Amani'."

Blinking, Kai stared at Alicio blankly until the senator elaborated.

<Amani barely knows me,> he replied. <She’s a healer. It’s her job to take care of everybody.> Something something, altruism.

Some of Alicio’s words hit home, though Kai remained stubbornly reticent. At least, until he posed the question of what a “true knight” was.

<A true knight is patient and kind. They aren’t envious, they don’t boast, they aren’t proud. They’re not rude, self-seeking, or easily angered. They keep no record of wrongs. A true knight always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres… and is faithful to the end. They’re as devoted to the Force as a lover would be. And they will sacrifice themselves, if necessary, laying down their life for another.>

As he spoke, he seemed to become lost in thought, envisioning, perhaps, himself as this fair and perfect knight. Then he came back to himself, looking at Alicio, and he seemed to be both a young child and a very old man.

<I know what I just described is perfection, impossible to achieve. Somewhere along the way, I decided it wasn’t even worth it to try, and just wanted to be happy. But now I understand that I’m not here to be happy. I need to be better than this.>

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

"She knows enough to care. And even if it's her job, she still wants the best for you." At least, that was the impression he'd gotten.

Kai's measurement of a true knight, and subsequent self-evaluation, earned a twisted mouth from the Count. But then, a spark of an idea.

Alicio studied Kai's eyes, looking for the lightning within. "I think you're right, that perfection isn't the point of aiming for perfection. There's that saying; 'Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars'." He'd never tell Kai not to try to be the best he could be. That wasn't his idea.

"So, Jedi are supposed to protect? Trust? Be patient and kind?" Perhaps the padawan would guess what he was on about, although Alicio hoped he wouldn't.

"With everyone? Even your enemies?"

- Kai Bamarri -

 

[Kai Bamarri]

<Yes.>

Kai’s answer was without any trace of hesitation or ambiguity. He had no idea what Alicio was on about.

<Even my enemies. Even people I don’t like. Even Chancellor Auteme. I’ll probably fail at that… a lot… but I still want to try.>

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

Time to spring the trap.

"Then a good place to start is to be patient and kind with yourself." Alicio tried to quash the 'gotcha' from his voice, smiling encouragingly. "Trust yourself. Protect yourself."

It was entirely rich, coming from the Count. He struggled with that. A lot. But it was always far easier to comfort others with the truth than face it himself. "We just met, and I don't want to assume too much. But it seems to me that you're treating yourself like an enemy. Like your happiness is a roadblock to your success as a Jedi."

Alicio folded his arms together. "But even if that's true, which it's not, even Jedi regard their enemies with compassion."

"A true Jedi doesn't look down on others because they're weak, so don't do that to yourself, either."

- Kai Bamarri -

 

[Kai Bamarri]

Kai had fallen into the trap, though the lesson he was meant to impart from the senator’s words didn’t quite sink in.

<How would you know that? You’re not a Jedi. A Jedi’s life is sacrifice.>

He shook his head. <I can’t live with myself knowing that the power to save so much more was within my grasp. I gave it up because I was tired of being hated. I never should’ve cared what they thought of me…>

Pausing, he glanced surreptitiously toward the inside of his left elbow, where needle puncture marks were obscured by the long sleeve of his jumpsuit. <Weakening myself means that I’m not… hurting people as much anymore, maybe, but I am hurting myself. I should’ve just tried to be better, to control my urges, rather than running scared.>

He squeezed his eyes shut, as though it were painful to admit... <I should’ve stayed in my old Sithspawn body.>

The door to the training room suddenly slid open, putting their discussion on pause.

Alicio Organa​

 

[Zoar]

//Mmm~...MmmmmMMMmmm~....mmm~...//

The door slid open to the sound of robotic humming.

The massive silhouette of Zoar's combat mech blotted out the lights from the hallway. Absent-mindedly, the suit stepped into the training room, a song obviously stuck in the head of the being piloting it. He'd just returned from what amounted to Jedi tech support, beefing up security on the temple's computer terminals. It was tedious work; what better way to shake off the mundanity than a nice, private...

Occupied practice room.

//Ope,// Zoar squeaked, spying Kai and another Jedi he didn't recognize. The mech froze in place, then slowly backed out of the room, mouth moving a hundred miles a minute. //SorryIdidn'trealizethisonewastaken!//

The Miln fled into a neighboring room.

- Kai Bamarri -