Pandora's Box

[Scherezade deWinter]

"It did not, but that's not the point," Scherezade sighed, "it's always hated you being around. I thought all these months apart would have removed the effect you have on it. Guess I was wrong again."

No, it had not lied to her. Gerwald and Katrine expected her to stick around after what had happened. Gerwald either refused to believe that what both of them had done was betrayal, or expected her to simply turn the other cheek. She would not. Had she been the one to leave? Yes. But her leaving had only done the same as they had; theirs had been in the emotional and caring sense, hers had been physical. Because she would not stick around like a pet and lie and say everything was fine. That level of pretending was not something she had; Scherezade was raw emotion, for better or worse. But Gerwald had been her Shield Against the Darkness. Every time he was near, the Darkness was forced to temporarily go away. Ultimately though, it had not mattered at all. Even when they met, three days before she'd cast her spell, he had not cared about it. She had hoped… She had hoped that the time away would render his effect on it to nothing. She had ignored the fact that his effect on it had begun before she'd developed feelings for him. But Scherezade was wrong again; she could feel how far the Darkness had retreated. Not a millimeter of a difference.

"Josh wanted to help, but he couldn't," she sighed. He had tried. He had really tried. So had Daisy. But Gerwald couldn't understand. He had never experienced true loneliness. Even on Stewjon, he had his siblings. With the Confederacy, he'd had her and Katrine. Now, he had Katrine and his siblings, and whoever else he might have met and befriended along the way. He did not know what it was like to be betrayed by the only people he thought loved him. He did not know what it was like when those who'd betrayed him expected him to turn the other cheek.

But no, people were very happy. They'd always hated her. It didn't matter that she worked hard, that she was on every possible battle field, that she'd progressed with her abilities into being one of the best combatants the CIS had, whether drunk or sober. They are always so rude when they thought it was her, before Madalena had said anything at all, and sometimes even violent, and then when Madalena corrected them there was sudden respect and suddenly everything was all right and they were sorry.

Her brother? To that, Scherezade said nothing. What could she say? She had thought her brother was dead. She had tried to find him for so long, and had come up with absolutely nothing, not through the Force and not through any other means. And she knew her brother didn't like Madalena. But her brother hadn't known Scherezade. He did not know that something bad had been removed, and then replaced with something better. Gerwald couldn't even begin to guess how terrified she was of meeting her brother now, of him seeing what a broken mess his sister was, of how disappointed he was going to be if he ever realized what his twin was like; weak, pathetic, barely deserving of existing at all.

And challenging the lie… Right. He'd been so challenging of it when he was rude to Madalena.

He stepped back again. Every inch of her yearned to step forward, to close the distance again as the Darkness began to grow in the sky once more. She could sense its hunger, its desire to come for her again.

"Yes," she said quietly, "there was no place for me. Everything I did was always either wrong or not good enough. Drunk or sober, everywhere I went to I was laughed at, mocked, looked down on. One Bad Scherezade vanishes, one Good Madalena appears, everyone is happy. I put two loopholes into the spell in case there was an emergency, and other than that I was supposed to be just dead, see which religion had it right about the afterlife. Instead I came here."

She sighed. No one knew of what she was telling him; there was no way to relay the information back to anyone in any capacity.

"This is the space between dimensions," she explained, still looking at the ground, "it looks like a beach because that's how our brains translate it into visuals, but it's not really a place. Instead of dying I came here, and the Darkness is still trying to take me. And if it succeeds, it will come for Madalena next. I thought going away would take that away with it, but that didn't happen. I just wanted to be gone and instead I'm a guardian for the woman who's living the life I was never allowed to live."

All she wanted was that damned hug. That one touch after so many months of being in this place, where time stretched and shrank, and was quicker than what it was in the real world. She'd been there for so long now, bereft of people, bereft of conversation, of touch. But it was not going to happen. Scherezade braced herself. No doubt Gerwald would blame her for everything again, and when it came to this, it really was her own damned fault. But she didn't want to hear about it.

"You probably don't understand any of it. Not emotionally," Scherezade's voice was just barely above a whisper, "but I can show you, if you let me."

[member="Gerwald Lechner"]

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

Gerwald sighed.

It was clear that she was never going to understand because she was too busy feeling sorry for herself. Gerwald had literally mentioned people that tried to help give her a place after she had chosen to leave. At some point, Scherezade was going to have to admit that part of her issue was not because of other people, but because of what she chose to believe about herself.

"That does not mean there is no place for you, Scherezade. Both of us are young, you even more so than me. You had plenty of time to find your place. What about Endelaan? If it is not Endelaan the galaxy is huge. I just cannot fathom that there is NO place for you. There is nothing you can say to convince me otherwise, because so far all you have done is simply suggest that the reason you have no place is because people are mean."

His hand went to his head.

"I don't want to understand emotionally. I have plenty of my own that I am sorting through right now. You cannot even imagine how upset I am with you over this... and other things that I have since learned about. Then all of a sudden I am here... Scherezade I am in shock... almost literally. I mean the fact you are actually still alive... sort of... it is a lot to take in."

Gerwald was about to stop talking, but added one more line.

"And before you say anything... I may have broken your heart, but I never once laughed at you, or mocked you, or looked down on you. Katrine didn't either as far as I know. There are people who won't. Josh didn't did he? I mean I am really trying to understand how you can make such an absolute statement here..."

The darkness continued to display its anger.

"Okay... it seriously needs to stop so we can talk. Otherwise I'm gonna make it wish it had."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

Both of them were young? It was probably meant to be calming, but all it did was remind Scherezade of how they had joked about the age thing several times. Still, she said nothing. He could not phantom, he could not understand. And he did not wish to understand, even though she had a way of showing him. Scherezade hugged herself a little bit tighter at that statement.

But one thing he said was true. She could not imagine how upset he was over it. What did he have to be upset about? He had broken her heart in the most horrible of ways, had avoided her for months, and then when they finally did talk, all he could do was demand she crawled back to Katrine. To be upset, one had to care, but everything through his actions had pointed at the most opposite of directions, that he did not. So why did he? She didn't understand that.

But when Gerwald referred to the Darkness, there was little Scherezade could do but laugh. It surprised even herself; laughter? When was the last time she'd as much as giggled? Certainly before coming here, months before coming here.

"It won't," she said a few seconds later, "it's always been there, to one degree or another. Until you showed up. And when you go back, so will it."

Sighing, Scherezade sat down on the grass, pulling her knees to her chin and resting it on top of them. "Sit… Or stand, with your back to it," she suggested, "it's a little bit more annoying now because you can actually see because of where we are it, but it was similar to this before everything went to crap. You can't hit it because it keeps its distance from you."

She had told him as much, during their previous encounter. Being around him, him being her Shield Against the Darkness, had given her respites from fighting the Darkness. Ultimately, it had not mattered. The words she'd told him, had not mattered. Little to nothing had mattered at all. But now he was here, even if he was upset with her, and they were talking, and she was getting the smallest of mercies; by merely being there, even if by surprise, Gerwald was giving her something she had not had in months – a break from the fight.

"We can still talk with it over there...," she added quietly as she realized... Or thought she realized what Gerwald wanted. To talk.

[member="Gerwald Lechner"]

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

Of course they were both young. Yes, Scherezade was actually 500 years old or more, but most of that had been spent in a pebble. Her life outside had been brief, extremely brief. She knew nothing, really, of how the world worked, of course she struggled with finding her place. That did not mean her place did not exist.

Gerwald sat in the grass. It actually felt real, so he laid in it. He took in a couple of deep breaths. He had never asked to be her shield against the darkness, but he was.

"I never asked for that though. You just need to be rid of it, but I cannot help you. I can't help you if it runs from me... Just because... Just because things happen the way they did doesn't mean I don't care. I never stopped caring... I just... Tell me how to help."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

He lay down on the grass. Scherezade stared for a moment before averting her gaze again. For the split of a moment it almost felt like old times, when they could sit on the plains of Ryloth's Night Lands or just on the mountain top on Coruscant. But those days were gone. It was stupid to think of them like that again.

"You didn't," she agreed. How could she not agree? He had not even known, not until she told him, and she had told him when it was too late for anything. "And neither did I," she added quickly, "it took me a while to even understand that it was happening. If I had a choice about who to give this ability to I would have never made you the Shield, not without asking first and you agreeing to it. I thought the months apart would dim it or take it entirely away… And I'm sorry they did not. More than you can imagine."

It was just one of the many things that had tied them together, when everything was still so early. But ultimately, it had not mattered. She could count a thousand of moments in their time together that would show that they were meant to be together, and it still would not have mattered. Gerwald had made his choice, and it wasn't even about it not being her, but about how it had all happened, about how everything was said and done, the timing, the messages that came with it…

"You were helping me," she said quietly, "before… Before things happened. When you were around, it couldn't get close. Not asleep and not awake. And it had a lingering effect. It gave me the rest that I needed in between rounds. It was having a harder and harder time coming closer when you weren't around."

But that obviously could not happen again. She could not ask to share a bed together and sleep hugged as they had, even if was without doing the physical stuff that they always did before the sleeping stuff. And she couldn't ask him to visit her regularly in the place between dimensions either. He had touched Madalena's skin to get there – and that could only mean one thing, because she knew Madalena, like her, slept without her clothes on.

"And then it swallowed me up for years, and everything changed for the worse," Scherezade sighed, "I hadn't slept at all. Between waking up to seeing you and Kat together, to when I cast the spell that went so wrong. I couldn't. It was there, every time I closed my eyes. Sometimes when I was exhausted enough I could get maybe ten minutes before it came again, or an hour or two of just the black part of sleep if I managed to keep enough of the liquor in my body, and I was so scared…"

She looked to the Darkness, far away in the sky. Still the size of a pin's head. Still angry. Everything that it had touched in the sky had become nothing. No air, no sky, no clouds. That was what it did; it swallowed everything and destroyed it entirely. And for some reason, it insisted on having her, and by extension, Madalena.

"I don't understand you," Scherezade said after a pause, "if you never stopped caring, how could you treat me the way that you did?"

[member="Gerwald Lechner"]

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

"But see that is what I am still having a hard time getting. You keep saying years, but Katrine... she knew, she felt something so we came to get you. You out for maybe 2 weeks tops before you woke up..."

Gerwald sat up slightly. He was not ready to wade into what had happened between them yet. In truth he had made a decision. He chose Katrine over her, and as much as he tried to deny the fact Katrine was a Lupine had nothing to do with it, it did. It was not the only reason, and he never wanted Scherezade to think it was because she was not a Lupine. The truth was hard to explain in a way that would make it seem that way. Gerwald loved knowing there were other Lupines out there and he wanted a future that included them.

Yes, Alwine had made him aware of what Scherezade wanted to do, and it was another point that was upsetting to him. That was neither here nor there. His mind was currently focussed on one thing. If there was a way for relationships to be mended, that was what he wanted to try. Gerwald wasn't looking for things to go back to how they had been, he had been foolish enough to try. Katrine had broken her feelings away from her memories, so it was likely things would never be repaired between them. Yet Gerwald still wanted to see some kind of reconciliation. He hated that because of his choices it was no longer the three of them. It would never be the three of them again.

Then Scherezade asked her question.

Gerwald sighed.

"Which time," he asked. "It is no excuse, but I care for you both. I hurt you both. I hurt you more. What is worse I destroyed the relationship you had with Katrine. I get it... you will always make her party to what happened, but you also never slowed down enough to just listen to what was being said, and I felt like I had to fix what I could. Things... they won't ever be what they were again, and I have accepted that. You and Katrine will not be how you were. It will never be the three of us conquering the world again. But has it ever been too much to hope that I could somehow make some things better?"

"I know I have like zero good answers for you. I can't say I didn't love you, that would be a lie. I can't say I simply chose Katrine because she offered me the chance to rule at her side, because that is a lie. You want to ask how could I do this to you if I ever cared and even still do care, but you have to understand I have to ask that question about what I did to both you and Katrine. Other than being selfish I have no answer... but I don't think that is the question you are really asking... This is it though... we are here and I am not going anywhere for awhile. I can at least give you a break from the darkness. So ask... what is it you REALLY want to ask."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

"Time moves differently between dimensions," Scherezade said quietly. She was still seated, her knees tucked carefully under her chin. With one hand, she began to doodle in the sand that began a mere few inches away from her and towards the beach. "Where you were, it was a week. Where I was, it was a few years…"

A few years of fighting to come back to keep a promise. A few years of torture. A few years of believing that if she could just keep her promise, everything would be all right, and she would have her proof that the Darkness was lying, and that none of what it had said was true, and that she was allowed to not believe it anymore. But that wasn't what had happened. Every word had been true, down to the very core. Katrine preferred to give her up entirely before she'd ever woken up so she could have her man, Gerwald had chosen to leave her, her brother hated the better version she'd pushed forward…

"You need to stop saying you ruined my relationship with Katrine, because you did not," she said point blank, looking at him now, "I was not upset because you'd been with her. We owed each other no exclusivity, and we had not promised each other monogamy. I did not detach myself from Katrine because she touched you or even loved you. I exploded and I left because Katrine knew. When she finalized her choice, she knew that I was in love with you, she knew that I had no idea you two had anything going on, and she knew that I would wake up into a world that would be changed by her choice, and she did not care enough to think that perhaps it would be best to wait just a little, to update me, to let me know, to care if I was all right. You see, that is what it means, to be sold, but to become so unimportant, that you are just that. Unimportant. She stood by my body and just didn't care at that point. At that point, it no longer mattered whether there had been an actual claiming or not. And that was her betrayal. And that is a wound she has given me that will never heal, no matter what blood magic I cast, no matter how many millennia I live."

Scherezade sighed.

"You know, Josh stumbled into her," she said quietly, "they talked. He told me that he told her that I wanted to die. I almost killed him for that. That was so many months ago…" And Katrine had not come. Katrine had not reached out. Katrine had not cared to do something about it. That had been the final confirmation for Scherezade, the final knowing that it was done. That it had never existed. Her grandmother had put the pebble in Katrine's hands and they had never truly been sisters. Not at all. It was just one of the many illusions that Scherezade had held in her naivety.

And when Gerwald popped that last question, Scherezade froze. It was not what she truly wanted to know? No, she had genuinely and truly wanted to know, and still did not. Perhaps it was one of those things that she never would know. But what was the thing she wanted to know?

"How could I not be good enough to choose?" she found herself asking before the words were finished forming in her mind, "why was I only good enough to throw away like that?"

Before he could answer, she raised her hand. No. She wanted to speak first. "There was never the three of us conquering the galaxy, Gerwald. It was the three of us exactly once. The second time, we were all three there, but you and I were busy with each other. We did not know that Katrine was becoming the defecator of bones or whatever it is. And you did not come out of either of those events feeling like you could conquer the world.

I saw the moment you realized you could have the galaxy. I was there. I helped built that moment for you because I wanted you to have it, to know it. I convinced you to learn how to pilot because I wanted you to have the freedom to move around the galaxy. You spoke of how all you wanted was to be free, and I did everything I could to help you see how you could be, and I know it was working, because I was there.

You were willing to die for me when you took on that blood oath. You were willing to die for me when you jumped after me off that balcony. You and I danced together – not that clumsy standing, but really danced, and our bodies were made to fit each other. I was not the only one that saw that. You played with my hair for hours, and you let me play with yours.

I was beginning to think that I'd been wrong; that there was such a thing as destiny, because every single sign pointed that we were meant to be together. Because I knew that of whoever the people were that were in your life, I was showing you the freedom, I was making that freedom tangible for you in the scope that expanded beyond simply leaving Stewjon, beyond simply joining the Confederacy.

So after all of that and all the other moments and things we did, how could that not be enough? How could that not be so much more than enough?"

[member="Gerwald Lechner"]

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

"Yes well, that seems to be the one thing we have covered many times at least."

Gerwald simply did not understand the metaphysical in this regard. Years where for him it had been almost a week, it was still hard to get his mind around. He simply had to accept it. There was nothing else for him to do in that matter.

He was bothered by one thing. Scherezade may have been right that it was not entirely his fault, but the way she talked about Katrine. Gerwald could only wonder what she would have done if the same exact thing had the roles been reversed. There was only one way to find out though, and that was to ask.

"What about you though, can you say with all honesty that you would have chosen Katrine over me? Could you have chosen to be with me knowing that she loves me? Can you honestly say that you would want her to feel the same heartbreak you felt in all of this? You have got to understand I am baffled how either of you could even still want to love me after what I did.

She likely had never thought of it that way. Gerwald knew that Katrine would have been broken as well. HE had put them both in that situation, and they both were so quick to want to love him still. It was baffling to him. In the end he had made his choice, they all had made choices. Those choices led to where they were now.

Scherezade finally asked the one question that was at the heart of everything... why hadn't he chosen her. The question launched her into another one of her monologues about what life had been like when they were together for those moments. None of it was wrong, just incomplete. The only reason was because Gerwald had been living other things as well. There was more going on Scherezade did not see, nor had seen. It was never about not being good enough to choose. Though there was no way when the option was presented as a comparison that Gerwald could make it seem like it was anything else. There was only one answer, the same answer he had given everyone from the day he had to make the choice.

"And you think that I don't think about those moments? I have lived so much since leaving Stewjon, you have been there for some of it. Katrine has also. Alwine and I have even done things with our freedom that we never could have on Stewjon. Maybe to others I had more than three options, but I had 3 options. You, her, or neither. I was going to break one heart or both in that moment, and believe me I caused pain to both of you. When I close my eyes and I try to imagine the future, Katrine is there..."

It was always the same answer he fell back on, but there was also truth to it. Whether it was the right future, plenty would debate that with him. Alwine was one of them. However, Gerwald had made his choice, and it was a choice based on what he saw for himself. He chose what the wolf inside him pushed him towards. Gerwald chose based on the strange pull he had felt on Stewjon. Was that freedom, maybe or maybe not.

"I am so deeply sorry that I caused you so much hurt and pain. It was never my intention."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

Had she known he was not understanding, she would have explained it to him. How long had they been sitting on that beach and talking now? More than a minute, that was certain. And yet Scherezade knew that sooner or later Gerwald would have to go back, and when he'd go and be with Madalena again, it would be as though barely a handful of seconds had passed.

His question though, drew a sigh from her. They had covered the very same subject when they had their fight on Geonosis, the fight that had ultimately become the last conversation before Scherezade had ceased to exist.

"I don't know what I would have done if either of you had made me choose one or the other," she said in earnest, "but I know this, because I have already told you this when we spoke on Genosis - If you had chosen me, had told me the entire truth, I would have told you to wait, and I would have gone to Katrine. Making sure she was all right or would be all right, that would have been my immediate priority."

There was no reason to elaborate on it. She'd elaborated on it in the past. Gerwald was a Force user and he could taste her words to know if she spoke truth or not, and if he did, he would find that she indeed spoke the truth. For her all her faults, Scherezade was loyal and loving almost to a fault, right up until she was betrayed and everything shattered. And even after removing herself, she had wished neither Katrine nor Gerwald any ill. She had stayed away.

"Prior to you going to get your siblings, I was there for most of it, and we both know it," she said quietly. And it should have been her on Stewjon as well, and the moments after that. She had seen Alwine through Madalena's memories and she knew that she and Alwine would have been friends if not closer than that.

"And you think choosing me would have kept her from being in your future?" she asked, "I would have never stood between you and other Lupines and you damned well know it."

If he had to break one or both hearts in that moment, why was it hers that had to break? Why was she constantly the one paying the price for everything?

"Of course you imagine her there like that," she said, "you decided that I was going to be only one to pay the full price for hat you'd done. Why imagine someone you hurt that badly having any sort of place in your future? Much easier to imagine the one hurt less and give yourself a free pass.

You never had the intention to? If it'd always been her, how can you claim that when you knew something was happening when you cut that heart. How can you claim you never had no intention to cause hurt and pain when I told you I loved you and not only did you outright lie about Katrine, you also stuck around for much longer than that to get more moments, more firsts, more everything.

And for what? You don't even have the look of someone who's been experiencing many more of those kind of firsts and moments. I can see it all over you and with ease, and don't you try to tell me it's because you're here because I can sense it runs much deeper than that, much longer than that."

She's always known. She'd always been able to read his moods, and know the way the little muscles contorted on his face meant things. Except for the hiding and the lying. To that, she had been entirely oblivious. Scherezade had told Gerwald, she'd told him that if they could imagine it, they could do it, but she'd never been able to imagine that he would lie so deeply to her about anything.

[member="Gerwald Lechner"]

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

"And certainly you say that. I have no reason to doubt you. However, would you have done the same thing... had I chosen you instead of her, would have accepted me, made your decision to be with me knowing that she loved me... that she does love me?"

It was the exact point Gerwald wanted to make, because the way Scherezade talked, the way she questioned, the answer was obvious. She would have. Scherezade would have chosen a man that had broken her "sister's" heart knowing that Katrine loved him. It was the primary reason why he did not think her argument had any room to stand. Had things been reversed she may have seen to Katrine's well being, but she would have contributed to further heart break.

Everything else was simply doubling down on the same argument they had on geonosis, or the same fights Gerwald had with Alwine. Gerwald simply rolled his eyes as she went on her tirade.

"I didn't say a future WITH you would keep me from her. I said when I imagine my future SHE was there. Follow the logic Scherezade. If SHE was there... then what does that mean. And you have made it all the more true," Gerwald exclaimed as he stood from where he had been laying. It was clear he was upset, and trying to not yell. "YOU left, YOU did. Then not only did you leave. YOU KILLED YOURSELF. You made it permanent. YOU did that, no one else. And here you want to talk about the fact I don't look like I have experienced many firsts? You haven't been there to know... but guess what... Madalena has. Katrine has. Katrine took me to the first wedding I have ever been to that wasn't on Stewjon. Madalena was there when Alwine and I made a wish on a wishing tree. I have discovered I am strong with mental manipulation in the force. You should have been there to see the look on my face the first time someone did a mind share or a battle meld. You know how I know... because Madalena was there, but YOU you were not."

"You want to sit here and tell me about how much you loved me, but if you loved me half as much as you claim then you would have never killed yourself. The kind of love you talk about... it produces hope, and you talk like someone who had no hope. So what does that lead me to believe... that the love you claim to have had wasn't powerful at all. It didn't give you hope that things might change... even if they never would have... I mean you killed yourself before knowing whether we had or had not claimed each other. You don't even see it do you? Not that it matters anyway because you killed yourself. You single handedly ensured that the darkness was right.... that you would be alone. You did that with what you chose to do in response to what happened."

"And yes I stuck around... for another few hours. You didn't know about Katrine and she did not know about you. I did that to you both and I had never intended for things to happen like they did. Ask all you want how... it doesn't change the fact that is truth. It also is truth that there were parts of my life you were not there for when I left Stewjon. You were not there for most of it... you were there for parts of it."

"This is just dumb anyway... because you killed yourself. At the end of it all... we are here in this exact moment because of the choices we have made, and yours is rather permanent."

Gerwald just sighed. Would she at least own it, or would she talk around it all?

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

"Maybe? I don't know," she answered truthfully, "but if I had, it would not have been so immediate, that would be for certain, it would have been handled with much more delicacy and care. Stop playing what ifs with me just to undermine what I'm trying to tell you."

His point was dumb. He was asking her to ply a game of what ifs while ignoring all the nuances and the details that would've gone into it. He could think her argument had no ground to stand on all he wanted to, but he was just simply and plainly wrong. Had things been reversed, Katrine would never have been given reason to think she'd been betrayed, because she would not have.

And then Gerwald began to not-yell at her, standing up. Scherezade could absolutely not remain on the ground while he did so and she got up as well, her fists clenched as he continued to yell at her.

"YOU DISCARDED ME!" she not-yelled right back at him when he was done and sighed, "you decided to toss me away! YOU went to that wedding and YOU knew I could see you and her dancing the way you and I danced, without music, with my ear pressed to your heart. YOU did that! Madalena was there by the tree but she wasn't with you during it. YOU are the one who refuses to listen time and time again because I said earlier that there were ways to undo this!

Yes, I love you. You're a bloody bastard and I love you even though I know I should know better. Is that what you want to hear? You say love produces hope but what hope did I have? My sister and the man I loved decided to betray me and now you say I should have what, stuck around? Like a pet? Is that what you want, Gerwald? For me to have helped you to remove the invisible leash that Stewjon still had around your neck only so you could leash me? To keep me around so you would have someone to fall back on if things didn't pan out?

I tried! I tried so hard, to move on, to let it go. I became a drunk because I just wanted to down out the feelings of it all, to try not to feel, but I felt, and I felt it all, and I always knew where you were and I know damned well that you always knew where I was too but not once did you care enough to even ask how I was holding up. When you found me on Geonosis all you could do was berate me and try to make me feel even worse.

I was there for most of it before the Jedi almost killed me and you damned well know it. But fine. Don't believe me. You'll just blame me again for leaving after what you did. Blame me again for not staying around like a good puppy with my head down and just accepting everything.

You can't even begin to imagine what I went through."

With that, she thrust her hand forward. Not enough to touch him, not even coming to har him, but merely holding her hand up. "Touch my hand and you will know," she said, "you will know what I went through, during, after, everything. I have nothing to hide. I never did."

Before he could move to touch or deny her, Scherezade sighed. "What do you want from me, Gerwald?" she asked, "Not what you want me to do with Katrine. What do you want from me. Why are you suddenly so angry that I did not stick around after what you did? Why are you angry that I did not wait for your claiming? Why are you angry that I did not stick around to see more of our moments re-play themselves out with another? What. Do. You Want."

[member="Gerwald Lechner"]

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

"I am not undermining your point with what ifs. I am telling you that you would have done the same thing... even if more delicate... you would have let me break her heart and still choose to be with me. More delicate does not make it more right, and if you think that," Gerwald simply shook his head.

He sighed. Gerwald was getting tired of explaining everything, and what was more, Scherezade wasn't even trying to hear him. It was the same as when she ran off, despite how much they tried to explain they had not claimed each other, she just refused to stop and slow down long enough to listen to what anyone was saying.

​"It was legitimately the first time we saw you after you had said if I see you again outside of a mission I will kill you. You keep forgetting that you threatened to kill us, and every time I remind you about it, you downplay it or handwave it away. Did I know you could see us... no, because I when looked you were not looking. I saw the back of you. You are insuitaing intent based on an assumption. You have been doing this every time this comes up... you left... you reacted the way you reacted... you made no motion to try and smooth the threats over. Did you ever realize that despite what happened you may have overreacted, even if justified.? And why are you not listening to me... you killed yourself. You decided there was no hope... I didn't say you had to stick around and torture yourself emotionally, but the decision to kill yourself tells me you didn't love me like you say. For all I know you didn't try... the wedding... that was like a week after things happened and you were already a drunk. That isn't trying to hold it together. That wasn't trying to move on. That was wallowing in self pity."

Gerwald did not need to imagine what she went through, nor did he want to. When Scherezade offered her hand, he simply shook his head no.

"What do I want... I want you to move on. Not... oh I can't move on so I am going to be a drunk... or end my life. I thought you were bigger and stronger than that. Look... I didn't even ask to come here, or be here. I was simply trying to wake someone up who was having a nightmare. Then I find myself here. Fix this... get out of here... and then move on... truly move on. Live life and stop making excuses as to why you can't or that no one wants you or likes you. And I am not suddenly so angry that you didn't. I was angry from the start at how you handled yourself... it was the same fight on Geonosis. I just want you to accept responsibility that things could have been different had you slowed down... as it is... I don't see how they can be."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

"And when we finally talked you said you knew I wouldn't kill you," she pointed out, her voice quiet now. No more not-yelling. No more not-screaming. "If it's justified it's not an overreaction. I'm listening to you. You're blaming me. Again. Because after all is said and done, you and Katrine get to live your happy lives together and you can mount her while you're both in wolf form and I'm the one bearing the punishment for all that's happened. Because I'm not the one that tried to smooth things over, because it was m responsibility to fix everything after I'd been damaged so badly from you, from her, from the Darkness, from everything else.

Do you not krakking dare say I don't love you enough. I was offered another adoption not too long after that. Do you know why I didn't accept? Because he wanted me to kill you for what you'd done. Then another one wanted to use my pain to train me and I had to run away from him too, do you know why? Because he wanted me to kill you as well. I could accept either of their help and sacrifice you instead and even drunk and full of sorrow I never once considered accepting those offers or others that were similar."

Any maybe that was her fault. Maybe she should have accepted the offers.

"You said you could not imagine your life without me," she reminded him, suddenly remembering what he had said when they were on Coruscant. Glowing green eyes looked up, wet with near tears. But she would not give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry. He thought she was bigger and stronger? She was the biggest, she was almost the strongest, and that was but part of why she'd fallen so hard.

"Here's the krakking responsibility," her voice dipped, "yes, things would've been different if I'd accepted their offers. Things would've been different if I'd stuck around like the pet you say you don't want but hint that you do. Things would have been so different if I'd stuck around and just continued to pay the price for everyone's wrongdoings in silence, like a good little girl."

Slowly, Scherezade began to step towards Gerwald. The look on her face now was not one of pain, was not one of sorrow. It was a look he had seen so many times, in the early days, the look of a predator.

"And things would have been different if you had chosen differently. We would not be in this mess. We would not be here. I would not hurt. I would not have to deny the chance to get help when that price was your life, because I would not need the sort of help that they were offering. And I needed it. I needed it so badly. But I gave it up, because to me, a 'verse that didn't have you in it was worse than a 'verse in which you'd done what you'd done to me."

Behind Scherezade, chunks of sand began to rise. She did not have her knives with her; none of the weapons anyone carried came to this place, the place that was between dimensions. But since Gerwald and Scherezade both saw the beach, she knew they could both see the sand, and her telekinesis formed, shaping those chunks of sand into knives.

"There would have been so many more firsts, firsts that I can easily tell you are not getting. There would have been adventures. You would have probably been better trained. You would never be bored, or angry, or," she sniffed him, now a mere few inches away, and smiled, "or inching to the Darkside? Now there's a surprise. Welcome to the Darkside, Gerwald Lechner," That was not something you went to when everything was fine. That was something you were born into, or things being wrong led you to. Or maybe she was just making things up because they suited her. Who knew.

Three sand-knives fanned around her, almost identical in shape to the ones she had always carried before. And she grinned.

"And all this for what?" she laughed, "for someone who would've been in your future regardless. For someone that you have so little passion with that you can't even dance with. Because I've seen you dance."

And with that, just as it had on that knight on Ryloth, one of the sand-knives flew into her hands and she pointed it at his Adam's apple, and her body was ready, ready to come forward and stand into the position that they both had that night.

"You said someone with your body wasn't meant to be able to dance," Scherezade whispered, "You were the wolf and I called you a mouse. And yet look how magnificently you dance with me."

[member="Gerwald Lechner"]

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

Gerwald was not blaming Scherezade for anything, but he was also tired of arguing with her. She was going to leave, but she didn't have to leave the way she had. Her actions had directly led to Katrine being so hurt the Nightmother cast a spell on herself to eliminate the feelings which were associated with the memories. Gerwald had been given the same option, but in the end he had not taken it. This moment was making him wonder if that had been the right decision.

It also proved nothing to him that she refused to kill him. In the end, she had chosen to "end her life." That sounded like the timeline was removed from her decision, and that following through with what she had done happened after all these things she told him about. Gerwald was not going to explain all the ways their could have still be hope for her, and since she simply wanted to narrow his words and thoughts to one singular thing he was supposedly saying, Ger just stopped trying. It seemed she did not have the ability to understand or comprehend him, that was a pity.

She kept going... completely ignoring or handwaving some of the firsts he did say that he had experienced. Her narrative was formed, and Gerwald could do nothing. He finally just threw up his hands.

"I can't even with you... I seriously just listed some firsts that you missed out on." he exclaimed.

Scherezade used the sand to create daggers, and moved to recreate their first dance. However, Gerwald did nothing.

"I am not going to do this Scherezade. I refuse to live in the past, and you... you just refuse to live. It is sad really. You wanted me to be free, and here you are a prisoner of your own making. You need help. You need to let go. You need to want to live for you, and not for anyone or anything else. I'm not going to dance with you... and I think it is time you either tell me how to get you out of here so you can live... or you need to tell me how I can get out of here."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

It was Geonosis all over again. He was refusing to listen to her and she was at the ends of her wit. She had just taken on all the responsibility he had said he wanted her to. She had told him that she had given up on help offered to her when she'd been broken and crumbling because that help had come with the need to kill him and she'd refused to do that.

"I didn't say you had none, I said there'd have been many more with me," she corrected him, though her voice was quiet now.

He did not want to dance. The sand dagger at his throat dissolved, turning to just sand again, falling down between them, who were still standing a mere few inches away. The same happened to the other two sand knives that had been floating behind her.

But she hadn't ignored anything. She hadn't handwaved anything away. And…

"If you want to leave just turn around and start walking. After a few steps you'll be back on Madalena's ship," was the first thing she said. She was not keeping him her against his will. She'd never wanted to force him into doing anything. That didn't mean she didn't want him to change his mind though, to realize that he'd chosen wrongly, that she was the one he was supposed to choose. She was harshly aware of her own wrongdoings, her own weaknesses, more acutely than Gerwald could ever imagine that she did, and yet she still thought that…

But it didn't matter what she thought, did it?

"There are two ways that will get me out of here," she said, resigned, "that I know of, anyway." Because perhaps her spell had more areas in which it had failed. But if that had been the case, she would've been back by now, wouldn't she?

Looking up, Scherezade studied Gerwald's face. Even after everything, not a single hug, not a single how are you. She'd wanted him to be free, yes. She'd given him the tools for that, she'd walked him through many of the first things that had made it happen. But she didn't want to be paying for his freedom, not like this. But no one cared, did they?

"The easy way is a quick fix solution," she decided to tell him. He could know it all. Scherezade had never hidden anything from him and she had no intention to start now, even though she was scared chitless out of her mind now. For all she knew he could use the information to bring her back just to watch her continue to suffer while he sat on his high horse.

"But please understand first," she continued, "I want to come back," she finally admitted out loud, "I've wanted to come back for a long time now. I want to live, and see things, and do things, and not through Madalena's memories every now and then. And despite my attempt to kill myself, I was around the entire time. Entire portions of me bled through. Madalena's action, her combat prowess, all of that, that's not her. That's me. Or rather, that's her using parts of me, without her knowing about it. Her paintings, her nightmares, even how she eats… That's parts of me that are coming through the spell and not by my design."

Had she known that Gerwald had almost died, which was why he was on Madalena's ship to begin with, she would have pointed out that it was not a coincidence that he was in her ship and not the other Knight Obsidian ship that had survived. But she didn't, so she couldn't.

"The quick fix way is to put Madalena on the Giggledust," Scherezade got to it, "after that horrible night, I had to find a way to leave the Mandragora. I skinned my own back that very same night to remove the mark of the Jart, and used the blood on the walls. There is power in that blood, in the words that are written on those walls, words that describe every single thing that happened to be when I was trapped in the Darkness, a week in the real world but years inside there. If my body is exposed to that, it will shatter the spell entirely. And the ship is in Josh's possession right now. I don't know where he put it, but he's the Master of the Order, so it's not hard to find him.

The second way is a harder one. The second way…" Scherezade sighed now. How dumb would he think she was once he'd heard it? "The second way is just… If I could find a place. Somewhere I could fit. If there was a place for me, and Madalena found it, the spell would break itself."

There. He had all he wanted. Now whether he wanted to do or not do something about it was up to him.

"But let me ask you this," she added, "why, Gerwald? Why is every single thing I say or do, judged so harshly by you? Because you make it sound like nothing I ever do will ever be good enough. I left you, yes, to be with your choice. That seems to be a point you keep getting angry over. I stayed away and tried to deal and that gets judged as wrong as well. It's like nothing I say or do merits even the smallest amount of sympathy, a hug, anything really that isn't just even more harsh judging. You talk to me as though every single thing I've done since you didn't show up on the Fortressa is all wrong wrong wrong.

But I showed you how to be free. I loved you. I cared about you. I tried to get you to your siblings before anyone knew they were in any sort of danger. I offered you the ship you're currently on because you wanted to have a place for them. I devised a way to grow the Lupine species in numbers because I loved you so much and I wanted to give that to you. I refused help from people who wanted to give it to me because the price for that was killing you. I would have undergone the procedure to turn into a Lupine myself if you'd have said that was what you wanted. And I felt, even though it took you as much longer to say it, that you loved me, which was part of why I did so many things and had ideas and plans and everything. But now… Now it feels you're forcing yourself to push it all away, to minimize it, to make it as though it doesn't matter. It almost feels like you're doing it on purpose. And the only thing I ever wanted from you, was for you to love me the way that I love you. Much as I try to deny it, when I think of my future, if I have one, I see you in it, as the person by my side, man and wolf. And no, I don't mean coming back just for you. But I want you to be part of the future I have, and not just as a memory of good things turned bitter. I want to be yours and for your to be mine. I want…"

Scherezade closed her eyes and forcefully stopped herself. She could be talking like this, over these things, for hours on end if given the opportunity. But she didn't know if Gerwald even wanted to hear it. She was terrified that what she'd just said would pull another angry and minimizing response from him. It was her promise to him that had helped her survive the tortures in the Darkness. Even after that horrible night, she could still sense him everywhere. Her heart still yearned for him, and he said he loved her still too, despite his behavior and words. How could none of that mean anything? How could she push away the feeling that despite it all, they were meant to be together, that there was such a destiny, after he'd sort of convinced her of it even though it was not on purpose? And like him, she did not want to live in the past. Unlike what he thought, she did want to live. And in that future, it was him she wanted to live with, despite everything.

[member="Gerwald Lechner"]

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

"I know you didn't, and let's be fair. You can only say you think there would have been more. You cannot know that for sure, just as you cannot know everything that has happened when you were not at my side. That's the problem with all of this. You are judging everything through everything you have seen mixed with the feelings you have. You are not pausing long enough to be objective about the fact that I have had other firsts, and will continue to do so regardless of whether you are there or not."

He wasn't shouting. Gerwald was simply being honest.

"It is almost as if you are making my experiences a slave to being attached to you... without even realizing that is what you are doing."

She gave him his answer. If he wanted to leave all he had to do was turn around and start walking. Gerwald was heavily tempted to do just that. He knew they were not on the same page at all. Even the things she was wanting to do for him, while full of the right motives were things that produced a reaction she would not want. Everything that came out of her mouth was almost parrot what Alwine had said at one point, and it was clear to him that she simply had gotten it from the damned letter Scherezade had written them. Even after he had chosen Katrine she was still wanting to do those things, and Gerwald could not understand why. He didn't want to for fear it would only make him more upset than he already was.

"Don't you see Scherezade," he said after she had finished everything. "If you want to live, then why did you do what you did? There was part of you that wanted that, and you gave into it. You chose death rather than clinging to life, because while there is pain in life at least you are alive, and if you are alive you can have hope. Whether that hope is something you realize, that is another matter. But hope exists. I lived without it for so long. Told there were none of my kind, and when I met Katrine it opened up a world that had never thought possible. There were other Lupines. If that was true then what else could I hope for?

Ger paused for the briefest of moments to collect his thoughts before he decided to continue. He was going to have to answer her question, and he was going to have to deal with what she wanted.

"You know as much as I do that you have to make your own place in the galaxy. I knew you were still in Madalena the moment I saw the painting on the ship, but there is one massive difference between you and Madalena. She made herself a place. You can get out of her, but you cannot simply wait for some place to be made for you. The world doesn't work that way, so you have to abandon that line of thinking entirely. How a Sth can even think that way is beyond me especially when they are known to take what they want. I'll find Josh.

It was onto the harder questions now. However she could not seem to figure out that Gerwald understood her leaving to be exactly as it sounded a threat.

"Look, Scherezade, there is one thing you have to stop doing. You have to stop painting the way you left to be anything other than what it was. You threatened us when you left... regardless of whether I knew you could do it or not... at the time it was a threat. You did not leave so I could be with my choice. You left because you felt betrayed and abandoned. Maybe that is how you see it now, but that is not consistent with your behavior in the moment. That is why judge what you say if you must truly know."

"I do not think you are being honest with yourself. You know what you want, that is great, but have you ever stopped to think that what you did that night burned any bridge that you could have returned on. There are no debts between us, so enjoy your claiming, and your choosing, and your love. Enjoy it to the fullest, and die surrounded by fat grandchildren. That is what you said right before you told us that you would kill either of us approached you outside a mission. And yet at every turn that I could I at least tried to help you find a way back to Katrine because I knew how much the two of you loved each other. For all I care you could still want me dead and I would deserve that. This is where we are however. You want to do everything in the world to find your way back to me, but you destroyed whatever paths there were back to that because of the myriad of things you have chosen since."

Ger stopped and breathed for a moment.

"I know what you want. You want to start over. You want what we had before anything else happened, and you want the future where Endelaan was ours, but I chose a path that takes me home to Figaro Favoura VII. I chose that, and to give you what you want, now... I would have to destroy Katrine. You would ask me to break her as much as I have broken you without one thought about it? That is something I can and will never do again. I will never hurt anyone to the depth and length that I have hurt you. I am so sorry that I did, and that I had to in order to learn this lesson, but what you want asks me to be that person again... a person I do not ever want be ever again."

It was said, but it was true. Gerwald had realized, thanks to Alwine's help, just the kind of person he had been. Gerwald had determined to himself that he would never be that person ever again.

"If you still want to be free knowing that... and I hope to the force you do because that would prove me to be sooo wrong in many things, then I will help you get out, and we know that I cannot be here to do that. I am going to have to turn and leave, but I promise you with every fiber of my being I will bring you out of this cage."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

"Like you can't know for sure what would've happened if you'd chosen me at the time, but somehow it's only a problem if I do it," was her dry response. He could think he was being as honest as he wanted to be about it. But the entire conversation of what ifs was made based on not knowing, and on making assumptions. Yet somehow she was wrong if she did it, but he was right if he did.

When he said making his experience a slave to her, she looked up, the pain and shock all too easy to read. That had not been what she'd meant, and there was no chance in hell that he could ever assume she did.

And then he asked her why she did what she did if she wanted to live. Scherezade shook her head. It didn't matter that her heart yearned for him, that she still wanted nothing more than for him to just wrap his arms around her shoulders – he just did not understand. Whether by choice or not, it was almost like he was being purposefully stubborn.

"It's easy for you to say that hope exists, Gerwald," she sighed, "you thought you were the last Lupines in the galaxy. Plural. Your mother might have been horrible, but you had your siblings. You had someone close to you. You were never truly alone. You never felt the depths of despair that I have, and I hope to the Force that you never will because despite everything, I still want you to have a good life. And even though you look down on me so harshly, I still believe that you and I could be more amazing than anything else either of us have experienced thus."

Scherezade sighed again. He did not understand that Madalena had built herself a place because Scherezade had designed her to be so. That there were extensive parts of what Madalena was doing that were Scherezade. But with how he'd tackled nuances so far, she didn't have the energy open yet another sleeve to go into.

"I'm sorry I threatened you," she chose to say at last, after a pause, "but you shattered me when I was minutes out of years of torture. It was very literally among the very first things that happened. The first thing, after you convinced me I was no longer still inside the Darkness. You can think what you like about why I left you two alone but the bottom line remains that I left the two of you alone. I was not in your life, even though I continued to protect both of yours, but you don't care about that. All you do is lay the entire blame on me. It's entirely my fault bridges are burned, it's entirely my fault things are chit, all of it, my fault.

Well guess what. I didn't have anyone to show me the ropes. I didn't have anyone to jump off a building after. I didn't have anyone trying to drill into my head that I could do what I want, that the galaxy was mine. I've had to deal with each and every single step along the way on my own.

So here I am, asking you - help me rebuild it. You can't put each and every single thing that happened on my shoulders alone. We had our building blocks. We had an incredible time together. And guess what? I don't want it back. I want something better. Something that uses our past experiences to be more amazing than that, bigger than that, everything good more than that. Because you're completely right. The bridges burned. What I want from you is to help me rebuild them. Even if you think I'm the only one to blame in their destruction, I can't build them back alone.

Because I can't believe that what happened means nothing. I can't believe that it's always been Katrine if what happened between us was not a fake. I can't believe that how I feel about you, and the fact that you still love me, is meaningless, when it's what helped me survive the Darkness. I can't believe that when you and I can still sense each other so deeply when we're on the same planet, because that's deeper than people just knowing each other. And I can't believe there is nothing mutual because when I wrote the spell, you were meant to be invisible to Madalena unless your life was in danger but instead she felt you as a Beacon through the Force.

I didn't want Endelaan to be our future, Gerwald. I wanted Endelaan to be a possible future. That's not the same. I didn't want to make you its King. I wanted to be with you, and spend time with you, and grow together as two free people who wanted to be with each other, and later on choose together how to spin the path before we walked it. Because as long as I was free to come to Endelaan's protection if it needed it, I don't need to rule it. Because I wanted you to be free, and me to be free, and I wanted us to be free together, and a crown, even when chosen, is the opposite of freedom. A king nd queen might rule over a planet, but it is not their property – they serve the people on it. And any rulers that do not, are no different from how you described the Lords of Stewjon.

Do you remember? On Coruscant, I told you about Endelaan and you were terrified of the idea that they would accept you because of what you are and not because of who you are. And yet you say you found your way home to Figaro Fortuna, where the only reason you're not one of the plebs is because of what you are – a Lupine, and no other virtues or characteristics put you on top of the hierarchy there, save for your ability to shift from man to wolf and wolf to man."

Force damn him. Why couldn't she ever use few words as possible next to him, even now, even after everything?

"You said your experiences a slave to being attached to me… But then you say you will never leave Katrine. That is exactly what slavery is, even if you put your shackles on yourself. I don't want you to leave her for me, I want you to leave her for you.

Now before I ask my last question – you can find Josh at the Rest, on Kashyyk. The Rest is the Jedi HQ on that planet and that's where he works when he's not on missions.

And to my last question. I left you alone with Karine. You say you will never leave her. So my question is this. In all these months that I have not been in your life – can you trust, honestly, fully, say that what you have now is what you'd always dreamed of and you would not have it any other way? That this is how you want it?"


[member="Gerwald Lechner"]

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

"I didn't say I can know for certain... those words didn't even leave my mouth. I say one thing, and you assume... stop reading between the lines Scherezade. I am a man... I do not speak between the lines. I cannot know for sure any more than you can. You cannot promise I would be happier or not. The future is unknowable."

Even if one could see the future all they could see was a possible future. It was constantly moving based on the choices one made. There was no way to know every possible decision, but that was part of the thrill of living. Gerwald did not want to know the future, he simply wanted to live.

Scherezade continued to bombard him with words. Her apology for threatening them finally seemed to be genuine, but Gerwald continued to be frustrated with all the excuses she shot at him for why her reactions were justified. Were they, not all of them, but regardless they were still what she had chosen to do. The threat, that could be forgiven, but forgiveness did not mean that he would change his mind, and certainly not with the flip of a switch. As she had admitted, the bridges had been burned, and the climb to anything resembling what she was after would be a hard and arduous climb. Even then, Gerwald had made himself clear. He was not going to leave Katrine. If the day ever came that their relationship was over it would not be a simple whim or suddenly deciding his original choice was wrong.

"Thank you for apologizing," he said at first after her long winded rebuttal was given. "You are mistaken in the fact I have set everything at your feet, but at this point that seems neither here nor there. However there are some things you are wrong about that you need to know. I did not find myself home on Figaro Favoura VII because of what puts me at the top. I found my HOME there. Everything that was my family's is still there. I know where I come from. I know who we were. I know why we left, and I know the things that could have been if the families had just learned to get along. Katrine or no Katrine, Figaro Favoura VII and the Lupine species is my calling, and not through some scientific procedure to repopulate them. In fact... I want you abandon that project, but that is for a different day."

"You know how silly it sounds to even say that happened meant nothing? If it had meant nothing then why would I still be here arguing with you about it all? Why would I have been upset to find that in the end you tried to end your own existence? Listen I understand that what I did... it should have destroyed any path there ever could have been back to you. But here is what you have to understand. The bridges you burned... the paths that you had back... you burned those yourself. I can forgive you for that on my end, but Katrine... I don't know. What you did changed her. You broke something inside her with what you said and did.

"You also have to understand on other thing. Before I left Stewjon there was no choice. My mother would have been selective about who I married... who could be trusted to know the secret we had grown up hiding our entire lives. I had no choice. The fact that I made a choice is more than I could have ever dreamed of."

Gerwald paused, and he looked at Scherezade.

I need to reach Josh, nut I have to ask one more thing before I go. Do you realize what the cost of what you want is? Are you going to ask me to do the one thing I just told you I never want to do to another living soul ever again so you can have what you want?

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

She was not mistaken, but at this point there was no point in repeating it. As he spoke of Figaro Fortuna, her chest pinched inside itself. She wanted to be happy for him, happy that he'd found his roots, happy that he found his true origins. And yet, the way he said it, it felt like it was something no one who was not a Lupine would ever have access to. He'd told her not to read between the lines, and she was trying to, but… But she could not help but feel like he was once again trying to draw a line where she would never be permitted through.

And her project… He spoke of that as though he was looking down on it. She had figured out the key to save his species and he just… It was yet another thing that would be shrugged off. Unimportant. Like the time they had spent together, like what it had meant. She remained silent as he continued to speak, not allowing herself to say a single word.

And another thing she did not understand. He said that what he had done should have burned the paths, but then why did he keep mentioning time and time again that she was the one who did it? Was it because she still loved him? Was it because she did not want to kill him, despite the fact he knew he'd deserve it?

And yes, he had his choice… And that choice meant everything… Yet why did that mean that allowing her to break meant so little? Why was she supposed to care about something inside Katrine breaking when Katrine had never cared that Scherezade was the one who'd been betrayed and not had something inside her break, but had her everything break. Gerwald, at least, had tried to talk to her. Katrine had never bothered with that.

"Time matters less here than you think," she said quietly after he was done speaking, "you can be here for days, but when you go back, it'll be back to the moment you touched Madalena, or maybe a few seconds later at most."

Sighing, she raised her gaze to look at him.

"I am not asking you to break her. Why do you think I shattered simply because you didn't choose me? You said you thought I was stronger than that – and I was. But…" How. How could she-

Perhaps… "You told me that if you don't shift for a while, you go crazy." she sort of repeated what he'd said on Geonosis, hoping she'd gotten it right. "I don't know how much crazy that means. But if you've experienced it, I'm hoping you'd understand it, and I hope this is not just bare speculation on my part. I was in the Darkness for years before I came out. My mind, when I was out of there, when you delivered the blow to me. I was already crazy. My mind was not entirely mine. I was grasping at straws to try to reach you – not merely straws of words, but straws of everything. I was hoping that if you would just hug me, if you would speak to me the way you always had before, it would make some of the crazy go away.

But you know what happened. And all those months, from that moment until I finally cast the spell – my mind was not entirely there. Maybe, I don't know, maybe it was like you going crazy from not shifting but not being able to shift at all. A sort of strange place where you can see but you can't process, where the processing is entirely wrong.

So no. I am not asking you to break Katrine. Because to break up with someone and to break them, those are two different things. And with the wisdom of hindsight, even though that doesn't help us, I know there would've been ways for you to tell me, to let me know, without it being the final blow to what shreds of sanity I was still trying to cling to. Because since she seems to be getting free passes to everything, I know you won't do it while she's in craziness because of lack of shifting.

What I'm asking you, Gerwald, is to re-build with me. Is to give me another chance after I went crazy after tears of torture. Because I can repeat all the things I already said but I'm half sure you can already repeat them on your own by now. I can apologize for everything. I do. I'm sorry I'm truly sorry. But I can't apologize for loving you. I can't apologize for you being the vision in my heart in the few moments it gets worth of a break between fighting the Darkness.

And I feel… I feel like you're trying to fight it deliberately. By not willing to touch me. By not willing to hug me. By not willing to dance with me. By not even willing to let me show you. Maybe it's just wishful thinking. But it feels like despite you saying you're going to Josh, you're doing everything else you can to keep distancing yourself, like I'm some sort of a pox or a potential blight to you.

And it feels… It feels like out of the three of us, I'm the only one who has to carry the weight of what happened, cursed to carry that boulder up the hill, for ever daring to hope that you could love me the way that I still love you."

[member="Gerwald Lechner"]

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

It was clear that Scherezade either did not understand, or she was refusing to understand. This conversation needed to end because it was just continuing to run in circles, and it was clear to Gerwald it would not end unless he ended it, or told Scherezade what she wanted to hear. His eyes closed momentarily as she tried to explain how what had happened to her would somehow be different than what she was asking him to do Kat. Gerwald was certain he was never going to be able to help her understand, but he had to say what needed to be said and then be done.

"But that is where you are wrong, Scherezade," he began as he took a step back and looked over his shoulder in the direction she had told him to walk. "You just don't care about what you broke inside Katrine, and if you would actually listen with your brain you would understand that leaving her for you is not the same as breaking up with her. What you are asking me to do is to tell her that I made a mistake. That I would rather be with the person that broke her heart even deeper than I did by being dishonest... so deep that she cast a spell herself to remove the pain and emotion your words and actions caused because it was unbearable. If I leave her for you, it will break her. There is nothing fair about this situation, but choices have been made, and here you are asking me to choose all over again. So yeah, you are asking me to do something I do not want to do. We both know that leaving her for someone else is not the same as leaving her for you. And would be lying to yourself if you said anything different."

Gerwald sighed, but lifted his hand.

"And I am sorry that you feel like I am trying to fight deliberately, but that is not the case at all. I don't want you showing me any of these visions. I don't need to see them. Am I keeping my distance on purpose, yes, because that is exactly what I should be doing. I don't want you to apologize for loving me... that would be asinine, but I can tell you that if you truly love me then you won't put me in this position again. And despite how it feels i have to carry the weight of what I did every day. Every time I see Madalena it is a reminder. Being here it is a reminder. You are not the only one carrying what happened. The reality is though that I had to move on. Katrine had to move on. We had to find ways to move, and especially after it had seemed like you ended your life, it really made things seem final."

Ger paused and turned slightly.

"You need to move on Scherezade, when you get out of here, you need to move on. I am with Katrine. I am still with her, and I am not leaving. You just have to accept that. Could there have been a time when things might have been different... maybe, but when you took what you thought was going to be a permanent solution to a temporary problem... that's when it ended."

He finished turning the rest of the way and started walking.

"I need to go now. I am going to go now. You won't see me again until Josh and I get you out of here."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]