Just a Feeling

[Jairdain]

There was no way Jairdain was forcing this and knew clearly just what was at stake. When it came to playing with the mind, she was an expert. Meaning not to harm him, but to help, her touch was light. Full of confidence and power, but comforting at the same time.

Feeling him lower the barriers between the surface which she could easily touch, Solan opened himself on a deeper level. Here was the real him, the part he kept locked away and hidden...maybe even from himself.

Since he was in his mind, Solan had control here. Because she was welcomed, he actually granted her vision.

The room in from of her had doors on each wall and she walked in through one of them. In the middle sat a woman drinking tea. It took her a few moments to react to the presence of Jairdain, but she felt she was known before the door opened for her.

"Thank you. I am Jairdain."

Accepting the hand offer​ed, she shook it and looked at the woman. This being one of the few times where there was vision for her, she drank everything in while it lasted.

"It really isn't pity though. I want to help him. My own mind has been shattered before. Different manners, but just maybe I can help him. I want to succeed as well, Kira."

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Solan Charr]

[member="Jairdain"]

Kira smiled, a light in her eyes as she turned and went to retrieve the glass, looking at the liquid inside and smiling.

"Did you know he hates the taste of tea... there is yet to be one I have been able to suggest to him that he might enjoy, but he says that everything he drinks is bitter. I wonder if he means that sometimes, or if his mind is merely wishing to believe it." She drank from the glass before taking it to the counter nearby, setting by a sink and turning back to fair Jairdain.

"You will find yourself sorting through a rather interesting world his mind has created in its attempts to figure out who he used to be. I am merely your guide, someone to help you navigate through this mind. I assume you would have had the wolf who bares my name, but it seems more intent on observiving and being ready to shake you from within if you do something it dislikes." She moved around the counter now, making her way for the door that Jair had come through and opening it, waving as if she were a butler for Jairdain to walk through.

"Come, It is time for you to meet the man who I had known. And the one I wish for you to bring back from the edge before he really does take a leap I can't help him get back from." She waited, leaving Jair to walk through or not, and when she did she would not find herself in that original room, and instead in the halls of a castle. Quiet crying echoing through the hall and Kira's footsteps behind her as the woman stepped through and her feet touched the ground. She herself looked down the hall with sad eyes.

"This is a detestable memory, please do proceed and not take your time here."

 

[Jairdain]

Making a note of what Kira said about tea, Jairdain nodded just slightly. If the truth was known, she wasn't much of a tea drinker herself and preferred juice usually. However, she always had tea on hand in case somebody wanted any. When it was offered to her, she did not decline though.

"What did he create?"

She had never expected a mental guide, but accepted the help and presence of the other woman. One question begged to be asked.

"Who are you to Solan?"

Taking the cue from Kira, Jairdain turned back around to face the open door she had walked through moments ago. It had changed on the other side and now were the halls of a castle. Here the sounds of sorrow filled the halls and Jairdain was able to see it in the eyes of Kira. She was Jairdain's guide here and told her to move on and not dwell long in this memory.

That is exactly what she did and started walking through this memory. She might have wanted to know it was all about, she placed trust in her guide.

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Solan Charr]

[member="Jairdain"]

Kira simply smiled when she was asked who she is to Solan. The red haired woman reached up and touched her own hair, messing with it and sighing.

"A memory, like everything else here, something Solan needs to move past if he is to see himself again. He dwells on his failures, and he dwells on his mistakes. I am something that could be considered both." She said, walking with Jairdain through the halls until they reached the door where the sound was coming from. Kira would step forward, placing her hand on the pad and waiting as the door opened.

Inside was a bedroom, one that remained absolutely spotless, untouched, and the sound of medical equipment failing could be heard to Jairdain's right. A bed, one that did not belong in a castle bedroom was there and beside it a man with his face against the sheets. His skin pale as a ghost, veins dark colored and his body eating away at itself. And on the bed, a young girl, no more than eight, who had a trace of blood falling from her lips, a hand missing fingers, and with monitors on her skin, all having failed.

Kira would remain outside this room, refusing to look into it.

 

[Jairdain]

It was an answer, but not a fully clarifying one. However the additional information Kira provided was a great bit of knowledge Jairdain could use. Solan was a man that lived in the past and couldn't put it to rest there. That was something so many people were unable to do on their own. Quite often resorting to drink...just like she was. She suddenly got the feeling that by attempting to help Solan, she was also helping herself.

Kira guided her through the halls and opened a door they came to. That sound of sorrow was coming from it and the scene was stark in comparison to the dark halls around them. A young girl was dead in the bed and if Jairdain was right, it would be his daughter.

He lay crying facedown into the bed and there was something physically wrong with him. This was and yet wasn't the man Jairdain had met. Kira was not looking in and Jairdain wondered why.

"What happened?"

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Solan Charr]

[member="Jairdain"]

Kira glanced to her side just enough to see Jairdain and sighed, turning her head back as she thought on how to answer. This visage of Solan would not be able to communicate. She remember the days following what Jairdain was witnessing, knew that Solan had remained distraught but soon she would not need to explain. After all, this was where Solan crossed a line that Kira had tried to keep him away from.

"Solan lost his daughter after a confrontation with some hutts, as well as his closest friend betraying him and him being unable to do anything to protect her. He fell into a significant state of depression and finally stepped over a line... one you will see soon."

Just as she finished talking, she would direct Jair to continue seeing what was occuring. His hands gripped tighter on the bed, his eyes coming up with a blood red tint to them, the glow of the darkside behind them as he looked at his daughter. His face was stained with tears but also his body further deteriorating.

"Ill kill them all, ill avenger our daughter. They can't hide, and I will slaughter them... I will kill her too. She hurt you and betrayed me, she did nothing as you were killed... I promise you she will pay..." He looked at his daughter, hugging her slowly, gingerly. He acted as if she would fall apart, his hand taking some of the cloth from his shirt and clearing away the blood from her lips and face.

"I promise... I promise... I promise..." He slowly rose, shambling back and his eyes turning, staring towards Jairdain. They contained no hesitation or any question of doubt in what should come next. And it was then that he walked forward, leaving the room and passing Kira's side as she stood there, looking down and not watching him as he disappeared down the hall.

Kira said nothing, letting Jairdain take it in and understand.

 

[Jairdain]

She had no children of her own so could hardly imagine what this had been like for Solan. Couple that with the betrayal from a friend...Jairdain had some understanding. At the urging of Kira, she turned her attention back to the room and the two forms within. Watching the change within the man, she nodded.

Who the person was, she couldn't surmise, but expected it would also be clarified as this endeavor progressed. The death of his daughter was the breaking point for Solan. Everybody had them, including her. He wiped the blood away and promised to have vengeance.

As this was his memory, there was no ability to interact with it, but she wouldn't if she could. In a way it appeared he looked at her, but that gaze was just in her direction. Just who this other person was, Jairdain couldn't know, but assumed it would become clear as this endeavor continued.

Having the feeling Kira was also very close to this memory, Jairdain noticed she would not look at the room or Solan as he walked away. She had a theory on who she was, but gave no voice to it.

Once Solan was out of the area, she turned to Kira.

"I am ready to continue."
​
[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Solan Charr]

[member="Jairdain"]

Kira nodded and let Jairdain leave ahead of her, only now taking the moment to look inside the room, hesitating before turning her head away and walking forward. The two would be left to walk for a while now, the hallway stretching on and it would feel like they were making no progress. Kira kept her eyes straight though, reaching leading them down that hallway and occasionally glancing along at a door, but ultimately passing it up.

She would stop eventually, but with a warning on her face as she turned and moved to stand by the next door. She looked at Jairdain and nodded with her head to the door in question.

"The next bit is where he originally had broken down, where he was at that time without any family but had a dear friend he was supporting. Nothing quite like the last, but rather his own carefulness having been abandoned in the heat of the moment." She paused and openned the door, a bright light flooding in from the day sun and through the door was a battle ground. Kira and Jairdain would be standing in a courtyard where a man was fighting with a much happier look on his face.

It was a far less broken man that stood there, almost toying with half a dozen guards as they all looked at eachother.

"Come on, is this really the best you guys got... Kinda disappointed Genevieve gave me a boring challenge like you guys, gonna have to ask her whats up after." He said, looking at the six and sighing as he shook his head.

"No fun." He said, watching them fan out around him now.

Kira would watch, this time not too worried about looking away and instead paying witness to what may happen. Her eyes would turn up though, looking towards the sky as if expecting something.

"Solan fought before this event without regard for the mental safeguards on his mind. Right now he is using the feelings of everyone in this city and picking out the ones that help him most of all. He is vetting which ones take precidence in this situation as there are few emotions and feelings that are strong in this moment. He did not place safeguards on the others though, letting them exist in his mind but not in the forefront of his mind." She explained, still watching the sky now.

 

[Jairdain]

What these other memories they passed up Jairdain couldn't know. Perhaps in time she would learn of them from Solan in the waking world and not as she walked along with this guide. They walked in silence with small pauses as Kira would glance now and then at a door.

Eventually she did stop, spoke of what happened and opened the door. Here the setting took place on the outside. They stood in a courtyard where a younger and happier version of Solan appeared to be sparring with some guards.

Further understanding came to Jairdain as Kira spoke. A battle earlier where he likely touched on the emotions of others to aid him. He did the same this day and maybe not even knowing it. It was a difference between them, but as she thought about it, how he implemented this, he was very likely stronger than she was. At least in many aspects.

This small display also showed her he was well versed in weapons fighting. Provided the help she offered worked, this was something she might ask him to help her with. Pushing that thought away, she watched as the scene played out and observed what he was doing. Memory or not, sighted as she was, she could still see through the Force and picked up on what was happening.

These emotions of others were allowed to mix in with his own and he had no guards up to keep them separate. Nodding as the memory progressed, Jairdain did not actually speak. When it was finished, she indicated she was ready to continue on.

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Solan Charr]

[member="Jairdain"]

Kira watched for a bit longer until the first streak of green fell from the sky. She watched it fall into the city and the sound cut through the air. Followed by another, and another, and soon it was like rain as the city was being wiped out from the face of the planet. The level of death would start to rise and with it Solan's body stopped and his grin faded, he shuddered for a moment before looking behind him and going wide eyed.

He wasn't quick enough, and his mind, which had connected to that of the city, was hit with the force of all that death at once. Last wishes and the collection of emotions that came with the hit his mind and he dropped his saber, falling to his knees and gripping his head. He closed his eyes and tried to shut off his connection but he could not concentrate. There was too much heading into him and he couldn't put up his walls to stop it. His eyes moved rapidly behind their lids and as he sat there the soldiers laughed at him, one heading up to kick him in the head.

But that man stopped, eyes going wide for a moment, and then dropping to the ground brain dead. Followed by the next.

One by one the men dropped and if Jair looked through the force, she would see why. Solan was splitting those emotions away from him and to the others, trying to preserve himself and keep himself from falling to the same fate he was now putting on his enemies. He called out for help but no one was there, his body eventually dropping to the ground and shaking. The bombardment would cease but solan remained in that broken state, his mind trying to sort through the memories and emotions but it couldn't.

Solan had lost himself, unsure where he was and now trapped in this cage he had accidentally created for himself.

 

[Jairdain]

It was a mistake on her part to assume the small display between Solan and guards was the only reason for the stop at this memory. Who or what was attacking was not clear to Jairdain and that detail likely didn't matter now too much. It may have even been the hutts Kira mentioned earlier.

With him connected to the population below and their sudden shock at everything, he was overwhelmed and fell to the ground. This had never quite happened to her, but fully understood how it had effected him.

If there was anything she could have done in his life, this was where she would have done something. Jairdain was not here to alter or change anything of him though. She was here to help, but to do so now would not work for him in the long run.

Taking a gulp, her hands​ folded together in front of her and she actually started crying. Then it dawned on her. She could do something here and it would help him in the now. Moments before the attack, when he was happily sparring with his guards...that was the real man buried in the memories of all these others. That was the man that was lost and who she was here to help find.

While he was shaking on the ground in essential shock, that piece of him that was lost to him, still gleamed like a diamond to Jairdain. She attempted to grasp that part of him and hold it.

"I think I can do this. Please let this work."

Holding onto this piece of him like it was a treasure, she wanted more than anything to help Solan. Hopefully the two Kiras also could tell what her intention was and neither one would try and stop her. She altered nothing of his memory or what happened, just held onto the man that was lost.
​
[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Solan Charr]

[member="Jairdain"]


Jairdain would seize on the man that had been there a short time before, resting beneath the surface but it did not remain, starting to melt away from her hands. It was not what was needed, she was holding onto the wrong bit, trying to falsly save what she thought was Solan's original being. Kira's hand touched on Jairdain's shoulder and she shook her head, trying to show her that this was not who she needed to hold onto.

Kira would let Jair continue to try and hold onto that bit of Solan but Kira moved, with still a bit more to show her, knowing what the last things Jair would see and sighing as she knew what was coming next. Kira looked at Solan again, remembering a very different man to even the one they had seen at the beginning of all this.

It was only after Jairdain let go that Kira led her back through the door they had come from and into the hall once more.

"I apologize for tearing you from that, but he is not who is missing. That man was certainly someone who had found themselves in a terrible situation, but you need to purge away every bit of the other personalities if you wish to find the man that lies beneath." Kira cleared her throat, her feet becoming heavier.

"The next bit, is... something I would ask we do not dwell in for long. Its ancient history and I am sure that you will come out of this knowing the full thing. You already have more of his past in your mind then you realize, including how those other scenes continued. In the last for example, you should remember a black haired woman, who retrieved Solan and brought him from what world... and you should also know what led up to the memory involving his daughter, and the battle on Makeb." She cleared her throat and smiled.

"This next memory is where you will be left on your own to go further, as I cannot go further myself. I can't bring myself to go further... and I impart my wish on you once you enter the next door. Please do bring back the person I never got to meet, the person who had been broken before I even got to see him." She would pause, stopping by a door and opening it.

Inside was the very living room that Jairdain had found Kira in originally, and resting on the counter was a young man, many years younger and with very different features. A young man that was barely an adult and covered in burns and cuts. It wasn't enough to mare his features, just enough to clearly show he had been caught in some explosion.

"There is a door that will be left to you, the last one you will find after you finish with this memory..." That was all Kira said after that, leaving Jairdain to enter and the door close behind her.

 

[Jairdain]

She was close, but this wasn't quite right. As Jairdain had taken her light hold on what she thought was who she wanted...it did not feel right. As the diamond she held turned into quartz, she let it go. It was a common mistake for people seeing quartz for the first time and thought it was a diamond.

Kira then told her the same, but in different words. That quartz was still a part of him, but not what she needed.

"I think I understand better. Thank you, Kira."

As she continued to speak the memories that had been unseen before became clear to Jairdain. They may not have been given to her to watch in the same manner the others were, but their imprints were still there. In her attempt to help Solan, she had taken in his memories into her own mind. However, they did not belong to her and she would not allow them to combine. There was a clear line between the two. Nor did she steal them from Solan.

If her attempt to help him worked, there could come a time when he might help her in a similar way.

Wiping away the last of the mental tears, she followed along in step with Kira. Listening to the words and advice of Kira, she nodded. Her next steps would be on her own. Her guide for a time either could not or choose not go further.

"Thank you for what you have done, Kira. I wish we could have met and I so very much want to bring him back."

With those words, she turned away from the woman and entered into the familiar room.

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Solan Charr]

[member="Jairdain"]

Jair would see very little happen this time.

It was a quiet apartment, with no war or battles, just Solan's much younger form laying on the counter, breathing harshly. He had bandages on the more serious wounds and protecting them from becoming infected but other than that, Solan was unconscious and looked to have been that way for a day or two now. Or atleast slipping in and out of consciousness.

It was then that the door would sound to open again and a dishelved but familiar looking woman came running in, dumping bags to the ground and rummaging through them as she pulled out medical supplies. She wore glasses and was clearly overworked as she blinked and looked around from behind the glasses. In moments she was at it filling a pot to use for tea later.

"Jeeze, you moron. Got yourself blasted out of a window... If I hadn't been there, you would probably have been picked clean of valuables and left on the street to die..." She drew out a needle to and a vial, the vial containing a heavy painkiller as Solan tried to answer and just found his voice catching in his throat.

"Stay still you daft fool... I swear, mercenaries are the dumbest people in the world." And without hesitation the needle went in, cleanly hitting his veins and being deposited into his body.

It was after that Jair would find herself witnessing the next few hours, watching as Kira worked, her hair pulled back in a rather rough and messy manner, treating Solan's wounds and taking breaks to eat and drink some tea, feeding him best she could with some paste that is sold at a low price for those that needed it. Time would flow past Jair, leaving her to watch things, to see the week that had Solan had had with Kira play out.

She would fine the two at first in a more caretaker relation, but slowly witness things become different, the two getting closer. Leaving her to understand why Kira could never go further than here, letting Jair understand who Kira was to Solan.

 

[Jairdain]

Knowing what the memory of Kira had told her, Jairdain watched the week pass between the two of them. She did not know if this was soon after their initial meeting or if they had known each other before. It both mattered and then again it did not.

She watched as Kira cared for Solan and saw a similarity between herself and the other woman. When it came to caring for him, they played the same role. Different levels and aspects, but still healers.

If she could have turned back to Kira she would have. Not to stop what she had begun, but to offer something more than she had before. It was too late though and the memory was gone.

Jairdain could tell he was already an injured man. Not just the physical, but mental. Kira had been right about that. Maybe she lingered in this memory longer than the others, she did not know. But she knew when it was time to continue. With another small set of tears since she knew what happened, she wiped them away and moved to the door. Taking a breath, but not feeling fear, she opened it and left that living room behind.

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Solan Charr]

[member="Jairdain"]

She would be greeted by the plains of Dantooine, stretching out infront of her and for a few moments, she would only see a farmstead with a young man, a few years younger than what she had last seen with a woman who held a striking resemblance. She was creating with that young man a flower that glowed blue, coloring the other flowers around it.

"Cute ehh... Forgot this kid existed somewhere deep inside..." A familiar voice would be heard, not Kira's though, instead it was a glasses wearing man, with dark hair and light blue eyes. He smiled at Jairdain as he came up to her side and was holding a cup of tea, looking down at it.

"She told you I hate this right? A bit said she never came far enough to find me down here but she was always one that cared too much to take that final step. She knows coming here would just send me on a cycle again, trying to reclaim what I lost." Solan looked at the glass and sighed, letting it fade from his hands and then crossing those hands behind him.

"Do you know waht is going to come soon, what you are about to witness... I know you should have known my memories the moment you entered this scene, but I wonder if those memories have not come into clarity yet." He watched the young man smile at his mother, hugging her and leaning his head against her shoulder.

"So, do you plan to actually drag me out with you? Or are you going to drag him out? Which one is the one that you will be bringing out of here?" Solan looked at her, waiting for an answer. He knew which one Kira would have wanted to take out, but he also knew which one she would take, which one would just reset things and make things continue in their cycle with his mind the way it has been for a long long time.

 

[Jairdain]

What planet she was on, Jairdain wouldn't have known except for his memory. Staring up at the sky, the ground and flowers, she looked then at the two people present. They were creating a flower together and growing others around them. Smiling, she drew a slightly startled breath when the voice of Solan himself spoke up behind her and smiled at her.

Turning her attention away from the memory, it was already in her mind and watching the playing out of it wasn't that important. She instead focused on looking at the man speaking to her. Feeling this conversation was far more important that the details going on in the field.

"I've been saying this quite often this evening, but thank you Solan. Everything I have seen and learned has been wonderful. There is great hope within me that I pick rightly in this and accomplish my goal. If I don't I will not give up though."

He was only the fourth person she had been able to see. These memories and the people wing did not count to her, for they were his. ​This man was though was real. Outside they lay less than a foot from the other and they could touch if they wanted to. His questions needed answering, but she wasn't ready yet. Looking back to the two others for a moment, she turned back to Solan. Taking a long look at him, from head to toe and back up she shook her head just slightly as she formed what she wanted to say. Smiling when the words came to her, she offered him a hand. Not yet to return with her, but the chance to touch and hold if he wanted.

"Solan, your past as much as mine has made us who we are today. You are able to do something I can't. Now I'm not jealous of that at all, so don't think that. I was wrong to think I could accomplish this in one go through. I feel Kira would want to bring the boy. An unmolested youth, full of innocence and life. However, I don't think that is the answer. And I won't be dragging you. You welcomed me to help and the real you wants to be free. Do you accept?"

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Solan Charr]

[member="Jairdain"]

Solan tapped his hand on the side of his other arm as he had them crossed, turning to look at Jairdain with a raised brow and a smile. He smiled and looked at her face, hearing her words and wondering if she truly believed she had figured things out. He knew the answer and when her hand was reached out to her, he looked at it, thinking for a few more moments again.

"You are a very strange person Jairdain. Someone I can't quite figure out even as I watched you go through this. You think that it is not the one who has been spared of any trouble that you need to drag out, but instead me." He laughed a bit and looked down.

"I must say, I am surprised. I expected to be trapped under all those other memories and minds until I did die. I was ready for that, and now I want to defy that death and live once more with many years to pass." He turned his head back to her, looked at the hand again did so touch it, gingerly holding on.

"And now what, miss mentalist?"

 

[Jairdain]

"How am I such a strange person, Solan? You are the one that offered to take on the pain of a stranger, knowing what it does to you."

Her hand remained extend​ed the entire time. Until Solan provided an answer to her offer, it would remain that way. Turning to face him totally and not just look at him. The younger him remained behind in the memory as it unfolded. Her other hand raised to hover his heart. She stood almost as close as they were outside.

"If that child got brought out without the knowledge of what happened, then the same mistake could be made again. An ever repeating cycle. I don't want that to be you and I'm pretty sure you don't want that either. You wouldn't have accepted my offer to help if you did."

It was nice to see the humor on his face. He then admitted he expected to be trapped until he died and Jairdain shook her head at him.

"I wouldn't have allowed that to happen. If there was even a hope of this ever working, it would have been done."

Accepting her hand finally, he asked what now and it was her turn to smile at him. The hand that had been at the height of his chest moved up. She stood on her tip toes to accomplish this and pulled his head down just enough to reach his forehead with her lips. This might be the first and last time the blind woman ever saw him, but she closed her eyes and focused on her want. That desire to bring him back whole.

In the ice shelter, her physical body matched all her movements in this last scene. The light that had been lit between them had faded when she let go of it and her lips were firmly planted on his forehead. Her other hand was gripping onto his. Like she was pulling him from the brink of another death, she hoped her journey had worked and her goal was accomplished...

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Solan Charr]

[member="Jairdain"]


Solan smiled when she placed a hand a hand behind his head and moved to get on the tips of her toes. What he expected though did not happen and she kissed his forehead while holding his hand, the light dying out. Something he also did not realize was something happened to his hair as the minds that had troubled him disappeared, leaving the man that Jair had been looking for. It started to lose its color, turning white as the seconds ticked by and while Kira did not inform him of this, he felt something changing and assumed it was for the best.

He tilted his head a bit higher than she would have expected, leading her not to his forehead but his lips, his own hand coming to hold her chin and his other arm looping around her waist. His eyes stayed open for a moment but closed slowly as the light faded. Kira would only now start noticing as Solan's hair turned slowly from black to a white color, but not enough before the light would fade fully and cut out the light from the snowcave.

Solan would hold her like that, letting the kiss linger for a few long moments before pulling back and smiling.

"So... not what you were expecting?"