Feedback Bandwagon Vol. 3

[Liliane]

Hey!

Here it comes, the third try!

Like every other sensible writer, I wanna become a better person, advance and learn from my mistakes, but sadly a lot of those things can only be seen by other writers!

So, come in, everybody, and let me know what you think about me! The prefix says "Writer", but whatever you want to tell me about me is fine, whether it be me as a writer, me as a person, my character, some thread, my terrible posting schedule, the three week old pizza...

Don't go overboard, though. But if you have any serious critique about me, don't you worry, child. I can take it.

Because how else would I learn, right?

 

[Jsc]

We haven't written together enough recently for me to give anything close to a good critique. But your formatting and art style is amazing. As such you give a really great first impression. Keep it up yo!

 

[NightSister]

You're the type of writer that I look at and immediately get the impression you'd be worth writing with.

(I will get you some proper feedback when I get home)

 

[NightSister]

Alright, here we go.

First - your character bio is very pretty and very well fleshed out, and same goes for your general aesthetic. *Cue fuzzy feels.* Obviously this isn't particularly important, but it makes me happy anyway.

As for solid feedback; as soon as I started going through Liliane's bio and threads, I almost immediately gathered that she's a good Jedi, but at the same time not a shining beacon of eternal sweetness and light. Being a Jedi isn't effortless for her, but she manages it anyway. I respect the hell out of that, so massive kudos there. In terms of where I'd like to see her story go, I think a lot of her struggles come from her own mind - inner conflict is brilliant, of course, but I for one would like to see what she'd do if someone else started causing her strife. A rivalry, an imprisonment/torture, something along those lines.

*Notices the Writer prefix*

Your writing, in my humble opinion, is very nice; you leave nothing out without over-embellishing either, and it's pleasant to read. What I did notice - not a criticism or anything that needs changing, more something I personally noted and thought I might throw into the mix - quite a lot of your sentences begin with 'she', and similarly, you often tell rather than show information. Again, not something that's necessarily an issue, but I have a general liking for writing that shows, rather than tells, so feel free to acknowledge and regard or disregard as pleases you.

And my initial statement remains true - you immediately give a good impression both as a writer and as a character.

Hope this helps!

[member="Liliane Lancaster"]

 

[Liliane]

[member="Aria Vale"]

Amazing! Thank you for the feedback, the kind words and the critique.

I have started to notice myself using "she" a lot as well, which I've been trying to change. Replacing pronouns has always been a difficulty of mine, but of course I'm still developing both as an English speaker and as a writer, so I'm feeling hopeful.

And thanks for pointing out the show, not tell. I hadn't thought about it a lot, but I'm sure that will be the one point I'm going to focus on with my next main character. (I doubt it'll change before, that's why. )

 

[Valiens Nantaris]

You've come an astonishing way in 4 years, and you're still improving, young soul.

I would remind everyone viewing this that [member="Liliane"] comes from a perspective of English as a second language. When the writer started it was at times hard to follow their writing. Now though they're writing at a level as good as any native English speaker.

I haven't followed your RP threads so I can't give specific critique on those.

 

[Darth Carnifex]

Dirty smelly traitor.



[member="Liliane"]

 

[Vrak Nashar]

[member="Liliane"]

Your signature is literally breaking my heart right now. It's off-center and pressed to the side on my screen

Otherwise I've always liked your writing, the one and only issue is that you disappear quite often which isn't something that can always be helped so that's understandable!