Doc Painless stood outside the jatz club for a long, long time.
He could hear the sounds of merriment from within, even over the swells of the music. It was a good day for Darkwire. Many people, many
friends, were celebrating in there, and they had every reason to. The shadowrunners had hit back in a way that had
mattered, a way that had shown the Corpos they couldn't operate with impunity. It'd been a strike for Belazura, for Altier, for all the people and planets the DireX Board had viewed as expendable resources they could push around on their balance sheets. It'd been exactly what the Doc had wanted to see happen, exactly what he'd
called for during that CryptNet meeting. He'd near-literally asked for all of this.
So why did he linger there, on the threshold, unable to go in?
The street medic sighed and closed his eyes. He knew exactly what runners got up to, and had known from the beginning; you couldn't live outside the law, navigating and sometimes fighting back against an oppressive corporatist regime, without doing some ugly things. He'd never asked the runners who came to him for care what they'd done on their runs, because it hadn't mattered; they were people who needed treatment, and treatment was his role, his purpose in life. He accepted the moral compromises necessary in their work just as he didn't blame Seven Corners' poorest for muggings and burglaries. People did what they had to in order to survive dystopia.
But it'd felt different when he'd been involved. He, a man who'd taken an oath to do no harm - medical degree or not - had aided and abetted an assassination. The Doc hadn't even seen Xopsaloff get killed, but he couldn't shake the memory of watching those guards die. They'd gone down screaming, and he saw their faces, heard their voices, whenever he closed his eyes. And that woman
Anakin Stormrunner
had shot as she lay helpless on the ground, a mercy killing... why had he gone along with that? He'd persuaded himself there was no other option, that there was nothing he could've done for her without putting them all at risk, but the justification was wearing thin.
He wouldn't have accepted that excuse in his clinic. Why had he during the run?
The Doc had tried to look them up, each of the guards they'd killed, after it was all over. It'd been difficult going; he hadn't known any of their names, and Xopsaloff had employed thousands upon thousands of security officers across his various holdings, none of them with their specific assignments marked. But late into the night, then on into the small hours of the morning, the Doc had scrolled through the employee directory for Xopsaloff's division of CorpSec, a bottle - or three - his only companion. His cybernetic eyes never forgot a face, and eventually he'd matched a few of them. Some had been sleemos with long records of excessive force. Some hadn't been.
If he'd thought that putting names to the faces would bring him closure, he'd been wrong.
The Doc had briefly entertained wild fantasies of tracking down their families for some kind of reparations, making sure they were provided for, or something like that. But with CorpSec cracking down, that would only give them a lead to arrest him, and they'd make sure he didn't fare well at whatever black site they dragged him off to for "enhanced interrogation" about his Darkwire connections. He wasn't strong like his shadowrunner friends; he knew he would break, and people he cared about would be exposed to harm. So he bore his guilt in silence, with a bottle in his hand. He chuckled bitterly. Coming to Denon to start over and forget his old shame? It wasn't going so well.
Why did this feel different from the bounty he'd put on those organ-stealing swoop gangers a few months back? He'd literally had them killed. Many of them probably had families, too, people who had loved them once... or did still. He was far more culpable for their deaths than for anything that had happened on Xopsaloff's yacht. But they'd been the direct targets, the people he knew were hurting innocents across Seven Corners, who had to be stopped. And he hadn't had to watch
them die, not up close. The Doc sighed, rubbing his eyes. Here he went again, getting lost in his head, full of self-loathing while the world went on around him. It wasn't helping anyone.
He was still banned from the Blue Flame, so he might as well get drunk in a jatz club.
He finally walked through the doors, trying to let the music drive out the thoughts jackhammering around his cybernetically-enhanced skull. It was a hell of a nice place, at least by his current standards; there was a time when he'd have looked down even on this, but he'd left that life behind. Shadowrunners milled around, sharing drinks and cheering anti-Corpo slogans. The Doc didn't recognize most of them, but he was used to that by now; people came and went. Taking anti-Corpo jobs on Denon wasn't exactly the secret to long life, so a lot of the time they
went to the graveyard. He knew
Daiya
, and he'd seen her friend
Brie Jaxx
before, the night of the brawl at the Blue Flame.
He waved, but left them alone. They looked to be having a good time, and he didn't want to bring them down.
"A round for everyone, on me," he told the barkeep, forcing a smile. He could afford a generous gesture once in a while, even after the earthquake and subsequent riot had eaten up a good chunk of his clinic's supplies; he'd never forget what their little scam on Wann Tsir had been able to do for him. Now
that had been a day when he'd felt like celebrating.
"I'll take Tevraki whiskey. Line up three shots for me, please." He'd be staggering home when he was done, no doubt. It was what he did when his mind went places he didn't know how to claw it back from. One of these days he was going to drink himself to death, and no one in Seven Corners would be surprised.
Until then, he let the whiskey's sweet fire coat his tongue. A few more and he might feel up to a celebration.