Private Absolution

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra gasped, going ridged. Her gaze went distant as his very being laid open to her, the girl falling utterly still as she absorbed... witnessed... the mind before her with more intensity than usually spared.

Through the brushing contact he might expect to feel her own thoughts and reactions back, but it was a curious twist-- all there was to sense in her was himself, the pieces of him echoing through the body as if there was no Kyra there to begin with. The depths of which others influenced her knew no bounds. Who was Kyra even? Currently, she was a frustrated jedi knight, warily trying a last ditch effort to do something good.

The girl sat still, her mind a calm pool that only rippled in response to him. She absorbed what he gave her, the direct connection silencing the static of the rest of the world. He might have expected her to stirred. To be responsive and expressive as she witnessed what made up the person before her. But for every bit of potential the girl had with psionics, she had one vital weakness. Having grown up hearing the world around her, Kyra had no sense of self.

Which meant she could not end the exchange she dived into.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

The result of Caedyn's leap of faith, was not what he had expected at all. He had hoped that Kyra Perl might come to better understand him, who he was and why he was going to far out of his way to try to help her. To understand his genuine care and desire to see her succeed. However, instead of this, Caedyn felt as though he were looking into a mirror and seeing the same very reflection of himself that you would expect when doing so.

What should have been individual power of will, was almost non-existent, and it was as though he had completely consumed her being. It was an alarming experience and one that forced Caedyn to immediately raise his guard once more, cutting her off from the connection she had established with him.

In silence, Caedyn sat there observing his Padawan almost absently, his mind working over what he had just witnessed and felt through their connection. What did this mean for Kyra, and how did it affect her feelings, her consciousness. Where was her sense of individuality and personal identity, the very things that make up the core of every sentient out there.

His concentration returned to hone in on Kyra in consideration and concern for the young woman, his brows furrowing some as questions still echoed in the back of his mind. "...Are you alright?" he asked, the first and most important need, being the knowledge of his Padawan's safety and comfort.

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra blinked softly, dazed. Her change in heart rate, now undeniably lower, came immediately to her attention. She skimmed the room, seeking out an explanation and finding herself faced with on obvious conclusion.

Her face lit up. "I did it!" Her excitement hit the air, tangible as she burst from the position she had settled into it. "I meditated, mwahah! I win! Show me your favorite food," she declared, life entering her as she gestured wildly.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Caedyn blinked, finding that Kyra Perl seemed entirely unaware of what had just occurred. Yes she was...-Or had been calmer thanks to his influence, however the impact and weight of which was an entirely different story, an alarming concern for which left Caedyn somewhat speechless. What would happen to her if the Sith Cultists had learned of this, it would have been an easier method of corrupting the poor Girl, compared to going to the effort of torturing Acaadi .

"Kyra, take a seat..." Caedyn reponded, his voice serious and filled with concern. If she wasn't aware of this potential weakness, then she would be an open book to anyone that might pick up on it. Was Caedyn the only one who had learned of this, or was this why the Assembly had asked for his intervention specifically.

"We need to talk about what just happened".

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra flinched, his serious tone hitting her like a wet towel on a warm day. She had just done good- why- why- why was he always so mad with her? Her confusion was evident as her face crumbled. What should have been celebratory for her was now another chastising. Typical. She wilted in a heartbeat, the pleasure leaving her eyes.

She looked down at the ground, visibly agitated. The change in mood was drastic, but that was nothing new.

"I dun understand," she protested, her voice growing smaller.

"How can you get mad about meditating? Master Loy said there's no wrong way, there's only trying and doing," she recited, her memory keen when it came to things she could twist to her benefit. "Well, I did it!"

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

It pained Caedyn to have to shoot Kyra Perl down like this, but honesty was at the forefront of Jedi ideology and establishing positive working relationships, to lie or to hide what had happened would only deter her in the long run. "I'm sorry, but what just happened wasn't meditation. I opened myself up mentally and emotionally to you and what happened was most unexpected, if I'm honest".

How was he to explain the reaction, and the feeling that he had sensed in Kyra in those moments. It was as if she had mimicked every aspect of who he was. If an ability the likes of which could be controlled and practiced at will, what potential would she find within her reach? Could she gain the experience of another person, learn from it as if it were her own? This was uncharted territory for the Jedi Knight and would require further investigation and research.

"When I let my guard down, your presence changed...-You still looked like you, but all that I could sense was myself. It was as though I were looking in a mirror. You were physically staring back at me, but it was my consciousness. My feelings that I could sense in you...".

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra slowly raised a brow, her pout shifting to a quirking smile. "Um... yeah... I'm an empath... we do stuff like that?" She said, as if she was the master and he an ill informed child. He wasn't the first mentor she had done this with, though the other had not taken it upon himself to train her otherwise.

"It still counts! I tapped into the force, right?" She declared, a bit of life sparking back into her. A squirm hit her movements again, the girl grinning as she expected praise.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

"I understand that Empath's have a natural talent when reading others, but what happened with you seemed to consume any sense of personality or individuality within you. It was as though you literally did not exist beyond your physical body".

Kyra Perl responded as though this was a normal thing, yet not all Empath's were capable of this, were they? Caedyn's experience with them was admittedly limited to his short amount of time spent with his Padawan. "Do you remember it? Remember feeling anything while it was happening, or is there no recollection of it?" Caedyn inquired curiously, a sense of concern still very much showing over his demeanor.

"I have concerns over this...-And questions that I will need to look to our Archivists for answers. You're the first I've come across after-all" he explained.

 

[Kyra Perl]

A sense of unease finally hit the padawan, Caedyn's persistent concern finally striking a cord with her. As it rightly should. "I-..." Her gaze flickered upwards going distant as she tried to recall. It was hazy, fleeting sensations lingering inside of her, as if the experience was a dream. They had felt so real when she had gone through them, she realized in that moment. "...KInda? The more I reach for it, the vaguer it gets."

Concern grew between her brows, a sense of panic hitting her as things that felt vital, important pieces he had showed her, slipped out of her grasp like water between her fingers.

"Am I broken?" She asked, fear tinging her voice. She had never looked so closely at how she interacted with the world before, but being told she was the only one like this-- well-- Her breath grew quick and strained.

"It was the sith lord, he did it. In-In Kintan. They told me I was okay now-- but-" Well they musta been wrong? Her understanding of the situation was loose at best. Something must have caused this, right?

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

"Slow down Kyra" Caedyn raised his right hand, reaching out to her and with his influence over the Force, reached out to her telepathically with an aura of calm, encouraging her mind and heart to stop racing, in the hope of settling her some; "Rushing to conclusions isn't going to help" he assured her, "You're not broken at all".

In most cases, previously, Caedyn Arenais would not have sought to invade another's mental or emotional being the way he was trying to gently do with Kyra Perl , however, given her affinity for emotional dialect and her tendency to jump from one emotion to the next so sporadically, it seemed like the right thing to do in order to discourage any panic attacks or further upsets. The way in which she would be affected would be marginal, merely a calming presence and not affecting her freedom of will at all.

"Part of what makes a Jedi's training so important is the growth and learning we achieve within ourselves, and this is something that you're starting to do now. Learning who you are as an individual, outside of the way other people make you feel. You are an Empath, yes, but that's not all that you are".

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra gave a whimper, her panic slowly subsiding. He spoke of knowing who you are-- of understanding your place in the world. If Kyra was being honest with herself, she didn't have any answers there. She had always chalked that up to being a teenager, but there had been enough instances in life for her to start realizing that she more than just a little... weird.

"Is this why I'm so different?" She asked, her voice tight. There was nothing good about the connotation, different not equally special here. "Why people dislike me-- why you-- you get mad."

Quarter zeltron, force sensitive, wild and unrefined in any culture. Kyra had stuck out like a sore thumb to her full blooded classmates as a child, even when influenced heavily by their docile nature as she was. That quirkiness only grew as Kyra transcended to Silver Rest culture. And in classes, every day, she was a problem.

Her very existence, it felt like it didn't fit in.

She often ignored it, too distracted and filled with ego to ever linger on such thoughts. But laid before him as she was, the insecurity took root.

"I'm not normal, am I."

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

"No you're not normal" Caedyn replied with a wary smile, "Normal is boring, and you're certainly far from boring" he elaborated in warmth. Normal was a societal view point of the average or common majority, the status quo. By Galactic Standards, the Jedi themselves were not considered normal and so Caedyn never put much stock in the concept.

"You're every bit the way the Force intended" he continued, "And although it may be difficult, your goal is to discover what this means for you. Who you are in the Galaxy and where you fit in as an individual". Caedyn had struggled with some of these very same questions not so many years ago when the Je'daii had disappeared, and he had been first invited to Kashyyyk, yet hadn't known what being a Jedi meant or looked like for him.

"What are your hobbies, things you enjoy doing?" he gave one example of things that made up who Kyra Perl was as an individual. "What is it about being a Jedi that motivates you? How do you feel about the Galaxy..." These are some questions you could think about.

"And yes there will be times I may grow frustrated with your attitude, but this does not mean I care any less. My methods may not always seem nice from your perspective, but I am doing all that I can to help you. That may mean changing, compromising or adapting to certain times; Something we both need to try to do for one another...-But we are, and always will be a team".

 

[Kyra Perl]

If he hadn’t reached out to sooth her, he would have soon found himself with a very different response. But Kyra was often bombarded by the loud and erratic, and his calm was a breath of fresh air she was known for clinging to. Yuroic. JJ. They often did the same to her, and she had often often submitted to it, unwitting as she was.

His influence was balm on her senses, grounding her.


Wrong or right, it helped. If he didn’t do it, the rest of the world would have. She couldn’t control what she received, but he could control what was around her.

Her fingers reached up, unconsciously touching at her bruised neck as she was left with his words. She wasn’t sure how they had gotten here from meditation class, another screw up by her, she guess. She had no desire to redirect him, a different thought on her mind altogether.

“What if it’s not meant to be. What if-“ her voice hitched, words contorting. “...I’m not meant to...” her fingers slipped to her padawan braid, tears pulling unbidden to her gaze. The sith had told her about this. How they would try to cut her up. Make her fit. She bit her tongue, deciding at once that she didn’t want to entertain this conversation any further with the present company.

She redirected it back to the class, preferring meditation to that thought. “Are you sure that wasn’t meditation?”

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

"Nothing happens by chance, Padawan" Caedyn replied, for the time being ignoring her questioning the meditation and focusing on the matter of greater importance and personal needs; "The Force has a Will and everything that happens is guided by it's design. Every tragedy, every life and accomplishment. The decisions we make are ours, but the path set before us is the will of the Force and in this, there are no 'What If's'...".

Caedyn reflected on their situation and the happenings thus far. What he had learned of his Padawan, and what potential challenges lay ahead in connection with the recent incident between them. "I'm going to give you something to repeat to yourself in times of anxiety or doubt, a mantra specific to you" he said, the idea in truth not being so different from the concept of the five precepts of the Jedi Code for which Jedi recited in order to encourage and renew their determination in their studies; "Repeat after me...".

"My name is Kyra Perl .
I stand here today, a Jedi.
With me, is the Will of the Force.
All that I see before me, is meant to be.
Through the Force, nothing is impossible.
In myself I carry the heart of the Order.
My potential is limitless.
I am strong.
There is none like me"
​

Caedyn finished, awaiting as each individual line would hopefully be repeated after him. His Padawan might think it stupid or embarrassing, but there was nothing but purpose in Caedyn's voice, his speaking of this mantra was from the heart and out of determination that she would one day share. He believed that she could one day reach her goals, but the true problem on this day was Kyra's inability to believe in herself and see her worth.

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra had whined, reluctant to say such embarrassing things. But the steal in his voice urged her onwards, the padawan mumbling each line with a bit of redness to her cheeks. By the time they finished, her voice was near inaudible, cracking into the air as it faded off. She looked down, her fingers dragging anxiously across her braid.

"...That's stupid," she murmured, unable to take it to heart.

The Force was a concept still struggled with. She felt it all around her, she understood that it existed. But to view it as sentient? Intentional? That would mean every person lost at Kintan was meant to die-- chosen for that fate. She couldn't swallow that. She was no more meant to be a jedi than they were meant to be lost. She was a faker, and they...

This was usually the point in their lessons when he dismissed her-- when the emotions ran high and she felt particularly defeated. She glanced up, yearning for that in this moment.

"CanIgonow?" She asked, despite the shortness of the exchange.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Caedyn sighed once more, his gaze dipping momentary in self-interest. Of things that were stupid, he found Kyra Perl 's desire to challenge everything that he said to be of a similar sentiment, however he did not say such things. Furthermore, her request to be dismissed caused him to frown as they still had the entire day ahead of them.

"We've not achieved a single thing in the small time since your arrival and you wish to be dismissed?" He asked her rhetorically, "You clearly misunderstood me when I said we would be training for the day, working alongside one another. You'll be dismissed in the evening before dinner to do as you please", so far all that Kyra had done was complain and while she listened at times, she failed to truly hear, let alone grasp what he was saying.

Kyra seemed to be under the belief that she was controlled by her emotions, and that they were the driving force of her actions and behavior. It was as though she had not considered the fact that her consciousness and will-power could, over time, learn to take control of her own life and in doing so stop blaming her environment and those she shared it with for her struggles. Accountability, responsibility and self confidence. These were things she desperately needed, and also seemed to completely lack.

"It's time you start taking your life into your own hands" Caedyn informed her, "Every action you take, is yours to own. Every word you speak to others, you're accountable for. Everybody struggles. If Jedi training was easy, anyone could do it but they cannot...-You can, but you choose not to".

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra groaned, the whiplash between lessons and chastising too exhausting for such early hours. It was ironic, because he was only giving back exactly what she threw out to him. He did not let his lessons fall through the cracks. He held her accountable, and addressed every attempt of hers to redirect and overload the moment.

It was not intentional of her, but it occurred none the less. She flopped back onto her back, yearning for her bed.

He was exhausting, she concluded, still not quite getting that this was only has hard as she made it.

"Fine, fine, fine," she rattled, shaking her head back and forth as she stared up at the ceiling. "My name is Kyra Perl. I lay here as a Jedi. I know the will of the force. It's to do good things and stuff. I am my order, we like-um- pizza. No, that's not right. ...I am strong? My Master says I'm special. Blah--"

Despite her lackadaisical rendition, he'd he the strangest sensation that she was not trying to be rude. It was a branch extended back out to him-- the girl trying to get back to the lesson at hand ... however crassly executed.

" Better?" She flopped her head to the side, catching his gaze.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

"My name is Kyra Perl.
I lay here as a Jedi.
I know the will of the force.
It's to do good things and stuff.
I am my order, we like-um- pizza.
No, that's not right. ...I am strong?
My Master says I'm special. Blah--".
​

Caedyn stared at his Padawan, barely even a blink as he appeared somewhat aloof in response. It was admittedly difficult to tell if Kyra Perl was being serious or just making fun of him and his suggestions. It was even further difficult to know if he was getting through to her at all with the effort he was going to in trying to teach her to better manage herself, her impulses, reactions and behavior.

"Better?" Kyra turned her gaze to look his way, of which Caedyn's brows rose, answering her with a skeptical gaze. "Honestly...-It's an improvement" he admitted, though that wasn't overly saying much. It was a start, he conceded within. Patience, it was a core value of the Silver Jedi Order, and one that Kyra was clearly fond of testing. None the less, Caedyn did think her special, though there was work to be done yet before her talents would show in great form.

They would get there, together...-And it seemed to be a long road ahead.

"Breakfast ought to be being prepared by now..." Caedyn spoke up, acknowledging the need for a fresh environment. Kyra had previously asked to leave and been denied, so the likely annoyance that he'd receive in response to his coming suggestion wouldn't be without justification, however in this she would still be accompanying him and therefore dismissal was still out of the question.

With a gentle lift of his right hand, the entrance to the arena unlocked.

"We will attend, together".

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra beamed, popping right up. "Oh great, I'm starved. Do you think they have pizza out yet?" She was as ever changing as the wind, nothing fake about the abrupt change in mood. He had approved, and now there was food. What else was there not to be happy about? It was as simple as that.

She picked up her cup, running it over to the trashcan as he stood himself. Kyra glanced backwards at her back, debating for a moment if she wanted their weight on her shoulder or risk losing them to the empty room. It was an easy decision. She'd just buy a new set then!

She scattered to the door, a pep to her step as she gave it a testing yank. It opened easily, earning a larger smile as she glanced back over her shoulder. "Well at least keep up!" She slid out, showing no intention of slowing for him. Master or not.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Evidently, food motivated Kyra Perl more than anything Caedyn had said to her as of yet. All of the energy that she could of put to use during their first session suddenly found it's way back to her at the mere mention of breakfast, to which she sprang back to life, leaving Caedyn to sigh, and shake his head to himself. And while it seemed that Kyra was happy to leave things behind in the room, he was certainly not, moving first to retrieve her belongings before heading for the door. "We leave these rooms as we found them, out of respect for those who use them afterwards" he'd remind his Padawan, though he doubted she was even listening at this point.

Kyra would make it to the cafeteria first, having not waited for Caedyn to keep up and so the Jedi Knight had resigned to carrying her backpack with him. Whatever was within the bag might otherwise have been lost, and feeling the weight of which, she seemed to have quite a number of belongings within. In either case, Caedyn eventually reached the serving room and wandered up behind her, stopping in line to await their turn to choose from a selection of morning meals prepared by Temple Staff.

"Thanks for being so patient" Caedyn remarked with no subtle amount of sarcasm once he had found her.