There comes a time in someone's life, that they question morals, ideas, thoughts, actions, everything that they have done leading up to one singular moment in time. Looking back through the window out to the planet that was home to the Chiss, I watched as the massive weapon named "Mercy" destroyed it. A blast rocketing whatever it had once been, into oblivion. Having once stood upon its surface, I could start to feel everything welling up within me. Threatening to explode from my own form that had been taken in this universe. A gut-wrenching ache purveyed over all of my core and chest. Holding my broken hand to my chest, I felt no pain from it even as it remained broken and battered from the fight with the man only known as The Mongrel
Any human would wish him dead were they in my shoes. Fighting me to a standstill, using tactics against me in combat I was not prepared for. A sly opponent who used trickery and deceit to win in a fight. I could feel everything... she did. My friend, and companion when I was alone. The one being who would listen and never respond with any words. Following me into battle countless times against the Brynadul, bandits, fighters, and warriors of the dark. Countless times she had saved my hide and I her. Narma. A good girl who enjoyed playing fetch despite her size. A Tuk'ata that had been feral, wild, and alone, found comfort in becoming my friend. She and I were... connected. Seeing my memories of her as we rode into battle multiple times, or the troubles of finding a ship that would fit her in the cargo hold or some other place. Her life and memories will always live with me.
She... I..
I left her behind. Her body gone. Reduced to atoms in the wake of the rending explosion of the "Mercy." Every part of me began to shake and tremble. Holding it all. The shame of being bested. The failure of not defending Csilla and her people. The loss of the closest friend I have had since... ever. I did my best. A Jedi doesn't let emotions control them. A Jedi doesn't let them take hold. They have to be emotionless warriors of peace. So that the survivors can continue to live and thrive. Yet every part of me questioned this. My emotions. Despite my... status. I couldn't hold it anymore.
Within the escape pod, I slammed my broken hands into the walls. Punching them. throwing them. Letting everything go. Tears streamed down my face completely obscuring my vision. My saber had been lost with her. Left behind in my haste to escape from the man. Bloody hands grabbing my hair and yanking on it to feel anything other than these emotions that flooded and overwhelmed me. Over and over again.
"NO! NO! NO!"
Taking a hold of my head, slamming it into the wall with every utterance.
"NO!"
"NO!"
"NO!"
The throbbing pain of my wounds hitting me hard. I could feel it all. My hand on fire, my head disoriented. I didn't care.
"GODDAMN IT KALE! MONGREL! GRAH! NO! I.. NOOOOOAAAAAHHHHHH!"
Screaming into the pod, and the pod alone.
TWO DAYS LATER
Adrift. I sat on the floor of the pod. Floating along even as a vessel had picked me up. I had refused to open the pod with my wounds. People attempted to break in, but all of my powers were used to thwart them. A bubble around me preventing them from breaking in. I just.... I wanted to be left alone. I was mad at everyone. If I hadn't failed if I hadn't made stupid mistakes in the fight. If we didn't charge that line, if we didn't get into that fight. Narma would still be alive. She would be beside me. Breathing, panting, wounded, but still alive. I wanted to hold her. To care for her. To help her with her wounded limbs. To get rid of the puncture wounds, to heal her and to go after that son-of-a-queen Mongrel. I hated him. I loathed him. I wanted every fiber of that being to perish along with Narma. I wanted to destroy all that he had ever had. To show him what "Mercy" really was. To bring to him the value of what it really meant.
As another man attempted to get close to the pod, I lashed out with a hand and sent him flying through the force. Slamming hard into a wall. Not enough to kill, but he would be injured. I hated all of this. I wanted everything to be over.
THE NEXT DAY
"Can you at least eat?"
The man sitting in front of me at the cafe table in the vessel attempted to put a plate of food in front of me. Sitting there, hands folded in my lap, I just couldn't eat. Bandages covered me, and whatever medical treatment was helping.
I had some nerve damage in my right hand. My pinky and ring finger were damaged pretty badly. The webbing next to my thumb was also missing a rather large chunk. I had some bone fractures in both hands from multiple sources, and I did have a concussion. Also had a number of wounds elsewhere that were more superficial. I would have multiple scars on my right and left hands and arms. Scars that would never heal. The Doctor was worried that I might lose functionality in my right hand. However, that won't be the case for some time. Arthritis was in my future, and some nerve pain would happen every so often depending on how far it was.
"Look dude, at least tell me what is going on."
"She's gone."
I didn't have to look to see the man become solemn in his demeanor. His voice lower than before.
"My condolences."
"Eh."
"Don't."
"What."
"Don't eh me. You lost someone dear to you right?"
Silence
"Look, I have lost people in my life too, and saying anything won't bring her back or help you. But at least take care of yourself?"
"Why?"
"Because that is what she would have wanted right?"
"She isn't sentient."
"What do you mean?"
"Tuk'ata. A... friend, companion."
"Doesn't matter. She would want you to live right?"
Silence.
"Please, at least eat something. It will help healing, and you need energy."
He left me alone for some time. Letting me sit there and just think to myself... about nothing. Just emptiness. This alone feeling I had was the first time I really felt it after losing someone. It killed me. It hurt beyond any wound I have ever taken. Instead of letting it fester, I did as he asked. Reaching up with my barely bandaged left hand, grabbed the spoon, and took a couple bites of the soup placed before me. Finding rather quickly, that my body was empty and hungry. Eating all of it and draining whatever drink was in front of me.
"Thank you."
WHO I WANT TO BE
Its been weeks since the... incident. I had whatever gear with me strapped on me. We were now planetside and loading off into New Imperial Order Space. As it was likely one of the closest major factions to the incident. As I walked out, I was greeted by others. Emotionless, I walked past many who were trying to care for those still wounded and aiding others off of the ship. Looking up to the sky, the zone of atmosphere between the ground and space.
Narma was gone physically, but I still had her. She was with me in memories. I would always remember her. Her sacrifice. I... I loved her. She was more than just a mount, a pet, or companion, She was my family. Any person, being, shouldn't have to go through this.... this loss. This loneliness. I had to change it. I had to accept it in my own time.
First, I needed a new saber.
