I fear. I am fearing, and I am fearful of what has transpired. All of this time, I have been doubting myself. Its a festering wound that eats within me. Its deeply ingrained to a degree I don't think I will ever really be able to remove it. While I have wounds that have healed to become scars, I have not been able to heal this one. The loss. The fear of losing again. So many times I have been bested, barely able to stand after the end of the fight when on my own. Sure, I fought a Sith Master back when, but he let me win. He struck a blow with Sith Poison that I still deal with to this day. The scar across the jaw and neck is a constant reminder to me of the pain I face. It is all I have. Pain.
Every day, I wake up in my ship. Looking at the mirror to see the scars across my body. Good physical conditioning, enhanced by the force, and constant training has benefited me to such a degree that I could run for miles without having difficulty breathing. Wearing full armor, I could do the same! I fought against Assassins, trained in martial arts, lightsaber combat, weaponry, and even mounted combat! I am a Jedi Knight. Yet every time I think back to that singular fight, I was unable to defeat him. I failed. Just as I had failed when I shot Romi. My mind wanted to attack the Sith who was aiming to strike her down. Yet due to circumstances, the round hit her in the arm. I... I had failed her. So many times I had dealt with problems that I couldn't conquer.
This fear is infecting me.
Its tearing at me from within.
I could feel it spreading to my very soul. I found it difficult to use the force. It was pervading all of my essence that I couldn't focus. I couldn't center myself like I had trained to do so many times before. It was... defeatist of me to accept this. I couldn't just be standing here for any reason. I had leave. I had to find something. Anything. I felt lost... I am lost. I needed to take some time to travel back home. Weik. I wanted to see my father. It took very little time to get there. I cleaned myself up a bit before trying to find him. Considering the planet isn't... up to par with the rest of the galaxy, I dressed in my normal garb. I wanted my father to see me as something more than just the Farmer boy who he raised. Would he see me as a failure? Would he see through whatever façade I would fabricate?
I vowed to reach the summit. I promised my old man that I would never give in, and to find a way to control the powers at my disposal. It killed me to want to come back home, but it was... the only place I could think of that was away from the Galaxy.
It wasn't long that I landed my Jedi Starfighter down in the field next to my fathers home. Walking out of it, was him. Standing tall, Erathaol. A once Paladin, Now farmer, my father who had given me so much in my life. Teaching me all there was to be of a growing young man. To think I would be taken in by the Jedi, trained further, and become something... more... if that is what I was now.
Standing up from the ship. We stood apart from one another. Taking my steps off of the wedge-wing shape, I landed into the dirt. Boots becoming dirty, but I cared not. Walking to close the distance with the man. I could see his hair was becoming grey and filled with salt and pepper. Even more so than I remember. He had been doing quite a lot on his own. My brother still lived with him, but I assumed he was at the market now.
Coming close enough to stand only a few feet apart. I looked at his Silver eyes. Aged, and with crows feet around them.
"You have grown."
"You greyed."
"Got a couple scars I see?"
"Farm work keeping you fit?"
"Kaleleon."
"Father."
There was a silence. Broken only by both of us failing to keep our sabacc faces and breaking into smiles. Distance closed, and giving one another a hug. Grasping with the full length of our arms. I could feel his warmth through my poncho. I could feel his heart beat against my own chest. The man who raised me. The separation was met with his hand coming up and rubbing my face. Turning my head to look at the scar across my cheek.
"That's a Nasty one there. You will need to recount the story of that fight."
"I planned too! You were always one for stories."
"Well get inside. We have food nearly ready."
"We?"
A chuckle mixed with a sigh was met to me. Leading me inside the home, I walked through the door. Falsely remembering it to be much bigger than it was. Looking inside, lit by candle light was my mother. She was rough around the edges, but well meant. She stood up, and without me able to speak a word, closed the distance and hugged me as well. Her body slamming into mine that I lost my breath.
"Moom-mph"
"Kale, I have been worried about you. Finally you came back."
"Of course."
"Now sit down. Food is almost ready."
"Yes Ma'am."
"Oh shut it. Just because you are some big shot doesn't mean you need to treat your mother like some Military officer."
"Yes mother."
"Arons, I swear."
"its in his blood hun."
I chuckled a bit before sitting down and enjoying the meal. Homecooked chicken stew with some vegies. Homemade bread, and butter from the village. Recalling my stories to them, of my escape, being attacked by a Death Cult, joining the Jedi under Master Romi, and helping her. I left out the part where I shot her, but recalled in training how I had gotten stabbed with a lightsaber. Even the scar on my jaw being from a Sith Lord who I had defended against. My father had eyes brighter than the nearest star. My mother worried, but still enjoying the recalling of such events. It was starting to get late. Even the stars were showing out. My brother would be returning from the market tomorrow sometime in mid-day. So they ushered me off to bed.
Yet, I could not sleep. Awake I laid there. Looking up through the patchy ceiling to see the stars above. I remember sleeping here for years. Always wondering what was beyond the sky of Weik. The people you could meet, and the cities that housed literal trillions of people. But now that I knew... the stars were... different. Dimmer than before. Shaking my head, I got up from the bed. Getting just dressed enough to have my pants on. Throwing on my boots pretty quickly and without much sound, I left the shack.
Going out into the garden of my fathers, one that I remember fondly of having to clean out and weed as a punishment. But now, I stood before it. Looking at the native flowers. Kneeling down, I smelled one of them. It was... good. Reminded me of home once more. Sickly, but good. Its when I heard a creaking to my side that I lept up and got into a stance. Prepared to fight that I found my father standing there at the door.
"Couldn't sleep?"
"No."
A sigh escaped my lips with the answer. He knew there was something. He didn't say it, but he knew.
"Whatever is bothering you, let it be. You are home. Rest. You are safe here."
"You're right."
"Of course I am right. I am your father."
"Last time you were right..."
"I know."
Looking over to him, I just had to ask. I needed too.
"You know what I am here."
"Something is eating at you."
"How can you tell?"
"You are from my loins. I would know a thing or two about you."
"I don't need that mental image."
"Kale, you are my son. You had your first words in my arms. You walked your first steps in this house. You ate under my roof. I raised you as best I could. I know when something is getting at you."
"I just... Don't know what to do."
"Smile."
I looked at him confused. Brows furrowed and clearly wanting a better answer to the situation. There was something off about how quickly he came to that solution.
"A smile?"
"You are a Paladin correct?"
"Jedi, but yeah."
"Same difference. A person who faces danger no matter what wager is placed."
"You have said that a time or two."
"I trained Paladins Kale."
"Touche."
"In all of my time, there was one thing that I kept about me. It was to keep a smile on my face no matter the cost."
"A smile?"
"Yes. Even as something as small as a smile, can be a weapon against your fears."
"How?"
"Smiling in the face of danger. The face of death, can stave it off one more day. Showing the willingness to fight could be the one thing that allows you to overcome that fear."
"Yeah?"
"Yes. And if others see you? They know that smile, is meant for them. A smile to show them that in the face of this fear, this danger, you will stand there. One for All."
"What do I need to do?"
"Stand proudly. Be a witness to the very thing you have become. A Jedi."
Carry on with pride. Carry myself with a demeanor to face fear in the eye. Looking down at my barechested self, I could feel the cold air moving around me. The force was a tool, just as much as it was a gift to me. I had all the training I needed. What I needed, was to know how to use it. While it was something so small, it was something that would mean very little in the face of all that was before me, I knew it to be the truth. My heart racing as I looked over to my father.
A smile on my face.
