A holo of Kaleleon flickers to life. It shows him sitting down with his arms folded, but leaning forward. As though this act was holding his arms in place. Clearly, he was nervous. There was much upon his mind.
I am not sure about todays date. Its been... blurred for me these past few months. One day seems to flow into the next without my knowledge. I uh... have been dealing with quite a lot since the destruction of Csilla. Even before then, I was shoving away my problems. Maybe solving it by the old verbiage of, out of sight out of mind. Instead, it was bottled up, and when the top blew, it... damaged me.
Looking up and around the space he is in, Kale finally finds a sudden fascination in his boots. The toe of the boot moving ever slightly as though he is playing with his toes from within. A nervous tick to deal with his mental anguish.
I have heard that people talk to therapists, or shrinks. Maybe just a friend. However, I don't have the novelty of those at this stage. I know some write in diaries, or journals. While I am not really sharing this as some kind of log of my day to day life, I am... hoping, that this is some kind of tactic for me to use so that I can... release this stress upon me. This massive weight that is upon my shoulders I can't seem to get out from underneath. This is probably a prologue of sorts.... I guess? Either way, this is my attempt to gather my thoughts. I don't think I will ever go through these logs to relive the past, but if I should have children, an apprentice, or even a mentor of mine find these, then maybe they can learn something from it? Or just understand... whatever this is I am dealing with.
The best I can call it is depression. I feel no drive. No desire to do anything other than waste away the day in my bunk, watching holovids of some old shows my father used to watch, and relive the days when I was a simple farmer's boy on Weik. Yet, every time I feel this way, there is a single nerve in the back of my mind. barely whispering for me to get up, to continue to fight. Most days, this wind loses. Letting myself drift off in deep space with no location or star within lightyears of me. I only realized how bad it was when I looked into the mirror, seeing facial hair, dirt all over my skin, and clothes I had been wearing since I could last remember. I felt disgusting. Was disgusting. it was a problem and I needed to fix it. So I did. Headed to the nearest spaceport, Phaeda, which is not the best of places, but I got a room, showered, got some new clothes, and did my best to not throw up at all of the social interaction that was required of me to reach that point. I knew I was dealing with something more than just the blues.
Sighing, Kale reaches to his side, and pulls out a set of name tags. Clutching them tightly, he held them up in a clenched fist to his jawline. Leaning on the arm into his knee as he sat there. Leaning forward and spoke through his hand. While a little muffled, it was still clearly heard.
Its been, I want to say a couple months since the destruction. My failure. My... loss. Losing my saber on the planet in an attempt to get away from my enemy who bested me and... her. Losing her, and so many others to the Brotherhood of the Maw. Every time I see his face through that damn mask, I start to feel a rage building. Emotions are powerful, but dangerous when not controlled or tempered. This anger I had, I needed to let go. Allow Narma to rest in peace, and to move on from my failure. To learn and one day, when I see this Mongrel again, I will beat him. Even if this victory is only for a mere second, I feel it would be worth it. This isn't revenge. I don't want to fight him again. I don't want to seek him. While the emotions and feelings in me want to release themselves and go tearing across the galaxy in search for this individual, I know I can't. I know I shouldn't. So I wont. I will let him go. Let him live knowing that if I find him again, it would take more than just a couple knives, and tripwire to get me.
I have learned from my mistakes, and I hope to be able to become better for it. It was... honestly one of the few times I have been given a leadership position upon that massive of a stage. It was daunting, and I personally sought to fight. Running, literally, stubbornly, into the ground.
His hand dropped back down and replaced the tags. Sitting up straight, he looked directly into the recording device.
I have value. I know I do. I know where to place this. I just need to do it correctly. This isn't something I will be able to learn from Romi, Coren, or even Cotan. This is something I need to do on my own. I have to bear this burden of my own choice and malice. I want to be a Jedi. I NEED to be a Jedi. People depended upon me, and I failed. Hopefully, these recordings, will be the start of my repentance.
I'll see you again.
Standing up, Kale reached forward and the holo shut down.
