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Appears, I've been away. Quite awhile actually. From this journal anyways... I... I would love to say that I have simply been too busy, or have been on a vacation. But. That isn't the truth. It's probably quite silly, but I think the battle on Geonosis has left a mental scar on me. Or in me I guess would be the proper term.​
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I wouldn't say that I'm going through some form of PTS or anything. I just, just need to let some of this out. The events that took place there have given me new thoughts and have solidified old ones.​
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I was there on the front lines of the battle, in a trench I think. Bunch of guys, some of them good friends, nearby. Then the enemy attacked. They had many droids, some snipers too... I watched a new friend of mine get his face shot off from a sniper shot. I knocked out early on, to my shame I did not fare as well as I should have. It's not that I haven't seen battle, or watched as fellows died around me. I used to be a criminal and got used to that sort of thing. But, there was more emotion in this. Heh, sounds funny right? Blaster fire flying everywhere, explosions happening so close your ears bleed, and bodies turning from people into corpses. It's a strange thing. It brought out lots of things, maybe some I didn't want to remember.​
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I saw one of our soldiers try and fight a droid hand to hand... the poor guy never stood a chance. When I saw him again his neck was bent the wrong way and his body was on fire. That was something else. Some of those explosions sent small cinders everywhere, starting fire on men's uniforms. Those who were wounded often felt too much pain even to realize they were burning alive... A few people were so badly shell shocked that they didn't respond to anything, until they like most everyone else was shot down. One young guy, nearly my age, had this empty look in his eyes when I found him in the trenches. I had to shake him before he could even speak. He had blood splattered over his clothes and his face, his hands were covered in red mud from clambering over the blood drenched ground. I told him everything would be okay, but that we would have to continue the fight. He didn't even question that, he just picked up a equally dirty blaster and followed me. We jumped out of the trench and tried to push back against the droids. We didn't get far...​
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We were barely three meters when I tripped over a dead soldier. The young man tried to help me up, but a droid cut him down as he tried to lift me. I almost couldn't get up at all, I didn't know why I should. I'd be dead either way. I told myself that I should die with honor, die for the freedom that I claim to want. Fate had other ideas. I can't remember what happened, I remember a bright light, almost like a star had been brought to the battlefield, and a sound that I only heard because of the rattling in my bones. Then my vision went black and when I awoke we had won. I was in a medical facility on that dusty rock... not really dusty anymore, rather muddy now. My right arm, the mechanical one, apparently had had a large piece of shrapnel imbedded in it at some point in the fight. I think it must have been after I lost consciousness, I would have been in too much pain to forget something like that I think.​
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I don't know why I bother saying all this. I mean, even if anyone else reads this, whats the point. No one else will have been there, standing on the front lines and fighting for your life secondly and for your ideals firstly. Is my message wasted simply because I alone of those who read this will know what it feels like?​
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I guess, if anyone does read this, I have a few important things to say. The men that lay down their lives for you are worth more than you could ever know. Soldiers rarely do evil of their own choice, don't assume your enemy is bad and you are good. Probably last yet most important, don't separate yourself from your men's suffering, that is when you will lose them and everything.​
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I have so much more I would want to talk about, but I think dredging... ooh bad word... bringing up the past has worn me out. I need to go and find something to take my mind off this. Farewell, until next time.​
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