I am not really certain if this will help but someone did recommend talking to someone... really anyone who would be willing to listen. The holidays were different, really I spent most of the time alone asleep in my room and I was still tired because I didn't want to have to keep answering the same questions. Or trying to explain how or why the past eight years have been just getting worse and worse. We went through all of the motions, I walked around, my mother asked "why are you so sad?" A yearly conversation where she acknowledges me in any emotional state beyond "difficult". "for the same reasons I have been the last eight years." I reply and she gives the usual "well if you are depressed we'll get you some help." I have been waiting for the last eight years to see this help.
Then my niece and nephew asking me about when I am going to get a job so they can have presents or so I can play games like their dad. Explaining to them that I don't have a job gets generally confused expressions from that as they are in 1st and 2nd grade... they don't really know or get it and why would they. Then well my brother in law... he is more understanding and doesn't ask questions doesn't seem to judge but he also doesn't really have a way to help. Even if he had the ability to somehow offer a job there is no room to stay with him and my sister with their children in Fresno until I have an apartment and am on my feet. He is a good man and my sister generally doesn't do anything but offer hugs and some love because she gets to leave.
Which brings to the root of the problem, after I lost my job I took a moment to breathe. I had been working six to seven days a week and usually from noon to closing time at two in the morning. Not because I was dedicated but usually because I was covering and given the shifts. I had what I needed and a plan. it wasn't a special plan, i didn't think I would be special. My goal was to have something saved up that would allow me to actually think about more then myself. Start socializing more, meet someone. Then I got fired and after a conversation with my grandfather a good man. Despite all of the horrible stories I have heard of him he was always good to me and seemed to be supporting me. He recommended take a break for the rest of the month.
It was the tenth of the month so have some time and then start hitting the job search to work and get back on the horse. So I took that and I did it... then i kept on doing it and kept on doing it. Each day filling out applications, normal ones and online. Each day calling to check for interviews and what was going on. Ovr and over being told to talk with this person tomorrow... so call and they needed me to talk with a different person until the first person i spoke with was named and the loop started again. Or I would get an interview, get to go in and talk with them. Get my step dad to cut my hair, shower, shave, dress to impress all of it. Sit there next to people that seemed stoned or drunk. Then after the interview I would shake their hand give them everything....
Then a series of waiting for them to call, they would say "we'll call and let you know in a couple of days." So alright wait for a call. When no call comes I would call to talk with the person who interviewed me and generally they didn't seem to even know who I was and had hired people already so my application would be there in case. Then another week would pass and you would see the same place looking to hire more people because they fired or lost some. Begin the same process over and over for eight years. During the tme generally being constant talks about how I need to start being involved and being productive. The constant "what do you want to do with your life?" over and over as all I can say is "frak if I know... step one is have job."
There was not much else with that, every month when i would get one of these talks the questions were the same and since i stopped planning months or years ahead given any time I think further then a day everything seems to go to hell. A new problem, a new reason why I can't do this, why I can't go to this interview, why I can't work at this place. Everything seemed to get worse and worse and worse. Didn't help that my step dad oh how pissed does he get because I don't want to drink beer, smoke weed or do crap that doesn't interest me. Since i don't seem to like that and would rather get along with people instead of pounding on my chest so that I can be in charge and I am the big man now. I don't care about that, I just want to get a job.
The secondary things of offering money for doing things that he doesn't want to do is... annoying. I never wanted animals they all did, I am content to not have chickens, dogs, turtles whatever flavor of the week pet to try and recapture some childhood between him and my mother. I don't care about the animals, yes I'll feed them because you don't want to feed your animals but that doesn't mean I want them it means I am not cruel to let it starve. Eventually after several years they seem to have figured this out, that i don't care about the animals and now they are taking care of them so that was a small victory. Not having to scrap the crap they leave on their plates in the sink with napkins so it clogs it all up... another small win.
Not that it really goes beyond that, it doesn't make things better. It just means that now I have more time to continue to fill out the same applications for the same places in a town that after eight years pretty much has become the sole thing that is constant in my life aside from calling and trying to convince these places to hire me. When mcdonalds a place that supposedly prides itself on the hiring of anybody won't hire you after applying for several years... That is a massive blow to any self esteem and sense of self worth. I really don't know what to do about that and I don't really have anything left to make me want to smile or stay upbeat. Interviews when they come, all the articles saying I could be unemployable and the only support a few people online.
Oh but there is also the constant things my mother says. "Well you can go to the community college and get a job after wards... Being in school means you can get loans and money to attend." To which I am always asking "what is this job I will be gifted by going to school?" No real answer just "well if you go you can get a job." Nothing really better then that. I disliked school, I don't want to go back, yes education can be important but if the only way i can make money is to go to a school, take out loans and attend classes... what kind of job is that? Honestly it is just something I do not understand and don't know what to do with it. I got worn out of the constant thing as I really don't know what it is that I am going to do.
There are other issues, family issues. The constant amount of problems and BS that comes from it. my brother used to steal my stuff, steal all of this stuff. Problem is though I am not allowed to distrust or harbor feelings at this. He steals from me, sells it off for whatever and it was things that I paid for, then gets to do whatever he wants and gets supported.... hell he somehow can get a job and I can't. Me the one who doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, doesn't stay out partying or get in trouble. It drives me in circles and makes everything feel like you are worse the worthless. Sadly and this is bad though.... I am not desperate enough to hate my life but nor am I able to enjoy any of the things that I am doing.... I just eat to feel a little bit better.
In the end though I am not really certain what I am. I sleep and just don't want to do anything anymore. aside from filling out applications and trying to get a job.... I don't have anything. My friend and possibly now my only and best given how he at least does talk with me when he can. Is a great guy but is in many of the same places as the others. He can't really help me so aside from our mutual love of Big Trouble in Little China and some camp 80's movies there isn't much. I am just worn out and tired but I shouldn't be, I've already slept more then enough... hell I managed to take a couple hour nap in the middle of the day and I am still tired while doing things. I am just looking at some of the better lives and wanting to at least have a chance for that.
Either way I have likely rambled on enough or for longer then I initially planned to. THis was just recommended as it would allow me to unburden myself and maybe try to do something. I was reading the one article that said try to make a change in your life so let it all go and try to make a change but I doubt it will take. A christmas gift that is literally a book talking about how when there is pressure drinking, drugs and years of it eventually can work out in the end... seems like a very ah strange way to actually do things. If I didn't know my mother who thought she was being clever I would think it was saying what I should do as that seems to be the best way to network with people in the town. Get the same drug dealer with a boss and then you can be hired.