There's been something in my head, something that's been ringing constantly for the past few months. Ever since I've been training here in the Pomojema, learning how to channel my aggression and what not. More importantly, I've been thinking a bit about resurrection a lot. Every day I wake up, it's in my head. It's like its my own shadow. Maybe writing something down here will help me.
When I met Ashin Cardé Varanin again at Near Pondo, she mentioned that she had resurrected herself. Ever since she allowed me to come here, I brought a bunch of swerves of my own encrypted datapads, and I've been trying to get as much detail as I can from the libraries here. Interesting stuff, but they never answered my question. I remember what she told me: you have to be steeped in the dark side to even be able to attempt to do this.
So I've been wondering then if this is possible, can I resurrect my sister. Should I resurrect my family who were taken away from me without any fault? Can I give them a second chance in the world?
I've been moving back and forth, trying to study as much as I can get. But it's something I've wanted to ask her. I've read the stories of the Sith of old. Everyone who was able to resurrect himself always took something in return. When I think about it, I often question myself and wonder: am I willing to let myself go in order for this to happen? Maybe I'm scared. If I'd been asked a few years, I'd say Sith like Darth Petrichor don't exist. I just don't know if I'm willing to go that far, that deep in order to resurrect them. Or maybe I'm scared, and it's all in my head. I don't know, I've only been studying the force for what? Maybe a year? All I know is that there's something in my stomach telling me to do it, but my heart is telling me not to. Feth... I'm lost right now.
Maybe I'm just tripping. Maybe she was lying, and like I told Petrichor, I kind of don't believe in a 'dark side'. But what if its true? I know someone like her existed, and she definitely fits the bill. Why am I even being like this? I know she resurrected herself. I shouldn't be trying to convince myself otherwise. What she said was true. Don't lie to yourself.
I don't know if the Jedi have something like this. Maybe I will get an answer. But every time I get a question answered, I have 100 more questions to ask. I hate my inquisitive nature, especially when I'm facing this all alone. Every time I look at the locket I have of my family, I wish I could go back in time and stop it. I want to see their faces, to play games with them. I want their presence, their love, their happiness. Everything. I want what was taken back from me. I need it back.
Idk. Maybe I'll ask her next time I meet her. she and Darth Petrichor are weird people, but they aren't the stereotypical Sith. But I still have to be cautious. I can't trust them, or anyone really. Even more so, as I told
Vytal Noctura
, my purpose in life is to pursue justice. And if I choose to pursue this goal, I don't want it to interfere with what I believe is my life's purpose. But isn't it also justice to give my family a second chance to? Wouldn't it be justice to let my sister live her life, to go to school and to have a family? Wouldn't it be justice for me to get what was taken from me? All the time, I'm trying to help people. But about me? Maybe I should look at myself and think about what I want. Well... it's an interesting dilemma. I just wish it had never come to me. I don't know what to do, but I need to make a decision fast. Otherwise I'll be caught in limbo, and that's never going to happen.
