Excerpts from Auteme's Journals, Part 1
Quartus 31, 858 ABY (Galactic Standard Calendar)
My mentor left today.
It just felt really sudden. My entire life, I've never been without him. And now he's gone. I never even learned his real name. There's so much I wanted to say to him, but now he's gone.
Will it always be like this? My parents disappeared, and now him. I already miss him and I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. Kashyyyk is incredible and the Silver Jedi are good people, but I don't know what I should do. He told me that my path begins here. Does that mean I'm supposed to be a Jedi? I don't know if I can do that. What they do -- it's beyond what I have. But... maybe, if I apply myself. I am a Force sensitive. It's certainly better than being picked up by the Sith.
Before he left, he did give me his name. Not his first name, but the name of his Clan. Clan Durren. I did some research and there are only scattered reports of that clan. One member, Arrex Durren, was somewhat prominent during the time of the Empire and its subsequent collapse. Aside from that I couldn't find much.
I'm not a Mandalorian, but if I understand the custom correctly I believe he's made me his heir. I don't follow the customs but I think that gives me the right to hold the name. That's what he told me to do, anyways. So, I think I will.
Auteme Denko-Durren. A made up name, the only name I remember, and someone else's name. It will certainly take some explaining if someone asks its origin.
Sextus 7, 858 ABY (Galactic Standard Calendar)
They're burning the bodies today. I've never seen the ceremony in person before but it's a lot more different to read about a cultural cremation ceremony than it is to be part of it. I didn't even know these Jedi, but thinking back I think I 'felt' them pass on in the Force. The adrenaline and stress kept it away. When the Mandalorians and their allies retreated from H'ratth I just sat down and cried. There was nothing I could do. There was a pain, and it was heartbreaking. It really, really hurt.
I just kept thinking, why me? How come I survived? All of those Jedi were more experienced than I was. All of them were way stronger than me. But I'll be watching their bodies disappear.
When I lost my parents to the crash I never really grieved because I could barely remember them. With my mentor, I've just been hoping he'll come back. But this is permanent. These people will never see their families or friends again. Some of the masters keep saying they live on in the Force but it's not the same. I don't know who to talk to.
Septus 34, 858 ABY (Galactic Standard Calendar)
Turns out my parents are alive.
After the battle on Tanaab I decided to go to Monastery, to see if I could help by healing some people. There's also a Force nexus there that I wanted to learn about. Instead I ended up spending the night at my parent's place. There was a lot of crying. It was mostly my dad.
I don't know if I thought they were alive or not, but I had kind of assumed so. If they were alive, why did they stop searching for me? It sounds selfish, but I just don't understand. If there was a chance that they could find me, how come they didn't try?
I guess I gave up, too. I haven't had the courage to ask them why. We haven't gotten deep into it. I think we should see a therapist.
I don't know what this means for me, either. Should I move in with them? I've finally started to settle in at the Silver Rest but now I have people who want to look after me. I don't know if I want them to look after me. They haven't been a part of my life until now. They seem really happy that I'm back but that doesn't make up for lost time.
I think I'll try to build a new relationship with them. I've never really been a 'daughter'. But I'm still learning with the Silvers and I've made some friends. I don't want to lose that. Maybe they can just visit on the holidays.
Also, mom's research is fantastically organized. She color codes (because what are we, animals?). I know where I get it from now.
Decimus 12, 858 ABY (Galactic Standard Calendar)
A young woman named 'Kelsie' approached me today. I'd never seen her before, but she seemed to know who I was. Weirdly I couldn't sense her, but I did feel something about her in the Force, like there was something watching over her. She just gave me an old Mandalorian helmet. Apparently it was owned by someone from Clan Durren. I'll do some more research. Maybe the woman wanted to get rid of an old keepsake? I don't know.
Primus 15, 859 ABY (Galactic Standard Calendar)
Something needs to change. The Silver Rest has been great to me, but I've seen what's out there and what's happening to the galaxy. I don't know if I can make a difference and I don't know if I can help, but I've come to realize I can't do a lot from Kashyyyk. The archives feel smaller and the work I do at the Halls of Healing feels insignificant at times.
I'm going to try something else. I came into correspondence with Master Quill of the Hoth enclave, and he's reminded me that there are a lot more Jedi out there (remember to finish the paper on Suerton probability manipulation BTW). There's also the message from Master Morga -- he's called a variety of Jedi to Peace Station. I think I'm going to head there. It seems like a safer place to train than the Silver Rest. Repetitiveness can stagnate learning and creativity as well.
I hope I can become something better there.