Private Where the Lost May Rest

[Taiia Mataan]

//: Allyson Locke //:​

The river divided the valley before it ever reached the academy. It came down from the mountains in two great branches, one cold and silver from the northern peaks, the other darker and slower where it wound through the jungle before they met at the fork below. From there, the water widened into a broad, restless current that carried mist through the morning air and filled the valley with a constant low murmur, with the distant call of birds hidden somewhere beneath the high green canopy.

The academy had been built where the two rivers met; it was not a fortress, though the walls could have fooled anyone who saw them from a distance. High, thick stone enclosed the village in a wide ring, weathered by rain and jungle heat, reinforced in places with durasteel ribs and watch platforms that had not been designed by scholars. Mandalorians had seen to that. Their work was practical, severe, and unromantic, the kind of construction that cared little for beauty except where beauty happened by accident. The main gate faced the only ground approach into the valley, a narrow road cut between steep mountains where any vehicle, army, or pilgrim would have to come in single file beneath the eyes of those who guarded the pass.

Beyond that road, there was no easy way in. The mountains rose too sharply on either side, their cliffs veiled in hanging green and broken by waterfalls that spilled white into the rivers below. The jungle around the valley was dense enough to swallow sound and movement alike. Some might think it is unprotected; they would be wrong. Mandalorian patrols moved through it in quiet circuits, sometimes visible as glints of armor between the trees. They were paid to protect the students, but most had been here long enough that the arrangement felt less like a contract and more like a boundary understood by everyone who lived within it.

Inside the walls, Students moved with their daily routines, crossed the stone paths in small groups, some carrying datapads, others training blades, others nothing at all. A few younger initiates sat near the river terraces with their eyes closed, trying to listen past the noise of their own thoughts. Older students worked in the open practice yards where the morning light had not yet burned away the mist, moving through exercises that looked simple until one understood what they demanded.

The academy had never been meant to resemble the Jedi or the Sith. Taiia had no interest in building another order that taught certainty before understanding. The Force was not light or dark alone, not command or submission, nor was it a weapon waiting for a hand to claim it. It was balance in motion, and motion required awareness. That was the first lesson most students learned here, though few understood it the first time it was spoken.

Taiia watched the morning from the upper residence balcony, a cup of tea cooling untouched beside her hand.

Her home sat slightly apart from the main halls, built into the rise overlooking the fork in the river. It was not grand, not by the standards of those who mistook height and ornament for importance, but it was comfortable, and it was home. Stone, dark wood, wide windows, and open air, where the sound of the water could reach every room. From here, she could see the academy proper, the village around it, the walls beyond, and the jungle pressing close.

She wore silver robes today, simple rather than ceremonial, with a green cloak folded over the back of the chair beside her. Her dark red hair had been drawn back loosely, leaving the subtle upward taper of her Eldorai ears visible. Reports were waiting for her attention, requests from instructors, supply concerns from the lower storehouses, a note from one of the Mandalorian captains about movement near the western ridge that had turned out to be nothing more than a nesting predator too curious for its own good.

The work of a headmistress was rarely dramatic.

Taiia lifted the datapad again, her thumb brushing across the edge as she returned to the messages she had been reading before the morning's interruptions. The first was from Caelan. His words carried his usual rough charm even through text, though she could hear the pride beneath the casual phrasing. He had met an Eldorai girl, helped her escape Sith attention, and had taken pains to assure his mother that he had not gone looking for trouble. Taiia smiled at that. Caelan never went looking for trouble. He simply had a gift for standing exactly where trouble decided to arrive.

The second message was from Seris.

Hers was more measured, more careful in the way she described things, but Taiia could feel the current beneath it all the same. Becoming Mandalorian was no small thing for her daughter. Not because of blood alone, but because Seris had always needed meaning to be earned before she accepted it. She wrote of Mandalore, of the weight of the people there, of meeting the Queen of Eshan and trying to understand what it meant to carry her father's legacy.

For a moment, she allowed herself to remember. Caelan and Seris as children along the riverbank, one bold enough to leap before judging the distance, the other watching the water first and only jumping once she understood the stones beneath it.

Taiia set the datapad down beside the tea and finally took the cup into her hands, though she did not drink. Her gaze drifted toward the road beyond the gate, where the morning mist still clung low between the walls of the pass. She felt no alarm from the Mandalorian patrols, no warning from the students, no disturbance sharp enough to demand action.

Only a shift. Small. Familiar in a way that made her stillness deepen. The Force moved through the valley as it always did, threaded through water and stone and breath, but beneath it there was something else. Taiia's fingers tightened slightly around the cup before she set it down untouched. For several moments, she did nothing at all. She only listened to that distant thread in the Force that had survived absence, silence, and every sensible reason it should have faded.

Then she rose from the balcony chair and drew the green cloak over her shoulders. There was still work to be done, always more. But for the first time, Taiia found herself looking toward the gate not as headmistress of the academy, but as a woman who had once loved someone enough to let her go.
​

 

[Allyson Locke]

//: Taiia Mataan //:
//: Attire //:

Why was she doing this?

What possessed her to even think this was okay?

The water rushed beside her, the current moving calmly without a care. She had walked beside this river many times before. It was too familiar, more than she would want to admit. This place was memorized by her ship's navigation, always prepared to travel here… a sanctuary that was never meant to be hers.

She had watched it be built through different stages until completion. Her shape had lingered in the crowds as students filtered in and out. Allyson was a ghost that often flew too close to the sun, wanting to return home, but never finding the courage to do so. Leaving was easier, lingering on the edge of Taiia's life was simpler… safer. Everything that Allyson represented only brought danger to Taiia's doorstep — but there had been a moment before this.

Allyson remembered it; she had worked up the courage, it hadn't been long — or she thought. The weight of the flowers she had picked in the valley lingered in her hand as she wore her wedding ring again. But as she drew closer, a gentle laugh followed by another that she didn't recognize.

Taiia was happy.

The flowers fell from her hand, scattering in the gentle breeze that the river brought. She had stayed far enough, only to watch someone else live the life that she had run from.

Again, Taiia made a beautiful bride.

Another time, Allyson found herself beaten and battered after diving several levels into the heart of Coruscant. For some reason, survival only drew her weary form to the academy once more, she stopped some distance away — hidden by the morning mist. More laughter, but from children. She watched as two played at the river's edge, their mother lingering close by.

Allyson could see the tiredness in her eyes, but her smile remained the same. Children… they looked like their mother, they were beautiful, but they were not theirs.

Stepping back into the mists, into the protection of the Force. She didn't want to interfere; they were a life that she could only watch pass her by, but they were safe, and that's what mattered to the Corellian.

Grief shook their connection, worried Allyson ended a mission early and found a funeral. She quietly paid respects to the man who stood in her place, took care of the woman she had abandoned, and had given a life she could not have given to Taiia. Again, like a ghost, she left — disappearing, forever being the Shadow that lingered at the end of consciousness.

Now, she stood at the river's edge of the academy she had seen over the years. She knew its layout better than most, probably as well as its Headmistress did. Often, Allyson would sneak in, traverse the grounds to leave gifts and trinkets. She would find an alcove to hide, to watch and admire from a distance. She was a coward, never making her presence known.

Today was different, whiskey lingered on her breath — but the effects were long gone. Liquid courage had only gotten her here, but she needed to find the edge to make it the rest of the way. She stopped, looking up from the gate that she often hesitated to pass through.

There was no hiding; she had grown tired of running. But why here? Why did she always end up here?

As Allyson looked up, she watched the woman standing on the balcony, looking down. Their eyes met for what felt like the first time in a millennium, and in that moment, her boots moved. Their pace quickened as they knew the path to the balcony.

Before she knew it, Allyson stood at the door, her breath shaking as everything in her screamed to run again. To run far, to remain the woman's Shadow…

Allyson didn't knock. Instead, her fingertips pressed gently against the door, her lips parted, saying words she hadn't said in almost… maybe thirty years?

"Min Larel…" she choked almost instantly regretting everything, "It's… It's me…"

 

[Taiia Mataan]

//: Allyson Locke //:​

Taiia had barely left the balcony when she felt the familiar presence move to the door. For a moment, she stopped. The bond had already told her enough, stirring beneath years of silence. It was not as sharp as it had once been, not as immediate, but it had never truly gone quiet. Allyson had always remained somewhere at the edge of it, sometimes distant enough to feel like memory, sometimes near enough to ache.

Taiia quickly discarded the cloak over the back of a chair and moved through the residence. She had nearly closed the distance to the door when the words came from the other side, fragile and familiar enough to still her hand before it reached the latch.

"Min Larel… It's… It's me…"

The words struck her more than she expected. When was the last time she had heard them spoken? Before Allyson left? Before the years of absence became something, they both learned to survive? Their lives had been too long for memory to remain clean, and grief had a way of making even familiar things difficult to place.

She drew the door open, and for the first time in what felt like an age, her eyes fell on Allyson Locke. To those who did not know her, Allyson might have looked fine. Tired, perhaps. Worn from travel, nothing more than another weary traveler. But Taiia had known her too deeply for that lie to survive even a breath. She saw the exhaustion beneath the surface, the kind that did not simply weaken the body but settled into the soul. It was there in the way Allyson held herself, in the tremor of her breath, in the instinct to flee that still lingered in every line of her.

It gave Taiia pause, but only for a moment. Then she stepped forward.

Her eyes found Allyson's as one hand rose, gently cupping the other woman's cheek. The touch was careful, but not uncertain. Taiia had touched this face as a wife, as a lover, as someone who had once believed the life they shared would have been forever. She had known Allyson in ways few ever had, and even after all the years between them, even after another life had grown around the space Allyson left behind, that knowledge did not vanish.

"The galaxy has not been kind to you, has it?"

It was rhetorical, but the words carried a gentleness that had not waned over the years. Taiia had seen too much of the galaxy to expect mercy from it, and she had known Allyson far too long to believe Allyson would ever spare herself from the worst of it. Some might have expected Taiia to be upset. To demand answers, why she left, why she had returned only to remain hidden, why she had chosen the riverbank, the mist, the edge of the valley, the shadows between buildings, but not her. Perhaps there was a part of Taiia that sought those answers, but that had never been her way.

Not the woman who had breached the World Between Worlds, gone beyond the black wall into Sith space, and walked into the depths of Jutrand for even the faintest glimpse of where Allyson might be. Not the woman who had loved her enough to let her go, and then loved her enough not to shut her out forever.

The door had not always been open in the way Allyson might have imagined. To say otherwise would be a lie; her husband had been a convenience, a heartbroken woman alone with a man who cared a bit too deeply for his own good and a woman who hurt just a bit too much. He had been good to her. He had given her something she had needed when love had wounded her, and from that life came Seris and Caelan.

But comfort was not the same as love. Comfort was not a love that survived absence or distance, and the stubborn refusal of either woman to fully let the other go. Comfort did not linger in the Force like a thread pulled taut across decades. Taiia had not spent those years waiting by the door like a grieving widow to a living woman, nor had she built her life around Allyson's return. She had lived; she had chosen perhaps unwisely, but her children were a gift she would never undo. She had made a home, buried a husband, and become something more than the woman Allyson had left behind.

And still, when that chapter ended and the years settled around her, the door had never been shut. Allyson had come to the edge of Taiia's life again and again, watching from the river, from the mist, from the spaces between. Taiia did not know how often or how many times Allyson had stood close enough to see the life she had built and mistaken that life for proof that there was no path back. Perhaps, for a time, there had not been. Taiia would not lie to soften that truth.

But not forever.

Taiia's thumb brushed softly along Allyson's cheek, and there was sorrow in the gesture, but not bitterness. The years had changed her, too; they had made her a mother, a widow, a teacher, a woman who had built walls around a village and a home within them. Taiia's response was the same as it had always been.

Compassion, tenderness, love.

"Bonvena heimo, Min Larel."

The words left her softly, but they carried the weight of everything that had gone unsaid. Welcome because, despite everything, she always was. Home, because she was always waiting. My love, because in truth she never stopped loving the roguish scoundrel in front of her, whills help her. If Allyson looked closely, the hand that rested against her cheek bore the wedding ring they exchanged, and neatly within her robes, the Correllian's dogtags still hung gently around the redhead's neck.

For a moment, the academy beyond them seemed very far away. The river still moved below the residence, the village still breathed within its walls, students still crossed the paths Taiia had built for them, but none of it intruded. This place had been made from everything that came after Allyson, and yet Allyson stood within reach of it now; all she had to do was choose it.

Taiia let her hand lower, though she did not step away.

"I felt you," she said quietly. "Not just today. There were times I thought I did. Near enough to wonder. Gone before I could be certain." Her gaze held Allyson's, steady and soft, but no longer pretending not to know. "I do not know how many times you came here before turning away. I do not know how many times you stood close enough to see the life I built and believed it meant the door was closed to you." Her voice remained gentle, though the ache beneath it was impossible to miss. "Perhaps once, for a time, it was, but not forever."

The residence behind her was warm and lived in, stone and dark wood softened by woven rugs, shelves of old texts, and small relics from years that had not been kind but had still been survived. A datapad rested on the low table near an untouched cup of tea, messages from Caelan and Seris still open where Taiia had left them.

"Come inside," she said softly. The offer was unconditional, no demand for apologies, repentance, or explanations. No attempt to decide, in a single breath, what they were or what they could become. Only an open door, and Taiia standing beside it, asking Allyson to cross the distance she had spent so many years refusing. "You made it this far," Taiia said, her voice gentle, almost impossibly so. "Let that be enough for now."
​

 

[Allyson Locke]

//: Taiia Mataan //:

The moment Taiia's hand touched her face, Allyson's body relaxed. She leaned into the touch, feeling something she had often sought in others and never found. All others paled in comparison to the woman who had captured her love.

Taiia had taught the Corellian how to rest, how to let herself just exist in the moment. They were things Allyson had forgotten over the years, things she constantly had to move and look over her shoulder for.
Allyson had enemies, and bringing them home ruined the sanctuary she was trying to build. But she never believed she could.

The question hung in the air, and Allyson didn't answer. She didn't need to. Taiia already knew. Governments, missions, allies… all of it always took from the Corellian - trust was empty, and there was never a place to rest.

A hand rested against Taiia's, keeping her warmth close, not wanting this moment to fade into a dream. She needed to know this was real, that she had finally gotten the courage to cross the gate and knock on the woman's door.

Finally, the words Allyson didn't know she longed to hear echoed in the silence. It was her language, one she had shared with Taiia; it was what made life at home with her. Allyson's head turned slightly, pressing her lips into the heel of the woman's hand. She could feel the strength behind it, the tenderness, and the love that had made Taiia's life while Allyson had disappeared.

A life that Allyson could only watch from a distance.

Still, with everything, she felt the smooth metal of the simple rings they had exchanged, like Allyson — Taiia continued to cherish hers.

"Min min hav fraylin valle, min Turhaya…"

Her voice was quiet as the hand fell from her face. Reluctantly, Allyson let it, fighting the urge to grab, to keep Taiia close. Time and distance had separated them, but even so, everything felt so familiar and not at the same time.

Taiia continued, and Allyson only looked at her with a hint of surprise. All those years, the Corellian had hoped she was able to remain unnoticed. To never interfere or remind Taiia of what Allyson had done. But every visit, every thought seemed to have bled through their connection. Allyson shifted her weight, thoughts screamed once more to run, that this was a mistake.

Yet, she stayed. She had come this far; the least she could do was answer and give Taiia the time she deserved.

"I did. I often came, mostly just to see you. Times that I needed a reminder to continue, moments that I could feel you needed, maybe just something familiar nearby…"

Allyson sighed softly, "I always came."

She paused, "One time, I was just too late… but you seemed happy — so I left."

There wasn't much more she could elaborate on; if Taiia had felt her all those times, she would know what she had meant.

Allyson looked around, taking in the space before she entered. She felt welcomed into the home, but nothing was familiar. An entire life was built here, and she was invading that peace. She was curious. Taiia hadn't bombarded her with questions; she didn't demand anything beyond just that moment. The woman always had a calm about her, it was something Allyson had cherished and often reached for. When the galaxy had threatened to rip her apart, Taiia had been there to just hold her.

Remembering that only made Allyson guilty. When Taiia needed her, she ran. Looking back towards the woman after taking everything in, she stepped closer, removing the space that had momentarily separated them.

Carefully, Allyson reached, fingers careful not to startle. The metal was warm to the touch as she exposed the dog tags that she had given the woman. Each flat metal piece bore all of the Corellian's identity, vital information that many would kill for…

"You kept them?" Allyson asked carefully, measuring the response. The metal fell from her fingers, returning to its place against the Eldorai's chest.

"And, you still wear them…?" The rest of the words lingered on her lips, almost afraid to ask — terrified of the answer.

"Did you always…? Same with the our ring…?"

 

[Taiia Mataan]

//: Allyson Locke //:​

Taiia watched as Allyson leaned into her hand, her thumb brushing gently along the Corellian’s jaw. There was no doubt in her mind that Allyson still loved her deeply, but she could see more than that. She saw the weight fall from Allyson’s shoulders, saw something she had carried for far too long loosen in that single moment of contact. Memory rose unbidden, full of old quiet moments just like this, when Allyson had come home worn down by pain, duty, and wars fought in the names of governments and causes that no longer existed. Taiia knew that burden well. She had carried her own share of it. She wanted very much to draw Allyson into her arms and tell her that it would be all right, that she was home, that she was safe once more, but she did not move closer. Not yet, no matter how much she wished to.

Allyson’s hand came to rest over hers, warm and careful, and then her head turned just enough for her lips to press softly against Taiia’s palm. The touch made Taiia’s heart ache and flutter all at once. Whills, how she loved this woman still.

"Min min hav fraylin valle, min Turhaya…"

The words struck harder than Taiia had been prepared for. For a brief moment, her breath left her, and only the small mercy of Allyson continuing to speak gave her something else to hold onto. She listened as Allyson admitted how often she had come, how often she had lingered at the edges of Taiia’s life. Taiia would not tell her that she should have stayed, nor would she speak aloud how many times she had wished for it. A wandering soul could not be dragged to rest. It had to reach the end of its wandering in its own time. That was something Taiia had learned through long and painful years.

Her gaze lowered when Allyson reached for the tags, taking them between careful fingers. Taiia watched her for a moment before her green eyes lifted to meet the Corellian’s. “Of course, I kept them,” she said softly. “They are yours, and they were a gift.”

This time, Taiia’s hand rose to cover Allyson’s, wrapping around it with the same gentleness. Beneath all the years, beneath the titles and grief and the life she had built, she was still the quiet woman whose heart Allyson had stolen long ago. “Not all the time,” she admitted. “But when the ache grew too heavy. Sometimes simply out of habit.”

Her fingers tightened slightly around Allyson’s hand, not enough to hold her in place, only enough to let her feel the truth of it. “The ring was different. I did not wear it. With him, it would not have been fair.” Her eyes softened, though there was a trace of shame beneath the honesty. “The tags were easier to explain away.”

Taiia drew in a quiet breath, her gaze drifting aside for a moment before returning to Allyson. She was not proud of all of it, but Allyson deserved the truth, not something performative. “You said I was happy,” she continued. “Perhaps, for a time. I will not deny that my children brought me joy, nor will I pretend there was no comfort in the life I had. But it was not a marriage of love, Allyson. Not the kind you and I knew.” Her voice softened further, carrying no cruelty toward the man who had stood beside her, only sorrow for what had been. “It was the weakness of a woman with a wounded heart, and the kindness of a man who cared too deeply.” Taiia looked away briefly, then found Allyson’s eyes again. “I am not proud of that. He deserved more than I could give him. But he never truly had my heart, and he knew it.”

​

 

[Allyson Locke]

//: Taiia Mataan //:

Allyson couldn't help the small smile that curled at her lips. Knowing that Taiia had found comfort in something so simple, so personal as her dog tags, it eased the guilt. Allyson didn't expect Taiia to keep them in reality, so when she mentioned not all the time, Allyson didn't react. Though the warmth of the woman's hand around her own took priority in the Corellian's thoughts.

Her touch was simple, and Allyson hadn't realized how long she had yearned for it. But that's how it always was with them, simple, calm, and yet passionate in the same breath. Nothing had ever compared to it, nothing ever would.

As Taiia mentioned the ring, Allyson's brow furrowed slightly. Not out of disappointment upon hearing the ring wasn't worn as well, but what came after. Allyson watched as Taiia spoke, revealing the truth, the nature of the relationship. Maybe Allyson had misread, misunderstood what she had seen. Her chest tightened, wondering if she had stayed long enough to say something… anything…

If all of this time apart had never occurred.

"Taiia…" Allyson hadn't said her name in years, but it flowed so easily.

She paused, wanting to fully understand everything that had happened while she was not here. Allyson was thankful for the man who stood in her place, was a companion for the woman she loved… gave her things Allyson never could. To know he cared, to understand that it was a comfortable life, Allyson couldn't harbor any feelings beyond envy for him.

Allyson wished that Taiia could have had love in her heart for him, so they could have had the marriage they shared without the chaos and instability. To know that it was almost convenient that they had stayed together hurt the Corellian.

But selfishly, to feel that the man couldn't compare to her… made her happy.

"You lived a good life despite everything. You have beautiful children, and you've made a home for yourself here." Allyson's smile softened, burdened with guilt and sadness of knowing that none of this would have happened if she had stayed.

"I couldn't have given you any of that… I was lacking all of the places where he excelled."

She nearly choked on her own words… "I'm happy you found him…"

Allyson was honest, but there was always something that ached to replace him. Allyson brought the hand that held hers close to her lips, and she kissed the woman's hand gently. As much as she wanted to pull this woman in closer, she didn't…

She didn't deserve the love Taiia still had for her.

"Why didn't you let me go…?"

 

[Taiia Mataan]

//: Allyson Locke //:​

Taiia listened quietly as Allyson spoke, her green eyes never leaving the Corellian's face. She saw the small smile, saw the guilt beneath it, saw the way Allyson tried to change her pain into something easier for Taiia to carry. It was such an old habit of hers, cutting pieces from herself before anyone else could touch the wound first. When Allyson spoke of the life Taiia had built, of her children, of the home around them, Taiia's expression softened further. There was truth in what Allyson said. Seris and Caelan were among the greatest joys of her life. The academy mattered to her deeply. The valley, the river, the students laughing somewhere beyond the walls, all of it was real and precious to her.

But so was the ache beneath Allyson's words. Taiia could hear it plainly. She could hear the part of Allyson that wished she had been the one standing here all those years ago. The part that still measured herself against a dead man and came away believing she had failed. The part that wanted Taiia happy and hated that happiness had not come from her. When Allyson kissed her hand again, Taiia's breath caught softly in her chest. For a moment, she looked at her, at the woman who still treated tenderness like something she had to borrow rather than something freely given.

Then, finally, Taiia moved, not quickly. Not enough to overwhelm. She stepped closer with the same care one might use approaching something wounded that wanted affection as desperately as it feared it. When she reached Allyson, her arms slipped gently around her, one resting across her back while the other came up slowly to cradle the back of her head.

The embrace was warm, steady, and patient. Home. Taiia closed her eyes briefly as she held her, feeling the years between them ache all at once. Whills, she had missed this. Missed her. Not the memory of her, not the bond at the edge of sleep, not glimpses in the Force or shadows by the river, but this. Allyson in her arms, real and breathing and no longer halfway across the galaxy.

"You do not need to convince me to be grateful for him," Taiia said softly after a few moments, her voice low against Allyson's hair. "I already am." Her hand moved gently through the Corellian's hair, slow and grounding. "He was kind to me. He gave me peace when I no longer knew how to ask for it. He loved my children, and he helped me build this place. I will always honor that."

Taiia drew back only slightly, just enough to look at Allyson without letting her go entirely. "But Min Larel…" Her thumb brushed lightly near Allyson's temple. "I do not think you are nearly as happy about it as you want to be." There was no accusation in the words, but only understanding. Taiia knew Allyson too well not to see what she was doing. "You are trying very hard to make your pain into something easier for me to carry, and you have been doing that for a very long time."

Taiia's gaze searched Allyson's face carefully, lovingly, as though reacquainting herself with every line the years had added. "You say he gave me things you could not. A quieter life than the one we shared." Her hand rested lightly over Allyson's heart, gentle enough that she could pull away if she wished. "But I was never searching for perfect, Allyson. I was never searching for easy."

A faint, sad smile touched her lips. "I wanted you even when you frightened me, even when you vanished. Even when loving you hurt so badly," Her fingers curled slightly against Allyson's chest, feeling the heartbeat beneath. "You were never lacking because you could not become someone else." The question finally came then, quiet and aching. Why didn't you let me go? Taiia's eyes closed briefly at the sound of it. When she answered, her voice was softer than before, stripped down to nothing except honesty. "Because some part of you never let me go either." She opened her eyes again and held Allyson's gaze, steady and warm.

"You kept coming back here. To the river. To the valley. To me." Her thumb brushed gently against Allyson's cheek once more. "You stood at the edge of my life for years, watching, grieving, loving me from a distance while telling yourself it was kinder not to stay." Taiia shook her head slightly, not in reproach, but sorrow. Her thumb brushed gently against Allyson's cheek once more, the touch warm and impossibly tender. "Some part of you always found its way back." Her arms tightened only slightly, enough to reassure, never enough to trap. Slowly, carefully, Taiia rested her forehead against Allyson's if she allowed it. "How was I supposed to let you go," she whispered, "when every part of my heart wanted you?"
​

 

[Allyson Locke]

//: Taiia Mataan //:

Allyson didn't move; she didn't shy away from the embrace. The desire for the embrace was felt as she melted into Taiia's arms, a broken wanderer finally returning home. This was home, Taiia had always been home. It only took her a moment, but the embrace was returned — Allyson not wanting to let go, but when the woman shifted, she released.

A part of her knew she didn't deserve this warmth or the love that the redhead still held for her. Bits of the Corellian wanted to erase it, to pull away and free Taiia to continue her life in whatever bliss she could find. But even then — that wasn't fair, it wasn't Allyson's place… and she knew it to make that choice.

Yet, it didn't stop Allyson from wanting to make that choice. Because Allyson thought… she knew better even when it was obvious she didn't.
Taiia's hand against her chest burned, the weight of her hand, the way her fingers curled around the worn fabric of her shirt. It was familiar, and Allyson selfishly wanted more. Instead of interrupting, Allyson listened.

The woman's words were nothing she hadn't heard before; too many times, the Corellian tried to run — only to be reminded why she stayed.
Why couldn't she stay when she needed to?

Taiia answered her question, the one that burned in her mind every day they were apart. Their eyes met, and as much as Allyson wanted to pull away, she couldn't. Taiia wasn't wrong. Allyson often thought about the woman, wondering where she was and what she was doing. Times when nothing felt right in the galaxy, her feet would carry her here, at Taiia's door, but never announce her presence.

She was a ghost.

But she had never forgotten, because she couldn't.

Allyson never let go; it was impossible.

It was easier to pretend that it was because she wanted Taiia happy, wanted to protect her, and to ensure that, even if she couldn't make her happy… Taiia was still happy.

But now, faced with the reality of the truth, Taiia's truth and her words.

Allyson couldn't hide… but she never could with Taiia.

Eyes stared, never blinking as her mind replayed every moment of the past years without Taiia, with Taiia… all of it. She searched the woman's face for any indication of something to stop her.

As Taiia finished, her head rested against Allyson's face. Her heart raced as her mind replayed just the last part, the last undeniable confession.

They were words that Allyson wanted to hear, needed to hear. It was the justification for every action that followed.

"You…" Allyson swallowed hard… "You've always had my heart… from the day we met… to the day I left you… and every day in between and after…"

Her breath shuddered as she stepped closer, her hands reaching to gently cup Taiia's face, running her thumbs gently across the woman's face.

"My thoughts were always with you, at my highest… my lowest, it was always you."

She was quiet, knowing this wouldn't make up for the time apart.

"I never stopped loving you and all this time apart… all it did was make me love you… want you more."

Allyson leaned forward, her lips brushing, pressing against Taiia's if she was allowed. A part of her expected the woman to pull away. It felt they had been dancing around this since Allyson had walked through the door. Soft and gentle confessions, the truth revealing itself, showing Allyson how wrong she was about everything she had seen.

She wanted to kiss her; she had always wanted to just hold her wife, cherish her in ways that only she could. Every day, Allyson's thoughts would drift… dreaming of the possibility of being able to return home…

 

[Taiia Mataan]

//: Allyson Locke //:​

Taiia felt Allyson melt into her arms, and for the first time since the door had opened, some quiet part of her finally began to relax. Not fully, but enough that she could feel the difference. Allyson was here, not standing at the edge of the valley, or leaving before dawn like some half-remembered dream. When Allyson returned the embrace, holding her with that same desperate tenderness Taiia remembered so well, the Eldorai closed her eyes briefly and simply let herself feel it.

Home.

Her fingers continued their slow path through the Corellian's hair, grounding both of them in the moment as Allyson spoke. Taiia listened to every word without interruption, her gaze steady and impossibly soft once their eyes met again. There was no victory in hearing the confession, no satisfaction in finally pulling the truth from her. Only relief. Relief that Allyson had stopped trying to bury herself beneath what she thought Taiia needed to hear.

"You…" Allyson swallowed hard… "You've always had my heart…"

Taiia's breath caught quietly at the words. Whills, after all these years, they could still undo her so easily. She did not look away as Allyson stepped closer, did not flinch from the hands cupping her face so carefully, as though Taiia herself might disappear if held too tightly. The touch sent old memories rushing back all at once; nights spent tangled together beneath dim lights, whispered promises made in exhaustion and certainty. The feeling of Allyson reaching for her in sleep as though even unconsciousness could not bear distance from her for long.

"My thoughts were always with you…"

Taiia leaned into the touch before she even realized she was doing it, her own hands settling at Allyson's waist, holding her with quiet certainty now. There was grief in her still, and hurt, and years neither of them could reclaim, but beneath all of it, something older remained untouched.

Love.

Steady and enduring, when Allyson admitted she had never stopped loving her, that the years apart had only made her want her more, Taiia's eyes closed for the briefest moment. Not because the words wounded her, but because they healed something she had stopped admitting was broken. Then Allyson kissed her. Softly at first, hesitant enough that Taiia could feel the fear beneath it, the expectation that she might pull away even now. Her breath trembled faintly as their lips met, and for a moment, the years between them seemed to fall away. The kiss was gentle and almost unbearably tender. Taiia answered it without hesitation, one hand sliding slowly upward from Allyson's waist to rest against her neck, her thumb brushing softly along her jaw as she deepened the kiss just enough to make it clear she wanted this.

She wanted her.

When they finally parted, Taiia remained close enough that their foreheads still nearly touched. Her eyes stayed closed for a moment longer, her breath unsteady in a way Allyson had rarely seen from her. When she finally opened them again, moisture had gathered at the corners, a few quiet tears she had not bothered to hide. For all the years Allyson had known her, Taiia had never been ashamed of feeling deeply. Her hand remained against the side of Allyson's face, thumb brushing softly beneath her cheekbone as though reassuring herself she was truly there.

"You have no idea how long I have wanted to hear you say that," Taiia whispered. Her voice trembled faintly near the end, "I told myself so many times that I should let you become a memory. That eventually the bond would quiet, that one day I would stop turning toward every feeling of you in the Force." A small breath escaped her, something between a laugh and grief. "But every time I tried, I could not convince myself of such a foolish lie. My heart still waited."

Another tear slipped free then, warm against her skin, though her expression remained soft. "And now you are here." Taiia looked at her as though she still could not fully comprehend the reality of it. Not the kiss, not the confession, not Allyson standing in her home with her hands cradling Taiia's face like something precious. Slowly, Taiia lifted one of Allyson's hands from her cheek and pressed a gentle kiss into her palm, the same tenderness Allyson had shown her only moments before. "You do not need to dream about coming home anymore, Min Larel," she said quietly. Then she guided Allyson's hand against her chest, over the ring, the tags, and the steady beat of her heart beneath silver robes and warm skin."You are here, you always have been."

​

 

[Allyson Locke]

//: Taiia Mataan //:

Several of Allyson's doubts faded the moment she felt Taiia return the kiss. To feel the words she spoke, the Corellian felt grounded, allowing her to understand the turbulence of the emotions. To have loved for this long, yet be without, was devastating. She had thought she was doing Taiia a favor by staying away. To avoid hurting her more, Allyson remained a lingering ghost in Taiia's past. Still, it seemed to have only made things more painful.

That guilt would never fade. Allyson knew she had messed up.

Allyson felt the warmth as she felt the dog tags, her first proposal, a personal gift, as she expressed every emotion she felt. Knowing that Taiia still wore them, still cherished them since that day. Everything was there for Allyson.

Taiia had promised to always love her, to stay, to be at her side...

Her words and her tears only emphasized the error in the Corellian's judgment. She let her mind wander how different it would have been if she had just come home, if after those first few nights… when regret weighed heavily in her heart. All she had to do was come back, apologize, and let herself just love.

"Shh," Allyson whispered as she kissed away the tears that stained Taiia's face as she finished speaking.

"Sel ne kri Min Larel, min min bey tehn. Min min bey ne iri ie." Her words were quiet, tender in a way that no one else had ever experienced from the Corellian.

Allyson wanted to believe the words, but she knew something would eventually call her away. What that something was, she wasn't sure either. The things the Corellian eventually involved herself in were a spiral, a never-ending sinking floor that pulled more at her. Deals… bargains with the devil and more had trapped her. Betrayals from former comrades were just another day for her.

How could she even bring that home? How could she even explain to Taiia the mess she had gotten herself into?

How could she promise to stay?

Regret settled into the back of her mind. Allyson didn't have to be selfish and pull Taiia back into this, into remembering how much they loved each other. She deserved better than this… than what we had… A continuous thought in the Corellian's mind as she held the woman that she had loved for most of her lifetime.

Taiia deserved happiness, Allyson did not.

Maybe the Allyson that Taiia had first fallen in love with — perhaps then Allyson deserved the happiness that Taiia provided?

Her thoughts began to betray her; instead, she wrapped her arms tightly around Taiia, pulling her close and inhaling the delicate, comforting scent that belonged only to her. Closing her eyes, Allyson could remember the evenings coming home after nearly getting herself killed. She would pull Taiia into her arms, just to feel something… alive? Loved?

A selfish curiosity lingered, why would Taiia hold on when she could find someone else… even after her husband to keep her happy?

Allyson settled, letting herself have this moment to relish in the closeness of the woman, to feel that love once more, a love she didn't deserve. A hand rested gently on the back of Taiia's neck, her fingers threading gently through the mess of red hair she had often dreamed of.

Her face buried into the side of the woman's neck, taking her in, memorizing this feeling once more. She sighed before kissing the tender spot beneath the woman's ear. Her lips tender, grazing along her lover's jaw, down her neck, settling after a moment. Her hold squeezed with an honest desperation.

"Why do you want this? Why would you still want me?" her words muffled warmly against the tender curve of the Eldorai's neck. As she spoke again, the embrace softened, hands moving along the fabric of the silver robes.

"I'm not good… sed min min bey eloisha, min min volgoth valle al bey min... ree Il ree..."

 

[Taiia Mataan]

//: Allyson Locke //:​

Taiia softened immediately at the quiet shushing, at the careful kisses brushing away the tears she had never tried to hide from Allyson. Her eyes closed briefly as the Corellian spoke to her in that same tender voice that had once belonged only to the two of them, the language flowing between them with an intimacy no amount of years apart had managed to dull. Whills, she had missed this. Not only the closeness, but the softness Allyson kept hidden from the rest of the galaxy.

Her arms remained around Allyson as the embrace tightened, and Taiia leaned into it willingly. She knew this version of Allyson well, the one who held too tightly because some part of her feared the moment would vanish if she loosened her grip. There had been nights long ago where Allyson had returned exhausted and wounded by things she would never fully speak aloud, only to hold Taiia in exactly this same desperate silence afterward, grounding herself in the simple truth that something gentle still existed in the galaxy.

Taiia's fingers slipped slowly through the dark strands of Allyson's hair as she rested against her, letting the Corellian bury herself against her neck. The familiar weight of her in her arms made something deep inside Taiia ache with relief. For so many years, she had imagined what this might feel like if it ever happened again, and reality was somehow softer than memory had allowed her to hope.

Then the question came. Why do you want this? Why would you still want me? Taiia's eyes opened slowly at the words, and for a moment she simply held her closer. Enough that Allyson could feel there was no hesitation in her. "Do you think love is something to be earned? It is something given freely, by choice without merit," she whispered. There was no frustration in the words, only sadness that Allyson had carried that belief for so long.

"You look at yourself and see all the reasons someone should leave." Taiia turned her head slightly, pressing a soft kiss onto Allyson's temple before resting there again. "But Min Larel, I have known those parts of you almost from the beginning." Her hand continued its slow path through Allyson's hair, patient and grounding.

"I knew you carried too much on your shoulders. I knew there were parts of you that would always try to disappear when the pain became too heavy." A faint sadness entered her voice, though it never lost its warmth. "And still, every time you walked into a room, something in me reached for you." Taiia drew back just enough to look at her again, her green eyes still wet with quiet tears. There was no fantasy in her gaze, no illusion that love had erased the years between them or undone the hurt they had caused each other. Only certainty.

"I do not want some perfect version of you that never existed," she said quietly. "I want you. The woman standing in my arms right now." Her hand slid from the back of Allyson's neck to her cheek once more, cradling it with tenderness. "The woman who kept finding her way back here, even when she believed she should stay gone. The woman who still looks at me like I am something precious after all this time." A fragile smile touched her lips then, softened by tears and years alike. "The woman who kept trying to protect me, even from herself."

​

 

[Allyson Locke]

//: Taiia Mataan //:
//: Attire //:

Allyson wanted to argue, to defend her choices and explain why she was right. Instead, she wondered why she did what she did. Why did she feel that pushing everything and everyone away made sense? Taiia had been one of the few happy points in her life. She had helped Allyson find friends, someone to trust and cherish, and a future. There were dreams that she had never allowed herself to dream when Taiia had been at her side.

For the first time, she wanted a family, a home, and a life beyond her work. Walking away from all of it was an easy thought, knowing what waited for her. But then she realized what her work entailed, how many people she had ruined to complete a mission.

But Taiia wasn't weak… she never was.

Maybe it was pride after all.

"I never wanted you to see me like that, beaten till I was nearly dead."

She murmured, her hands falling to Taiia's hips as her face was cradled gently. "As much as you tried to be strong… for both of us, I saw it breaking you. I couldn't watch myself destroy both of us."

Taiia was right: Love was something that couldn't be controlled; it was something that was felt and given freely, despite maybe not being good for us. She felt it now, knowing that she shouldn't be here. Taiia could have lived her life in peace, but now everything was uprooted by the Corellian.

"If you knew everything that came with me, why would you let yourself love me so freely? There were so many better people out there, even in the Confederacy…"

Allyson let her gaze fall, but she knew the answer to her own statement. Taiia had often said it, even now. Perfection was not wanted; she didn't want easy or peaceful, whatever it was about Allyson — she was drawn to it.

The same went for Taiia. Something in the woman always drew her back, when her life spiraled out of control, walking the edge of the river, catching even the faintest breath of her perfume on the breeze. It corrected Allyson's course.
A soft sigh as she let herself feel, allowing Taiia to hold her and keep her for this moment.

"I always came back, even if I knew I couldn't exist at your side — just being around you was enough." She looked away again; honesty was hard for the woman whose own survival often depended on a well-crafted lie.

"I—I often watched you with the children… I often left wondering..." She hated this vulnerability; she hated admitting how often she was here and how often Taiia crossed her mind.

It was too open, leaving her so exposed.

"I daydreamed that I had never left and we had the family we talked about… planned for." She couldn't look at her. Allyson couldn't watch the pain etch Taiia's face, reminding her of the things they had talked about and wanted to share with each other.

"Protecting you from the galaxy, from myself was the only thing I could do to show you I cared… that I loved you more deeply than I could anything else."

Allyson started to pull away, but instinct held on, her fingers curled, holding onto the fabric of the woman's robe tightly for dear life.

"You are precious, you are precious to me. If something ever happened to you… And I couldn't stop it. I could never forgive myself." She finally looked at Taiia, years of torment and anguish, regret of walking away from the one thing…

"You were my happiness in this galaxy, Taiia. I'm tired of chasing it, I'm tired of running from it… from you."

She paused, her body relaxing again, yet her grip on the woman's hips remained tight. Allyson had memorized every part of her wife, every breath, every curve. Her mind was filled with memories of how the breeze would move her hair, and of how she would close her eyes just to feel the warmth of the sun.

"You haunt every aspect of my life, I tried. I tried to move on to stop loving you as deeply as I do to protect you. I can't." Her voice shook, frustratingly so.

"I'm here. I want you, I want all of you. And you want me too…" She leaned closer, once more the heat of her breath caressing the shell of the elven woman's ear.

"Tia las mi monhr valle, ne de paroll, sed de chiu pec de mi tio senmova aparhen al valle, Min Larel."