Feedback This One Comes With Instructions!

[Auteme]

Don't click the spoiler (not yet, at least). That comes later.

I've asked for feedback a few times, and as much as enjoy the story ideas (and validation that my writing is not trash) I want to get more into the nitty-gritty of writing. While I do enjoy writing on Chaos I also want to improve my writing overall so I can transfer my skills.

So, here are your instructions:
1. Take a look at the posts I've linked below (or some of my other recent content) -- one of them, some of them, all of them, your pick. You don't even need to read the whole thread. Read what you want, but read well.
2. When you're done, come back here and write down your immediate impression of it.
3. Ask yourself: Is the manner in which the character takes their actions clear? Write down that answer in your post -- examples are welcome.
4. Feel free to reread if you want to look more closely.
5. Now you can open the spoiler.
6. Post that feedback.

Threads:
Blackout - Auteme
Justice Prevails - Auteme
Next Generation - Auteme
Darkness Falls - Dorian

Spoiler

This is something I've been focused on for a while now, ever since I read Stephen King's memoir On Writing (which I highly recommend, even if you're not interested in improving your writing) over the summer. One of the things he advises is avoiding the use of adverbs. The writing and sense of the character should ensure that the reader can visualize how the character does a specific action -- for example, Auteme opens doors gently, as to not disturb anyone or damage the door.

I don't think I've been perfect at avoiding use of adverbs (I like to punctuate thoughts with an "honestly", "really", "probably", or the like when I want to place emphasis, and some adverbs I use aren't obvious) but I do want to improve the clarity of my writing. Efficiency is key. While my writing on Chaos won't have the same character perspective/reader relationship as a book might, it's good practice -- plus, misinterpretation is the bane of all roleplay.

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read my stuff and provide feedback!

 

[Grrwunhoooll Agaburry]

Dorian’s actions are clear cut, short and to the point. In fact in that post I felt as if it could’ve been split into two as if he wrote too much.

Other than that for the first portion when Dorian was talking about the green chick I did feel a bit nervous reading his nervousness. Its good

 

[Atlas Kane]

Re: Blackout
I dig it overall. A little clunky with the thought-posting (though that might just be a pet-peeve of mine), but solid.

Re: Justice Prevails
Solid. It lacks a bit in descriptive detail, though, specifically who's there, where they are, and what they're doing, which made it confusing at first.

Re: Next Generation
I really liked the brief bit of science tossed in, very neat little character moment, same goes for the dialogue at the end. Imo, it's too heavy on thought-posting/exposition and too light on description.

Re: Darkness Falls
Saved the best for last, eh? I really liked this stuff. The initial part was chef's kiss, that anxiety was palpable (regardless of the lyrics in the middle of the prose sin), and the description throughout the action (second half) was consistent and solid. Going a bit more in-depth with the fall to give it a better pay-off for the "I'm going too fast"-set up might have been nice, but I can chalk that up to my anti-thought-posting bias.


Overall the posts always had a lot of clarity when it came to the character's actions, it was easy enough to visualize what they were doing for the most part (Justice prevails lacked that clarity a little, as it's unclear what exactly a Jedi's day-to-day work would be like, so a bit of detail would have been nice, but overall it was easy to follow).

At times a lot of the external details were missing, which caused a bit of confusion. I rarely got a good sense of what the character's surroundings were like beyond the most bare-bones basics. Extensive detail isn't necessary, but a small throw-way line about the environment would have been nice in a post like Blackout, where the labyrinthine Undercity is established only half-way through the post. The immediate environment gets some description, but for a reader unfamiliar with Metellos it's hard to connect the alley to any proper location. Or, in Next Generation, the lack of description on the temple makes the reaction at the post's end fairly ambiguous, as the reader doesn't really get a sense for a specific quality the temple possesses which elicits that reaction.

In terms of technical skill, the posts are always really good. I feel like I should emphasize because it seems like I'm being super critical, but I'm just trying to be as clear on my points of confusion as possible, the writing is always really good. Actions are practically never unnecessarily drawn-out, over-described, clunky, or ambiguous. The prose is clean and clear, a small tendency towards thought-posting/exposition, but I feel like some of that's my own bias. Getting through the posts is never a chore and I rarely need to do double-takes. In short: 's really good, keep at it.

 

[Aurelion Nova]

Overall, I think the previous statements touch on very key aspects of writing that could use improvement and/or adjustment. I'm no professional author and, on some level, taste in writing is much like taste in food. As such, take this as worth as much salt as you think it is. (Also for those Auteme affection points. <.<)

1. The first and foremost I think is the lack of external detail to the surrounding environment. While Auteme herself, physically, is a very clear-painted picture and her actions are easy to visualize when I see her in my mind's eye I see her as the only 'moving' color and life in the midst of a painting. Like the artist painted the subject and their immediate, pressing surroundings, but the rest of painting; the landscape and locale, the edge of the picture, are left stark white and only begin to 'exist' from the subject's interaction. Ultimately I think this is something that is very easy to rectify and completely within your ability as a writer to address without exceeding into excess.

2. The second thing I notice, or to be more specific, something I think would be of use would be to suggest perhaps showcasing Auteme's thought-process in "real time" as the scene progresses. Rather than an abstract or narrated extension of the general storytelling dive into what she herself is thinking in the most explicit, precise terms. Whether it is just altering the presentation of her reflection on past thoughts or events, or trying to give her new thoughts a different 'flow' altogether.

All-in-All you do very well in making Auteme herself, as the subject of the story, feel very active when it comes to her physical tone and relation to the scene around her. I do, personally, enjoy your writing and still plan/hope to write with you again sometime soon-ish. Until then, stay wonderful Auteme. ^_^