For the briefest moment, I said nothing. My expression did not change. Years spent in government had taught me that much, at least. A person did not always need to agree with someone in order to smile politely and consider their words. Still, something within me recoiled.
A laboratory is sterile. I had not meant to suggest that Vandemar was merely another experiment. Nor had I believed that its people were instruments to be arranged according to some carefully designed equation. Yet I had apparently failed to express what I meant.
Again. The thought arrived with considerably more force than I allowed myself to show.
My hands remained loosely folded before me as I listened to the rest of his assessment. Focus on allies rather than logistics. Do not reinvent what New Cov had already built. The longer I waited, the greater the risk of opposition discovering what I intended. They were reasonable observations. Entirely reasonable. That was perhaps what made them so difficult to dismiss.
My eyes wandered briefly across the gathering. Men and women spoke quietly beneath the chandeliers, some dressed in the formal attire expected of such an occasion while others wore simpler clothing that suggested lives spent somewhere far beyond polished halls and political ceremonies. Vandemar's purpose, Aurelian had said, was not assigned to it's people. It was chosen. I wondered when I had last felt so certain of my own.
"You are correct," I said quietly. The words came more easily than I expected. "If New Cov is liberated, it's people will not require me to teach them how to live there." A faint smile touched my lips, though there was little humor behind it. "They have managed considerably longer without my assistance than with it. They understand the forests. The domes. The infrastructure. There are engineers, agricultural specialists, physicians, administrators..." I paused. "...and people who have remained there throughout the occupation." People who had not run. That thought came uninvited. I continued before it could linger too long. "I suppose that I have been trying to account for every possible failure before allowing myself to proceed."
My fingers gently tightened together. "In science, that is usually considered responsible. You test a hypothesis. You identify the risks. You prepare for unexpected outcomes." I looked toward him again. "But liberation is not an experiment." Nor could I control it like one.
For a moment, I fell silent. His warning regarding a counter-coalition settled more heavily than I expected. I had already considered the possibility, of course. Any attempt to remove the occupying government would eventually attract attention. Perhaps that was why I had been so determined to gather support quietly. Carefully. Slowly. Perhaps too slowly.
"It's been a few years," I said at last. My voice had softened. "A few years since the occupation began." For the first time, there was something more personal beneath my words. "New Cov has regained it's independence before. We did not require a coalition of outside powers then." My gaze remained upon him, though I seemed to be looking through him for a moment. "Perhaps I have been approaching this incorrectly." The thought frightened me more than I cared to admit. Perhaps the answer had never been to stand at the edge of the galaxy collecting promises from governors and nobles. Perhaps I should have gone home.
I swallowed quietly. "I am not a soldier, Mister Aurelian. I have never been a rebel fighter. I wouldn't know how to command an army if someone placed one directly in front of me." A faint, self-deprecating smile appeared. "My usefulness has always been elsewhere." In a laboratory. Behind a microscope. Far away from people who could be disappointed in me.
My eyes briefly fell toward the floor. "There is an Underground movement on New Cov." I had rarely spoken about it openly. Even now, I chose my words with care. "People who stayed behind. People who have continued resisting in whatever ways they can." People who were still fighting while I had spent years elsewhere.
A subtle tension entered my shoulders. "Perhaps I should return." The words were quiet enough that they might almost have been meant only for myself. The thought had lived inside me for years. It returned every time I spoke of liberation. Every time I met someone willing to discuss helping New Cov. Every time I imagined the domes beneath foreign control.
Go home.
My expression remained composed, but something uncertain flickered behind my eyes. "I have wanted to return since the day I left." That much was true. "But wanting to return and knowing that I should are not necessarily the same thing." My fingers loosened again. "I left because I believed that I could do more for New Cov from the outside. That I could find support. Resources. Perhaps even allies willing to help us reclaim what we lost. And yet the longer I remain away, the more I find myself wondering whether I am simply afraid to go back." There it was. And it was not an admission that I had intended to make.
I lowered my voice. "I was responsible for the access codes. I trusted the wrong people with them." The shame was old. Familiar. It had simply learned to hide beneath more practical concerns. "When the occupation began..." I paused briefly. "...I was already gone. But that does not make the consequences feel any less mine." For a moment, the sounds of the gathering seemed very far away. "I have spent these past few years trying to make certain that when I finally helped New Cov reclaim it's independence, that I would not fail it again." My eyes lifted slowly to his. "Perhaps that is why I have been planning for every contingency. Why I keep seeking another ally. And then another. Because if I can make the plan sufficiently perfect, perhaps I can convince myself that I deserve to go home."
I allowed the silence to settle between us. Then I inclined my head slightly. "Your warning is heard, Mister Aurelian. If waiting carries it's own danger, then I will have to reconsider what I have been waiting for."
My gaze wandered briefly toward the distant windows. Perhaps I did not need to find every answer before returning home. Perhaps New Cov already had people with answers. Perhaps what I feared most was discovering that they no longer needed me at all.
I looked back toward him. "Perhaps it is time that I stop asking the galaxy to help with what New Cov needs..." My voice softened, "...and go home to ask New Cov." Whether it leads to my arrest or not.
Tag:
Aurelian of Vandemar