Self-Revelation [Solo Thread]

[Kana Truden]

She had travelled to Hoth of all places on this ‘exile’ of hers. Though to call it an exile felt strange, if anything Kana had simply left the temple one day without uttering much of a word. She had left a small note in her quarters for those who cared enough, but that was about it.

The occasional snowflake whipped her cheek as she stared out at the blizzard raging on. She had to admit that when Captain Gideon handed her the co-ordinates she half-expected the jedi safehouse to be a joke or non-existent yet here she was and the place was huge. At least bigger than she had expected. Kana held her hand up to shield her face as she made way for the railing around the landing platform.

Her robe quickly gathered a thin layer of snow as flake after flake was thrust upon it. Visibility lowered significantly for each step and she could understand why the jedi had chosen to place a safehouse at this very location. A sigh of relief later and she turned around to enter the safehouse again. It was a good spot to think things over. That was why she had left in the first place, wasn’t it? To really think on things. A bout of Sith Poisoning seemed to have it’s way to make you do that one way or the other. The rehabilitation and purging was finished. Come to think of it Kana had left pretty much the minute it was done.

It was a bit strange, she knew that much but at the same time she had given this idea thought for a long time. Thoughts were in abundance and she wanted to iron most of them out before allowing herself to go home to Ossus again. In the shuttle were supplies for a month, in her mind was thoughts for years.

Throwing a second glance around the place she nodded slowly as she observed the state of the place. It was clean, almost a bit too clean but Kana brushed it off as something the force had caused. Though the reality soon made itself known as the maintenance droids came to inspect the ship that had landed before proceeding to swipe away at the floor in order to keep the entrace clean.

With a smile of delight she set her mind on exploring the safehouse. This place would be just fine for what she was about to do.

 

[Kana Truden]

Two weeks came to pass. What she had called huge had become small but at this point the ‘Hoth Sanctuary’ as she named it for herself had still managed to become something she was willing to call home. The fact that she was a lone person in a place for fifty felt a bit odd at first but the more time she spent in solitude the more she started to enjoy it. Maybe it was just one of those parts of herself that she would never really lose. Not that she wanted to, being alone by choice was not the same as being alone due to a lack of said choice.

She kept her legs crossed and mind at peace as they had been so many times the last few days. The fresh air was great. Ossus had fresh air too but there is a difference between warm and cold air that simply spoke a lot in favor of cold temperatures. Occasionally a cold breeze would travel down the hallway and cause her body to tremble for a few seconds to let her know she was still alive.

The quiet meditation had begun already. Why was she truly here? Who did she see herself being and what was her dreams? The thoughts of a woman who was unsure of herself streamed neatly through her mind yet for the first in a long time she could truly spend some time thinking on these things.

Now, who did Kana actually see herself as? A Jedi Sentinel, or was it? Was that truly who she wanted to be or was it something she told herself she was because it involved the abilities she had before the Jedi Order? The answer would be obvious if she followed her heart rather than her mind as her mind spoke of the ease she’d have becoming a sentinel.

Not long ago her dream had been to become a Jedi Watchman, yet when Master Alince had demonstrated the basics to healing a wound with the force that had quickly changed. She had repeated the lesson endlessly ever since, or at least tried to. She was no fool. Healing small needle pricks and getting rid of splinters through the force was not the same as actual wounds yet she had started to wonder what life as a jedi healer was like. In the end she had always brushed it aside. ‘Stick to the stuff you know’ she kept telling herself, but what if what she knew wasn’t in line with what she wanted?

A Jedi Healer, now that was Consular business. Had things been different then maybe that’s where she’d be but for now a Sentinel seemed like the right thing for her, or at least so she kept on telling herself. Looking at her hand where the poison had struck from Balaya’s blade Kana couldn’t help frowning. A healer would never be that careless yet carelessness had become Kana's calling card it would seem. No matter what she did she always did the wrong and outright dumb moves. She taunted sith lords and practically walked into poisoned blades. In fact, she had managed to do everything wrong yet end up so right, but how?

She put the thoughts aside with the shake of her head. There had been enough thinking for the day. She would return to these thoughts later. Right now it was time to practice what little healing she knew, for the sake of it.

 

[Kana Truden]

It was another three weeks later and even Kana had to admit that loneliness was a factor she hadn’t accounted for. Droids were great but they added a certain hint of depression when all they could talk of was how clean the floor was and how much they enjoyed their servitude, in binary.

The last few weeks she had started practicing Shii-Cho again. Maybe it was a desperate wish to become a padawan again, or maybe it was just her mind crying out for [member="Corvus Raaf"]. The latter felt more likely. Besides the fact that it was she who had taught Kana the form it was also her greatest friend yet not even she had gotten word first-hand of this ‘exile’. Maybe it was because of Gideon’s wish to keep the safehouse a secret, or maybe it was because she might have talked Kana out of it.

It was the most important person to Kana. The one person she wished to be and looked up to, compared herself to and always felt lesser than. That was how it had always been. Kana had always stood behind the scenes for her friend. Always admiring her strength and always being there when just one person’s strength wasn’t been enough.

She knew what the others thought, the awkward and false assumption of what was between her and Corvus. It may not seem like it at times but Kana took her place in the jedi seriously. The only tenet she broke on purpose was the one about attachments and even then it wasn’t in the way most people seemed to imagine. She had found in Corvus what she hadn’t found anywhere else, not even in her own family. A sister and friend, someone who was there for her always and who provided support when necessary. Try as she might this person had become a part of who she was. If she let that go Kana could just as well just let herself go mentally.

Though in a sense maybe that was exactly what she needed to do. Their closeness had certainly brought it’s dangers and close calls with the wrong side of the force. The senator on Anaxes and the recovery progress for it, Zeltros and Balaya. A lot of the stupid things she had done had been because of her friend and at times it felt mutual. Perhaps letting go - even if just for a bit - would be for the best? Loosen the grip a bit to a stage where it doesn’t lead to a emotional rollercoaster of trouble.

Besides, what would Kana have done if Corvus had died or disappeared? The thought made her feel like a hypocrite yet it was a good thought and one Kana often worried herself about. Would she too disappear? Would it be enough to make Kana lose her way? There would certainly be emotions involve if it happened, but which and to what level?

Kana shook her head. The mere thought of it all made her fear and shudder. Perhaps that was as good of a sign as any that it was time to let loose. She had tried before but never really gotten anywhere with it. She suspected the next attempt would prove as equally fruitless but if there was one thing she’d never stop doing it’d be to try. She owed them both that much.

 

[Kana Truden]

Something from her previous two weeks had triggered nightmares. She didn’t know why but at night it had become impossible to sleep as her mind ventured back to before the Order. The silent hum of her solitary existence felt like a mirror. It was just her. The girl and the robots, the inseparable trio. Except they had taken the role of workers and Kana was the one sitting around doing nothing.

The nightmares were all the same dream being repeated night after night. The same emotional echoes of worthlessness and the cries for attention. The looks and scoffs, the parties and the girl in the spaceship. It all ended the same way; with the snapping of shinbones. Kana’s shinbone, and even if it only lasted for a second she could feel the crippling pain it caused every single time.

She gave her leg a glance before she took her boot off. The benefits of having a robotic leg was the lack of feeling in it and the non-existent risk for frostbite. If anything the cold was working wonders for her leg. She opened a small hatch and gave the servos a look over. Their screeches seemed quiet which was odd. She rotated her foot in as much of a full-axis rotation as she could before closing the hatch again. At least it would seem her leg was happy for the first time in forever.

She always did wonder what would happened if she hadn’t left Coruscant or Alderaan. Would she still have been Kana or would the Sith have found her instead? She had thought on it a lot. It always did feel like luck that the Jedi found her when they did but at this point she had come to accept the fact that there was no such thing as luck when the force was involved. Admitting Corvus’ preachings had been right all along made the ‘exile’ all the more unbearable but she still saw no good reason to return home.

She got up from the ground and wandered around the halls of the safehouse. She had to. The chilly Hoth breezes were enough to force her into constant movement unless covered in warm clothes or blankets. A quick look outside would reveal the snow-covered shuttle she had arrived in. The robots had a hard time keeping it off but somehow they managed. She stepped outside into the snowfall. Last week’s blizzard had finally quieted down, at least as much as one could expect from Hoth.

With a small sigh she re-entered her own little private sanctuary. It was time to practice leaping again, or falling rather. She still couldn’t get the landings right.

 

[Kana Truden]

The following five weeks passed by like hot water on ice. The nightmares came to a stop and as something inside of Kana faded. The loneliness had become a lot more bearable and the solitary walks around the hallways all the more bearable and the occasional muttered conversation with herself felt like the greatest comfort ever.

“You let sith go.” A barely audible whisper yet it echoed down the corridors. “You’re one hell of a jedi, Kana.”

Her footsteps clicked through the chambers as she step for step kept the cold away. Keeping a brisk pace proved difficult after finishing a particularly rigorous Soresu session but the sweet embrace of her bed was calling soon enough. Wearing herself out completely was a good way to ensure sleep. It usually was, or maybe it was because her mind had finally started to feel at peace.

A lot of the things she had set out to think on was starting to make sense. Why she was where she was and not in a grave on Alderaan, or worse. Some would draw it up as ‘the force’ but she felt hesitation at such a statement. Your past is what defines you, of that she was certain. If the force was the one who defined her then it had a very peculiar palette and canvas.

To think the force had defined her during adolescence seemed like the biggest of jokes, a comedy and drama in itself. She owed her life to the Order and as far as she was concerned she was still repaying the debt. Not that she would ever finish that. A life debt and sworn allegiance was not something she’d ever break. She didn’t work like that and those around her knew that.

A pull at the covers and a quick sneak-in was all necessary for the sweet and warm embrace of the dozen blankets to kick in. For once she had managed to find at least a hint of happiness that let her simply feel content about life. Maybe there was a first for everything after all. Now all she needed to do was settle the big thoughts and she’d be able to return home.

Yet home was weeks away, at least.

 

[Kana Truden]

There she was. Seventeen weeks had passed as a total and things had taken a turn around from where they started. Her mind raced back to when she had first set foot on Hoth and the few weeks that had passed. How she kept telling herself even then that the sentinel lifestyle was for her. That the jedi healer life wasn’t for her, but why wouldn’t it?

She had thought on it for long. Why should there be something binding her into something she does not want? There weren’t many healers in the order, in fact they were almost all gone. The chances of her learning something seemed minimal but if she could find someone, anyone, then she would bring life into a part of the Order that in her opinion needed more life to it. Even if that sounded a bit ironic to say the least.

It was decided. Once Kana returned it would be with a purpose. To stop lying to herself and follow her heart. It was for the good of the Order in the end, or at least so she told herself. She sat down in the meditation chamber once more. Needle in hand she placed the edge in her palm. A prick into the palm of her hand followed by a few other. Truly she should probably move on to other methods but for now she was perfectly content with what she knew.

Besides, she had no ideas on how to move forward with this anyway.

Today was surprisingly short.

 

[Kana Truden]

Kana had seen a lot over the few years she had been at the Order. Things beyond her wildest imagination. Three years into her time in the order, twenty-two weeks into her exile and she was still amazed by the things the force could do. She had gone twenty-two years without knowing it and three years studying it. There were several reasons for Kana to be excited at it but at least she took her time with the force. Though with her newfound goals and dreams she had already set herself down a path of limiting herself.

It may be against the code or in general very stupid but when it came to healing Kana had already made her mind. She would focus herself on force healing and everything else became tertiary. Healing, saber practice, everything else - a new way of living. Her mind couldn’t help wondering what Corvus would say when she told her that sabers no longer would take up the majority of her time anymore, that Kana was willing to put it on a lower shelf in order to master the healing arts instead.

She chuckled lightly at the thought and got up from the floor. Time in isolation had gotten to her and ‘stir crazy’ could most likely be used to describe her current condition. Everything around these halls had become home, the ‘same old’ that Ossus had been. Yet in here there were no people to talk to. Her mind still cried out for her best friend. At least occasionally it did, the need for socialization had sunk drastically as the crazed muttering of a woman in solitude increased. Boredom was a constant factor but she took it as a patience exercise, or rather, that’s what her mind told her.

Day after day, night after night her schedule had consisted of eating, sleeping and practice. She had spent just about five months so far in training. Makashi for sabers, leaping for the force as well as the occasional poke of a needle for wounds to cure. Her life had become a drab, colorless string of routine yet somewhere deep down Kana had come to enjoy it.

Maybe she was turning into one of those jedi. The kinds that just sat around in meditation all day? Was that the next step down her path? Kana shook her head. She could certainly feel something changing but the questions still remained: What, and how?

 

[Kana Truden]

Twenty-five weeks had passed. Kana had been gone for twenty-five weeks and at times she wondered what for. Her image of where she wanted to be and who was clearer but what else had changed? She was still overly attached to her friend and she refused to let that go. She said she’d try but deep down even Kana knew that she would not manage that. Though maybe it wasn’t supposed to be about that either. Maybe all she had to do was to come with terms about it. Attachments were bad, sure, but not as bad as being attached to nothing. To have that one thing you always knew you could hold onto could do more than bring happiness, it could bring purpose too.

Kana had always had a thing for attachment even before the order. People that were nice to her, those who seemingly treated her as if she existed would get her affections easily. She had been used and abused many times by those whom she had thought of as her friends. Too blind to see their true intentions she had forgiven them all in the end out of desperation. Anything to trick herself into that false belief that someone would be there for her always. In a sense it was ironic that she would find someone like that shortly after her vow of celibacy at the Order. That once love and attachments were supposed to be a thing of the past she finally managed to find someone that truly cared. She loved this person, not romantically but for who they had become, as a sister. Something she had not had or dreamed off having since before the Order.

Her mind ventured back to the Electronics Store on Alderaan. There were still times when she missed civilian life, sure, but she had a greater purpose now. To fight the darkness and serve as a beacon. Her mission was never going to see itself fulfilled but life as jedi as she saw it never were about the total extinction of the Dark Side. The code might have stated that it was but one of the universal truths was that light and darkness was constant and ever changing. To merely hold it off, make sure nobody followed the darkness, now that was what Kana saw as her duty. For even in the darkest of nights shines a candle bright.

The darkness could win, engulf the galaxy in pain and suffering yet even then that wouldn’t be everlasting. People would always stand up against tyranny. Put one rebel's candle out and you light two other. Kana had no idea when she had become an optimist but it was thoughts such as these that gave her hope.

With a smile on her lips she strutted down the lonesome corridors. She had a feeling that soon, very soon, she would be allowing herself to return home.

 

[Kana Truden]

Six weeks later and she was still not home. A thought ran rampant through her mind, an idea. This one simple notion that seemed as good to think on as any. What was it that separated Kana from the others? Somewhere along the line she had become a padawan, after that she had become a knight. Her time with the jedi had changed her plenty yet there was one thing she had managed to keep fragments of all the way through it: Her old personality.

People change for the better or worse. Jedi tend to tie up their emotions in an effort to not let them influence the important decisions and Kana wasn’t any real exception. Just like those around her she tried to tie the emotions up but after having spent years outside the order it always proved difficult. Her faith in the force wasn’t the greatest. Decisions were still made by men and women, the consequences of actions were all spurned from consequences of other actions and to think the force had guided her and those around her was horrifying.

What had Kana done to deserve the treatment she had as a kid? If the force guided everyone then it had guided her parents just as much as it guided her too. The mere thought was unthinkable. What kind of ‘benevolent force’ would lead a child and parent down such a path? It didn’t just apply to her upbringing and those around her. Going with the idea that the force drove people then why was the world in chaos? No, Kana couldn’t believe in it because she simply didn’t want to. It amounted to ignorance but to think she served to uphold and ‘cleanse’ the thing that had driven her parents to neglect her so was more horrifying than the idea of breaking the code. The jedi code which spoke of common decency. At least so she thought. To be above your emotions and act rationally. Think first, act later. They were all based on the principles needed to be that pillar of justice that some jedi sought to be and Kana was no exception. She wanted justice and redemption for all. It was in her nature to be able to forgive and forget. She had come to embrace that.

What had previously been seen as a weakness on her part had - in her own opinion - become a strength. She always sought to redeem, never convict. So why had she stayed with the jedi? The reason was a lot more obvious than she made it out to be yet only if she knew who or what it depended on she’d be amazed at herself. She was not in it for herself, or the jedi, or the code. Sure, they were there and she was a loyal follower of both but her truest allegiance and loyalty lay elsewhere.

Actually, to call them a ‘where’ was wrong.

 

[Kana Truden]

Enough was enough. Yet another four weeks had passed, thirty-three weeks in total. The entire exile started to feel like a waste. Her mood was sour and her cries for any kind of social interaction was bursting. Kana gave the rooms around the temple a rundown before making her way to the ship. The time had come for her return and she quickly seated herself in the pilot’s seat. The seat was cold after nearly eight months of not being used at all. The metal controls and buttons were biting yet even that didn’t prevent Kana from flipping the switches and preparing for take-off. She was so done with Hoth for the time being.

The on-going blizzard made take-off a pain but as she cleared the platform and made for the skies the pain alleviated somewhat. Eventually she burst through the atmosphere and the began stopped altogether. As she punched in the co-ordinates home the familiar beep as she received a message could be heard. She ignored it for now and entered hyperspace. With the ever familiar drag-and-pop feeling as the speed kicking in Kana eventually made her way to the console.

“Jedi alchemy?” Kana perked her eyebrow. “That sounds… Remarkably interesting.”

She wrote up her response to Master Alince and a quick look at those participating quickly made her realize that there were a lot more people around the academy than she had expected, or remembered. One name caught her eye in particular. [member="Corvus Raaf"]. Would she be meeting up with her friend again? Her mind squealed in joy yet a foreboding feeling spoke of something else. She sent the message to Master Alince and went away to think on what she had learned.

She had set out on the exile to think on the small things about herself and thought on it she had. She was Kana Truden - A Jedi Knight of the Order. Her best friend and the most important person around her was the one person she feared to lose the most. As this ship would set down on Ossus she would help make force history, and after that, she would become the healer she always wanted to become. Just the thought of the last part made her excited. She would become a healer, one of the most noble occupations.

With a content smile on her lips she returned to her idle meditations. Seeking affinity with the force and what-not as the ship slowly made progress across the galaxy to reach home.

Soon she too would be at home. Soon, she would reunite with her friends. Soon, she would be able to tell the tale of how she went on an exile for nothing, but until then she simply settled for getting back home first. She deserved that much.