Private Second Thoughts

[Gwyneira Vizsla]

Schonhiemat, Vengard...

As the glow of the fireplace heater's fake flames glowed, memories of terror crashed in her mind, polluted her thoughts, and chilled her heart. It had been a week since that fateful attack on Lwekk. It still haunted her, dreadfully. She was unable to sleep. No matter how much she trained, worked on her various projects, and took small missions for the Wardens, she could not escape the agony. The gore. The destruction. The war. The death.

She could not escape her guilt. She could not escape her misgivings. She could not escape the second thoughts flashing like a giant red light, begging for an end to this. She hugged herself, standing in front of the fireplace, exhausted and defeated.

Was there an end to this? Did she make the right choice?

She was so deeply in tuned to her inner conflict, she failed to see the arrival of another soul on the property. She continued to blankly gaze into the flames. The flames that reminded her of terror in the skies.

Eliz Krayt

 

[Eliz Krayt]

Home.

Eliz wasn't used to having a place he considered home, but there was no doubt in his mind that this place was home. Because of Gwyneira Vizsla . He walked into the building with a faint smile, buy'ce under arm. He'd missed her terribly, between her work and his own. Without a word he walked up beside her, gently wrapping his arms around her waist to pull her into a hug from behind.

"Hey."

He was smiling, happy to be here. But he saw it. Something was off. Wrong. His smile faded as he leaned down, kissing her cheek. "What's wrong?"

 

[Gwyneira Vizsla]

Gwyneira was shocked when Eliz came up behind her, but when he embraced her and kissed her cheek, she was overjoyed.

She felt happiness for the first time since that battle.

"Jac'Eli'Zirem!" She turned and leaped into his arms, burying her face in his neck, she shuddered. What was wrong? Well, everything was wrong. Everything except for him.

She wanted to pour everything on him. The battle, her doubts, her isolation, the terrible guilt. Yet, looking above the fireplace, the banner of the Eternal Empire reminded her that she could not voice those thoughts here. Even in her own home. She would be convicted of treason, perhaps tortured, stripped of her rankings. Have an example made out of her. Just how utterly alone she was in this was even more fuel for her misgivings.

She sighed. She needed to find a way.

Then, it struck her.

Gwyn pulled away from the hug and gave her beloved another kiss, turning and walking towards the kitchen, "Work has been difficult is all. Honestly, I could use some time to relax, with you here."

She turned in the entryway to the kitchen, "Perhaps, after a nice evening together, we could go on one of your bounty hunting jobs in the Outer Rim together? Something simple. I could file in a request for the weekend off."

Eliz Krayt

 

[Eliz Krayt]

His full name?

That sealed the deal. Something was wrong. Very wrong. She only used that when she was either extremely worried or extremely upset. Eliz held her close, squeezing her. Trying to instill some form of comfort on whatever it was that had made her so.. Off. Whatever it was, she didn't share. At first he actually felt hurt. Was this something that serious that she didn't want to tell him? Did she think she couldn't share her burden?

But as she spoke, such feelings faded. Whatever it was, she couldn't say it. Not here.

"Yeah. I think that'd be a great idea."

 

[Gwyneira Vizsla]

The understanding behind his eyes and in his voice. He could tell. He could tell what was needed. She nearly sighed in relief. Instead, she tried to make herself chipper for the night. Her lover was here. Why could they not enjoy a nice night together?

She smiled, "Great. Well..." She smiled a bit, "I've been thinking, maybe you could teach me how to cook dinner tonight?"

She clasped her hands behind her back, turning a bit with a warm expression, "I'm ordering from whole food businesses, with how you told me it would help my gut. But I still prefer your cooking, and the bills are piling up. I'd much spend more money on mechanical parts."

Eliz Krayt

 

[Eliz Krayt]

It was a smile, but it wasn't a fake one. He could still tell how troubled Gwyneira Vizsla was, but there was the fact they were together again. He let out a sigh as he stepped over to her, reaching down to take her cheek in his hand. Wordlessly stealing a kiss, rather than answer her question about food. He'd absolutely teach her to cook, but the only thing he wanted to do was hold her.

He grinned a bit as he pulled away, his red eyes focusing on hers.

"There's something else I'm hungry for. After, I'll teach you how to make some lunch, mm?"

 

[Gwyneira Vizsla]

Gwyneira beamed, eagerly lighting up. She smirked, leaning in. "Then come take a bite. Be careful though, this meal is hot."

She stepped aside, brushing against him, she took his hand and pulled him towards the couches. She smirked, her longing growing every second. Perhaps, this would give her the chance to sleep peacefully. Perhaps, she would wake up soothed and still in his arms. If not, at least they had tons of fun.

As they sat down together, Gwyn wondered if he noticed the circles under her eyes, or how she had lost a small amount of weight. She hoped he would not be able to tell how badly she was truly fairing. At least, not now. They could talk later, in the Outer Rim. Now was just supposed to be a nice, relaxing, fun night together.

She pressed her lips against his, curling up against his frame.

~ ~ ~​

The explosions felt terrible as she pressed the button. As the ships exploded, she heard the screaming of people. Impossible, she could not have heard that from inside her ship. Then, she looked down and panicked.

Her hands were soaked in blood. Their blood. She did this.

Gwyneira gasped, awakening on the couch. The blanket wrapped around her lithe body, she looked around panting, with a rapidly beating heart. She sighed, turning to sit up. She always hated these dreams. She needed to distract again, to take her mind off of it again with her beloved here.

"Eliz? Wanted to start on dinner?"

Eliz Krayt

 

[Eliz Krayt]

Eliz was awake the moment Gwyneira Vizsla was. He'd always been sensitive to the movements of others. Sometimes too much so. His armor did more than protect him from harm, after all. Usually he'd let the moment pass. Avoid getting too much into Gwyn's personal space and jumping on everything that could be wrong. Part of him was worried that might push her away. Right now though?

He sat up, gently wrapping his arms around her waist to pull her close. "We can start dinner, yeah. Then we can go on that trip. I forgot, there's a job I need to get to by morning here. Sorry." Was that true? Not at all. But Gwyn seemed worried someone might be listening, and he had no intention of pushing any suspicion on her. Better to look like the forgetful boyfriend stealing his girl away for a day or so. He gave a knowing smile and a small nod.

"What do ya wanna eat?"

 

[Gwyneira Vizsla]

The silent messages between their words formulated the plans. Gwyneira smiled a small smile, gazing into those beautiful red eyes and accepting the hands on her waist. She nodded, gulping back the panic from her nightmare. "Hmm, something simple? Why not a spaghetti squash and a meaty, tomatoey sauce?"

She bent forward and hugged him tightly, closing her eyes and kissing his neck. After a moment in his arms, she pulled away and slipped off the couch. She got dressed in her simple black shirt and sweat pants, then walked over to the kitchen, rubbing her eyes.

She was no less tired than she had been.

She entered the lightly colored kitchen. When purchasing a house, she had paid attention to the kitchen arrangements, for Eliz. Schonhiemat was a fantastic home, and the expansive kitchen had long counters, large storage, towering fridges, and numerous appliances and equipment. Easily a good place to cook something as simple as a gluten free pasta dish. She turned to a cupboard to pull stuff out. Her shook for a moment, then she curled her Arkanian clawed fingers around the pantry door and pulled it open, "If you like, or if you want something else, let me know. Then let's get started!"

Eliz Krayt

 

[Eliz Krayt]

He couldn't get used to the kitchen. The place was perfect, amazing for any kind of cook. Eliz pulled on some clothing, a shirt that he didn't bother to button up and the pants he had been wearing prior. "That sounds good, I think. Lets get cooking." Not being able to know what was upsetting her was more stressful than he expected. He quickly went about setting up the various pots and pans for the meal, chopping up tomatoes, herbs, the like with practiced ease.

While he loved cooking, he couldn't hide the concern in his expression every time he looked Gwyneira Vizsla 's way. He simply loved her more.

"Good to see you're getting better with your food choices, at least."

 

[Gwyneira Vizsla]

Gwyneira was struggling so hard to concentrate. She felt so spacey. She made simple mistakes working on engineering and working with the Wardens, she was unable to concentrate well when spoken to. She could barely find it in her to eat. She just kept thinking back to that battle, obsessing over it. And it haunted her.

As the spaghetti sauce started to broil just a bit too much, she hastily pulled it onto an off burner and nervously chuckled.

She looked over to Eliz, barely catching onto what he said.

"Ah, yeah. I mean, I feel a lot better too. I thought feeling eternally blergh in the gut was just a normal thing. It feels nice, not having that." She looked over to the sauce she was trying to fix and sighed. If only her head could get better...


Eliz Krayt

 

[Eliz Krayt]

He watched her in that silence again, unable to hide his concern. Without another word he stepped over to her, hugging her from behind, resting his chin on her shoulder. For all intents and purposes, he just looked like a boyfriend getting a bit handsy while his girl struggled to cook. A happier thought than what he was feeling. Instead, though, he leaned in, whispering in her ear.

"I know you're not alright. We can just leave now. I don't want you to pretend to be okay."

Gwyneira Vizsla

 

[Gwyneira Vizsla]

Gwyn paused mid-stir. She sighed, leaning back against her lover as he whispered. Gwyneira then initiated her two step plan.

She gently let go of the spoon and turned around, letting Eliz's hands glide across her stomach and sides. She smirked, "Getting a little handsy there, eh, Edgy McHandsome? And those whispers, you'll make me blush!"

She then leaned in, looking like a girl whispering back to her boyfriend, but her response?

"Yeah, leaving would be nice. I..." She lost the words, instead giving his cheek and returning to the sauce pan, "But hmm, perhaps spaghetti dishes aren't a good idea. Want to eat out before I destroy more cooking?"

Eliz Krayt

 

[Eliz Krayt]

"Eating out sounds perfect."

Eliz was pretty quick to jump on that, once Gwyneira Vizsla whispered in his ear. Any other time and he might have turned on her and likely did something not exactly appropriate for the kitchen. The thought did cross his mind, even. But what she said, how she truly was. He felt immediate guilt for even thinking like that, but pushed that away in favor of practically lifting Gwyn from the floor.

"C'mon. Let's go to the hanger, get out of here. Alright?"

 

[Gwyneira Vizsla]

Gwyn always felt secure in Eliz's arms. Safe. She smiled faintly yet fondly, allowing him to carry her to the elevator. He set her down and the elevator went down. Gwyn looked up as they descended. Schonhiemat was an incredible house. She loved living here. She had a taste of the luxury many Arkanians on her world had. The luxuries her father had, while she grew up in a gloomy tenet. She loved it here. Yet...

As they came to the hanger, she sighed. The cold Vengard air already bit her here. They passed her speeder and they entered her ship, the Mercury Class Star Courier. It was ironic, that Gwyn truly felt at home on this ship. Aubin and Mini even slipped into the ship with them. Gwyneira's truly valued possessions, save most of her Eternal Empire gear, were actually stored on this ship. The light freighter was far lower class, but it was... her.

As she and Mini started on the preparations for take off, Gwyn already was feeling relief. She was feeling relief, at least, until...

She sat down on the pilot's seat and reached for the controls. Only, her hands froze. She paused, briefly swept away to the battle once again. Her hands shook, but she bit her lip and took the controls. She struggled with her shaking as they took off. The moment they were off the ground, Gwyn slammed random coordinates into the navicomputer. When they left the atmosphere and were in hyperspace, she let out a heavy sigh and leaned back against the chair.

Free at last.

At least... a tiny taste of freedom.

Gwyn pulled herself up, leaving the cockpit and looking for Eliz here. They were safe. They could talk.

Eliz Krayt

 

[Eliz Krayt]

Eliz didn't go too far. He let Gwyneira Vizsla handle the take off, instead moving to the kitchen to start making them something to eat. In truth, there was only one thing he could think of. Blueberry pancakes. The same he'd eaten on her. The same he made for her before they admitted their feelings. It had some special meaning, at least in his mind. When she came out, he had the table all set up for them both.

"So, lets talk. What's bothering you cyare?"

 

[Gwyneira Vizsla]

Gwyneira sighed, sitting down and slumping. How could she explain it? Where could she begin? Would Eliz be angry at her? Even the enticing aroma of blueberry pancakes, a special meal for them, was unable to trigger her appetite. She tried to be subtle as the slightly pushed the plate aside. Placing her folded arms on the table, she rested her chin in her arms. Miserable, she blinked. Her pale eyes made had not revealed it, but her vision was darting between Eliz and the rest of the room.

Eventually, she looked to Eliz before closing her eyes. She sighed shakily.

"I was in a space battle for the Eternal Empire. I was going to prove my loyalty, and I was going to win it."

She sunk a bit into her seat. Well, she sunk lower than she already had, "It was a bloodbath, and it was brutal. Not just them, but us. There was the order to leave no survivors, not even fleeing opponents. Civilian casualties? They were just fine with that, as long as they won. Their methods, they..."

She sat up, still slouched, and extended her hands. She looked down to her hands, her shaking hands, and tearfully woed, "Good soldiers follow orders..."

She winced, curling up in terror and shame.

Eliz Krayt

 

[Eliz Krayt]

The ever hungry hybrid didn't even lift his fork to take a bite. All of his attention was on Gwyneira Vizsla , his worry obvious even before she started to speak. Then she did. She explained it all. Without a word he slipped up from his seat and sat down beside her. In her chair, casually scooting her over in her chair to do so. There were no words he could give her to help her through it.

But, he wouldn't leave her alone through it. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. Running his hand through her hair. "I'm here. Let it out."

 

[Gwyneira Vizsla]

Gwyn stared ahead for a moment, blankly as Eliz soothed after.. after perhaps a solid twenty seconds, she finally let go. All the restraint, all the secrecy and hiding in fear. She lifted her fist and slammed it against the table, repeatedly. As the dinner was unfortunately jostled and spilled, she screamed. She screamed. She screamed and screamed and screamed.

Tears flooded down her face. Rivers worth of salty tears pounded against the table. She kept bawling and screaming until her throat was sore.

After long last, she crashed into Eliz's embrace. Holding him tight as she hollered, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Eliz Krayt

 

[Eliz Krayt]

He stayed there with her through the whole thing, gently rubbing her back as she screamed and slammed her hands on the table. He understood this feeling. This.. Anger. When Csilla had been destroyed he felt something similar, but for a whole different reason. And yet, when Gwyneira Vizsla started to apologize, his more passive comforting turned more determined. He wrapped both arms around her, squeezing firmly as he cradled her to his chest.

"It's not your fault, Gwyn. Never apologize. It's not your fault."