Sam Lingor

[Carth Winston]

NAME: Sam Lingor

LOYALTIES: is in the Dragosian Pilots, follows and helps Carth Winston

ROLE: Carths personal bodygaurd as well as friend, knows a few common force powers, all of these being normal jedi force powers.

AGE: 31

SPECIES: telork

FORCE SENSITIVITY: yes. rank of padawan

APPEARANCE: brown robe with some specks of white, under robe is clone armor, has dark green metalic bracers, has weapon at right side. he is slim, but has some muscle. his hair is wavy and long, as well as red. he has a scar on his face, hear his chin. it goes from chin to mouth, right side of face.

PERSONALITY: calm in most cases. this includes fighting, talking or planning. he gets depressed when people say that he is a ginger, since he doesn't like ginger people. when depressed, he doesn't do well in fights.

WEAPON OF CHOICE: lightsaber [green blade color] as well as a blaster pistol

WEALTH: average wealth

COMBAT FUNCTIONS: in the case of combat, Sam fights alongside Carth, and is noticeably strong against non-force users. weak against force users. ones the have the force but dont use it he does so-so. reason on strength: they cant use the force, and dont have it. he has promised himself he wouldn't try to kill people who have and use the force. this is the reason he doesn't do well against force users. people who have but dont use it though, it is only half of the promise, so he at least tries to half kill them.

SKILLS: force push [still learning this one], force pull [getting the hang of it], and force jump [getting good with it].

NOTABLE POSSESSIONS: his lightsaber and his blaster pistol.

INTENT: to have someone fight alongside and accompany Carth at all times. besides bathroom and all that. duh.

 

[Darth Pyrrhus]

Under review

 

[Darth Pyrrhus]

[member="Carth Winston"]

Hello, and welcome to the Codex! I'll be your judge on this one. Let's get to it!

Before I can approve this, there are a few kinks we need to sort out. In places it feels rushed, so I will ask you to elaborate on certain areas. Codex is optional, and quite frankly I want to see more effort than the bare minimum put in for it to warrant its own submission.

Please include the full template. "Other Notes" is missing. You may consider this to be your NPC's history. Please include this. If you could manage a paragraph here, that would be great.

ROLE: Carths personal bodygaurd as well as friend, knows a few common force powers, all jedi powers.

I would like you to rephrase this, with attention given to the area in bold. Right now it could be read to suggest he knows all powers available to a Jedi. As Sam is a Padawan, that won't fly.

APPEARANCE: brown robe with some specks of white, under robe is clone armor, has dark green metalic bracers, has weapon at right side.

After reading this I am left with no sense of what Sam actually looks like. You've mentioned his outfit, but what does he look like? Please elaborate on this with at least 2-3 sentences.

PERSONALITY: calm. very very calm about everything.

I'm sure there's more to him than simply being calm. Please elaborate with at least 2-3 sentences.

WEAPON OF CHOICE: lightsickle with blaster built in.

For equipment such as this, I would like to see a link to either Wookiepedia or the Factory.

COMBAT FUNCTIONS: in the case of combat, Sam fights alongside Carth, and is noticeably strong against non-force users. weak against them. ones the have the force he does so-so.

I'm struggling to draw meaning out of this sentence. He is noticeably strong against NFUs, but also weak against them? People are different and fight differently, Force or no. To suggest that Sam would be efficient towards all NFU or FU just because that's what they are, is unlikely at best. How about you focus on Sam's individual strengths? Does he favour a certain fighting style? Does this style leave him particularly vulnerable to other combat forms?

SKILLS: has the ability to use the force to teleport items from around the world. it takes time and exhausts him though.

Using the Force to teleport items from around the world simply won't fly. Especially since Sam is a Padawan, that's not even up for debate. Please remove this power and replace with the "few common force powers" you mentioned earlier. Please provide links to Wookiepedia for Force powers mentioned, as well as Sam's level of mastery. This is expected to be on par with his rank as Padawan.

NOTABLE POSSESSIONS: has a pouch that can hold an infinite amount of items, but they have to be small. and the bag gives Sam what he needs.

This will have to be removed for this submission to be approved. A pouch that can hold an infinite amount of items might work on a fantasy board, but not in a Star Wars universe.

Thanks

 

[Darth Pyrrhus]

[member="Carth Winston"]

What's the status of this submission?

 

[Darth Pyrrhus]

[member="Carth Winston"]

I see you've tended to the requested edits. In the future, tag the judge in a reply to the submission so that they will be made aware.

Other Notes still missing. I still want to see you include the history of this NPC. See to it that this gets added in your next update.

weak against force users. ones the have the force but dont use it he does so-so.

Here you say he's both weak against Force users, and that he does so-so against Force users. Which one is it?

besides bathroom and all that. duh.

This serves no purpose. Remove it please.

Before we move on with this submission, I want you to look over it all and try to correct any grammar mistakes. Attention should be given to punctuation errors and capital letters where appropriate.

Tag me when you've done this. You may also consider this a second check for activity. If this submission does not see any progress within the next three days, I will put it up for archival.

Thanks

 

[Darth Pyrrhus]

[member="Carth Winston"]

Marked for archival due to inactivity. You can PM either [member="Valiens Nantaris"] or [member="Lorelei Darke"] to get it back when you're ready to have it reviewed.

Archive

 

[Quietus]

Archived